The Stages of Divorce Grief. By J. Hope Suis

Divorce Grief Can Often Feel Like Death  

For many of you, divorce and divorce grief feels like a death. In reality, it was the death of your fairy tale. We know the statistics going in, but we all think we are the exception, our love is real, strong enough, the forever kind. The majority of us believe we will beat the odds. To realize one day that we lost at the table of love is devastating and it affects our brains much like a physical death does. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the Five Stages of Grief as it relates to death. I would like to suggest we experience similar responses when we are first faced with the reality of a divorce.

Denial: Part of Divorce Grief 

We come up with a myriad of reasons to explain why our partner just dropped the D word on us. This cannot be happening to me. Denial is our mind’s way of gradually getting used to the pain. Much like slowly wading into the cold ocean waters, we tiptoe around slowly and tense up as the crashing waves of disbelief wash over us. Denial often shields us from guilt as well. The contributions we have made leading to this outcome may be hard to accept. It is ok to need and request some time to process. It is a life-altering decision, but unfortunately one you must face along with the divorce grief.

Anger: Another Step in Divorce Grief 

If denial is the first sense of loss and helplessness, floating aimlessly in sadness, then anger is the anchor that starts the healing process. We become furious that they would reject our love and commitment to become callous, selfish and dreadful. Anger gives us focus for the tasks ahead. We should not make lasting decisions in the throes of this anger, but it does move us away from despair and points us to the details we need to protect ourselves, our finances and our future. Anger is the catalyst for self-preservation, do not let it turn into bitterness, harness it as an energy resource for challenging days ahead.

There is a fine line between compromise and concession. In a marriage, a basic staple ingredient is effective compromise. If one or both partners fail to recognize and execute this, the partnership will erode quickly. If your spouse has asked you time and again to help with a chore, be more respectful, show more affection, whatever the complaint, and you have dodged and refused for years, it is now too late to show up with a mop, roses or dressed in lingerie, pleading for another chance. You cannot force someone to love or stay with you. You can learn from the experience but never resort to emotional manipulation. It will backfire and still have the same end result.

Depression and Divorce Grief

Depression is the hardest stage to conquer. We hide under the covers, lay in the dark, won’t get out of bed and if we do, it’s to go to the freezer and pull out ice cream to eat directly from the carton. Some people watch sappy love movies, some people call their mother, best friend or the Pizza Hut delivery person. Others lose themselves in work or working out and a few hit the road or hit the bottle. We all react to depression differently, but we all agree on one thing: it hurts.

There is very little we can do except wait it out. If you did not want a divorce, when the reality starts to settle in, the sadness will come. Possibly you will relive the good moments, the fun adventures, the great sex and the thought that the ride is ending makes it hard to breathe. Even if you wanted the divorce, or believed it was the best route to take, there will still be a feeling of regret, wasted time, and loss. Every single one of these emotions and reactions is normal and understandable. I cannot tell you the right way for you to process your pain. I can point out some wrong ways.

Do not retreat away from the rest of the world; at least not for more than a day or two. There is no salvation to be found in your La-Z-Boy. Do not begin a smear campaign against your ex. Do not abuse alcohol or any type of drug, prescription or otherwise. Numbing the pain seems like a good idea, but it isn’t because it will still be waiting when you resurface into consciousness.

What does work? Find someone to talk to, a minister, people who love you, or even a therapist. I will not promise the pain will ever completely dissipate, but I will promise that you will feel better, peaceful, and even joyful again. The motivation will drive you past the depression and down the road to your new future.

Acceptance, Moving through Divorce Grief

We’ve denied it, railed against it, tried to negotiate out of it and cried about it. Enough is enough, you are divorced and you will be ok, accept it. This is the last stage of grief and the first step in the right direction. There are still decisions to be made and obstacles to encounter, but with a clear mind and determination, those will be handled as they arise.

After acceptance of divorce and your divorce grief comes the healing process, there is no pre-designated time for this to take place. Everyone has to heal at their own pace. Do not let friends or family, however well-intentioned, attempt to rush you through. They want to see you happy but understand it looks different for everyone. However, it does take work and responsibility on your part to achieve.

In reality, there are many more than five steps. This is a one-step-in-front-of-the-other process that will have many hills and valleys.The death of a marriage is truly a sad thing, but it does not define your journey. The goal is to make good decisions, keep a cool head and never close off your heart.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/stages-divorce-grief/

Meditation for Sleep: Detachment from Over-Thinking at Bedtime (Guided Meditation Insomnia Anxiety)

7 Things Mentally Strong People Avoid

Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Your Divorce. BY CHARLOTTE ANDERSEN

Ending an unhappy marriage doesn't make you damaged goods — it means you're smart and strong enough to make a better life for yourself.

When Ellen Myers finalized her divorce in 2013 she felt an overwhelming sense of freedom — and a deep sense of shame. "It was a weird time," she recalls. "On one hand I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time, I didn't want anyone to know."

The Colorado mom had married young, at just 18, and had children right away. Like many divorced people, she felt embarrassed that she hadn't been able to make her marriage last. She became convinced her friends and family were all silently thinking, I told you this would never work. But worse were the slights she dealt with in public — glances at her empty ring finger, a lack of invitations from former friends, and, most troublingly, a pointed remark from a clergy member at her church, who read Myers discouraging stats about children of divorce, then suggested she continue to endure her abusive situation for her kids' sake. She even faced rejection from a potential landlord after disclosing that she was a single mother who relied on child support for income.

"He told me he never rented to single moms because the 'deadbeat dads' didn't pay up and he 'didn't need that kind of drama'," Myers recalls. "It was awful. Even though I knew, deep down, I'd made the best choice for me and my children, it was hard not to feel like I'd failed."

Myers isn't the only woman who has struggled with feelings of shame about her split. Despite the ubiquity of divorce — just over half of marriages will make it to the 20-year mark, according to the most recent data from the National Survey of Family Growth — there is still a lingering stigma that many people, especially women, face, says Anita C. Savage, a divorce and family law attorney at GoransonBain.

"I;ve seen countless clients who feel stigmatized by their divorce. In fact, despite my profession, I was one of them," she admits. "I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell my friends and family that I could not make my marriage work."

And while it's perfectly normal to feel that way, Savage says, shame should never enter into the picture. Getting divorced doesn't mean you're "dumb" or "damaged goods."

"Even 'good' people face divorce, by choice or because of their spouse's decision, but the divorce itself does not reflect who that person is or what that person stands for," she says. "For a variety of innocuous reasons and despite their best attempts, two emotionally healthy and functioning people sometimes cannot make their marriage work."

Not only is divorce not a commentary on your personal worth, it can actually show the world just how strong you are, says Nanda Davis, Esq., a specialist in divorce and family law and president of the Roanoke chapter of the Virginia Women Attorney's Association. "Divorcing a spouse takes a lot of courage," she says. It involves being honest and publicly open about very painful personal topics and standing up for your and your children's needs — all tough things to do, she adds.

Divorce is ultimately about getting a fresh start, and wanting a better life is nothing to be ashamed of, says Kathryn Smerling, Ph.D., a family therapist and divorce expert. "Some people still think that you should stay married just for the sake of it, even if you're unhappy. But why would you do that?" she asks.

On an intellectual level, these messages seem easy enough to grasp. So why do so many people still feel like Myers? Although social stigma is certainly still a factor (case in point: Myers's pastor), it's fading from what it was several generations ago. (A Gallup poll conducted earlier this year determined that 73 percent of American adults believe divorce is "morally acceptable," compared to 59 percent in 2001.)

According to Savage, it's because divorced women often end up blaming themselves for the end of their marriages. "The good will we're willing to give to others experiencing a divorce is something we haven't provided to ourselves," she explains. "We believe that our failed marriage means we have failed as a human being, as a partner, and as a parent who wanted to provide their child with an example of what a long and successful marriage looks like."

They key to overcoming these painful feelings is to give yourself a break, she says. Tune out negative self-talk by surrounding yourself with supportive people, whether that's family, friends, a church group, or even a divorce recovery group where you can talk it out. There's great relief in discussing your questions and concerns with people who have been there too — plus it helps others overcome their own sense of shame and embarrassment, Savage says.

If you're really struggling to shake negative feelings after a divorce, Smerling recommends connecting with a therapist. "Unresolved feelings of shame and guilt can lead to depression and feelings of paralysis," she says. "So if you're feeling that way, it's important to go seek professional help."

For Myers, time has been the most important part of her healing process. Nearly four years after her divorce, "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time," she says. "Now my life is so much better, both for me and my kids, and I've discovered I'm stronger than I ever knew — and that's something I'm immensely proud of."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/a59810/coping-with-divorce/

15 Minute Meditation for Stress Relief and Building Confidence

The surprising science of happiness | Dan Gilbert

The Perks of Being Divorced. Explore the New You as One of the Perks of Being Divorced By Wendi Schuller

When in the throes of a difficult divorce, it is hard to imagine that life may get better. One is focusing on losses and not anticipating that there are some gains as well. The adage “every cloud has a silver lining” does ring true. Post-divorce, many of us discovered that there were more silver linings than storm clouds, and there are perks of being divorced.

One woman I interviewed, said that she is now “the CEO” of her house. She repainted, rearranged, and planted an extensive garden. Whatever she feels like doing (within her budget), she does it. When married, this woman had to run ideas by her autocratic spouse. Another person adopted a cat as soon as the divorce was finalized. Their former spouse had loathed felines. Men have echoed similar sentiments. They got back into sports, which was fun and resulted in a physically fit body.

Explore a New Career or Head out on Spontaneous Adventures Post-Divorce 

Post-divorce instead of focusing on loss, think of life as a change with new opportunities to reinvent yourself. A divorced friend said that she is “captain of her own ship.” For the first time, she feels that she is totally in charge of her life. Steer your course on unchartered waters – possibly by changing careers. Some of us have become writers and painters in our newly solo lives.

Instead of dwelling on the negatives, re-frame your thoughts to something more positive. I did not realize how drained I was during my marriage trying to please a hostile mother-in-law. The energy I exerted on her is put to better use post-divorce. My social life has expanded and I have time to volunteer. Think about relationships that consumed your time when married. Some of these individuals may be dropped and replaced with positive ones who are supportive.

Being in a troubled marriage can divert attention away from the children. As one of the perks of being divorced, I was able to get to know my sons on a deeper level in my more relaxed state. When trying to hold things together in my unhappy marriage, I only asked the boys superficial questions. Becoming closer to my sons before the empty nest occurred was the most important perk of my divorce.

Travel can be more spontaneous after a divorce when not having to match your time off from work with someone else. A few days ago, I met a divorced pal at a coffee shop. We talked about how one river cruise company was running a 2 for the price of 1 special with free airfare. Neither of us have been to Ukraine, and within a half hour we were all set to go on a river cruise around the Black Sea. This was a repeat from two years prior while sitting at that coffee shop, when we booked a river cruise through Germany. I do not have to check in with anyone else when making on the spot travel arrangements and grabbing bargain rates.

Perks of Being Divorced: Reconnect with Family

Yes, not having a double income is unsettling at times. My sons and I have attained wisdom after divorce and discovered that we do not need a lot of stuff or the latest technology. We prefer to buy minimally and savor experiences over material goods. Our priorities shifted. I have listened to so many stories from others about how divorce forced them to look into themselves and produce rewarding changes. Consider how your divorce can be a catalyst for making adjustments in your life and experience the perks of being divorced.

If you are struggling, consider putting in writing what you are grateful for post-divorce. Jot down how life is better, no matter if it is trivial. Being able to avoid cooking meals by picking up healthy take away has made it on some divorced people’s lists. Writing in a journal is therapeutic. One can look back and see how they have healed or made progress. If you see only negatives, that is what you will find. If you choose to look upon the bright side of life, that is what you will discover post-divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/the-perks-of-being-divorced/

Fathers and Daughters: An Essential Bond After Divorce. By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

The relationship a daughter has with her father is one that has a profound impact on her life. The breakup of a family often changes the dynamic of the father-daughter relationship and it can be a challenge to stay connected. Research has shown that fathers play an important role in the lives of their daughters but that this relationship is the one that changes the most after divorce.

There’s no denying that a woman’s relationship with her father is one of the most crucial in her life. The quality of that connection – good, damaged, or otherwise – powerfully impacts dads and daughters in a multiple of ways.  A father’s effect on his daughter’s psychological well-being and identity is far-reaching. A daughter’s sense of self, for instance, is often connected to how her father views her. A girl stands a better chance of becoming a self-confident woman if she has a close bond with her father.

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls, in part due to a tendency they have to crave emotional closeness more than boys do. She may feel that if her family is broken, she is broken. Due to a delayed reaction to divorce or a “Sleeper Effect,” a girl might go undercover, and develop an increased sensitivity to loss that may go unnoticed.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce?  Dr. Linda Nielson, a nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, posits that that while most daughters of divorce are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl may grow into adulthood with low self-esteem and trust issues.

Dr. Nielson found that girls tend to spend more time with their mothers (and less time with their dad) after their parents’ divorce. In her extensive research, Dr. Nielson found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of joint custody after the family splits.

My research for Daughters of Divorce spanned over three years and was comprised of 326 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriageconcluded that lack of access to both parents and high conflict between them contributed to low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes. Most of the young women that I interviewed expressed a strong desire to improve their communication with their fathers yet lacked the tools to be able to pull this off.

Certainly a strong father-daughter connection is a challenge when it comes to post-divorce relationships. In a recent episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass Bishop T.D. Jakes concludes “It’s not a lack of love that stops an estranged father from reconnecting with his child – it’s the fear of rejection.” Bishop Jakes recommends that every father needs to “court” his child and discover his or her world in order to reconnect.

In his recent book Always Dad, Paul Mandelstein, advises divorced dads to find ways to play a crucial role in their daughter’s life. He suggests that divorced parents call a truce with their ex-spouse – to put an end to active fighting and to collaborate. The father-daughter connection, even several years after a family dissolves, is heavily influenced by consistency in contact and the quality of the relationship.

Daughters who have a strong relationship with their father are more likely to be self-confident and mature – possessing a purpose in their lives. A daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how she should be treated by a man. But Dads often lose touch with their daughters after a family splits up and they don’t always know how to reconnect. I know firsthand about this loss because I experienced it with my own father and fortunately was able to heal the rupture in our relationship.

Why is the father-daughter bond so vulnerable to disruption after divorce?

• Girls tend to spend more time with their moms after divorce (and less time with their dads).
• During early adolescence, a girl tends to feel distant from her dad and she may resent her stepmom or his girlfriend. Meanwhile, she may tend to have an intense, complicated relationship with her mom (confidant, too close, lots of conflict and love).
• Mothers and stepmoms don’t always understand the importance of the father-daughter bond so they may not encourage it.
• Dads don’t always know how to connect with their daughters around activities that are mutually satisfying so they start spending less time together.
• If the father-daughter bond is severely damaged it can cause daughters to have trust and intimacy issues in adult relationships. It may push them to pick romantic partners who are all wrong for them because they set low standards.

The truth is that girls go through many changes during adolescence and at this pivotal time, they may become more distant from their dads. There is also more tension between mothers and daughters – even in intact families.  Divorce often intensifies issues between family members. The good news is that it’s not too late for fathers and daughters to connect.

10 Tips for fathers with daughters of all ages:

• Express loving feelings: Hugs, praise, and suggesting activities are ways to do this.
• Connect through notes: Texts, emails, or a postcard or letter if you are away.
• Idle chats: Ask her questions or exchange small talk while you are driving in the car,  helping her with homework, cooking, or a doing a project together (puzzle, decorate her room).
• Special dates: For younger daughters, a visit to the zoo or the park are possible ways to connect and relax together. Throw in a picnic or ice cream cone too! For teenage or young adult daughters: Take her to lunch, the gym, or a wonderful movie – ask her for ideas!
• Include her in vacation plans: Ask her where she wants to go (with limits).
• Find ways to help her to build self-esteem such as encouraging her to develop interests and recognizing her strengths. It’s okay for her to abandon these interests when she decides to check new ones out. Try to be accepting of her need for independence as she reaches adolescence. She still needs your approval but requires a little space to explore and grow.
• Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible – especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.
• Be sure not to bad-mouth her mother – even if she complains about her. For instance, mothers and daughters can experience more tension during adolescence and you can serve as a buffer. Keep in mind that her mother is still her model and so saying negative things about your ex-spouse will hurt your daughter and may spark a negative reaction.
• Attempt to help her repair any father-daughter wounds. If your relationship has been damaged and she doesn’t want to connect, you may want to seek professional help from a divorce coach or therapist.
• Be patient and persistent in showing your daughter you want to spend time with her. It’s never too late to develop a stronger father-daughter bond or to reconnect while you’re still alive! Don’t let your fear of rejection of the past prevent you from enjoying a positive bond with your daughter.

10 Tips for daughters of all ages:  

• Be honest about your relationship with your father and any wounds that exist.
• Let go of self-blame and forgive yourself (for whatever you told yourself) and your dad.
• Give up the dream of a perfect connection with your father.
• Look at ways you may have accepted relationships that were not healthy for you to fill the void your dad left (dating unavailable men or ones who are all wrong for you).
• Examine your relationship with your dad and attempt to reconnect if there have been any wounds. He may be able to help you be your best self.
• Be patient and have realistic expectations.  After all, it may take time to reconnect if your relationship is damaged or distant.
• Invest your time in something that interests your dad – such as attending a sporting or work event with him if you have the opportunity.
• Express your needs clearly and calmly. This could be verbally, a letter, or release (“I release you from not being more active in my life, even if I don’t know why or it hurts”). You may decide not to share your letter with your father, but this step can still be therapeutic.
• Accept that people usually do the best they can and attempt to be more understanding of your father and his situation.
• You may want to seek professional help to deal with your wound with your father if your relationship doesn’t seem to be improving.

If fathers can remain an integral part of their daughter’s life after divorce, a loving bond will help them get through rough patches in life. Dr. Peggy Drexler, author of Our Fathers, Ourselves writes, “Likewise, even the most troubled, overwrought , baggage-laden relationship is not without hope – if not of reconciliation, then at least of the daughter finding a new way of seeing her father that might help her to make sense of the forces that shaped him and his actions.” In most cases, It’s not too last to connect with your father or your daughter, even if you haven’t done so in some time.  

The information contained in this blog also applies to many father-daughter relationships when the parents are unwed. All daughters benefit from a close bond with their father. It is never too late to heal fractured relationships and for love and forgiveness. Fathers can be an integral part of their daughters lives even if they live apart or have had limited contact in the past.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/11/fathers-and-daughters-an-essential-bond-after-divorce/

4 Ways To Deal With Divorce When You Still Love Him. BY JOHN BUTLER

In my divorce mediation practice, I often work with couples where one party is still, deeply in love with the spouse who wants a divorce. In this article, we’ll focus on advice for wives who find themselves in this painful situation. To be honest, I’ve found it’s just as often true that it’s the wife who wants to end the marriage and the husband who is still in love. In any event, these are heart-wrenching divorce cases and over the years I have given this topic a lot of thought. Here are four tips:

Here are four tips for dealing with divorce when you still love him.

1. Do not retaliate or act out

The momentary urge to “get even” or act on hurt feelings can be difficult to resist. Taking action in the midst of hurt or anger may be satisfying and feel good in the moment, but be aware that acting on this urge will have consequences.  In one of my early cases, I observed the consequences of a young wife and mother who acted on those feelings when she was angry at her husband whom she deeply loved. During a marital argument, he moved out and demanded a divorce.  In the midst of their argument, he had made a caustic comment about her haggard appearance and post-pregnancy weight retention. The comment was understandably deeply hurtful to her. Reacting to the pain of his callous remark and his decision to move out, she retaliated. She had a short fling with one of her husband’s close friends.  A few weeks later the couple patched things up and he moved back home with his wife and their two young children.  A few weeks later she discovered that she was pregnant (…the pregnancy was not the result of make-up sex with her husband).

They stayed together for a few more years rationalizing that since he was the one who had left, he really shouldn’t complain about her behavior during the breakup.  Meanwhile, the husband’s former good friend was paying child support every month and had visitation with the baby. As you can guess, this arrangement just kept reminding the husband of his wife’s retaliation; eventually, the marriage failed.

So my best advice is to avoid taking any action which will harm the man you love or the marriage you say you want. Examples of what NOT to do may seem to fit a stereotype. Even so, I’ve found them to be very common in cases where the husband seeks divorce and the wife is still in love, but hurt and angry. (Could this same advice be given to husbands who still love their wife who’s asking for a divorce? You bet.)

 Here is a partial list:

• Don’t bad-mouth him to your girlfriends or your parents. If you need to process your feelings, find a therapist or support group.
• Don’t buy things for yourself which you have wanted but cannot readily afford. Divorce often centers on money issues. Racking up credit card debt or draining a bank account on an impulse purchase usually brings more grief than joy in the long run.
• Don’t act out by damaging his car, destroying his tools or lashing out in any way. If you want to physically express your anger, take a brisk walk or enroll in a martial arts class. (Don’t even think about anything which would end up as a YouTube video!).

I do not mean to promise that he will come back to you, but I can attest that you make it a lot harder if you retaliate or act out when he delivers the news that he wants to leave.

2. Try not to escalate

If while still married you and your husband are fighting and he threatens divorce it is imperative that you remain as calm as you can. Yes, he may truly want a divorce and be committed to that path. However, it’s also possible that while he may have said that what he wants is a divorce, what he may truly want is to stop fighting with you. Divorce may seem like the way to get the fighting to stop. He may also be yearning for the dynamic that existed in the early years of your relationship but not know how to reclaim it. When arguments escalate it’s common for one or both parties to say things in anger they later regret.

Of course, when the prospect of an unwanted divorce raises its head, it is wise to protect yourself and look out for your own interests, even if you still love him and would prefer to stay married. Depending on the circumstances, hiring an attorney at this stage may seem to be the best course of action. Just keep in mind that hiring an overly aggressive lawyer may preclude a smaller step like one-on-one mediation. Being a divorce mediator, I may be biased, but I’ve seen mediation work wonders in these situations.

Remember that divorce attorneys make their money by litigating divorces. Mediators thrive by creating harmony through mutual effort to resolve conflict. Many men have told me they find divorce mediation far more satisfying than marriage counseling because it is focused on problem-solving, (often their strong suit) rather than therapy which is focused on exploring feelings (often their weak suit).

If you need legal perspective, talk with a mediator with legal experience or call a lawyer from a town far away just to get some general advice. If you still love your husband and the marriage still has a chance of survival, jumping into litigation is highly unlikely to yield the results you seek.

3. Consider whether addiction is a factor and if so, get help.

One of the frequent coping mechanisms of couples going through the hard times prior to a divorce is to escape the pain of their lost romantic feelings using addictive behaviors. If your husband has shown any signs of addiction, then it is likely that you have reacted with your own counter measures. Sometimes they are co-dependent behaviors like nagging, trying to shame him into good behavior, lying to cover up problems and so forth.

Whatever the details, when a couple is in this addictive cycle the marriage has almost no chance to thrive unless the addictions are addressed. If you have addiction anywhere in your marriage, then start with an honest assessment of your own reactions. If he has a problem behavior, and you still love him, there are proven ways to maintain your dignity and sanity in the relationship. Try Alanon or another 12–step program geared to support the friends and family of someone with an addiction problem.

4. Explore Your Deepest Truth

The hard truth is that I have seen cases where there are wives who love their husbands and there are other cases where the wives are attached to being married but seem to be indifferent toward their husband as a person. These might seem the same, but there is a world of difference.

Explore your deepest motivations about your relationship and your marriage because at some level your husband can probably tell how you really feel about him. If you are clinging to the idea that you love him but actually, deep down, you are insecure about not being married, that will tend to energetically push him away. On the other hand, if you truly love him and that is the priority in your heart and soul, then living in accord with those emotions may have the effect of drawing him toward you.

What might this look like? Every relationship has its own qualities and dynamics; there are as many ways to put this advice into motion as there are couples. It takes some self-examination and wisdom to know what is a kindness you can genuinely offer without feeling like you are being taken advantage of or becoming a doormat. Healthy boundaries vary from individual to individual and relationship to relationship. This is definitely not a case of one-size-fits-all.

Here are a few approaches I’ve seen succeed in drawing a couple back toward each other rather than driving them further apart:

• If you have children, and abuse is not a concern, consider allowing as much access as possible during the first phase of your separation. Show him that you value his role in their lives as a father even if he wasn’t the greatest dad before the divorce started. Invite him to visit with the kids in the home and be gracious when he shows up. Preparing extra food for dinner so he can eat with the kids is an act of kindness which he will notice and may appreciate. If the children are engaged in after-school sports, be sure to give him notice of all the games and ask him to sit next to you when he attends. Make an extra effort to include him in family gatherings and celebrations.
• If he has moved out, you might provide him with a generous share of the linens and silverware, maybe even spare furniture so that he does not need to go buy replacements. Consider letting him store his big-ticket items in the garage rather than force him to move them to a storage locker.

It may be counter-intuitive but sometimes making it easy for him to leave, makes it easier for him to come back.  At the same time, only you can determine what crosses the line into unhealthy co-dependence and being overly generous for the situation.

Conclusion

Every case is different because every couple is different. If you still love your husband and he says he wants a divorce, you will have many opportunities to choose how you show up when whatever happens next unfolds. Over the course of my mediation practice, I’ve witnessed couples move toward reconciliation after one or the other, or both, initially thought divorce was inevitable. Of course, many couples do complete the divorce process, even when one of them really wants to stay married.

Either way, these four principles help provide the best chance of moving forward with a positive outcome. 1) Don’t retaliate, 2) try not to escalate, 3) if addiction is a factor, get help and 4) explore your deepest truth.

https://divorcedmoms.com/4-ways-to-deal-with-divorce-when-you-still-love-him/

Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel

Guided meditation for loneliness and positive change

6 Ways to Take Care of Yourself After Divorce

You have to take care of yourself after divorce to make the transition from married to single successfully.

By Kavita Verma 

Divorce usually comes with a package of responsibilities. You have to move on emotionally, restart your life, relocate physically, and change your routines – all at once. This is a lot to handle, especially when you are filled with an ocean of emotions because of your divorce. You have to take care of yourself after divorce to make the transition from married to single successfully.

During and after divorce, some people drop back into a relationship with their ex – even if it’s only physical for one of the parties. Really people? You had all the problems in this world with your partner, and now you’re going back for more? Stop! Don’t do it! No matter how much you miss your spouse, your divorce attorney has finally received your signature on the divorce papers, and you can’t turn back the clock to a time when you were happy together.

People have different ways to cope, but whatever your coping strategy is, you must take care of yourself after divorce so you can heal and move on.

Here are 6 ideas to help you take care of yourself after divorce.

1. Don’t dwell for too long

It is, of course, difficult to come out of the past and live in the future after the relationship ends. But lingering over all those things for a length of time is not good at all. It will harm your inner peace more than any other thing. Once the situation is beyond your control, there is no need to waste your precious time thinking about what went wrong.

Talk about it to the people who you think can be of help. This is the way you will get rid of the things that are likely to pollute your inner self otherwise.

2. Realize your worth

When in a crisis, people often drag themselves down. This is not the way out of it. You do have a flaw or maybe more than one, but so has everyone. Even an embroidered cloth has a mess of threads on one of its sides, but that does not make it bad. Introspect. That way, you will come to know your uniqueness in this world.

You now have all the energy of this world, and this is the right time to start something creative, something useful. Do not let the negativities paralyze your mind. If you invest your potential in the right place and thing, chances are, you might bring a change to the society.

3. Manage your finance

Once you are all on your own, the expenditure of money has to be properly planned. If you have a child with you, make sure you save enough to have a secure future. Do not spend on all the things you like. Doing so would put you in financial distress, coming out of which is quite difficult. Seeking the help of a financial advisor here can be a better option, especially when having no idea about the same.

4. Just Let it go

If your head is filled with ‘what ifs,’ ask yourself whether you’re making anything better, or deteriorating yourself? Doing it for some time is natural, but taking it to another level is never going to help you. There is always life beyond any problem. Your, and someone else’s, mistakes help you prepare for the up and coming chapters of your life.

5. Social Media is not the solution

If you think you need to vent out your feelings, don’t ever do this on social media. It spreads much faster than a forest fire does. Instead of posting about it on social media, call a friend, or reach out to your parents. They will be the ones who are going to be your life jacket in a scenario like that.

Do not get into the stalking. This is of no help. Instead, it is hard to come out of this rabbit hole, once you have put yourself into it. Your ex knows you’re not okay, so stop posting the “Look how happy I am!” pictures. It is not going to help you in any way.

6. Forgiveness is necessary

It is tough to forgive someone for their betrayals or other misdeeds – but can be even more difficult to forgive yourself. If the divorce has happened, there was a reason for it. Even if your spouse was unfaithful, or asked for a divorce out of the blue, you played a part in the divorce: even if that was only to be willfully blind to what was staring you in the face, or to enable their bad behavior.  Forgive your ex, and forgive yourself. To do this, take a look back at your relationship without those rose-colored glasses, and figure out what part each of you played in the breakdown of your marriage. Your failures don’t make you a bad person, and the path to peace is forgiveness.

Although you might be in great distress because of your divorce, if you forgive and move on, things will eventually settle down. You will be happy again! Divorce is not fun, but you will definitely get through it. Accept the reality, take care of yourself after divorce, and start living your new post-divorce life now.

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Kavita Verma has been motivating people with her writing for more than five years now. Her educational background in the field of psychology has helped her better understand the emotional issues of the people. In her career as a psychologist, she has helped tons of people in coming out of the mental trauma.https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-after-divorce/

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How to Stop Crying After Divorce by Steve Gerente

Ending a relationship is difficult, particularly if you have promised to be with each other forever, but separation can sometimes be a blessing. It's okay to shed tears for sometime, but you have to put yourself back in sync and move on. 

Divorce is not the last part of your life, it's just the end of a relationship. While, that would seem so casual, but you may have other stuff that you need to concentrate on, rather than your marriage. If you have kids, this would be a great time to begin focusing on them more. 

Go to the movies, visit the mall, just make yourself occupied with your offspring in order that you will be able to concentrate on something worth your time. Hundreds of folks have passed through divorce, therefore you are not the only one. 

Why should you cry anyway? It's not your fault that it didn't work, you two most likely were just at two dissimilar places in life. It's not because of you personally. There are a lot of things that you have to concentrate on that you may become overwhelmed. However, that's okay, it's a natural reaction. But instead of going in a depression, you must to focus on what's happening. You need to start the process.

The initial process to separating possibly will be therapy. You might need to be off on your own or you can go with your mate. Although it may seem very late for counseling, it will aid you two to be terrific parents. If you will be able to pass though all the issues, all the anger, and you can realize each other's emotions, it follows that you can retain a fantastic relationship after the marriage. 

You may want to go on your own at first. In this way you can get all of your emotions out and you can let go some of the anger and some of the hurt. Counseling is a wonderful beginning because you can find yourself once more after that you can discover things that will aid you to move on. 

There are a lot of questions that you may feel unanswered. Discern that, this was an act of destiny. It may possibly be the result of his actions, your actions, or both. Therefore, do not consider yourself as the problem. Fate was the problem. There are certain facets of the universe that pull people as one and then away from each other, much like a magnet.

If you think about it in terms of fate, you will discover strength, and you will as well attain the courage to keep going. This is just a section in the numerous books of your life. Don't be bothered because there shall be love following divorce and there will be other thrilling chapters of your life yet to be read, therefore it's okay to let go. You by no means be aware of what you may find after this whole thing blows over. 

It possibly will take weeks or months to draw closer to the fact, but you take as much time as you have to. To finish the tears, to end the hurt, you need to find other stuff that will make you in high spirits then just perform it. If you get comfort in associates, be there with them as much as probable. If you have offspring, it goes the same. If you would actually like to stop the crying, you will get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed up, and go to banquet, with friends, or family, or even by yourself. Getting up and looking like a hundred bucks will begin the process of letting go

Whenever you feel lonely or blue, reach out to someone that you love and support you and talk. Talking will help everything. Share your feelings, and whatever you do, do not separate yourself. You should be with people who love you during this moment of need.

http://www.a1articles.com/how-to-stop-crying-after-divorce-2424958.html

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