4 BEHAVIOURS ARE THE MOST RELIABLE PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE

A study was so striking it spurred researchers to label the four behaviours 'the four horsemen of the apocalypse'

Ever been in the middle of a heated argument when suddenly the other person pulls out their phone and starts texting?

If the answer is yes, and if you find it happening constantly, we hope that person isn't your significant other.

This behavior, known as stonewalling, is one of four reactions that John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the founder of the Gottman Institute, has identified as a telltale sign that all is not well with a married couple.

In fact, when Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson lumped stonewalling together with three other behaviours — contempt, criticism, and defensiveness — and measured how often they occurred within the span of a 15-minute conversation, they found they could predict which marriages would end in divorce with striking precision.

When the psychologists added questions about things like relationship satisfaction and how many times the research subjects had thoughts about separating to the mix, they could predict which marriages would end in divorce 93% of the time.

The figure, which comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period), was so striking it spurred the researchers to label the four behaviours "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."

While that initial study, published in 2002, was small and focused on a specific population, a decade of research into marriage and divorce has lent further support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviours.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.

So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviours actually look like in a relationship?

1. Contempt

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.

This behavior alone, Gottman told Business Insider, is "the kiss of death" for a relationship.

Take an everyday argument about buying groceries, for example. When you come home and realize your significant other has picked up habanero peppers rather than bell peppers for tonight's stir-fry dinner, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?

The reason contempt is so powerful is because it means you've closed yourself off to your partner's needs and emotions.

If you constantly feel smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other, you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

2. Criticism

Like contempt, criticism involves turning a behavior (something your partner did) into a statement about his or her character (the type of person he or she is).

Say your partner has a nasty habit of leaving his or her used cereal bowl — calcified, uneaten cereal-and-milk remnants and all — around the house.

Do you wait until he or she gets home to mention that the behavior bothers you, and gently suggest that he or she put the emptied bowl in the sink or dishwasher instead? Or do you think to yourself, "Why am I dating the type of person who abandons half-eaten cereal bowls around the house?"

Over time, these personal detractions can add up, feeding darker feelings of resentment and contempt.

3. Defensiveness

If you find yourself regularly playing the victim in tough situations with your partner, you might be guilty of being defensive.

Take being late to a cousin's wedding, for example. Are you the first to say, "It wasn't my fault!" when you finally arrive? Or do you think it over before you accuse the other person, realizing you probably shouldn't have taken a two-hour shower when you only had an hour to get ready?

Taking responsibility for your role in a tough situation can be uncomfortable, but it's often what keeps a bad situation from escalating, says Gottman.

He's found that for couples who divorce within the first several years of their marriage — one of the times when divorce rates are highest — "entering negativity is like stepping into a quicksand bog. It’s easy to enter but hard to exit."

4. Stonewalling

You know when an argument is about to start. You can feel your heart rate increase and your voice get just a tiny bit louder. But the moment things start to get heated, do you pull out your phone, walk away, or simply ignore your partner?

Blocking off conversation can be just as toxic for a relationship as contempt because it keeps you from addressing an underlying issue.

We know: Getting into arguments with your partner is the opposite of a good time. But these temporarily uncomfortable situations are oftentimes the place where you can start to come to big realizations about your own behavior and solve potentially damaging problems.

Don't panic

It's important to keep in mind that occasionally displaying any one of these behaviours — or all of them, even — is completely normal.

It's when these negative behaviours happen so frequently that they replace more positive interactions with your partner that can be cause for concern.

Simply recognizing that you're doing something that could be hurting your relationship is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll probably make the relationship even stronger.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/4-behaviours-are-the-most-reliable-predictors-of-divorce-a6881616.html

The Case For 'No Shame' Divorce. By Jessica Richards

Divorce is painful, but the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process.

How relationships work is always evolving. Marriage has changed a lot since the 1970s but unfortunately, divorce laws in England and Wales have not caught up. 

While no one expects their marriage to end in divorce, it happens to around 100,000 couples each year (according to ONS). All go through a legal process that causes shame and anxiety, during one of the most stressful events life can throw at them. Our old-fashioned divorce laws are failing us and they need a reform.

For the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of divorce law based on the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. A divorcing couple are treated as two separate parties even if the split is by mutual agreement. One is the petitioner (requesting the divorce) and one is the respondent (acknowledging the request).

The petitioner has to give a reason why the marriage is over. There is a choice of five reasons: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, separation (two years) or separation (five years). These reasons come with complex conditions. For example, desertion only applies if one party has left the other for two years in the last 2.5. Gov.uk is the best place to find the full details. 

Many people who go through divorce simply want to move on with their lives. But to get a divorce before two years of separation has passed, the petitioner must prove that the respondent is to blame. The only two reasons they can give in this case are adultery or unreasonable behaviour. They must provide evidence of what their spouse did and how they felt about it. In over half of divorce cases, unreasonable behaviour is the reason given.

Tini Owens recently lost a case to divorce her husband on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. To get to this point, she had to share details of her personal life and describe how the situation made her feel “unloved, isolated and alone.” The judge then concluded that her unhappiness was not an acceptable justification to end the marriage. She is being forced to stay married, sentenced to more misery. Her autonomy is being denied. 

We’ve all seen behaviour in other people’s relationships that is either awful or no big deal to us. But who are we to judge? How can anyone judge how another should feel about behaviour they haven’t experienced? Even an actual judge.  

During my own divorce, I felt lost and hopeless for a while. Navigating the legal process was a barrier to healing and getting my life back on track. Supplying private details of my marriage for an unknown person to judge caused yet more heartache. It felt shaming. There were many abandoned attempts before I finally worked up the courage to face the process without the aid of expensive lawyers. Then months of limbo as I waited for the resolution and the permission to move forward. The confirmation I had suffered enough.

Why should the joy and happiness in a marriage be up to us to share or keep private, whilst the difficult times and ways we hurt each other have to be on the record if we divorce? It doesn’t make sense that even though we decide a marriage was over, that isn’t enough. It is as if by failing at the sacred institute of marriage, our decision making can no longer be trusted. An out-dated patriarchal perspective that has no place in modern life.

In 2017 Professor Liz Trinder of the University of Exeter published a comprehensive study of divorce law. Results showed the impact of what she calls our “often painful, and sometimes destructive, legal ritual”. Reasons given for divorces were often inaccurate because people were scared of them being rejected. Forcing couples to attribute blame increased the level of bitterness in many breakups. This often affected children by making it more difficult for financial and access arrangements to be agreed post-divorce.

Trinder said: “In the twenty-first century, the state cannot, and should not, seek to decide whether someone’s marriage has broken down.” Her report provided essential recommendations for reform which are under review. 

In conclusion, divorce is painful. But the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process. Allow for mutually agreed divorces without a minimum separation period. Treat people as adults who can choose to enter into divorce as they chose to enter into marriage. The no shame divorce is a 21st Century adult right.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-case-for-no-shame-divorce_uk_5b76a79de4b0ef9091f95ac1

#AskMel: Should I stay in this relationship? | Mel Robbins

5 Signs that Tell You When It’s Time to Leave a Relationship. By Ash Osborne

Relationships can be tricky. They’re amazing when they’re going well but if something happens, or you’re on a rocky road, they can be painful. If you’ve been with someone a long time, you can start to get stuck in a routine. You might not necessarily notice the behaviour of your other half because it’s become the norm to you. Taking a step back and looking at your relationship from a different viewpoint can be really beneficial and help you to gain perspective on a scenario.

There is no ‘perfect’ relationship. Even the happiest of couples can have arguments, disagreements and temporary breakups. That’s life. But there is a time when you have to look at your relationship without rose-tinted glasses and see if those small arguments are actually escalating into massive rows. Sometimes, you have to leave a relationship and put yourself first to be happy. So, Psych2Go shares 5 signs that tell you when it’s time to leave a relationship.

1) You’re consistently unhappy.

Any relationship, be it friends, family or romantic, should bring you happiness. You should look forward to seeing your partner, and enjoy spending time with them. Obviously, you can’t be constantly happy in a relationship because that’s not realistic. But you should feel supported, safe and loved. If you start to feel consistently unhappy, maybe it‘s time to ask yourself why. Maybe it’s you, or it may be your partner. It‘s good to understand why you’re feeling unhappy so you can either fix the problem or choose to leave. There is no shame to admit that your relationship is not offering you the same support and contentment that it once was.

2) You’re travelling on different paths.

Sometimes, you can start a relationship in one place. But as you grow, you can change mindsets. Long-term relationships can be amazing as you can grow and change with your partner, but sometimes you can grow and change at a different rate to your partner. If you’re moving in different directions to your partner, it can be difficult to navigate a relationship. Also, if you’re in a different place emotionally, you might not want the same things. In this case, it’s best for both of you to separate amicably. It’s a good thing to discuss what each of you wants from a relationship if you’re going to be serious about a partner.

3) Lack of support

In a relationship, support is key. You want to feel that your partner believes in what you’re doing and is behind you 100%. But if that support isn’t there, you can start to feel let down and unfulfilled. Emotional support is also really important. If you’re not feeling that in your relationship, it can be damaging and can affect your happiness. If you don’t feel like your partner is invested in you and is behind you all the way, then it might be time to consider having a conversation about your relationship with your partner.

4) Abuse of any sort

By this, I mean emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and so on. If your partner has abused you in any way, then that is a clear sign you should, at least, consider leaving. Abuse is very damaging, and the abuser can often try and convince you to stay in the relationship. If this is the case, you should leave for your own safety. It can be very difficult to leave a relationship like that, but there are hotlines available to contact should you need to. Here is the link to a document with the number of any hotlines should you feel you need to use them. Remember, you’re not alone in this.

5) Lack of trust

The foundation of all relationships should be trust. The trust between you and your partner should be strong. If it isn’t, that could mean you doubt their actions. As a result, this could possibly lead to jealousy. If you don’t trust your partner, you could work on it and try to rebuild it. Losing trust is often a sign that something is wrong within your relationship, and you’ll need to address it. However, if you’re past the rebuilding phase (maybe your partner betrayed your trust too many times), ending the relationship could be a possibility. There is no shame admitting you can’t be with someone you don’t fully trust. It’s all about what makes you happy.

https://psych2go.net/5-signs-that-tell-you-when-its-time-to-leave-a-relationship/

Disrupting the Divorce Experience. Defining Your Next Chapter. | Sadie Bjornstad | TEDxOakParkWomen

Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Your Divorce. BY CHARLOTTE ANDERSEN

Ending an unhappy marriage doesn't make you damaged goods — it means you're smart and strong enough to make a better life for yourself.

When Ellen Myers finalized her divorce in 2013 she felt an overwhelming sense of freedom — and a deep sense of shame. "It was a weird time," she recalls. "On one hand I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time, I didn't want anyone to know."

The Colorado mom had married young, at just 18, and had children right away. Like many divorced people, she felt embarrassed that she hadn't been able to make her marriage last. She became convinced her friends and family were all silently thinking, I told you this would never work. But worse were the slights she dealt with in public — glances at her empty ring finger, a lack of invitations from former friends, and, most troublingly, a pointed remark from a clergy member at her church, who read Myers discouraging stats about children of divorce, then suggested she continue to endure her abusive situation for her kids' sake. She even faced rejection from a potential landlord after disclosing that she was a single mother who relied on child support for income.

"He told me he never rented to single moms because the 'deadbeat dads' didn't pay up and he 'didn't need that kind of drama'," Myers recalls. "It was awful. Even though I knew, deep down, I'd made the best choice for me and my children, it was hard not to feel like I'd failed."

Myers isn't the only woman who has struggled with feelings of shame about her split. Despite the ubiquity of divorce — just over half of marriages will make it to the 20-year mark, according to the most recent data from the National Survey of Family Growth — there is still a lingering stigma that many people, especially women, face, says Anita C. Savage, a divorce and family law attorney at GoransonBain.

"I;ve seen countless clients who feel stigmatized by their divorce. In fact, despite my profession, I was one of them," she admits. "I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell my friends and family that I could not make my marriage work."

And while it's perfectly normal to feel that way, Savage says, shame should never enter into the picture. Getting divorced doesn't mean you're "dumb" or "damaged goods."

"Even 'good' people face divorce, by choice or because of their spouse's decision, but the divorce itself does not reflect who that person is or what that person stands for," she says. "For a variety of innocuous reasons and despite their best attempts, two emotionally healthy and functioning people sometimes cannot make their marriage work."

Not only is divorce not a commentary on your personal worth, it can actually show the world just how strong you are, says Nanda Davis, Esq., a specialist in divorce and family law and president of the Roanoke chapter of the Virginia Women Attorney's Association. "Divorcing a spouse takes a lot of courage," she says. It involves being honest and publicly open about very painful personal topics and standing up for your and your children's needs — all tough things to do, she adds.

Divorce is ultimately about getting a fresh start, and wanting a better life is nothing to be ashamed of, says Kathryn Smerling, Ph.D., a family therapist and divorce expert. "Some people still think that you should stay married just for the sake of it, even if you're unhappy. But why would you do that?" she asks.

On an intellectual level, these messages seem easy enough to grasp. So why do so many people still feel like Myers? Although social stigma is certainly still a factor (case in point: Myers's pastor), it's fading from what it was several generations ago. (A Gallup poll conducted earlier this year determined that 73 percent of American adults believe divorce is "morally acceptable," compared to 59 percent in 2001.)

According to Savage, it's because divorced women often end up blaming themselves for the end of their marriages. "The good will we're willing to give to others experiencing a divorce is something we haven't provided to ourselves," she explains. "We believe that our failed marriage means we have failed as a human being, as a partner, and as a parent who wanted to provide their child with an example of what a long and successful marriage looks like."

They key to overcoming these painful feelings is to give yourself a break, she says. Tune out negative self-talk by surrounding yourself with supportive people, whether that's family, friends, a church group, or even a divorce recovery group where you can talk it out. There's great relief in discussing your questions and concerns with people who have been there too — plus it helps others overcome their own sense of shame and embarrassment, Savage says.

If you're really struggling to shake negative feelings after a divorce, Smerling recommends connecting with a therapist. "Unresolved feelings of shame and guilt can lead to depression and feelings of paralysis," she says. "So if you're feeling that way, it's important to go seek professional help."

For Myers, time has been the most important part of her healing process. Nearly four years after her divorce, "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time," she says. "Now my life is so much better, both for me and my kids, and I've discovered I'm stronger than I ever knew — and that's something I'm immensely proud of."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/a59810/coping-with-divorce/

"What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Divorced" Discover 10 important pieces of advice these women learned the hard way.BY NATASHA BURTON

Hindsight's 20/20, so there's no one better than ex-wives to tell you what to do (and not to do) if you're going through—or just contemplating—a divorce. Here, real women share what they wish they'd known when they split from their husbands and divorce professionals weigh in on how to combat the most unexpected, yet most common, mistakes they've seen clients make. Rest assured, these 10 lessons can get you through the end of your marriage, both financially and emotionally.

1. It may take a long time to recover—and that's okay. Julie, 50, from Denver, thought she'd be able to handle her divorce. "I'm a strong person, I own my own business and I'm a professional speaker," she says. But she admits she could barely function for a full year after the split.Her divorce recovery classes helped her realize everyone bounces back at their own pace. Psychotherapist Pandora MacLean-Hoover, who's divorced, also suggests finding a therapist who knows firsthand how vulnerable you are. "Therapists who haven't experienced divorce often create false hope," in regards to recovering quickly. "It's important to have support that's educated as well as therapeutic."

2. Choose your counsel wisely. "I used a criminal attorney and got a poor settlement," admits Christine K. Clifford, CEO of Divorcing Divas. On the other hand, a lawyer who's well-versed in family law could get you a better settlement because she knows the state-law nuances and local judges and lawyers, says Jacqueline Newman, a partner at a boutique New York City law firm specializing in divorce. If you and your husband have complicated combined assets, you may need additional pros. Kira Brown, 34, from Phoenix, AZ, owned a business with her ex-husband and wishes she'd also hired a financial planner for help negotiating her settlement.

3. Dig deeply into your joint finances. According to financial analyst Sandy Arons, a divorcee herself, 40% of divorce proceedings are about money. So get as much information as you can about your shared accounts to be well-informed before court. Specifically, "learn all of the online passwords to bank accounts, which accounts had automatic payments and where money is invested, including the names of all accounts, the account numbers and the investment advisors," says Newman. Ask your attorney when and how it's best to gather this info first, though.

4. Figure out your future living expenses ASAP. Your financial well-being should be your top priority, says divorce financial expert and mediator Rosemary Frank. "Raw emotions will heal and legalities will be completed, but the financial impact of poor decisions, or default decisions due to lack of understanding, will last a lifetime," she warns.Step one: Thoroughly understand your current cost of living before the divorce proceedings start. "If you don't know what you'll need in the future, you won't be able to ask for it and you surely won't get it," she says.

5. Anticipate unexpected costs. Even with carefully planning out your future expenses, something surprising may pop up. For example, your husband may be able to boot you from his health insurance plan, leaving you with an added cost of as much as $1,000 per month. Caitlin, 55, from Tarrytown, NY, recommends requesting a one-time payment, separate from alimony. "I asked for, and got, a check 30 days after my husband left," she says. "Too many men dodge their financial responsibilities, so waiting for that first alimony check is unwise. Try to have money available—like $5,000—within days. You'll need it."

6. Trying to hurt your ex usually backfires. Newman says that a client of hers told her husband's boss about his affair with his secretary and ended up getting him fired. "It not only 'showed him;' it also showed the wife—and their children—what life is like on a lower salary," she says.Simplybadmouthing your ex is likely to hurt your kids more than your husband, even if you don't think they hear or read what you say. "Anything written online about an ex-spouse will exist forever—when the children are old enough to read," cautions Newman.

7. Being divorced doesn't mean you're a failure, less competent or lessdesirable. "Divorce used to be something people didn't do, and many considered divorced women to be 'loose' and 'scandalous,'" says two-time divorcee Jennifer Little, PhD, founder of Parents Teach Kids. Some of those stigmas still exist, she says, so remember that divorce doesn't define you. "Divorcing just means that the relationship didn't work out," she says. "You haven't been rejected as a woman or a person, nor are you incompetent at being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend."

8. The holidays will be harder than you expect. Amanda, 29, from Albuquerque, NM, was married for over six years until her divorce. "I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that accompanied Christmas," she says. "It amplified the concept of a broken home." She wishes she had made plans to see her mother or a friend—or taken a vacation—to take her mind off spending the holiday by herself. So make sure you stay busy during that difficult time of year.

9. Your kids won't tell you how they really feel about the divorce, but their behavior will. "Children feel a sense of responsibility for the breakup no matter how much the parents state it wasn't about them," says marriage and family therapist Lesli M. W. Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage.So monitor your kids' actions to understand how they're dealing.Watch out for little ones regressing in their behavior—acting younger, wanting to sleep in bed with you—or showing anger toward siblings and peers. Adolescents tend to act out by drinking, skipping school or disobeying curfews. To get things back on track, Doares suggests addressing issues as a family so everyone can talk about the changes together. Also, inform your child's teacher of the new situation, but don't automatically put your kid in therapy. "It can leave him feeling stigmatized or reinforce that the divorce is his fault," says Doares, though therapy's a good option if the behavior change is extreme.

10. Divorce can be freeing—and totally worth it. Annie, 47, from Boston, felt like she didn't have any talents, besides caring for her kids, before divorcing in 2007. She now has a blog, PlentyPerfect.com, and sees new directions her life can take. "Divorce can be the beginning of a good next chapter, even if you don't know how the book's going to end," she says. "Maybe you don't know what the options are yet, but they're out there."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a6834/divorce-advice-women/

4 Reasons Not To Listen To Divorce Advice From Friends & Family

This may just be the most important article you read regarding your divorce.

Going through a divorce is hard enough. The last thing you need is to get slanted, subjective “advice” from family and friends. I get it though, how can you not listen to them?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying family and friends are intentionally trying to give you bad advice. No, not at all. I’m sure they have your best interest in mind. It just so happens that the advice they probably are giving you is bad and you should not listen to it. Take it from a divorce attorney who has seen this more times than I can count.

My clients would ALWAYS tell me some variation of the following: “My best friend’s sister went through a divorce can she got a, b, c and the dishwasher.” My response would be, “Okay, so what are you telling me? You want that, too.”

Divorce doesn’t work that way.

I describe divorce like a snowflake; no two are the same. Every divorce is different. It’s so fact sensitive that there is no way you can compare one to another.

Maybe you were married the same amount of time as someone you know who got divorced. Maybe you have the same number of children. But, that’s not how assets get divided.

There is a myriad of factors that attorneys and courts consider when discussing alimony and asset distribution. No two couples have the same assets. No two couples have the same marriage. That’s why you can’t compare one divorce to another.

Here are 4 reasons not to listen to family and friends for divorce advice:

1. They don’t know all the detail and facts about your marriage, even though they think they do.

If you’re close to your friends and family, they probably know about you and what’s going on in your life. However, I don’t care if you speak to them every day, I guarantee you they don’t know everything. They don’t know all your assets that would be subject to distribution; they don’t know all the numbers and finances. And even if you told them, they don’t know how to process that information objectively and legally so it would mean something to you.

2. They don’t know the law.

Unless your friend or family member is a practicing divorce attorney, they don’t know the            law regarding divorce. They might think they do, but they don’t know it all. Watching Divorce Court is not the same thing as being a divorce lawyer. Divorce law is         complicated and it all depends on the specific facts of your particular case. It’s not as simple as just splitting everything, taking an average, or basing child support on how many kids you have. Friends and family are not considering the nuances of your case.

3. They are not living the divorce like you are.

The only person who truly understands what your divorce feels like is you. The second closest would be your soon-to-be ex. Not your family or friends. I would compare their view to a fan watching the game from the stands. The fan can remove themselves from the game whenever they choose and maybe get a hot dog, or just leave the stadium if the game is boring. Not you and your divorce. You can’t escape it. Their advice is       coming from a different point of view, which might be good, but often it is either useless or makes things worse.  

4. They are not objective, which is the type of advice you need to rely on.

That’s why people hire attorneys. Although they are your advocate, they should be objective and advise you accordingly. A good divorce attorney acts without the emotional baggage that you are dealing with. Friends and family can’t do that. Just the nature of being your friend means they are not objective and probably are unconsciously trying to make things right for you. As a divorce attorney, I’m always straight up with my         clients; I tell them the good, bad and the ugly. The last thing you want is to be surprised when the judge decides something differently than you expected.

The Most Important Piece Of Legal Advice You Will Get:

Here it is…ready?  It will blow your mind.

Don’t listen to your friends, their friends, or your cousin’s brother’s friend.

Everybody will want to give you advice about what he or she got in his or her divorce, or better yet, what you should get in yours. Just tune it out.

You can’t compare your divorce to someone else’s. There is nothing good that can come from it. Focus on you. Seek out objective opinions and take subjective advice with a grain of salt.

Save yourself the wasted energy from engaging in conversation about other people’s divorce. Next time one of your friends or family offers advice to you on your situation, you can politely stop them from offering their advice to your situation.

If you are in the middle of a divorce, or about to start one, you have BIGGER fish to fry than to worry about another divorce, or what people are saying about yours. 

This is your life and only you will live with the consequences of the decisions you make.

https://divorcedmoms.com/4-reasons-not-to-listen-to-divorce-advice-from-friends-family/

Divorce Coaching And How It Can Help You. By Michael V. Fancher

Find Direction With Divorce Coaching 

Most people have heard of divorce lawyers and litigation, but not everyone is familiar with divorce coaches. If you’re in the process of navigating a divorce, a divorce coach can be a critical player in the process. These types of coaches are individuals who can help you navigate various aspects of your divorce, especially for those who are going through an amicable separation but could use some guidance from a professional. If you need some direction in your divorce, here’s why this type of coach might be the solution for you.

What Is Divorce Coaching?

A divorce coach is a third party who assists at various points during a divorce. These coaches typically have backgrounds in family or marriage therapy. This person is a great asset for couples who want to ultimately reach an amicable solution but have a hard time having a peaceful and productive discussion without an intermediary. Divorce coaches often enable two parties to talk through difficult discussion points without the conversation taking a negative turn to get to an ultimately better outcome for both parties.  

Who Needs a Divorce Coach?

Divorce coaching is a huge asset for some couples, but it’s not a one size fits all solution. Parties who often benefit from a divorce coach include but are not limited to:

• Couples going through a “Kitchen Table” divorce, or those who can sit down and talk out the divorce without an attorney
• Couples who have an overall amicable divorce process but need assistance discussing certain pain points
• Couples who are undertaking a collaborative divorce.
• Couples who are using a mediator for their divorce process

What Roles Can a Divorce Coach Fulfill?

Divorce coaching can happen in a number of different ways. These types of coaches can be involved in the early stages of divorce to help a couple figure out what method of divorce is right for them or if they can resolve their marital challenges and stay together in the long run.

Divorce coaches can also have a large role in the actual divorce process. Their main objective is to help both parties successfully communicate so as to reach a mutually beneficial agreement in the long run.

Finally, divorce coaches can play a role in navigating the post divorce parenting process in some cases. This is a specialized form of divorce coaching called a “Co-Parenting Coach.” This person can help parents navigate the parenting process post-divorce and find the best solution for the family moving forward. Because disputes don’t necessarily end when the divorce is complete, this person can continue to be involved even after the divorce is final. They can help with a myriad of issues including conflict resolution and creating a parenting plan that is best for the children’s well being.

Why Choose a Divorce Coach in Addition to Other Forms of Representation?

Divorce coaches offer many benefits for those who need some guidance during their divorce. A few benefits they may offer you include:

• Helping with communication issues that get in the way of healthy discussion.
• Discovering hidden emotional baggage that needs to be unpacked and dealt with.
• Tailoring solutions to your needs, including ongoing personalized support and a helping hand to find your best solution.
• Reducing the cost of your divorce in the long run by helping to reduce conflict.

Divorce is a challenging time for all parties involved. From emotions running high, to difficult conversations with children, to piles of paperwork, divorce is a trying process. Having a supportive divorce coach on your side may just be the solution you need to move forward and start the next chapter of your life.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/divorce-coaching-how-it-can-help-you/

How to break up and move on

What am I up against?

It’s hard to let go of a relationship after investing so much of yourself into it. Very often you still feel connected to them, and it can even feel a bit like they are still a part of you in some way. So seeing your ex with someone else can sometimes feel incredibly painful.

How do I deal with it?

If they ended it

If you’re still emotionally attached when the relationship ends, you may find it hard to feel a sense of closure. This can make it really difficult to form new, quality relationships (Wilson, 2008). Understanding why the relationship ended and why it didn’t work out can help you let go of lingering feelings.

In the first instance, try asking your ex why they ended it. Allow them to speak and resist the temptation to defend yourself. Keep it light and explain from the outset that all you want from the conversation is closure. Ex-partners may feel that you want to meet as part of a ploy to reignite the relationship, so set it squarely and maybe ask to meet in a public place like a coffee shop to make your intentions clear.

Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship

One way to let go of an emotional attachment to an ex-partner is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help with reducing the attachment to previous partners.

Timing is quite crucial here; moving on before you gain closure could mean that your emotions are out of kilter. Sometimes after a relationship, you need a little time to rediscover your own identity.  If you aren’t yet happy in yourself, you may struggle to form a new partnership. However, if the time is right for you, considering potential romantic opportunities might be what you need to move on. One Canadian study found that “focussing on specific new relationship options can decrease attachment to an ex-partner for anxiously attached individuals” (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009).

Take a break from online social networks

Before you can cope with the idea of your partner with someone else, you’re probably going to need a bit of time. If you can avoid seeing them in the meantime, then that’s going to serve you well. However, if your Facebook page and other social networks are going to keep shoving it in your face, then the temptation to scroll through your ex’s photos might prove too great. It may be worth blocking them for a while, or even taking a break from social networks for a few weeks. You can always reactivate your account once you feel ready.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/how-to-break-up-and-move-on/