Getting Divorced: January Is Divorce Season

Divorce is often a difficult journey and whilst that journey varies from person to person, almost everyone only reaches their Divorce Monday after having tried harder than most people can imagine possible. Whilst there's no denying that divorce is a hard path to take, it's certainly no failure.

Did you know January is the most popular month for getting divorced? Over twice as many people file for divorce in January as file for it in the second most popular month - September. Divorce Monday - the most popular day for a divorce - falls on the first working Monday of the month. It must be the come down from all that turkey and chocolates, and to be fair there's always a bit of a lull in the office that day - I guess people need to fill their time somehow.

The mainstream media tells it how it is.Divorce Monday reflects all that is wrong with society 'nowadays'; a society where people are unwilling to put in effort, where couples walk away from commitments too easily and flit from one bad decision to the next searching for instant gratification. Many countries, including the UK, don't allow no-fault divorce, fearing it encourages higher divorce rates.

Some campaigners have suggested solutions to these problems. Limits should be introduced on when you can petition for a divorce. Divorce Monday may become Divorce Tuesday. Perhaps we could keep limiting it until we run out of days in the week. In fact, a disproportionate number of people who divorce got engaged at the weekend - let's cancel those too. Why stop there though? Marriage is the root of all these problems, without it there'd be no divorce. Let's just be done with it and scrap marriage (*JOKE*).

My own Divorce Monday came over two years ago. It's been one hell of a journey since then, and of course it started well before the day I sent off that paperwork. Divorce is not a good thing in and of itself, just as it's not a universally bad thing. Divorce is an outcome for many people which they need. It is a result which only they can know if it is right for them, and only they can know when it is right for them. For many people, that will be this January.

It is sad that Divorce Monday exists, I don't deny that. Believe me, I've shed enough tears to know divorce is tough. It's not sad because of some imagined blight divorce represents on our society though. It's sad because it represents the end of someone's hopes and dreams and it often hides many months, if not years, of unhappiness at best (and much worse for many). Divorce is often a difficult journey and whilst that journey varies from person to person, almost everyone only reaches their Divorce Monday after having tried harder than most people can imagine possible. Whilst there's no denying that divorce is a hard path to take, it's certainly no failure.

So if you are one of those getting divorced this January I want to tell you this.

Getting divorced will be the hardest and most rewarding thing you have ever done. It may sound strange to call a divorce rewarding, but I'm guessing you ain't happy with how things are going and you haven't been for quite some time. Lots of people contemplate divorce but decide it isn't right for them. None of us get that far into the idea of divorce without good reason. I have no idea what yours may be. A loveless marriage. Constant arguing. Abuse. Boredom. Infidelity. Addiction. The list goes on. It doesn't matter your reason. It just matters that it's yours. Filing for divorce represents an end of hope. An end to the belief that things will get better. Maybe the hope was extinguished suddenly, or perhaps you've finally realised it's been dying for some time now. The one thing I know for certain though is that hope keeps us in a bad marriage more than love ever could.

If you are getting divorced this month just remember you're not alone. This will be a tough path to take but in time your life will become happier. Not just happier from now, in the first days of divorce, but from how it was in the last days of marriage. After all, that's what divorce is about. It is not about walking away, giving up, making a bad decision or whatever else others want to claim it is, it's about getting out of an unhappy/ unhealthy/ un-[insert your adjective of choice] marriage. It can be a long journey but you will find the strength. To those divorcing this January, I wish you the best of luck with it.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ella-davis/getting-divorced-january-_b_14232600.html

Tom Hanks has some beautiful life advice for anyone with divorced parents

Tom Hanks is no stranger to making us cry.

Throughout his career, he has starred in some of the most emotive films imaginable, from Saving Private Ryan to Forrest Gump. As well as breaking our hearts with his on screen characters, he’s one of those rare celebrities who actually seems like a genuinely nice person in real life, too –proven by this story of how he helped his wife, Rita Wilson, beat breast cancer.

And now, Hanks has opened up further about his family life, by discussing the impact of growing up with divorced parents while also sharing the one life lesson he tries to instill in his four children.

Speaking about his debut collection of short stories, Uncommon Type, at the Southbank Centre’s London Literature Festival, Hanks talked about bringing up his three sons and his daughter – and how he wants them to believe they can overcome any obstacle in life.

“All I can be to them is that place where someone says, ‘you can figure this out, and you will be ok,’” he said.

Hanks also spoke of the importance of having deep connections with people outside of your family, adding that he knew his children needed a bigger support network in their lives than just himself and Wilson.

“I get along with each [of my children] completely differently, and every relationship I have is a whole and complete one,” he said. 

“But I know absolutely for certain that they need other people in their lives to come and stir them along.”

Hanks shared many more musings throughout the talk: from the importance of finding the people who matter in life, to the value of making mistakes, you can read some of them, recorded in his own wonderful words, below.

On growing up with divorced parents 

“My parents divorced when I was five. There were four of us, and my youngest brother stayed with my mum, while the rest of us stayed with my dad.

My mum found the love of her life on her fourth marriage, and my dad found the love of his life on his third marriage. Both my parents reached the level they were seeking, it just took them a while to find it. That’s an adult lesson you learn about parenting… everyone is trying to get by and do the right thing.

I’m lucky that both my parents passed away after I had the chance to tell them how much they meant to be. And when the time went by it was like, ‘hey, their ride is here, it’s just time for them to go’.

You wish you could spend a couple of days with each one again. You think about them in some way almost every day - something always comes to you.”

On forging a relationship with his mum

“I was very solid with my mum even though I was the only one [of my siblings] who did not live with her. She and I had great talks, and I was very pragmatic about our life together.

I don’t think I was ever alone with just my mum, except for a handful of times, throughout the whole of our lives. There was always a sibling or someone else around.

But I remember the times when it was just me and my mum, and we’d be going out for a hamburger, or lunch, and it was a magical time for me, free of guilt and free of an agenda. But not for my mum, because I think at the end of the day, she was thinking ‘I should do more for this child number three, who doesn’t live with me and who I don’t see very much’.

We talked about that later on. I said, ‘mum, I know we didn’t live together, but I think you did a great job none the less’. And she said, ‘well, I’m glad you think that’. It was very lovely.”

On finding the people who matter

“From my perspective, the bonds you make with your family are not by choice - they just are. Whether they’re good or bad, you don’t get to choose who your family is, or who your parents are. And so much can get in the way of those relationships.

The stories in the book that aren’t about family are about that other type of union – the connections that we all make. We make those connections by option and we choose to invest in them. You never know if you’re going to start a class, or change college, or move into a new apartment, and meet the person who literally carries you across the rubicon and into the new country of your life.

I could not make a decision on the family that I had, and it was fragmented and confusing sometimes. But I accepted that as it was - I didn’t think it was out of the norm, I just thought that’s what family was.

What ended up being the great catalyst in my life… friends, the first person you see doing a show, the first person who gives you a job or says you can be more than what you think you are. And that comes about because of the wonderful, inexplicable moments of serendipity of who you meet.

It’s those connections that are not a substitute for family, but they are another great necessity in our lives, the people who stir us and inspire, and sometimes, take care of us.”

On how Nora Ephron inspired him to write

[Hanks has a dedication to Nora Ephron in Uncommon Type, which reads “Because of Nora”]

“I first met Nora Ephron when she directed Sleepless in Seattle and I was intimidated by her because of all the writing she had done, and I’d seen a movie she had directed which I really liked. I went in to meet with her and I was a very cranky actor - I thought I was a hot shot as I had had some hits and was weighing up other offers. I was all pushed out of shape for a while.

I said to her [about the script], “you’re a woman who wrote about a guy with a kid, men don’t talk to their boys like that! Dads don’t give a s**t what their kid thinks. The guy doesn’t get upset that his kid doesn’t want him to go away for the weekend with his date – the guy tells his kid that he is going to go away for that weekend.

Then that ended up being in the movie, and Nora always said – ‘you wrote that’. And I would say, ‘no, I was just complaining in a rehearsal!’ And she said, ‘that’s what writing is: an idea that ends up making it’.

She had always given me these writing props, and anything we worked on together we always approached it from this perspective of writing. I was writing a piece for the New York Times about my makeup artist and I kept sending it to Nora for suggestions, and the one thing she kept saying to me was voice, voice, voice. It’s not enough to just tell a story, or to tell us what’s going on. You have to find your voice.

So it’s because of Nora that I’m sitting here right now.”

On living with your mistakes – and making plenty more

“I’m not a cynic, but I’m pessimistic about plenty of things. The best you can do is make 51% decent decisions. You’ll screw up 49% of the time, but if you can make it to 51%, you’re ok. I’m pessimistic 49% of the time, but I have faith 51% of the time, and that turns the tide just enough.

You learn from every mistake you make, so therefore – ram on!”

Uncommon Type by Tom Hanks, £8 from https://amzn.to/2CKmCzf

https://www.stylist.co.uk/people/tom-hanks-actor-book-uncommon-type-rita-wilson-family-life-lessons-father-son-daughter/170624?itm_campaign=related-articles-widget-single

Tony Robbins - Habits For Better Relationships - Tony Robbins Motivation

Three Writers on How to Cope with Heartbreak at Christmas

When everyone around you is happily indulging in all the festive season has to offer, how do you deal with your broken heart?

If you’re nursing a broken heart, your idea of a good time might be to curl up in your comfiest pyjamas, sink into the sofa and watch Brooklyn 99 on repeat.

But it’s Christmas. There is tinsel everywhere, festive music playing every time you turn the radio on, and your friends, colleagues and family expect you to be as cheery as Mariah Carey rolling about in the snow.

It’s fair to say that Christmas and a broken heart might not go hand in hand, but here, three writers share their advice for how to get through the season of unending cheer.

Jean Hannah Edelstein: “You can’t cancel Christmas for everyone”

It was mid-December some years ago when a man I’d invested too much hope in dropped me like Santa thunking coal into the stocking of a bad child. Christmas, as far as I was concerned, should have been cancelled. But of course the most wonderful time of the year had no regard for my feelings. Heartbreak is bad on any occasion, but heartbreak in the season of good cheer can feel extra brutal, when everyone else’s apparent good times feel like stark contrast to your own bad feelings.
You can’t cancel Christmas for everyone. But you can, I realised, kind of cancel Christmas for yourself. I decided to take an opt-in approach that year: to participate in the things that I liked (eating bread sauce, volunteering at a homeless shelter), to give myself the permission to skip the things I didn’t (the office Christmas party, dinner with distant relatives).

Did I feel guilty? A little. But my family found it forgivable: the truth is that the people who love you most can handle a festive season in which you’re not wholehearted. Don’t worry too much about them. The best gift you can give yourself when your heart is aching at Christmas is space to feel your feelings, no matter how un-Christmassy they are. The second best gift is the sigh of relief you’ll breathe on Boxing Day when you realize you’ve made it through.

Kate Davies: “Accept you’ll have a miserable Christmas”

There is no good time to be heartbroken, but being heartbroken at Christmas is particularly horrible, because all around you people are getting engaged, walking hand-in-hand through Christmas markets and generally pretending to be in a Nancy Myers’ film. If you can ignore all that, though, the festive season is actually a good time to feel terrible. You get time off work without using up your annual leave and it’s completely acceptable to wear pyjamas all day and eat chocolate for breakfast.

Stay well away from social media. You do not need to see selfies of people snogging under mistletoe when you’re feeling delicate. Turn your phone off and do something absorbing that distracts you from your thoughts, like baking mince pies or making paper chains. (All activities suitable for five-year-olds are also extremely good for heartbreak, like playing with Playdoh and reading Bramley Hedge books.)

Make plans for the new year, but don’t make resolutions that will make you feel like a failure if you don’t keep them. Give yourself things to look forward to, instead – a haircut, or a weekend away with the friends your ex didn’t like. Book a Eurostar ticket in the sale! Why not? You can be spontaneous now. You don’t have to answer to anyone. 2019 is a completely new year, fresh and unspoiled, like a new set of John Lewis bed sheets (something else you could buy in the sale). At least Christmas means that 2018 is nearly over, and I think we can all agree that’s something to celebrate.

Amelia Abraham: “Decide who you do and don’t want to meet under the mistletoe”

The best advice anyone ever gave me after a breakup was to make a ‘bang list’. Go to a pub with your best friend, order a large glass of wine, and divide a piece of A4 paper into three columns.

“Prestige pulls” is the column for minor celebrities you fancy, people that you’ve long lusted after but thought were totally out of your league.

“Could happen” is for all the people you’ve had a flirtatious vibe with during your now defunct relationship, and “Back Bench” is people you’ve slept with before and could potentially revisit in the dead space between Christmas and New Year.

In fact, think of this as like a list of New Year’s Resolutions, only for potential shags.

You don’t actually have to accomplish anything on the Bang List, it’s just an exercise in channelling your misery into optimism. But I’ve found that deciding who you do and don’t want to meet under the mistletoe early on can prevent some terrible mistakes…

https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/heartbreak-christmas-writers-books/243191

12 Expert Tips for Dating After a Divorce. BY DENISE SCHIPANI

Learn how to get back into the romance game after a major split.

 

Dating after divorce can be a minefield for the midlife woman. Perhaps even thornier than pondering what to wear on a date, where to go, who pays — not to mention how you even find people to date in this brave new world of Internet match-ups — is getting over your reluctance to take a stab at it. Why is it so hard?

"A divorced woman may feel very vulnerable at this stage, in part because she used to have a spouse to 'protect' her and now she has to go out into the world on her own," says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love. But it's also tough, she adds, because once you're on the dating scene you can feel like a teenager again, in that shaky, unconfident, not-sure-if-he'll-call sort of way.

So how can you make post-divorce dating — whether you're looking for a good time or a good (relationship-minded) man — less daunting? Read on for tips that will help you get back in Cupid's good graces.

1          FIGURE OUT IF YOU'RE READY.

Whether it's been one year or six since the divorce decree, you may never know with absolute clarity that you're ready for another relationship. Instead, "it's usually clear when you're not ready," says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist and author of Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce. That is, when the very idea turns you off. But once the idea of going on a date comes into your mind and you don't want to chase it out again, you're at least ready to start, she says. If it's truly awful, you can take a step back and wait some more.

2          FEEL THE FEAR — AND DO IT ANYWAY.

Contemplating the dating scene, many divorced women feel not just garden-variety nerves, but "actual terror," says Dr. Kirschner. Just remember that your fears are normal — after all, you're dealing with or have dealt with a major betrayal and upheaval — and that you don't have to jump all the way in. "Dip a toe in at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you're interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties."

3          AVOID NEGATIVE THINKING.

While it's not unheard of for a woman wounded by a painful divorce to make statements like "all men are jerks" or "all the good ones are taken," that's obviously not a good mindset to have going into dating, says Dr. Kirschner. "That kind of thinking can tank your mood — and cause you to limit your chances of getting out there and finding love." By forcing yourself to keep your negative thoughts in check, you'll soon be in the habit of thinking optimistically, which will in turn make you more ready to date again.

4          KNOW THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

A divorcée may also feel that there's something "wrong" with her since her marriage fell apart, says Dr. Kirschner. If that's the case, start training yourself now to recognize self-sabotaging thoughts, and when self-doubts start to pop up, "visualize a giant red stop sign, or a voice yelling, 'Stop!'" says Dr. Kirschner.

5          DETERMINE YOUR DATING INTENTION.

You've decided to start dating — isn't that your "intention" right there? Not completely, says Dr. Kirschner. "Sit down and craft a statement of what, exactly, you're after. Is it a partner in life? A short-term liaison that might lead to something? Just some fun for now? The idea is that you should consciously decide how you want to proceed," which will in turn inform how you go about meeting people.

6          RETHINK YOUR DEFINITION OF DATING.

 

Gadoua, who runs dating workshops for women, asks them to free-associate words that come to mind when they think of "dating." Not surprisingly, words like "awful" and "dreadful" come up. If you feel the same way, she offers this advice: "I suggest you try to reframe it as an adventure, or as an education," she says. "Dating can be a way to sharpen your social skills too." And, of course, a way to get out of the house and have some fun!

7          GET ONLINE.

Possibly, the last time you dated there wasn't even an Internet, much less Internet dating. But if you were thinking that searching for companionship online is strictly for losers or perverts, forget it — that's as outmoded as dial-up. "Online dating is not only mainstream, it's one of the best ways to widen your search, rather than just hoping that you'll meet someone in the coffee shop," says Dr. Kirschner. And these days, there's a site for everyone, from eHarmony and Match to niche sites like JDate. Check out our Guide to Online Dating to learn the basics including setting up a profile to taking a relationship offline.

8          DON'T DRAG OUT ONLINE CONTACT.

Once you "meet" someone online, Dr. Kirschner says it's easy to build up a fantasy of what he is like based on his profile and the emails you exchange. "My rule of thumb is to meet in person within two weeks of making online contact." Might as well find out as soon as you can if the chemistry is virtual — or real. Of course, when you do meet, take basic safety precautions. "Tell a friend where you'll be and when you expect to be home, and meet for coffee in a public place," suggests Dr. Kirschner.

9          REMEMBER THAT DATING IS A NUMBERS GAME.

"Four out of five men you go out with will disappear," says Dr. Kirschner bluntly. It's just the nature of the dating world. He may have seemed great, but loses interest, or is dating someone else, or has problems you will never know about. Don't take it personally, and instead try to remember that if you're meeting a lot of people, the number of bad apples will go up — but so will the odds that you'll meet a few good apples too.

10        DATE AROUND.

Dr. Kirschner recommends, to start by dating several guys at the same time. For a couple of reasons: First, you're not putting all your eggs — or hopes — into one basket. Second, you can compare what you like and don't like. Maybe one guy is very funny, but you enjoy another man's intellectual stimulation. "You can see what you might want in a relationship going forward," she says, even if it's not with any of these guys.

11        BUT BE HONEST.

While Dr. Kirschner fully supports seeing multiple people at one time when you first start dating, she does say there's one caveat: making sure everyone knows. "Just say, 'I'm enjoying dating you, but I want you to know that for now I'm also seeing others casually."

12        DON'T LET YOUR KIDS STOP YOU.

Hopefully it's obvious to you that if you have children at home, you shouldn't bring dates around unless it's somewhat serious. That said, don't let a fear of your children being upsetor disapproving stop you from getting out there if you feel ready to. "Too many women hide behind their kids as an excuse not to date," says Gadoua. Be up-front and respectful, but don't apologize for wanting to date. "Most children just want their parent to be happy, and may be less likely to object than you imagine," she says.

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/g2824/tips-for-dating-after-a-divorce/

The Case For 'No Shame' Divorce. By Jessica Richards

Divorce is painful, but the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process.

How relationships work is always evolving. Marriage has changed a lot since the 1970s but unfortunately, divorce laws in England and Wales have not caught up. 

While no one expects their marriage to end in divorce, it happens to around 100,000 couples each year (according to ONS). All go through a legal process that causes shame and anxiety, during one of the most stressful events life can throw at them. Our old-fashioned divorce laws are failing us and they need a reform.

For the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of divorce law based on the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. A divorcing couple are treated as two separate parties even if the split is by mutual agreement. One is the petitioner (requesting the divorce) and one is the respondent (acknowledging the request).

The petitioner has to give a reason why the marriage is over. There is a choice of five reasons: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, separation (two years) or separation (five years). These reasons come with complex conditions. For example, desertion only applies if one party has left the other for two years in the last 2.5. Gov.uk is the best place to find the full details. 

Many people who go through divorce simply want to move on with their lives. But to get a divorce before two years of separation has passed, the petitioner must prove that the respondent is to blame. The only two reasons they can give in this case are adultery or unreasonable behaviour. They must provide evidence of what their spouse did and how they felt about it. In over half of divorce cases, unreasonable behaviour is the reason given.

Tini Owens recently lost a case to divorce her husband on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. To get to this point, she had to share details of her personal life and describe how the situation made her feel “unloved, isolated and alone.” The judge then concluded that her unhappiness was not an acceptable justification to end the marriage. She is being forced to stay married, sentenced to more misery. Her autonomy is being denied. 

We’ve all seen behaviour in other people’s relationships that is either awful or no big deal to us. But who are we to judge? How can anyone judge how another should feel about behaviour they haven’t experienced? Even an actual judge.  

During my own divorce, I felt lost and hopeless for a while. Navigating the legal process was a barrier to healing and getting my life back on track. Supplying private details of my marriage for an unknown person to judge caused yet more heartache. It felt shaming. There were many abandoned attempts before I finally worked up the courage to face the process without the aid of expensive lawyers. Then months of limbo as I waited for the resolution and the permission to move forward. The confirmation I had suffered enough.

Why should the joy and happiness in a marriage be up to us to share or keep private, whilst the difficult times and ways we hurt each other have to be on the record if we divorce? It doesn’t make sense that even though we decide a marriage was over, that isn’t enough. It is as if by failing at the sacred institute of marriage, our decision making can no longer be trusted. An out-dated patriarchal perspective that has no place in modern life.

In 2017 Professor Liz Trinder of the University of Exeter published a comprehensive study of divorce law. Results showed the impact of what she calls our “often painful, and sometimes destructive, legal ritual”. Reasons given for divorces were often inaccurate because people were scared of them being rejected. Forcing couples to attribute blame increased the level of bitterness in many breakups. This often affected children by making it more difficult for financial and access arrangements to be agreed post-divorce.

Trinder said: “In the twenty-first century, the state cannot, and should not, seek to decide whether someone’s marriage has broken down.” Her report provided essential recommendations for reform which are under review. 

In conclusion, divorce is painful. But the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process. Allow for mutually agreed divorces without a minimum separation period. Treat people as adults who can choose to enter into divorce as they chose to enter into marriage. The no shame divorce is a 21st Century adult right.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-case-for-no-shame-divorce_uk_5b76a79de4b0ef9091f95ac1