The Case For 'No Shame' Divorce. By Jessica Richards

Divorce is painful, but the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process.

How relationships work is always evolving. Marriage has changed a lot since the 1970s but unfortunately, divorce laws in England and Wales have not caught up. 

While no one expects their marriage to end in divorce, it happens to around 100,000 couples each year (according to ONS). All go through a legal process that causes shame and anxiety, during one of the most stressful events life can throw at them. Our old-fashioned divorce laws are failing us and they need a reform.

For the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of divorce law based on the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. A divorcing couple are treated as two separate parties even if the split is by mutual agreement. One is the petitioner (requesting the divorce) and one is the respondent (acknowledging the request).

The petitioner has to give a reason why the marriage is over. There is a choice of five reasons: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, separation (two years) or separation (five years). These reasons come with complex conditions. For example, desertion only applies if one party has left the other for two years in the last 2.5. Gov.uk is the best place to find the full details. 

Many people who go through divorce simply want to move on with their lives. But to get a divorce before two years of separation has passed, the petitioner must prove that the respondent is to blame. The only two reasons they can give in this case are adultery or unreasonable behaviour. They must provide evidence of what their spouse did and how they felt about it. In over half of divorce cases, unreasonable behaviour is the reason given.

Tini Owens recently lost a case to divorce her husband on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. To get to this point, she had to share details of her personal life and describe how the situation made her feel “unloved, isolated and alone.” The judge then concluded that her unhappiness was not an acceptable justification to end the marriage. She is being forced to stay married, sentenced to more misery. Her autonomy is being denied. 

We’ve all seen behaviour in other people’s relationships that is either awful or no big deal to us. But who are we to judge? How can anyone judge how another should feel about behaviour they haven’t experienced? Even an actual judge.  

During my own divorce, I felt lost and hopeless for a while. Navigating the legal process was a barrier to healing and getting my life back on track. Supplying private details of my marriage for an unknown person to judge caused yet more heartache. It felt shaming. There were many abandoned attempts before I finally worked up the courage to face the process without the aid of expensive lawyers. Then months of limbo as I waited for the resolution and the permission to move forward. The confirmation I had suffered enough.

Why should the joy and happiness in a marriage be up to us to share or keep private, whilst the difficult times and ways we hurt each other have to be on the record if we divorce? It doesn’t make sense that even though we decide a marriage was over, that isn’t enough. It is as if by failing at the sacred institute of marriage, our decision making can no longer be trusted. An out-dated patriarchal perspective that has no place in modern life.

In 2017 Professor Liz Trinder of the University of Exeter published a comprehensive study of divorce law. Results showed the impact of what she calls our “often painful, and sometimes destructive, legal ritual”. Reasons given for divorces were often inaccurate because people were scared of them being rejected. Forcing couples to attribute blame increased the level of bitterness in many breakups. This often affected children by making it more difficult for financial and access arrangements to be agreed post-divorce.

Trinder said: “In the twenty-first century, the state cannot, and should not, seek to decide whether someone’s marriage has broken down.” Her report provided essential recommendations for reform which are under review. 

In conclusion, divorce is painful. But the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process. Allow for mutually agreed divorces without a minimum separation period. Treat people as adults who can choose to enter into divorce as they chose to enter into marriage. The no shame divorce is a 21st Century adult right.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-case-for-no-shame-divorce_uk_5b76a79de4b0ef9091f95ac1

Parental Conflict Alienates/Hurts Children of Divorce Long Term. By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

In a newsletter from Dr. Mark Goulston I read that: “A majority of teenagers, when asked if they had the choice between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, will pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.”

Stop and think about that for a moment. Teenagers would sacrifice receiving more love from their parents if they could assure their parents got along better with one another. This reinforces what most mental health professionals have long known: Parental conflict is a source of continual pain for our children – whether the parents are married or divorced!

As a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, my goal is to make sure both parents fully understand the impact of parental discord upon your children. That’s why I ask every client: Do you love your children more than you hate your soon-to-be-Ex? If you really do, then you need to understand the negative consequences when parents (and other relatives and friends) fight, disparage or in other ways disrespect one another around the children.

Parents are the stability in any family. Children derive security from parental love, support and protection. Even after divorce, if the children feel both parents are still there for them — participating in their lives and providing love and guidance — they can thrive. However, when one parent tries to demean the other parent or uses the kids as confidants to vent their anger or frustration about the divorce, the sanctity of security is broken. Now the children are thrown into a state of conflict and confusion. With whom do they side? Will the other parent resent them for taking sides? What if they still love their other parent who is being criticized and demeaned? Are they being disloyal to mom or dad if they want to defend or support the other parent?

Children, even older teens, are deeply troubled when trying to find solutions to these challenging questions. It robs them of their sleep, affects school performance, and changes who they are emotionally and psychologically. This is a burden no parent should inflict on their children, yet it happens all too often, with little awareness of the consequences.

Feeling guilty, shamed and confused, children start acting out to cope with the internal conflict. They may get more aggressive, start bullying at home or at school, and showing other behavior problems with parents or siblings. Others turn within, disengage from family and friends, withdrawing from school, sports or other activities they used to love. The despair and loss of trusted parental security creates despair and can lead to depression and thoughts of suicide. Child psychologists deal with these challenges regularly as parents bring their children in for “help.” Most haven’t a clue that the cause was their poor parenting choices during and after divorce.

Here are some typical comments to avoid when talking to your children about their other parent:

• Do you hear yourself saying: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”

• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”

• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know, making sure the kids get the negative judgement?

• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?

• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?

• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”

• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move through their teens and grow older.

Minding your tongue around your kids can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. However, it is also one of the behaviors that will most benefit your children on a long-term basis. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks hurt and harm your kids. Work on maintaining the best possible relationship with your ex – for the sake of the children. Need help? Join a Co-Parent support group, find a compassionate Divorce Coach, seek out a therapist, talk to a school counselor. Master communication skills and be the role model you want to be for your children. That’s a gift that will keep on giving, enhancing their lives — thanks to you!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2016/01/parental-conflict-alienateshurts-children-of-divorce-long-term/

Divorce Coaching And How It Can Help You. By Michael V. Fancher

Find Direction With Divorce Coaching 

Most people have heard of divorce lawyers and litigation, but not everyone is familiar with divorce coaches. If you’re in the process of navigating a divorce, a divorce coach can be a critical player in the process. These types of coaches are individuals who can help you navigate various aspects of your divorce, especially for those who are going through an amicable separation but could use some guidance from a professional. If you need some direction in your divorce, here’s why this type of coach might be the solution for you.

What Is Divorce Coaching?

A divorce coach is a third party who assists at various points during a divorce. These coaches typically have backgrounds in family or marriage therapy. This person is a great asset for couples who want to ultimately reach an amicable solution but have a hard time having a peaceful and productive discussion without an intermediary. Divorce coaches often enable two parties to talk through difficult discussion points without the conversation taking a negative turn to get to an ultimately better outcome for both parties.  

Who Needs a Divorce Coach?

Divorce coaching is a huge asset for some couples, but it’s not a one size fits all solution. Parties who often benefit from a divorce coach include but are not limited to:

• Couples going through a “Kitchen Table” divorce, or those who can sit down and talk out the divorce without an attorney
• Couples who have an overall amicable divorce process but need assistance discussing certain pain points
• Couples who are undertaking a collaborative divorce.
• Couples who are using a mediator for their divorce process

What Roles Can a Divorce Coach Fulfill?

Divorce coaching can happen in a number of different ways. These types of coaches can be involved in the early stages of divorce to help a couple figure out what method of divorce is right for them or if they can resolve their marital challenges and stay together in the long run.

Divorce coaches can also have a large role in the actual divorce process. Their main objective is to help both parties successfully communicate so as to reach a mutually beneficial agreement in the long run.

Finally, divorce coaches can play a role in navigating the post divorce parenting process in some cases. This is a specialized form of divorce coaching called a “Co-Parenting Coach.” This person can help parents navigate the parenting process post-divorce and find the best solution for the family moving forward. Because disputes don’t necessarily end when the divorce is complete, this person can continue to be involved even after the divorce is final. They can help with a myriad of issues including conflict resolution and creating a parenting plan that is best for the children’s well being.

Why Choose a Divorce Coach in Addition to Other Forms of Representation?

Divorce coaches offer many benefits for those who need some guidance during their divorce. A few benefits they may offer you include:

• Helping with communication issues that get in the way of healthy discussion.
• Discovering hidden emotional baggage that needs to be unpacked and dealt with.
• Tailoring solutions to your needs, including ongoing personalized support and a helping hand to find your best solution.
• Reducing the cost of your divorce in the long run by helping to reduce conflict.

Divorce is a challenging time for all parties involved. From emotions running high, to difficult conversations with children, to piles of paperwork, divorce is a trying process. Having a supportive divorce coach on your side may just be the solution you need to move forward and start the next chapter of your life.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/divorce-coaching-how-it-can-help-you/

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

Attending a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is now a requirement for most people wishing to take divorce proceedings to court.

Before you can start court proceedings over money, property, possessions or arrangements for children, you must usually have attended a MIAM. These meetings are designed to offer help and useful advice.

How MIAMs work

At the meeting, a mediator will try to work out if mediation can help both parties reach an agreement. Depending on your preference, you can attend the meeting alone or with your husband, wife or civil partner. During the meeting, you’ll be able to find out more about mediation and ask questions about the process. They can also give you advice on other services that may be able to help you.

After the MIAM

After the meeting, if you and the mediator feel that mediation can help you reach an agreement, you can start mediation sessions. If you are not going to start mediation sessions and you decide to apply to court instead, the mediator will need to sign the court form.

When you won't be expected to have a MIAM

The court won’t expect you to have attended a mediation meeting if:

• A mediator doesn’t think the case is suitable for mediation and has said so within the past four months.
• Either of you has made an allegation of domestic violence against the other within the past 12 months and police investigations or civil proceedings were started.
• Your dispute is about money and either of you is bankrupt.
• You don’t know where your husband, wife or civil partner is.
• You want to apply for a court order but for specific reasons don’t intend to give your husband, wife or civil partner any notice.
• The court application is urgent because someone’s life or physical safety is at risk or a child is at risk of significant harm.
• The order is about a child who is already involved with social services because of concerns over their protection.
• You’ve contacted three mediators within 15 miles of your home and are unable to get an appointment with any of them within 15 working days.

Source: www.gov.uk

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/mediation-information-and-assessment-meetings/

Our Divorce System Is In Disarray by Emily Beatrice Morris

Speaking as a child of divorced parents, I am thankful that my parents were granted a divorce.

There is a certain sense of desperation you can feel for Tini Owens after the Supreme Court ruled that she must stay in an unhappy marriage for another two years despite previously leaving the matrimonial home in February 2015.

Under the current law, a divorce can only be granted if the marriage has broken down to adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion or living apart for five years. The current system is ‘fault-based’ where one spouse must place blame for the divorce with the other. This creates a burning sense of injustice because as the Ministry of Justice tweeted, “The current system of divorce creates unnecessary antagonism in an already difficult situation”. As people are living longer, it is likely that partners will fall out of love with each other and the case of Tini Owens only serves as a stark reminder of just how archaic our marriage laws are.

The Supreme Court’s ruling has trapped Tini Owens in a loveless marriage and without a divorce, there is no opportunity for Owens to move forward with her life. It is horrifying and frightening that a legal system can be used to force one partner to stay in an unhappy marriage. There was a solid basis for the Supreme Court to order a divorce after Mrs Owens cited 27 allegations about her husband’s “unreasonable behaviour” and she felt “constantly mistrusted”. Without being too controversial, could forcing Owens to stay in the marriage be seen as a form of coercive behaviour?

Coercive behaviour was outlawed in 2015 so arguably our marriage laws are outdated for modern society. Other countries often look towards our justice system as a source of inspiration but we should be ashamed of a legal system that forces a person to stay in an unhappy marriage.

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If we want any further evidence that we are behind our counterparts, China has permitted a no-fault divorce based system since the 1950s. This is a country that is famed for its strong emphasis on marriage because they often call unmarried women in their 30s a “leftover women”. The fact that a no-fault divorce system is recognised in a country that is so preoccupied with idealism and romantic love only serves as a simple reminder that our marriage laws should be updated to recognise the needs of our ever-changing society.

The impact a fault-based system creates for forgotten parties in the divorce is often ignored. Speaking as a child of divorced parents, I am thankful that my parents were granted a divorce because when one of your parents is unhappy, it can eat at your own happiness. Children of parents who separate are more likely to drop out of education, commit crime and have mental health problems. Can it not be argued that children pick up on the tensions created by the fault-based divorce system?

Since the Supreme Court’s ruling, the Ministry of Justice have said they are “already looking closely at possible reforms to the system”. Given the above reasons, a no-fault based system would recognise the needs of modern society and it is the best way to empower people to end their marriage but until the marriage laws are updated, the current fault-based divorce system is in disarray.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/our-divorce-system-is-in-disarray_uk_5b68cafbe4b08c2f0a5e10ce?utm_hp_ref=uk-divorce

Is 'Semi-Separating' The New Divorce? by Sara Davison

You may have read my comments in the Daily Telegraph on Monday about a new way of breaking up which has been growing steadily in popularity, albeit under the radar. It's been termed "semi-separating'.

This is when a marriage is coming to an end but the couple decide not to leave the marital home and remain living together under the same roof.

It may seem a strange concept but there are many different reasons for staying in the same home after a breakup, which include:

• Uncertainty as to whether breaking up is the right decision
• Financial reasons
• The couple have children and don't want to break up the family environment
• Lifestyle choice
• Fear of change and of the unknown future apart
• The home is part of the family business and cannot be sold without damaging consequences

Often there is a slow and natural drifting apart that takes place as the relationship comes to an end. There are three stages in the semi-separating process before the final decision to divorce is made.

Stage 1: The couple take separate bedrooms. This is easily explained to the children by saying that Dad snores or Mum has to get up early to for work. It gives the couple each their own personal space which can help to alleviate tensions.

Stage 2: The couple alternate weekend child care responsibility. This means that they will each spend time alone with the kids at weekends. One parent will often be out or stay away when it's their weekend off.

Stage 3: The couple will no longer eat together in the evenings and will live separate lives during the week too.

There are some advantages to semi-separating as it can be a helpful and informative process:

• It makes a divorce easier for the kids as they become used to spending time alone with each parent and having quality time alone with each of them.
• It helps the couple get used to single parenting and often boosts confidence in their own abilities as parents.
• It allows both adults to get used to the idea and avoids rushing into divorce and having regrets.

However, there are some cases where semi-separating would not be a healthy option. For example, if the relationship is so bad that the home environment is toxic to live in. I am a big believer that divorce does not have to damage kids but it does very much depend on the parents' behaviour. If children are subjected to arguments and lots of tension there is a good case for a clean quick break.

Also, on going disagreements between the couple can damage their own potential for a healthy friendship and co-parenting relationship further down the line. Semi-separating may not be a wise option if:

• You are in an abusive relationship
• The children are exposed to a toxic environment and arguments
• Your confidence and self esteem is being eroded daily

In these cases a total separation would be a healthier option and protect both yourself and the children from any further damage.

Every breakup is different and there is not one solution that will work for every couple. Take some time to think carefully about what is best for your situation and don't be afraid to ask for advice from an expert if you need it.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/is-semiseparating-the-new_b_15379652.html?utm_hp_ref=uk-breakups

Traditional Methods For Divorce Vs. Internet Divorce

There’s the traditional method for getting a divorce and there’s a new method also known as internet divorce. When you take the two methods in stride, you’ll find that with DIY divorce, you get quick divorce as well as divorce that’s reasonably priced. The fact of the matter is, the high costs of divorce come from having to pay for lawyer’s fees. If you didn’t have to pay for that, you’ll be paying something like £50 for the divorce. You can get quick divorce when you rely on online divorce and when you do DIY divorce, you don’t have to worry about additional fees.

When divorce is the only solution for you to get your life back from an abusive marriage or a marriage that just isn’t working, you can start living a happier and more content life but you’ll be faced with the challenge of getting UK divorce. Through the natural process, it can take a lot of time as well as cost you a lot of money but not anymore, with online divorce.

Just as every process in our lives can be managed through the internet, divorce can also be accomplished online. The main benefits for online divorce are that it’s a quick divorce and it’s also a more affordable way to go. This is because you’ll essentially be doing a DIY divorce. Without attorney fees to worry about, you can focus on getting the divorce when you work with an online divorce company. If you need any more proof about the effectivity of internet divorce, here are some of the figures. If you compare a regular divorce with a quick divorce through the internet, traditional divorce proceedings take about months and even a year or more to be finalized and completed. In relation to costs, you have to prepare £1000 of your money to cover for traditional divorce and that doesn’t even include the court fees.

On the other hand, with internet divorce, in less than 12 weeks, you’ll be divorced. You’ll also only spend £29.99 to get the divorce. Even if that figure doesn’t include court fees, it’s a way more reasonable price to pay for getting a divorce. Many proceedings for divorce end abruptly because of the cost or the time that it takes to be completed. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you won't have to suffer continuously with DIY divorce. You simply have to go online and find an online divorce company and file the divorce. In most cases, you’ll have every bit of information on divorce from the best internet divorce providers. The law constantly changes and if there are any developments or updates to the law about UK divorce, you’ll know about it.

With traditional methods for divorce, you’ll get less than quick divorce because you have to schedule an appointment with your lawyer, make sure that you’re working within office hours and you’ll be billed by the hour. This means time off work for you where you can lose income and you have to pay for attorney’s fees. With internet divorce and DIY divorce, you can get a quick divorce. UK divorce is faster, cheaper and more reliable if you go the online way. It’s the faster way to start living a quality life.

https://articlebliss.com/Article/673939/Traditional-Methods-for-Divorce-vs-Internet-Divorce.html

The Difficulties Of Life After An Amicable Divorce by Toby Hazlewood

I feel the need to start with a grateful acknowledgement for the circumstances and many blessings of my post-divorce life. For 12 or so years since parting from my first wife, mother of my two daughters I’ve had it pretty easy.

With a mutual commitment to giving our girls the best upbringing possible in spite of our relationship with each other falling apart, we’ve co-parented them equally for nearly 11 years. We’ve had some disagreements over that time; we are a divorced couple after all. Fundamentally though, we’re amicable, fair and respectful towards each other.

From the days when the wounds of parting were raw, through to both being happily remarried, we’ve been resolutely committed to giving our daughters a happy and loving childhood. We’ve weathered the phases of childhood and dealt with the hormonal outbursts of puberty. Through it all, we’ve done the best we could to raise them jointly, apart. We now have an arrangement known as bird-nesting where the girls remain in one home and their mum and I come and go as live-in parent of the week.

When I contrast this to the lives of other divorced and separated families, I realise I have it easy. I’ve observed the mothers who withhold custody from the father, driven by retribution and anger. I’ve witnessed the fathers whose apathy and disinterest in their kids is dwarfed only by their own self-serving pride. Most upsetting, I’ve seen the effects on kids who exist in-between two warring parents. They’re forced to grapple with the ludicrous behaviour of their supposed role-models, wearing bravely-stoic faces and appeasing their parents’ consciences by pretending it’s all okay.

It’s angering, baffling and saddening.

All that said, it feels self-indulgent to even contemplate the difficulties presented by living out my own amicable divorce but I’m going to share these anyway. We all face challenges, it’s just that mine are different from others’.

I spend most of my life apart from someone that I love – If it’s my week with the girls, I’m apart from my wife and step-kids. If I’m with my wife, I’m generally apart from my daughters. Wherever I am, I try and immerse myself fully in that role and place, but it’s hard to always be apart from a subset of those you love.

Maybe the separated life that I’ve lived for so long will better prepare me for when the kids leave home? I doubt it somehow. Even before I had a new relationship, when my weeks with the girls were punctuated by weeks on my own, I’d be yearning to see them again by the end of my free week. These days, the yearning to see them is compounded by impending absence from my wife.

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It attracts criticism from those who don’t understand the setup – For as long as I can remember, there have been critics of our arrangement. When the girls were young (we first started co-parenting when the youngest was three) there were those who’d state that toddlers needed their mother more than their father. Throughout post-divorce life there have been those who say my ex and I are selfishly pursuing our own lives at the expense of stability and happiness of our kids. We have well-practiced responses to these and many other accusations but it matters little.

Like anything unusual, there will be those who are vocal in their criticism and strident in their opinion. I stand by my choices but like any parent I’m just doing my best and it undermines confidence when others freely express judgment when we’re just trying to make the best of our situation.

I still tackle many of the challenges of parenting alone, that a non-separated couple would face together – Our new partners are both active and supportive regarding the kids. In spite of this, my ex and I still have to handle many of the challenges of parenting alone, by virtue of our custody arrangement. For the majority of the girls’ lives, they’ve existed in a home with just one parent and their sibling, even since we each remarried. We’ve both called upon support with parental challenges at times, often from each other. Generally though, we’re each isolated as single parents dealing with the day-to-day whims of two teenage girls.

This is of course the reality for most separated families, but it’s one area of life that hasn’t eased significantly in spite of each of us remarrying. We each remain largely isolated when we’re parent of the week.

We’re heavily reliant on the goodwill and acceptance of our new partners – Part of my online dating profile when I was single explained the intricacies of my parenting life. It specified that this would need to be accepted as part of me and my life. My ex has similarly always been up front over the commitment she has to our kids. That this was stated up-front doesn’t make it easy for our new partners to accept spending upwards of 50% of their time away from us at the expense of the kids.

The close proximity of our lives in our current ‘bird-nesting’ arrangement has also placed a burden upon our new partners adapting to and accepting this unusually close relationship between me and my ex. It’s testament to them that they’re supportive and understanding.

Taken as a whole, I embrace the ‘challenges’ of my life over many of those faced by divorced parents. I feel lucky, but also proud to have created a child-centric means of raising my kids after divorce.

The feelings of gratitude are occasionally tempered by the hardships I face, particularly on a ‘changeover Monday’. When I’ve just kissed my wife goodbye for another week, as I head to the kids’ home to live in as parent of the week I often feel sad. I’m excited to see the kids of course, but the emotions accompanying the changeover never seem to ease, no matter which direction I’m moving.

I don’t expect they ever will.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-difficulties-of-life-after-an-amicable-divorce_uk_5afaa537e4b0b61057a3bc47?utm_hp_ref=uk-dating-and-relationships