Three Writers on How to Cope with Heartbreak at Christmas

When everyone around you is happily indulging in all the festive season has to offer, how do you deal with your broken heart?

If you’re nursing a broken heart, your idea of a good time might be to curl up in your comfiest pyjamas, sink into the sofa and watch Brooklyn 99 on repeat.

But it’s Christmas. There is tinsel everywhere, festive music playing every time you turn the radio on, and your friends, colleagues and family expect you to be as cheery as Mariah Carey rolling about in the snow.

It’s fair to say that Christmas and a broken heart might not go hand in hand, but here, three writers share their advice for how to get through the season of unending cheer.

Jean Hannah Edelstein: “You can’t cancel Christmas for everyone”

It was mid-December some years ago when a man I’d invested too much hope in dropped me like Santa thunking coal into the stocking of a bad child. Christmas, as far as I was concerned, should have been cancelled. But of course the most wonderful time of the year had no regard for my feelings. Heartbreak is bad on any occasion, but heartbreak in the season of good cheer can feel extra brutal, when everyone else’s apparent good times feel like stark contrast to your own bad feelings.
You can’t cancel Christmas for everyone. But you can, I realised, kind of cancel Christmas for yourself. I decided to take an opt-in approach that year: to participate in the things that I liked (eating bread sauce, volunteering at a homeless shelter), to give myself the permission to skip the things I didn’t (the office Christmas party, dinner with distant relatives).

Did I feel guilty? A little. But my family found it forgivable: the truth is that the people who love you most can handle a festive season in which you’re not wholehearted. Don’t worry too much about them. The best gift you can give yourself when your heart is aching at Christmas is space to feel your feelings, no matter how un-Christmassy they are. The second best gift is the sigh of relief you’ll breathe on Boxing Day when you realize you’ve made it through.

Kate Davies: “Accept you’ll have a miserable Christmas”

There is no good time to be heartbroken, but being heartbroken at Christmas is particularly horrible, because all around you people are getting engaged, walking hand-in-hand through Christmas markets and generally pretending to be in a Nancy Myers’ film. If you can ignore all that, though, the festive season is actually a good time to feel terrible. You get time off work without using up your annual leave and it’s completely acceptable to wear pyjamas all day and eat chocolate for breakfast.

Stay well away from social media. You do not need to see selfies of people snogging under mistletoe when you’re feeling delicate. Turn your phone off and do something absorbing that distracts you from your thoughts, like baking mince pies or making paper chains. (All activities suitable for five-year-olds are also extremely good for heartbreak, like playing with Playdoh and reading Bramley Hedge books.)

Make plans for the new year, but don’t make resolutions that will make you feel like a failure if you don’t keep them. Give yourself things to look forward to, instead – a haircut, or a weekend away with the friends your ex didn’t like. Book a Eurostar ticket in the sale! Why not? You can be spontaneous now. You don’t have to answer to anyone. 2019 is a completely new year, fresh and unspoiled, like a new set of John Lewis bed sheets (something else you could buy in the sale). At least Christmas means that 2018 is nearly over, and I think we can all agree that’s something to celebrate.

Amelia Abraham: “Decide who you do and don’t want to meet under the mistletoe”

The best advice anyone ever gave me after a breakup was to make a ‘bang list’. Go to a pub with your best friend, order a large glass of wine, and divide a piece of A4 paper into three columns.

“Prestige pulls” is the column for minor celebrities you fancy, people that you’ve long lusted after but thought were totally out of your league.

“Could happen” is for all the people you’ve had a flirtatious vibe with during your now defunct relationship, and “Back Bench” is people you’ve slept with before and could potentially revisit in the dead space between Christmas and New Year.

In fact, think of this as like a list of New Year’s Resolutions, only for potential shags.

You don’t actually have to accomplish anything on the Bang List, it’s just an exercise in channelling your misery into optimism. But I’ve found that deciding who you do and don’t want to meet under the mistletoe early on can prevent some terrible mistakes…

https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/heartbreak-christmas-writers-books/243191

16 Tips For Dealing With Heartbreak, As Told By Reddit 'Don’t look them up on social media.' By Natasha Hinde

Heartbreak is the worst. You sit around, you cry a lot and your appetite either disappears off the face of the Earth or arrives in full force making you crave allthe sweet things (hello ice cream, my old friend). 

Unfortunately, there’s no foolproof method for dealing with a broken heart. However there are some things you can do to make life a little bit brighter.

Here, Redditors share their tips for surviving a breakup... 

1. “Invest in you, think of a skill you always wished you could have but never seemed possible.”

- moosecakems

2. “Allow yourself to be sad for a while - try not to fight how you feel. Take a good amount of time to be single and feel good as just yourself again. You will feel good again! ‘This too shall pass’ as they say.”

- HeartOfTheForest

3. “Zero contact. Don’t look them up on social media at all, no matter how tempting.”

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA

4. “Step 1. Buy dog. Step 2. Buy more dogs. Step 3. Leave for an hour, come home and enjoy all the kisses.”

- Macgill7

5. “Time, complemented with alcohol, friends and the gym. It’s a combination that’s yet to fail for me.”

- BronusSwagner

6. “Picking up a couple of new hobbies helps distract your mind and gives you a goal that you can aim for, so even if you think things aren’t going well, you can take a step back and see you’re still succeeding at something.

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA

7. “Appreciate it. You’ll only feel that bad a few times in your life, if you’re lucky. It’s one milepost on the continuum of emotions experienced by human beings.”

- LiterallyOuttoLunch

8. “If you have pets, spend some time with them. Watch them follow you around the house, beg for your attention, and other pet stuff. Realise that you’re still very lovable to these intelligent and sweet creatures even though that person didn’t feel the same way. If you don’t have pets, use friends or family. If none of that works, then do a self-love day. Anything to remind yourself that there will be someone else because you’re capable of love/like/contentment.”

- faller675

9. “Just keep yourself busy, don’t sit around and think about it.”

- HawhyE

10. “Random sex and plenty of alcohol.”

- EatingSexually

11. “Ask yourself: Do you really want to be with a person who doesn’t want to be with you?”

- supataranta

12. “Try to focus on yourself and doing things to make each day happy rather than doing things purely in an attempt to show your ex that you’re happy. Big distinction to be made there.”

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA 

13. “Try to see it as a learning experience. I don’t know what happened, but neither of us can change the past so learn from it.”

- Zombysushi

14. “Exercise. it’s a solid antidepressant and once it starts to click that you’re doing something good for yourself, it’ll start to feel better and better.”

- PoopDog77

15. “Control what you can about your environment so you are less likely to wallow or increase your sadness. Change the song, even if it reminds you of happy times or if the lyrics perfectly fit. Drive a new way to work so you don’t pass their mom’s house. Watch conspiracy theory documentaries instead of a romantic comedy.”

- notreallyamango

16. “Listen to 808s and Heartbreak. It fixes everything.”

- PaolaWarbler

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/tips-for-dealing-with-heartbreak-according-to-reddit_uk_591c24cee4b0ed14cddacd7f?utm_hp_ref=uk-break-ups

He Hurt You? 5 Simple Steps to Open Your Heart to Love Again... (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)

How being heartbroken was the best thing to ever happen to me: Emma Gibbs at TEDxSouthBankWomen

How to break up and move on

What am I up against?

It’s hard to let go of a relationship after investing so much of yourself into it. Very often you still feel connected to them, and it can even feel a bit like they are still a part of you in some way. So seeing your ex with someone else can sometimes feel incredibly painful.

How do I deal with it?

If they ended it

If you’re still emotionally attached when the relationship ends, you may find it hard to feel a sense of closure. This can make it really difficult to form new, quality relationships (Wilson, 2008). Understanding why the relationship ended and why it didn’t work out can help you let go of lingering feelings.

In the first instance, try asking your ex why they ended it. Allow them to speak and resist the temptation to defend yourself. Keep it light and explain from the outset that all you want from the conversation is closure. Ex-partners may feel that you want to meet as part of a ploy to reignite the relationship, so set it squarely and maybe ask to meet in a public place like a coffee shop to make your intentions clear.

Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship

One way to let go of an emotional attachment to an ex-partner is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help with reducing the attachment to previous partners.

Timing is quite crucial here; moving on before you gain closure could mean that your emotions are out of kilter. Sometimes after a relationship, you need a little time to rediscover your own identity.  If you aren’t yet happy in yourself, you may struggle to form a new partnership. However, if the time is right for you, considering potential romantic opportunities might be what you need to move on. One Canadian study found that “focussing on specific new relationship options can decrease attachment to an ex-partner for anxiously attached individuals” (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009).

Take a break from online social networks

Before you can cope with the idea of your partner with someone else, you’re probably going to need a bit of time. If you can avoid seeing them in the meantime, then that’s going to serve you well. However, if your Facebook page and other social networks are going to keep shoving it in your face, then the temptation to scroll through your ex’s photos might prove too great. It may be worth blocking them for a while, or even taking a break from social networks for a few weeks. You can always reactivate your account once you feel ready.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/how-to-break-up-and-move-on/

Cameron Diaz on cheating partners - The Graham Norton Show: Series 15 Episode 1 Preview - BBC One

Fidelity Series: The Sting of Emotional & Physical Cheating. By Alex Nunez

My Experience with Cheating

Awkward Texts

I stayed over at my long-term boyfriend Mark’s place to watch a movie with him. Suddenly, a text message appeared on his laptop screen while we were watching our film. “How’s your night going?”, said someone texting him from an unknown number. “It’s just a friend who works at the bar with me,” Mark tells me.

Mark had fallen asleep before the movie had ended. My curiosity had gotten the better of me, and I made my way onto that laptop and began checking his text conversations (yes Psych2Go readers, I’m aware this is a no-no). To my horror – though unfortunately not to my surprise – I found hookup text after hookup text after hookup text. Nude selfies of Mark that had never been sent to me littered the screen. “What are you into? Have any other pics?” “Hey, I have condoms.” “I’m here now.”

Heartbreak

I was infuriated. He was still asleep, should I punch him square in the face? Choke him to death? Leak his business onto social media? Before I had the chance to let my anger bubble completely to the surface, I found something else that broke my heart into pieces.

Mark’s friend Adam was, in fact, a co-worker. But he was no friend. He was a lover. I read romantic text after romantic text… “I had a great time with you tonight. I’ll remember that kiss forever.” My blind rage melted into piercing emotional pain. I left the evidence on Mark’s computer screen and I drove home without waking him up.

Physical Cheating

There’s no denying it, sexual – or physical – cheating is a hard pill to swallow for anyone. Breaking the commitment to a monogamous partner by having sex with someone else can change the social dynamic of your relationship – see THISarticle on the signs of cheating – for the worse. The worst of all? If you’re caught, it’s extremely difficult to regain your partner’s trust.

There are a number of reasons that could lead a partner to be sexually unfaithful. These may include:

• Sexual dissatisfaction in your relationship
  • Many people who are not satisfied by sex with their partner enter sexual affairs, hoping to gain better experiences.
• A desire to have more diverse sexual experiences
  • Some people wish to explore their sexuality outside of a monogamous relationship but wish to continue the one they’re already in. Others may have sexual preferences or fantasies they feel embarrassed to discuss with their partner and seek other people to help fulfill these wants.
• Seeking revenge for a partner’s wrongdoing or as a means to end the relationship
  • Rather than talk through their issues or end the relationship altogether, some people seek out new sexual partners to gain a response from their partners.

Each of these reasons stems from a lack of communication between partners in terms of what the cheater needs from the relationship. Some victims of cheating may not attractive enough for their partners. But it’s easier for many of us to put the entire fault on the cheater, who should have just been more upfront with us or perhaps could have even had a sexual addiction.

Either way, physical cheating is no easy thing to get over. But could getting over an emotional affair be worse?

Emotional Cheating

Who does it?

Emotional affairs occur when two people find and feed into a socio-romantic connection with each other. Those in emotional affairs commit date-type conduct that would only be appropriate between the perpetrator and their original partner. These things include:

• Making calls and texts to someone that you instinctively feel the need to hide
• Spending time alone with someone and never inviting your significant other to come along
• Confiding in another person to tell stories to and keep secrets with and not your partner
• Taking more time to and energy to focus on bonding with someone else and not your partner
• Giving romantic gestures like dinner dates and sentimental gifts to someone other than your partner

Why?

Yes, budding affairs can happen. A recent Washington Post article recounts the story of Jacklyn Collier, who had to take a step back from a relationship she was cultivating with a Facebook friend after realizing it was becoming a little less than appropriate. Sometimes, people have to realize there are sparks of an emotional affair at all before they decide they need to build some platonic boundaries.

There are, however, other intentions behind why people run off to find other lovers.

These include:

• Unhealthy attachment styles
  • While most of us have Secure attachment styles – meaning we are willing to give and receive intimacy and vulnerability – there are some people who have attachment styles that are not conducive to a healthy relationship.
  • Those with Anxious attachments love intimacy but worry constantly about abandonment. This paranoia can be exhausting, causing these people to drive their partners away.
  • Those with Avoidant attachments often show fear of true intimacy or commitment and may take great lengths to stop a relationship before it gets too serious.

The Cheated

Both forms of cheating can make anyone feel awful. They can make us feel worse when physical and emotional cheating happens together… and paired cheating is more common as a relationship ender than either form alone. But compared to physical cheating, why is emotional cheating such a dagger to the back?

• Emotional cheating involves romantic feelings
  • Unlike the one-and-done feeling of a hookup, emotional affairs can cause deep emotional pain because they often mean that your partner preferred the company and personality of someone else over you. It’s a painful thought to feel so inadequate as a significant other that the love of your life has gone off to find a better option.
• Your partner could blame you for their betrayal
  • Emotional cheating allows for your partner to use your faults as an excuse for their search for someone else. Perhaps they told you that your humor was too dry and they felt picked on by you, or maybe you were just too “clingy”. Maybe they’ve told you that you were holding them back from meeting their new, “true” love.
• It probably happened for longer than a sex affair
  • It’s possible for sexual affairs to be mistakes. Poorly thought out, irresponsible and selfish mistakes, but mistakes. Emotional affairs are more likely to play out for weeks, months or even years at a time. Once you’ve found out and put all the pieces together, you’ll be left wondering if your partner ever even loved you at all.
• It can take longer to get over an emotional cheater
  • Because of the purposeful nature of emotional cheating, you might feel inclined to never trust the word of any new potential dates for a while. The shock and post-trauma of an emotional betrayal can lead an individual to trust and intimacy issues.

They Cheated. So What Now?

Have no fear, dear reader. Love doesn’t have to die for you yet.

• Cry

  • Yes, feel bad! Feel sad! Feel angry! Give yourself time to process your emotions and mourn the loss of your relationship. Take a day to yourself and watch your favorite rom-coms and eat your comfort foods of choice.

• Spend time with loved ones

  • Find people you feel safe with and let them know what happened. As comforting as being on our own can feel, locking ourselves in our rooms for too long can actually promote loneliness and anxiety. Having a good support system will help uplift your mood, and serve as a reminder that there are people out there who don’t want to hurt you.

• Work on yourself

  • If your ex isn’t gonna love you right, someone needs to. Keep to your daily hygienic routines. Exercise. Do you not exercise? Start. Getting a daily dose of physical activity – it can be as low-impact as a 20-minute walk – and ensuring a cleanly appearance will help your body ward off a negative mood.

• Forgive

  • Yes, we all feel the instinct to take the low road and tweet some nasty words, or walk over to their new partner’s place and start a fight. Look, no one’s asking you to get back together with them. If you do, good for you. You’ll both have a long road to recovery ahead (but that’s for another article). But if you don’t, that’s okay too – give yourself closure by telling that person that though what they did was hurtful, you forgive them. You’ll feel like a better person than you would by cutting up all of their clothes.

• Question your own accountability

  • Not to victim blame, here. Cheating is no one’s fault but the cheater. No one made your ex run off and betray your trust instead of just approaching you with their needs and concerns. Nonetheless, it takes two to make a relationship work.
  • Ask yourself some important questions: Were you truly happy in that relationship to begin with? How was your communication in the relationship? Did you do what you could to ensure that your partner felt welcome to approach you with complaints or concerns? Or did you shut your partner down when they tried? We must keep these questions in the back of our heads in our next relationships to ensure that we are hearing our partners as much as we are being heard.

Yes, it’s extremely sucky feel the pain of cheating in a relationship. But it’s possible to move past an unhealthy relationship and learn from it, whether you’re the cheater or the cheated. Don’t give up!

https://psych2go.net/fidelity-series-the-sting-of-emotional-physical-cheating/

What are the Seven Stages of Divorce Recovery? By Allison Pescosolido, M.A

While divorce is unpredictable, understanding the general phases of divorce will give you a sense of what you can expect.

There are many ups and downs with divorce along with push and pull. It can feel like you are all over the place both emotionally and mentally. While divorce is unpredictable, it can help to understand the general phases of divorce to give you a sense of what you can expect. The seven phases in divorce recovery are not always linear, but you can expect to pass through most of them during the divorce transition.

Divorce Recovery Phase One: The Trauma

No matter how it begins – with an affair, a phone call, a pile of divorce papers left on the table or a mysterious text – divorce can have a traumatic affect. While the majority of divorce circumstances are not life threatening, the ending of a marriage can be excruciating. The sooner you admit that the initial divorce event is traumatic, the better off you’ll be – but not everyone can do this right away. Which brings us to Stage Two.

Divorce Recovery Phase Two: Shock and Denial

Few individuals are prepared for the shock of divorce. Many people try to cover up their initial shock by staying busy, refusing to cry, and carrying on “like normal.” This ultimately takes the shape of denial, an adaptive response to the painful reality, but unsustainable. If you begin neglecting self care, feeling stressed almost constantly without cause, and eating more or less than usual, you may be in shock or denial. This is, in fact, normal—you’re beginning the grieving process. But keep in mind that this won’t last.

Divorce Recovery Phase Three: Anger

Suddenly, you don’t feel “fine” anymore – you’re mad as hell. You begin to look for someone to blame for your trauma – and with the divorce, the most obvious object is the Ex (though not always). You begin thinking obsessively about the object of your anger. If it’s a person, you might find you’re stalking their Facebook profile, calling or texting them incessantly, or finding other ways to engage them. Some anger is normal, but if you find yourself unable to get over your anger, seek professional help. Otherwise, your outbursts may continue to trigger the pain of the original trauma, and you’ll be stuck cycling through the first three phases.

Divorce Recovery Phase Four: Sadness

Sadness is healthy and normal, as it marks the beginning of acceptance and moving on. Here, you can admit feelings of loss, without placing blame. During this time, you wish to grieve in the company of friends or a professional, or prefer to be alone. Whatever you do, allow yourself time to move through this phase without responding to inner or outer pressure to “just buck up.” However, keep watch for signs of lingering depression.

Divorce Recovery Phase Five: Acceptance

Here, you will begin to feel that “everything is going to be okay.” You no longer feel the need to pretend that you’re not hurt, but nor do you fantasize about destroying your Ex’s life, or stay in every weekend night. You are ready to begin rebuilding your life – as an individual with new and even exciting choices.

Divorce Recovery Phase Six: Accountability

To build a new future, you must take responsibility for your past. You begin to realize that you could have listened more, or criticized less. As you begin to contemplate dating, or even falling in love again, you will find yourself re-examining the past – and yourself – in a new light, and eagerly looking for ways to do it better next time.

Divorce Recovery Phase Seven: Self-Discovery and Enlightenment

After divorce, everyone has the potential to understand themselves as never before – what makes them happy, angry, and sad. A reserve of untapped potential and wisdom often lies trapped behind the tension of your past relationships. Here, you may experiment with new styles of expression, from opening up more to your partner to taking up traveling or painting. If there’s any reason to push through anger and sadness, it’s to find this gold at the end of the rainbow.

And again, if you find yourself stuck along the way, get a Divorce Detox™. There’s no shame in it. After all, you’ve been through a trauma. And no one should have to suffer a trauma alone.

---

Allison Pescosolido, M.A., is a divorce recovery specialist with advanced degrees in Psychology and certified Grief Recovery Specialist. She located in Santa Monica, California and provides programs to individuals who are facing the challenges that come with separation and divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/what-are-the-seven-stages-of-divorce-recovery/

Women Getting Over A Marriage Break Up - Tips To Moving On. By Suzy Weiss

Women getting over a marriage break up is never easy. Maybe once in your life you thought you have found the right person to grow old with. You marry each other, and you live a good life together for a few months or years. Then unexpected things will happen. You try counseling to make things work. Yet you still can't fix the issues within the marriage. The only solution you could think about is parting ways.

If it's a separation for two people who once loved each other dearly, it's an emotional turmoil. As they say, not all relationships are meant to last. At some point, you have to let go of the marriage, especially when things don't work anymore. Forcing a relationship to work out can sometimes do more harm than good. If you just came from a marriage breakup, the following steps could help you in moving on after divorce or splitting up.

1. Acknowledge that both you and your spouse had a problem. Now is the best time to process everything. There is no shortcut in forgetting someone. There is no easy way to move on after your marriage is over. Accept the fact that both you and your ex-husband contributed to the demise of your marriage. A relationship involves two people. Don't blame it all to yourself and don't point your finger to anybody else.

2. Cry your heart out. Keeping all your anger, heartache and other emotions bottled up will do you no good. You need to let them loose. If you feel the need to cry, then do so. Don't ever think that you should not cry over your ex-husband. Crying may not solve anything, however, it can make you feel better. This is an excellent tip in Women getting over a marriage break up.

3. Admit to yourself that you two have split up for good. You need to wake up to the reality that you can no longer turn back time. Your relationship has come to an end. Deal with it and try to move on. Living in the past would only keep you from recovering from a marriage break up.

4. Ask your family members for support. Your family are the ones you can turn to during these difficult times. They can provide encouragement for you to be able to get over a divorce. You also need to spend more time with yourself. Now that you are single again, start focusing on yourself more.

5. Talk to your friends about what happened. Spill out all your emotional pains you have been harboring with your friends. You need someone who would listen and sympathize with you. Your friends can also help cheer you up. Hang out with them more, and enjoy your newfound single status.

6. Take up a new hobby. Have you always wanted to play golf or tennis, but was unable to when you were married? Well, now is the perfect time to learn the sport. Engage yourself in a new hobby. Try new things that would keep yourself preoccupied. Go to places you like or have always been dreaming of visiting. Simply enjoy your new life as a single woman.

7. Don't give up on love. Women getting over a marriage break up may take you more time before you start dating again. You need to heal first before you go out there and meet new guys. But be sure that you don't hate love or relationships because your marriage did not work out. The right guy is just out there waiting for you.

https://articlebliss.com/Article/647838/Women-Getting-Over-A-Marriage-Break-Up-Tips-To-Moving-On.html

Starting Over After Heartbreak

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

How to Start a New Life after Divorce - Starting Over

How to get self-esteem back, by Mastin Kipp

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again BY LUCAS MCCORD

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again

JULY 05, 2018

BY LUCAS MCCORDhttps://divorcedmoms.com/10-ways-to-get-over-your-divorce-and-become-whole-again/

19

If you don’t get over your divorce you carry the same issues from your marriage into any post-divorce relationships.

I spoke with a Coaching client last week who is working her way through her third divorce. We were on the phone for an hour and she spent forty-five minutes talking about problems she had experienced in her first marriage. Problems which happen to be the same problems she is experiencing in her third marriage. If you don’t get over your divorce, guess what, you’ll find yourself like this woman…carrying the same problems into every relationship you have post-divorce.

She will soon have three ex-husbands that she still ruminates over, blames for her inability to have a successful marriage and spends an excessive amount of time talking about with anyone who will listen.

Why is her head still stuck in her three failed marriages? Because she didn’t do the work she needed to do after her first divorce before jumping into her second and third marriage. She believes that love and marriage will solve her problems when all she is doing is taking those problems into each of her subsequent marriages.

My client didn’t get over her first divorce which only led to more divorces. To keep you from making the same mistake, I encourage you to do the work needed to get over your divorce before jumping back into another relationship and marriage.

Everyone who ends a marriage will grieve the emotional investment they had in that marriage. They will grieve the loss of plans, hopes, and dreams they had with their spouse and for their future. Some experience that grieving process before the divorce, some are left to deal with the grieving after the marriage is over.

Wherever one finds themselves in the grieving process, it’s important to move through it in order to move forward with life and become whole, emotionally, financially, mentally and spiritually.

How does one get over a divorce in a healthy manner? See below:

10 Ways to Get Over Your Divorce and Become Whole Again

1. Controlled Communication

It’s probably best to avoid communication with an ex, if possible. If you have children, that won’t be possible so, when communicating focus on keeping the communication emotionally safe. If you must discuss child-related issues, stick to talking only about child-related issues. If you didn’t want the divorce and are hoping for a reconciliation, it’s important for your own emotional wellbeing to keep any communication strictly business.

2. Let Go of Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

It’s normal after a divorce to wander off into “woulda coulda shoulda” type thinking. Thinking about whether the marriage could have been saved only keeps you stuck and unable to move forward with your life. Indulging in “what ifs” and thinking about how things could’ve been will not help you cope with the reality of your divorce. Thinking about things that could have happened but never will happen is a waste of time and emotional energy. That kind of thinking promotes longings for something you can’t have, regret over something that is over and done with and more emotional pain that you don’t need.

3. Behave Yourself!

Sometimes divorce can make us behave in ways we normally wouldn’t and that can get nasty, quite quickly. Don’t badmouth your ex, don’t call them over the phone and express your anger, don’t use the children to punish your ex, don’t play mind games with child support and visitation. Anger is a difficult emotion for anyone to deal with and unfortunately, it’s a common emotion experienced after a divorce.

Fight the urge to misbehave. Screaming and shouting rarely makes an ex want to have a civil relationship with you. Name calling and finger pointing will make you look immature and irrational. If you need to scream and shout, do it alone or in the company of a close friend who you can trust to keep it to themselves. And, if you can’t get a handle on your anger, get into therapy so it can be worked through.

Have some pride and hold yourself to standards that would never allow you to let anger get the best of you.

4. Stay Away from People Who Don’t Promote Healing and Moving On

Surround yourself with people who are positive and willing to call you out on thinking and behaviors that hold you back from getting over your divorce. Steer clear of negative people who enjoy stirring the pot and encouraging your negative feelings. It’s natural to want to vent to those who will cheer you on and support your point of view BUT even though they feel they are giving you what you need, they are actually keeping you from focusing your energy elsewhere and in a more positive manner.

Spend time with friends and family that offer support and positivity, warmth and comfort. Those who will help you feel good about yourself, where you are in life and guide you in a direction that promotes growth and not stagnation.

5. Talk About Something Other than Your Divorce

Vent if you feel the need but know when enough is enough. Constant talking and thinking about your divorce saturates your mind and before long there will be room for nothing but negative thinking in your head. That can lead to feelings of depression and being overly emotional.

When it comes to getting over a divorce, your head and what goes through your head is your greatest tool. If you drown your brain with constant negative thoughts about your divorce, you’ll find yourself going down for the third time and unable to recover and move on.

Give yourself a certain amount of time daily to talk and think about your divorce. The rest of the day distract yourself with positive thoughts and activities. It’s making room for the good stuff in your head that will encourage healing after a divorce.

6. Don’t Drink Away Your Grief

Alcohol numbs, it doesn’t heal. Drinking to numb the pain of a divorce can have serious effects on your mood, your behavior, and your overall wellbeing. Drinking is an easy way to avoid the pain you’re in but, it will only extend the grieving process and stall the moving on process.

7. Evict Thoughts of Your Ex from Your Head

You had a daily relationship with your ex. Even if you wanted the divorce it can take time to stop thinking about your ex. Wondering how they are and what they are doing will be normal thoughts that go through your head. If you didn’t want the divorce such thoughts may become obsessive for you. You’ve been forced to let go of a relationship you wanted to hold onto, it’s only natural that part of your grieving process will be focusing on your ex’s whereabouts, who they are with, how they are spending their time.

It’s important that you remain aware that an obsessive need to keep up with your ex will lead you into harmful and painful territory. Letting go of a relationship you’d rather be nurturing is one of the hardest things any of us is called upon to do. If you’re going to get over your loss and move forward in a positive manner with your life, you need to let go of the need to keep tabs on and constantly think about your ex.

8. Allow Yourself to Feel

Divorce brings with it difficult emotions. You will feel sadness, anger, confusion, fear, anxiety and many other negative emotions attached to divorce. It’s natural to want those emotions to go away and for you to do whatever you feel will soothe them.

It’s important to feel and work through these negative emotions. The biggest mistake you can make is to bury negative emotions or put a band-aid over them. Divorce puts us all in a vulnerable position emotionally. Don’t fear that vulnerability, embrace it and work through it by expressing your feelings in a healthy manner. Talk to a friend, family member or therapist about how you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, acknowledge them and in time they will fade.

9. Stay Away from Places That Were Special to You Two

To get over your divorce you want to avoid anything that will cause added pain. Visiting a restaurant that you two spent your first anniversary will bring up memories that can be painful. Seeing a movie at the same theater you two frequented may cause discomfort due to reminders of your ex. Consider places you two shared time together off limits until you can go there and it no longer hurts.

10. Focus on You!

Last but most important, focus on you, your immediate needs and your future. No one moves forward if their head and heart are stuck in the past. No one benefits personally if they don’t focus on their emotional and physical needs first.

Be sure you are eating and exercising properly. Daily, take the time to set goals for yourself. Goals that focus on what you want and need out of life going forward. Take the needed steps to meet those goals. Life doesn’t end with a divorce. In twenty years, you don’t want to look back and think to yourself, “I wasted years of my life when I didn’t accept and get over that divorce.”

Smile daily, work at personal growth and learning new relationship skills. Get rid of reminders of your ex in your home that evoke negative memories, treat yourself with patience and kindness. And, move forward rebuilding a life that promotes pride and contentment.

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash