The Stages of Divorce Grief. By J. Hope Suis

Divorce Grief Can Often Feel Like Death  

For many of you, divorce and divorce grief feels like a death. In reality, it was the death of your fairy tale. We know the statistics going in, but we all think we are the exception, our love is real, strong enough, the forever kind. The majority of us believe we will beat the odds. To realize one day that we lost at the table of love is devastating and it affects our brains much like a physical death does. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the Five Stages of Grief as it relates to death. I would like to suggest we experience similar responses when we are first faced with the reality of a divorce.

Denial: Part of Divorce Grief 

We come up with a myriad of reasons to explain why our partner just dropped the D word on us. This cannot be happening to me. Denial is our mind’s way of gradually getting used to the pain. Much like slowly wading into the cold ocean waters, we tiptoe around slowly and tense up as the crashing waves of disbelief wash over us. Denial often shields us from guilt as well. The contributions we have made leading to this outcome may be hard to accept. It is ok to need and request some time to process. It is a life-altering decision, but unfortunately one you must face along with the divorce grief.

Anger: Another Step in Divorce Grief 

If denial is the first sense of loss and helplessness, floating aimlessly in sadness, then anger is the anchor that starts the healing process. We become furious that they would reject our love and commitment to become callous, selfish and dreadful. Anger gives us focus for the tasks ahead. We should not make lasting decisions in the throes of this anger, but it does move us away from despair and points us to the details we need to protect ourselves, our finances and our future. Anger is the catalyst for self-preservation, do not let it turn into bitterness, harness it as an energy resource for challenging days ahead.

There is a fine line between compromise and concession. In a marriage, a basic staple ingredient is effective compromise. If one or both partners fail to recognize and execute this, the partnership will erode quickly. If your spouse has asked you time and again to help with a chore, be more respectful, show more affection, whatever the complaint, and you have dodged and refused for years, it is now too late to show up with a mop, roses or dressed in lingerie, pleading for another chance. You cannot force someone to love or stay with you. You can learn from the experience but never resort to emotional manipulation. It will backfire and still have the same end result.

Depression and Divorce Grief

Depression is the hardest stage to conquer. We hide under the covers, lay in the dark, won’t get out of bed and if we do, it’s to go to the freezer and pull out ice cream to eat directly from the carton. Some people watch sappy love movies, some people call their mother, best friend or the Pizza Hut delivery person. Others lose themselves in work or working out and a few hit the road or hit the bottle. We all react to depression differently, but we all agree on one thing: it hurts.

There is very little we can do except wait it out. If you did not want a divorce, when the reality starts to settle in, the sadness will come. Possibly you will relive the good moments, the fun adventures, the great sex and the thought that the ride is ending makes it hard to breathe. Even if you wanted the divorce, or believed it was the best route to take, there will still be a feeling of regret, wasted time, and loss. Every single one of these emotions and reactions is normal and understandable. I cannot tell you the right way for you to process your pain. I can point out some wrong ways.

Do not retreat away from the rest of the world; at least not for more than a day or two. There is no salvation to be found in your La-Z-Boy. Do not begin a smear campaign against your ex. Do not abuse alcohol or any type of drug, prescription or otherwise. Numbing the pain seems like a good idea, but it isn’t because it will still be waiting when you resurface into consciousness.

What does work? Find someone to talk to, a minister, people who love you, or even a therapist. I will not promise the pain will ever completely dissipate, but I will promise that you will feel better, peaceful, and even joyful again. The motivation will drive you past the depression and down the road to your new future.

Acceptance, Moving through Divorce Grief

We’ve denied it, railed against it, tried to negotiate out of it and cried about it. Enough is enough, you are divorced and you will be ok, accept it. This is the last stage of grief and the first step in the right direction. There are still decisions to be made and obstacles to encounter, but with a clear mind and determination, those will be handled as they arise.

After acceptance of divorce and your divorce grief comes the healing process, there is no pre-designated time for this to take place. Everyone has to heal at their own pace. Do not let friends or family, however well-intentioned, attempt to rush you through. They want to see you happy but understand it looks different for everyone. However, it does take work and responsibility on your part to achieve.

In reality, there are many more than five steps. This is a one-step-in-front-of-the-other process that will have many hills and valleys.The death of a marriage is truly a sad thing, but it does not define your journey. The goal is to make good decisions, keep a cool head and never close off your heart.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/stages-divorce-grief/

What are the Seven Stages of Divorce Recovery? By Allison Pescosolido, M.A

While divorce is unpredictable, understanding the general phases of divorce will give you a sense of what you can expect.

There are many ups and downs with divorce along with push and pull. It can feel like you are all over the place both emotionally and mentally. While divorce is unpredictable, it can help to understand the general phases of divorce to give you a sense of what you can expect. The seven phases in divorce recovery are not always linear, but you can expect to pass through most of them during the divorce transition.

Divorce Recovery Phase One: The Trauma

No matter how it begins – with an affair, a phone call, a pile of divorce papers left on the table or a mysterious text – divorce can have a traumatic affect. While the majority of divorce circumstances are not life threatening, the ending of a marriage can be excruciating. The sooner you admit that the initial divorce event is traumatic, the better off you’ll be – but not everyone can do this right away. Which brings us to Stage Two.

Divorce Recovery Phase Two: Shock and Denial

Few individuals are prepared for the shock of divorce. Many people try to cover up their initial shock by staying busy, refusing to cry, and carrying on “like normal.” This ultimately takes the shape of denial, an adaptive response to the painful reality, but unsustainable. If you begin neglecting self care, feeling stressed almost constantly without cause, and eating more or less than usual, you may be in shock or denial. This is, in fact, normal—you’re beginning the grieving process. But keep in mind that this won’t last.

Divorce Recovery Phase Three: Anger

Suddenly, you don’t feel “fine” anymore – you’re mad as hell. You begin to look for someone to blame for your trauma – and with the divorce, the most obvious object is the Ex (though not always). You begin thinking obsessively about the object of your anger. If it’s a person, you might find you’re stalking their Facebook profile, calling or texting them incessantly, or finding other ways to engage them. Some anger is normal, but if you find yourself unable to get over your anger, seek professional help. Otherwise, your outbursts may continue to trigger the pain of the original trauma, and you’ll be stuck cycling through the first three phases.

Divorce Recovery Phase Four: Sadness

Sadness is healthy and normal, as it marks the beginning of acceptance and moving on. Here, you can admit feelings of loss, without placing blame. During this time, you wish to grieve in the company of friends or a professional, or prefer to be alone. Whatever you do, allow yourself time to move through this phase without responding to inner or outer pressure to “just buck up.” However, keep watch for signs of lingering depression.

Divorce Recovery Phase Five: Acceptance

Here, you will begin to feel that “everything is going to be okay.” You no longer feel the need to pretend that you’re not hurt, but nor do you fantasize about destroying your Ex’s life, or stay in every weekend night. You are ready to begin rebuilding your life – as an individual with new and even exciting choices.

Divorce Recovery Phase Six: Accountability

To build a new future, you must take responsibility for your past. You begin to realize that you could have listened more, or criticized less. As you begin to contemplate dating, or even falling in love again, you will find yourself re-examining the past – and yourself – in a new light, and eagerly looking for ways to do it better next time.

Divorce Recovery Phase Seven: Self-Discovery and Enlightenment

After divorce, everyone has the potential to understand themselves as never before – what makes them happy, angry, and sad. A reserve of untapped potential and wisdom often lies trapped behind the tension of your past relationships. Here, you may experiment with new styles of expression, from opening up more to your partner to taking up traveling or painting. If there’s any reason to push through anger and sadness, it’s to find this gold at the end of the rainbow.

And again, if you find yourself stuck along the way, get a Divorce Detox™. There’s no shame in it. After all, you’ve been through a trauma. And no one should have to suffer a trauma alone.

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Allison Pescosolido, M.A., is a divorce recovery specialist with advanced degrees in Psychology and certified Grief Recovery Specialist. She located in Santa Monica, California and provides programs to individuals who are facing the challenges that come with separation and divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/what-are-the-seven-stages-of-divorce-recovery/