Divorce is
painful, but the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and
rethink the process.
How
relationships work is always evolving. Marriage has changed a lot since the
1970s but unfortunately, divorce laws in England and Wales have not caught
up.
While
no one expects their marriage to end in divorce, it happens to around 100,000
couples each year (according to ONS). All go
through a legal process that causes shame and anxiety, during one of the most
stressful events life can throw at them. Our old-fashioned divorce laws are
failing us and they need a reform.
For
the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of divorce law based on the
Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. A divorcing couple are treated as two separate
parties even if the split is by mutual agreement. One is the petitioner
(requesting the divorce) and one is the respondent (acknowledging the request).
The
petitioner has to give a reason why the marriage is over. There is a choice of
five reasons: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, separation (two
years) or separation (five years). These reasons come with complex conditions.
For example, desertion only applies if one party has left the other for two
years in the last 2.5. Gov.uk is
the best place to find the full details.
Many people who go through divorce simply want to move on with their lives. But
to get a divorce before two years of separation has passed, the petitioner must
prove that the respondent is to blame. The only two reasons they can give in
this case are adultery or unreasonable behaviour. They must provide evidence of
what their spouse did and how they felt about it. In over half of divorce
cases, unreasonable behaviour is the reason given.
Tini Owens recently
lost a case to divorce her husband on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. To get
to this point, she had to share details of her personal life and describe how
the situation made her feel “unloved, isolated and
alone.” The judge then concluded that her unhappiness was not an
acceptable justification to end the marriage. She is being forced to stay
married, sentenced to more misery. Her autonomy is being denied.
We’ve
all seen behaviour in other people’s relationships that is either awful or no
big deal to us. But who are we to judge? How can anyone judge how another
should feel about behaviour they haven’t experienced? Even an actual
judge.
During
my own divorce, I felt lost and hopeless for a while. Navigating the legal
process was a barrier to healing and getting my life back on track. Supplying
private details of my marriage for an unknown person to judge caused yet more
heartache. It felt shaming. There were many abandoned attempts before I finally
worked up the courage to face the process without the aid of expensive
lawyers. Then months of limbo as I waited for the resolution and the
permission to move forward. The confirmation I had suffered enough.
Why
should the joy and happiness in a marriage be up to us to share or keep
private, whilst the difficult times and ways we hurt each other have to be on
the record if we divorce? It doesn’t make sense that even though we decide a
marriage was over, that isn’t enough. It is as if by failing at the sacred
institute of marriage, our decision making can no longer be trusted. An
out-dated patriarchal perspective that has no place in modern life.
In
2017 Professor Liz Trinder of the University of Exeter published a comprehensive study of divorce law.
Results showed the impact of what she calls our “often painful, and sometimes
destructive, legal ritual”. Reasons given for divorces were often inaccurate
because people were scared of them being rejected. Forcing couples to attribute
blame increased the level of bitterness in many breakups. This often affected
children by making it more difficult for financial and access arrangements to
be agreed post-divorce.
Trinder
said: “In the twenty-first century, the state cannot, and should not, seek to
decide whether someone’s marriage has broken down.” Her report provided essential
recommendations for reform which are under review.
In
conclusion, divorce is painful. But the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s
remove the shame and rethink the process. Allow for mutually agreed divorces
without a minimum separation period. Treat people as adults who can choose to
enter into divorce as they chose to enter into marriage. The no shame divorce
is a 21st Century adult right.
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