Telling your children you are getting divorced

Telling your children you are getting divorced is one of the hardest aspects of separating. If you need some help to face this conversation, the following tips will get you on the right track.

Tell them what’s happening when something is changing

You might make the decision to separate long before you part and live in different houses. For young children, it’s best to wait and tell them you’re separating when the change is imminent. Older children might sense that something is wrong and ask questions. Only tell them you’re divorcing when you are sure you have reached that point. If you are there, and they ask, be honest. Show them you can handle the difficult conversation and listen to their concerns. Be sensitive to their timetable – try not to start difficult conversations directly before exams, birthdays or times when one of you will be away.

Do it together

If possible, do it with your ex-partner, and know in advance what you are both going to say. It’s often easiest to break the news at the weekend, ensuring that both of you are available for any questions your children might have. Present the news as a decision you both accept. The future co-parenting relationship will rely on a united front, so start as you mean to go on. Deal with any unresolved personal feelings in counselling, and not in front of the children. If you start talking about who’s decision it is, one of you will look weak, and the other will look like the decision maker. This is not a good long-term strategy for co-parenting.

The difference between sad and bad

It’s important that you frame the conversation in the right way. Don’t try and make it overly positive or present it as a great idea. Whatever relief you may be going through, your children are likely to see it differently at first. It’s OK to say that you are sad and it’s OK to cry (provided you stay in control). Blaming yourself and self-recrimination are not helpful. Try to help them accept that the end of marriage is a sad thing, not a bad thing. Divorce is a change and not the end of world. Go with their emotions; don’t try and change them. Feelings of sadness are expected, and its normal to feel sad after hearing this news.

Tell the truth

The truth doesn’t mean sharing everything. The ins and outs of your relationship wouldn’t normally be a topic of conversation so they shouldn’t suddenly become one just because you are separating. The truth is, you are getting divorced. One of you may have wanted it first but you have both come to agree that it’s the best way forward for your family. Don’t pretend you are trialling living apart or give children false hope of a reconciliation. Be honest if you don’t know the answers to their questions. Don’t promise unrealistic things just because you’re finding this a tough conversation.

Keep it short and simple

Stick to the facts and focus on the future. The children must process the news and this will take some time. You may need to repeat the conversation several times – particularly for small children. Try to preempt any questions you think they will ask – especially ‘Why?’ Have a short answer you both stick to and repeat it every time the why question is asked. Be very clear with children of all ages that this is not their fault. Nothing they have done or could have done would have changed anything – repeat this several times.

Tell all your children at the same time

This will ensure that everyone hears the same thing and no one feels excluded.  They may take comfort from each other. It’s fine to follow up with individual conversations with each child. This will help you answer specific concerns and help you give more age-appropriate reassurances.

Being emotional is OK

A lot of parents feel they need to ‘be the rock’ in this situation. It’s OK to be emotional when you tell your children – after all, it is sad news. If you are upset in front of the children this will indicate to them that it’s OK for them to be sad, that this release is natural and necessary. Being angry or bad-mouthing your ex-partner is harmful. If you feel like you might react like this, seek advice so you can prepare properly and avoid any harm.

Prepare yourself for a reaction

Your children may have a big reaction to the news or no reaction at all. Address how they are feeling and stay calm. They have heard what you’ve said and are trying to process it in their own way. Most reactions, however upsetting, are perfectly normal. If things don’t get better over time, this may indicate your child has got stuck in an emotional cycle of behaviour. Seek help if you’re worried – speak to a child counsellor or your GP.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/parenting-apart/telling-your-children-you-are-getting-divorced/?platform=hootsuite

LET GO of Anxiety, Fear & Worries: A GUIDED MEDITATION ➤ Harmony, Inner Peace & Emotional Healing

Why I Admire Gwyneth’s 'Give It A Go' Attitude To Her Second Marriage by Rachel Taylor

After the “conscious uncoupling” (i.e. separating) announcement a few years ago, we are probably quick to cringe at Gwyneth Paltrow’s choice of words. So, when last week she said she was going to “give [marriage] a go” again, maybe we rolled our eyes a bit and thought the words told us everything we needed to know about typical celebrity flippant-ness towards the union.

But I don’t think anyone approaches marriage without a big, heavy dose of seriousness. Starting with the tens of thousands invested in the wedding itself and followed by the hardly unambitious goal of living happily ever after, it couldn’t be much more loaded.

So, if like me, you know what it feels like to embark on a second marriage, you might think that “give it a go” instills a bit of refreshing lightness into proceedings - and that, in my view, is heartily helpful for anyone starting again.

Why?

First of all, “give it a go” means having the courage to try – and fail - again

Gwyneth has spoken about overcoming feelings of failure resulting from her divorce. Any marriage - celebrity or not - that doesn’t work out feels like very public failure. Most of us don’t have to endure having our marriage breakdown discussed online, but we still feel that everyone (from the school gate acquaintances to your parents’ friends and distant relatives) is talking about it and speculating on what went wrong.

And that’s all just amplified when you do it a second time. I remember a twice-divorced friend ruefully telling me to be “sure” when I embarked on No. 2, because “people forgive you your first divorce, but the second is definitely you”. Unfortunately those words, and knowing that many would brand me a failure, only made me resist for far too long the difficult truth that I had to leave my second husband.

Second, “give it a go” is realistic

While we may be older and wiser, sadly the odds of “not-first” marriages lasting are against us, with an estimated 67% of second and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce.

There are lots of reasons why. For a start, children (usually from a first marriage) create glue and a shared bond. One of the saddest things about a divorce is that you no longer have someone to share your limitless (and often pretty boring to others) interest in your children. This unconditional love (and the inevitable time and attention involved) is a complicated rift to navigate with a new partner because it is so hard for them not to feel excluded.

Another thing is that while an early marriage sees us growing up and moulding together, when we are older compromise is less easy. Prue Leith, for example, has spoken about how she favours living separately (usually not financially an option but one that many of us can see the attraction of) from her second husband so that she can live the way she wants to and doesn’t have to put up with his “clobber”.

Third, “give it a go” acknowledges that we don’t know what life will throw at us

I hope Gwyneth’s second shot at marriage goes well but if it doesn’t, it may well be little to do with “her” or “him” and be simply because difficult stuff happens in life. Disability is one of the things that makes divorce more likely. Redundancy (not likely, I know, to hit Gwyneth) can also increase the odds of divorce. These things are out of our control but put massive pressure on a relationship through absolutely no fault of our own.

Despite all this, I take inspiration from of friend of mine’s mother who, now in her mid-80s, finally found lasting happiness in her fourth marriage with a man she met on the internet ten years ago. If she hadn’t kept “giving it a go”, she would be alone and lonely. Instead, to the joy of her children, she is happier than she has ever been.

I haven’t given up on love and hope one day to be married again and if I do, I’ll be going into it with Gwyneth’s realistic words ringing joyfully in my ears. And that, I think, will be giving it the best chance of success.https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/why-i-admire-gwyneths-give-it-a-go-attitude-to-her-second-marriage_uk_5a5c9e2be4b003efadb6afa6?utm_hp_ref=uk-marriage

THE 5 STAGES AFTER A BREAKUP

Seven Long-Term Lessons From Parenting After Divorce by Toby Hazlewood

I divorced in 2006 at the age of 30, with two kids then aged 3 and 7. My overriding feelings were of fear and uncertainty, and as I considered my future, I could only contemplate the loss of things I’d previously taken for granted, most worryingly my role as a parent.

The divorce was amicable but there were still differences to resolve. Around 18 months after first parting we’d moved on sufficiently such that we could consider co-parenting (where each parent fulfils an equal or near-equal part of the parenting role). We discussed, then established an arrangement where our daughters would live with each of us on alternate weeks and move between our new homes on the Monday of each week. That was in 2007. The arrangement has evolved over time but remains in place today.

As our eldest heads off to university this September and with both my ex and I having since remarried other people, now seems an appropriate time for a bit of reflection. We’ve all grown significantly in our lives following divorce, we’ve learned a lot and enjoyed many highs and just as many lows as any family separated or otherwise would face.

Co-parenting is by no means the norm in divorced families but in our case we both remained committed to raising the girls and playing an active part in their childhood; our relationship as husband and wife was over but our parenting role will last for all time. Co-parenting presented a means of preserving this involvement in the kids’ lives, but also a good way of allowing each of us to move forwards individually too.

For the last year we’ve co-parented them from a single home in an arrangement known as ‘Nesting’; the kids live full-time in an apartment and their mum and I come and go for alternate weeks using a third bedroom equipped as a hotel room, living-in as resident parent of the week.

It’s unconventional but it seems to suit the girls well and both our new partners seem to accept it as part of delivering on our parenting commitments.

I wanted to share some of the lessons that I’ve learned in 10+ years since divorce. I hope that many of these will apply whether co-parenting is feasible after divorce or not, and at whatever stage a separated family is at, post-split.

1) Kids are extremely resilient and adaptable to change. Kids are remarkably hardy, and way more perceptive than we give them credit for. This isn’t a license to chop and change things whenever it suits you, nor should you underestimate the importance of structure and routine in their lives. Divorced parents are often fearful for the long-term effects on the confidence, contentedness and accomplishments of their kids. In my experience however, kids always adapt, bounce-back and even thrive in life provided that you keep their interests at the forefront of your mind.

2) You cannot make kids adapt any quicker than they naturally want to. They’re adaptable to change but it’s pointless to try and force them to adapt any quicker than they naturally will. Creating an amazing bedroom for them in your new home, taking them on exciting holidays or packing weekends with entertainment and treats won’t help them adapt to separated family life any quicker, although you may prompt resentment in your ex! Just like adults, kids take time to work through things and accept their new reality. Even though our co-parenting setup was infinitely better for all involved, it still took them time to settle into it. The same has been true as I’ve remarried and brought two step-siblings into their lives and their mum has remarried too. In each change in life after divorce, expect a period of adaptation that will take as long as it takes.

3) Being a single parent (even if you find a new partner at some stage) demands many additional roles of you. You must embrace this rather than just survive it. Even with regular and ongoing input from both me and their mum, I’ve been required to fill a fair share of the roles that mum would fill in a non-separated family. I doubt any dad feels instantly equipped to shop for tights, sanitary products or training bras, but I’ve learned and dealt with it. Such experiences have encouraged a closer relationship with more open communication between us than I might have enjoyed if not divorced. I’m grateful for that.

4) Always talk respectfully of your ex and don’t make your kids a go-between. In the aftermath of divorce when communications are strained, it can be tempting to pass messages via the kids. This simply isn’t fair, nor is it their role. As they get older, they become more aware of what it means for you to be talking disrespectfully of your ex. They may also relay things you say to the other parent if they think it will further their own agenda. At all times it’s far preferable to speak respectfully to and of the ex, if only for the benefit of your kids.

5) Your kids just want you to be happy. They will likely recognise that if you’re happy in yourself, it makes you a happy and effective parent to them. They love you and as they get older will likely encourage you to pursue your own happiness too, even if it results in the unconventional scenario where they’re offering you dating advice!

6) Protecting the sanctity of your separated family structure is key. If and when you enter into a new relationship, it’s essential that you protect your parenting arrangement from outside comment and influence. Too often I see established separated families crumbling when a new partner comes onto the scene and takes issue with the kids and/or the close contact that the divorced parents have with each other. A jealous new partner can disrupt your ongoing contact and damage the setup irrevocably which is not in anybody’s best interests (besides perhaps their own). It happened to me in a failed relationship between my marriages and I’m lucky there was no lasting damage in the relationship with my kids.

7) Just when you think you’ve got it all on an even keel, something else will change. Just like when a kid starts sleeping through, teething ends, and the terrible-twos become a distant memory, as one period of challenge ends, so a new one will begin. Teenage hormones will rage, manipulations and tantrums will become complex, calculated and sophisticated. Life moves forwards, you move on, your kids become their own people. Don’t resist it; embrace that fact. Things change!

PIXABAY.COM

As I reflect on life since divorce, I’m proud of how far we’ve come. My fears at the outset were seemingly unfounded and I believe my kids have come through it unharmed. They’re both well-adjusted, popular, confident, academically accomplished and balanced young women (and I realise I’m biased as their dad!)

Each time I think I’ve got it figured out, something else comes up to prove me wrong for getting complacent. This is a common thread of parenting though, whether after divorce or not.

We are all going through a process of change and evolution in life. It’s what makes us who we are, it prompts us to grow, develop and strive for the things we strive for.

As I remind myself often, the role of parenting and raising your kids never really ends anyway; divorced or not, we’re all in it for the long-haul!

Toby

You can access further tools, services, support and insight intended to help those currently managing the challenges of divorce and separation via Facebook.com/divorcedlifestyledesigner or divorcedlifestyledesign.comhttps://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/7-long-term-lessons-from-parenting-after-divorce_uk_5aa76b55e4b0e37f40418a56?utm_hp_ref=uk-children-of-divorce

7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact

8 Ways Dads Can Empower Their Daughters Post-Divorce

June 6, 2016 by Terry Gaspard 3 Comments

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‘Daughters of Divorce’ author Terry Gaspard reminds us how critical the father-daughter relationship is to a woman’s healthy emotional development.

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Since I began interviewing women for my book “Daughters of Divorce,” I’ve been struck with how many fathers and daughters yearn for a closer bond. Like many authors, my own experience has been a driving force in my interest about researching and writing about this topic.

In fact, the absence of my father in my daily life after my parents divorced caused a breach of trust between us. Although I didn’t attribute it at the time to the absence of my father, I did experience an intrinsic mistrust of men, and oddly enough a strong craving for their attention and approval at the same time.

For instance, there’s evidence that daughters who feel connected to their fathers experience more satisfaction with their bodies and ultimately higher feelings of self-worth.

Over the last several years, many dads have written to me asking for suggestions on how to raise a daughter with high self-esteem after their divorce. Without hesitation I inform them that the father-daughter relationship—either missing or absent—is the most common theme that I blog about. What I often share with fathers is that fostering their daughter’s self-esteem post-divorce is a top priority because girls are so vulnerable to cultural influences. For instance, there’s evidence that daughters who feel connected to their fathers experience more satisfaction with their bodies and ultimately higher feelings of self-worth.

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For the most part, a good relationship with an intimate partner is strongly tied to a woman’s relationship with her dad. A father’s presence (or lack of presence) in his daughter’s life will affect how she will relate to all men who come after him and can impact her view of herself and psychological well-being.

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My research for “Daughters of Divorce” spanned over five years and comprised over 300 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage concluded that lack of access to both parents and an inability to deal with conflict in a constructive manner were associated with low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes.

Further, a recent large scale study cited in a Huffington Post article, “Teen Depression in Girls Linked to Absent Fathers in Early Childhood,” sheds new light on the importance of the father-daughter bond. Findings from the Children of the 90’s study at the University of Bristol, showed that girls whose fathers were absent during the first five years of life were more likely to develop depressive symptoms in adolescence than girls whose fathers left when they were aged five to ten years. These girls also demonstrated more depressive symptoms when compared to adolescent boys whose fathers left in both age groups. More research is needed on this key topic to explore reasons for these outcomes.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce? Dr. Linda Nielsen found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting after divorce.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce? In a divorced family, there are many ways a father-daughter bond may suffer. Based on her research, Dr. Linda Nielsen found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting after divorce. Neilson posits that while most daughters are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl can grow into adulthood with low-self-esteem and trust issues.

What a girl needs is a loving, predictable father figure—whether married to her mother, single, or divorced. Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., a recognized expert on parenting, explains that one of the predictors of a father’s relationship with his children after divorce is the mother’s facilitation or obstruction of the relationship.

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In his book When Parents Hurt, Dr. Coleman writes, “Mothers who feel wronged in the marriage or divorce, who believe that mothers are more important than fathers, or who have psychological problems may directly or indirectly interfere with the father’s desire to have an ongoing relationship with his children.” Moms can do a lot to support their daughter’s close relationship with their dads by avoiding bad-mouthing them and encouraging regular, ongoing communication and in-person contact.

8 Ways Dads Can Foster Their Daughter’s High Self-Esteem:

1. Encourage her to be assertive—such as voicing her opinion even when it’s not popular to do so.
2. Create a safe atmosphere for her to express herself—be sure to listen and validate her feelings.
3. Direct your praise away from her body and appearance—and comment on her talents and strengths. Saying things such as “You are making such healthy choices” or “Good for you for going for a walk” with encourage her to be active and healthy.
4. Don’t bad mouth your ex as this promotes loyalty conflicts and may make it more difficult for her to heal from the losses associated with divorce. Don’t let your cynicism or anger get in the way of your daughter’s future. Don’t pass on your negative views of relationships on to her.
5. Protect her from cultural influences that encourage her to be overly competitivewith other girls or young women. Point out what she has to offer the world and help her shine.
6. Encouraging her to develop interests, practicing her talents, and recognizing her efforts and strengths will boost your daughter’s confidence in the years to come.
7. Spend time doing things she enjoys with her. Encourage her to find healthy outlets such as exercise, joining a club at her school, or participating in a community activity.
8. Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible about “Parenting Time”—especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.

Studies show that patterns of parenting after divorce that lessen conflict, encourage open communication, and promote shared parenting are beneficial for daughters into emerging adulthood. In my recent Huffington Post article, “The Forever Dad: Scattering the Myth of the Self-Centered Dad,” I write “Fostering alienation between a child and his or her dad is one of the cruelest and most selfish acts that a parent can do to his or her own child.”

Since many daughters perceive limited contact with their fathers as a personal rejection, this can lead to lowered self-esteem and trouble trusting romantic partners during adolescence and adulthood. Psychologist Kevin Leman posits that fathers are the key to their daughter’s future. A child development expert, he writes, “That evidence shows that a father’s relationship with his daughter is one of the key determinants in a woman’s ability to enjoy a successful life and marriage.”

Photo—Rolands Lakis/Flickr

Follow Terry on movingpastdivorce.com and order her book “Daughters of Divorce.” In it you’ll find chapter three: Longing for Dear Old Dad: Overcome Your Broken (or missing) Relationship with your Father.

How to get self-esteem back, by Mastin Kipp

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again BY LUCAS MCCORD

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again

JULY 05, 2018

BY LUCAS MCCORDhttps://divorcedmoms.com/10-ways-to-get-over-your-divorce-and-become-whole-again/

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If you don’t get over your divorce you carry the same issues from your marriage into any post-divorce relationships.

I spoke with a Coaching client last week who is working her way through her third divorce. We were on the phone for an hour and she spent forty-five minutes talking about problems she had experienced in her first marriage. Problems which happen to be the same problems she is experiencing in her third marriage. If you don’t get over your divorce, guess what, you’ll find yourself like this woman…carrying the same problems into every relationship you have post-divorce.

She will soon have three ex-husbands that she still ruminates over, blames for her inability to have a successful marriage and spends an excessive amount of time talking about with anyone who will listen.

Why is her head still stuck in her three failed marriages? Because she didn’t do the work she needed to do after her first divorce before jumping into her second and third marriage. She believes that love and marriage will solve her problems when all she is doing is taking those problems into each of her subsequent marriages.

My client didn’t get over her first divorce which only led to more divorces. To keep you from making the same mistake, I encourage you to do the work needed to get over your divorce before jumping back into another relationship and marriage.

Everyone who ends a marriage will grieve the emotional investment they had in that marriage. They will grieve the loss of plans, hopes, and dreams they had with their spouse and for their future. Some experience that grieving process before the divorce, some are left to deal with the grieving after the marriage is over.

Wherever one finds themselves in the grieving process, it’s important to move through it in order to move forward with life and become whole, emotionally, financially, mentally and spiritually.

How does one get over a divorce in a healthy manner? See below:

10 Ways to Get Over Your Divorce and Become Whole Again

1. Controlled Communication

It’s probably best to avoid communication with an ex, if possible. If you have children, that won’t be possible so, when communicating focus on keeping the communication emotionally safe. If you must discuss child-related issues, stick to talking only about child-related issues. If you didn’t want the divorce and are hoping for a reconciliation, it’s important for your own emotional wellbeing to keep any communication strictly business.

2. Let Go of Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

It’s normal after a divorce to wander off into “woulda coulda shoulda” type thinking. Thinking about whether the marriage could have been saved only keeps you stuck and unable to move forward with your life. Indulging in “what ifs” and thinking about how things could’ve been will not help you cope with the reality of your divorce. Thinking about things that could have happened but never will happen is a waste of time and emotional energy. That kind of thinking promotes longings for something you can’t have, regret over something that is over and done with and more emotional pain that you don’t need.

3. Behave Yourself!

Sometimes divorce can make us behave in ways we normally wouldn’t and that can get nasty, quite quickly. Don’t badmouth your ex, don’t call them over the phone and express your anger, don’t use the children to punish your ex, don’t play mind games with child support and visitation. Anger is a difficult emotion for anyone to deal with and unfortunately, it’s a common emotion experienced after a divorce.

Fight the urge to misbehave. Screaming and shouting rarely makes an ex want to have a civil relationship with you. Name calling and finger pointing will make you look immature and irrational. If you need to scream and shout, do it alone or in the company of a close friend who you can trust to keep it to themselves. And, if you can’t get a handle on your anger, get into therapy so it can be worked through.

Have some pride and hold yourself to standards that would never allow you to let anger get the best of you.

4. Stay Away from People Who Don’t Promote Healing and Moving On

Surround yourself with people who are positive and willing to call you out on thinking and behaviors that hold you back from getting over your divorce. Steer clear of negative people who enjoy stirring the pot and encouraging your negative feelings. It’s natural to want to vent to those who will cheer you on and support your point of view BUT even though they feel they are giving you what you need, they are actually keeping you from focusing your energy elsewhere and in a more positive manner.

Spend time with friends and family that offer support and positivity, warmth and comfort. Those who will help you feel good about yourself, where you are in life and guide you in a direction that promotes growth and not stagnation.

5. Talk About Something Other than Your Divorce

Vent if you feel the need but know when enough is enough. Constant talking and thinking about your divorce saturates your mind and before long there will be room for nothing but negative thinking in your head. That can lead to feelings of depression and being overly emotional.

When it comes to getting over a divorce, your head and what goes through your head is your greatest tool. If you drown your brain with constant negative thoughts about your divorce, you’ll find yourself going down for the third time and unable to recover and move on.

Give yourself a certain amount of time daily to talk and think about your divorce. The rest of the day distract yourself with positive thoughts and activities. It’s making room for the good stuff in your head that will encourage healing after a divorce.

6. Don’t Drink Away Your Grief

Alcohol numbs, it doesn’t heal. Drinking to numb the pain of a divorce can have serious effects on your mood, your behavior, and your overall wellbeing. Drinking is an easy way to avoid the pain you’re in but, it will only extend the grieving process and stall the moving on process.

7. Evict Thoughts of Your Ex from Your Head

You had a daily relationship with your ex. Even if you wanted the divorce it can take time to stop thinking about your ex. Wondering how they are and what they are doing will be normal thoughts that go through your head. If you didn’t want the divorce such thoughts may become obsessive for you. You’ve been forced to let go of a relationship you wanted to hold onto, it’s only natural that part of your grieving process will be focusing on your ex’s whereabouts, who they are with, how they are spending their time.

It’s important that you remain aware that an obsessive need to keep up with your ex will lead you into harmful and painful territory. Letting go of a relationship you’d rather be nurturing is one of the hardest things any of us is called upon to do. If you’re going to get over your loss and move forward in a positive manner with your life, you need to let go of the need to keep tabs on and constantly think about your ex.

8. Allow Yourself to Feel

Divorce brings with it difficult emotions. You will feel sadness, anger, confusion, fear, anxiety and many other negative emotions attached to divorce. It’s natural to want those emotions to go away and for you to do whatever you feel will soothe them.

It’s important to feel and work through these negative emotions. The biggest mistake you can make is to bury negative emotions or put a band-aid over them. Divorce puts us all in a vulnerable position emotionally. Don’t fear that vulnerability, embrace it and work through it by expressing your feelings in a healthy manner. Talk to a friend, family member or therapist about how you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, acknowledge them and in time they will fade.

9. Stay Away from Places That Were Special to You Two

To get over your divorce you want to avoid anything that will cause added pain. Visiting a restaurant that you two spent your first anniversary will bring up memories that can be painful. Seeing a movie at the same theater you two frequented may cause discomfort due to reminders of your ex. Consider places you two shared time together off limits until you can go there and it no longer hurts.

10. Focus on You!

Last but most important, focus on you, your immediate needs and your future. No one moves forward if their head and heart are stuck in the past. No one benefits personally if they don’t focus on their emotional and physical needs first.

Be sure you are eating and exercising properly. Daily, take the time to set goals for yourself. Goals that focus on what you want and need out of life going forward. Take the needed steps to meet those goals. Life doesn’t end with a divorce. In twenty years, you don’t want to look back and think to yourself, “I wasted years of my life when I didn’t accept and get over that divorce.”

Smile daily, work at personal growth and learning new relationship skills. Get rid of reminders of your ex in your home that evoke negative memories, treat yourself with patience and kindness. And, move forward rebuilding a life that promotes pride and contentment.

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash