Recovering From Divorce. By Jay Williams

Recovering from divorce? Here are 3 things you need to do.

Moving on from a divorce is never easy; the recovery process is always testing and time-consuming. Indeed, it can take months or, in some cases, even years before people start to feel anywhere near like they’re getting back to their best. Indeed, there’s no set time, no deadline, for recovery. It’s a gradual process punctuated by good days, bad days, days where you feel numb and days when you don’t want to get out of bed. Emotions of all kinds will come and go; your general mood will oscillate and more. In time, though, you will feel better.

Whilst you’re in the midst of recovering, however, these three things will make the process a lot easier:

1.       Learn to let things go

This will sound cliched but holding on to negative feelings – particularly those relating to your former spouse – is certain to halt the recovery process. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s a vital life skill and, trust me, once you’ve learnt how to let go, you’ll realise just how much it’s going to help you recover and move on.

There’s a famous quote, often attributed to Buddha (though this is widely disputed), that goes: “holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die” and it perfectly exemplifies why learning to let go is so important: if you don’t, you’ll be hurting no one but yourself.

2.       Be kind to yourself

We’ve all made mistakes and, sometimes, we need to spend a little bit of time thinking about them to ensure that a lesson’s learnt. All too often, though, we take this too far: chastising and beating ourselves up when, if we saw a friend or even acquaintance doing the same thing to themselves, we’d tell them that they were needlessly beating themselves up.

Yes, it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but the mistake’s already been made, and lessons have already been learned. Make a conscious effort to be kind to yourself: do things you enjoy, treat yourself to a few things you’ve always wanted and focus on your positive qualities.

3.       Embrace distraction  

It’s normal to want to hide away at home when we’re not feeling 100%. Staying away from social events and the like can seem sensible, often because we’re feeling underconfident and therefore don’t want to spend time with or even around others. Getting out and about is vital to your recovery, however, not just because it’ll help you regain your confidence, but will also result in you having less time to ruminate.

When we’re finding things difficult, time to think can be extremely detrimental. We tend to assume the worst and this can lead to feelings of hopelessness. By keeping ourselves busy, our minds are occupied making such harmful thoughts significantly less likely. What’s more, by investing time in our friends or at the gym, there are other obvious benefits too.

Author bio:

Jay Williams works for Quickie Divorce, and online business providing low-cost divorce solutions to people throughout the UK.

Fidelity Series: 10 Signs Your Partner Might be Cheating on You

Sadly, an unfaithful partner has burned many of us who long for monogamous relationships. At one moment everything seems amazing between the two of you and the next, you’re telling them to pack their bags. But weren’t there signs? Yes, there were. Behavior changes in our partners may feel subtle, but they can act as huge red flags that tell us that something is up. Psych2Go has a new list for you: here are 10 signs your partner might be cheating on you.

Of course, everyone may be a little guilty of these behaviors at one time or another, but it’s all about what feels out of place for us and what seems excessive.

1. They’re Obsessed With Their Looks

Has your partner been taking more of an interest in their beauty as of late? Are they hitting way more gym hours than they usually do? Are they making more of a point to show this newfound hotness on their social media? Sure, they might just be doing it for themselves… but their new look might not be just for you. Now remember, loving the gym doesn’t make someone unfaithful. But if someone’s cheating on you, chances are, they’re pumping iron.

2. They’re No Longer Interested in Sex With You

It’s natural for couples to have less sex as their relationship progresses. Most of us know this, and though some of us can’t always have sex with our partners every day, many of us have no problem trying to keep the intimacy alive. But when a partner withdrawals abruptly on sexual activity, they shoot up a huge red flag of infidelity. Partners who constantly refuse or postpone sex may just be saving their sexual energy for another partner.

3. They Are More Attentive to You Than Normal

Just as it can be a warning for a partner to withdraw sexually, it can also be telling when a partner begins to show you a little too much affection. A partner that cheats may give you constant displays of affection and might even want to have sex with you more times in a day than you can take! While some people who cheat lack the cognitive dissonance necessary to feel guilt for their actions, leaving them feeling justified, these affectionate cheaters tend to smother you because they feel guilt for their betrayal.

4. They Constantly Talk Badly About Another Person

You could also just take this at face value: they may just not like that person. But there’s room for judgment here. Is your partner constantly complaining about a co-worker or friend, telling you how gross and unattractive they are? Is that person… not that unattractive? They might be trying to throw off the suspicion that that same person is a secret lover.

5. They are Constantly Arguing With You

Has your partner been constantly picking fights with you? Do they get irritated by things that you say, even after you tell them you don’t mean any harm? They might be showing their softer side to someone else. This behavior can be explained by the resentment a partner feels when they are unhappy in a relationship. They may be comparing you to their newer partner and condemning you for not being like them.

Some cheating partners may even threaten to end the relationship, suggesting breakups in the middle of arguments. This might feel cruel and controlling, but what they really want is for you to agree and break up with them, thus solving the problem they’ve created.

6. They Have Low Self-Esteem

Does your partner seek constant validation? Is the validation you give not enough? Partners with low self-esteem may seek or respond to validation from strangers in regard to their looks and desirability. Interested strangers at bars easily woo these flirty people, as well as appealing Instagram profiles that slide into their DMs. If you don’t tell them on a daily basis that they are your world, they’ll find someone else that does.

7. They get Defensive With Their Social Media and Phones

Yes, we’re all entitled to our privacy. Being in a relationship with someone does not grant you automatic access to their phone and social media passwords. But are they a little too guarded about their screens? If a partner works to ensure you don’t see who or what they text or gets snappy with you when you glance at their screen, it might just be because there’s something there they don’t want you to see.

8. They Get Texts at Odd Hours From Strange Numbers

Isn’t it nice to watch a movie with your significant other on their nice 15-inch laptop? Trust me, it’s not so nice when an iMessage pops up from a random phone number asking your partner “How’s your night going?”. Because we all know that no platonic friend is asking your partner “how their night is going” at 1 am. Does their phone light up with messages from unlisted numbers and “friends” you’ve never heard of until now? Your partner probably has some explaining to do.

9. They Project Their Behavior Onto You

Mirroring is a common defense mechanism that many people use to ease themselves of their wrongdoings. People who mirror project their mistakes or undesirable traits onto other people, enabling them to condemn the things they don’t like about themselves, without having to feel any real shame. People who cheat may mirror their behavior onto you by accusing you of cheating. This can be brought up as a serious accusation, or even a repeated joke.

10. Your Intuition is Telling You Something Is Wrong

This sounds a little vague. But it’s true! No one knows the inner workings of your relationship better than you do. When your partner’s overall demeanor – and the feeling you get from your relationship – changes, there’s no one better than you to understand that something is up. Listen to your gut. It’s important to remember that you cannot accuse anyone of cheating or dishonesty without any proof, but it’s always a good idea to open up a discussion about how you feel things have been different.

https://psych2go.net/10-signs-your-partner-might-be-cheating-on-you/

How to Begin Again | Beverly Willett | TEDxSavannah

The Stages of Divorce Grief. By J. Hope Suis

Divorce Grief Can Often Feel Like Death  

For many of you, divorce and divorce grief feels like a death. In reality, it was the death of your fairy tale. We know the statistics going in, but we all think we are the exception, our love is real, strong enough, the forever kind. The majority of us believe we will beat the odds. To realize one day that we lost at the table of love is devastating and it affects our brains much like a physical death does. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the Five Stages of Grief as it relates to death. I would like to suggest we experience similar responses when we are first faced with the reality of a divorce.

Denial: Part of Divorce Grief 

We come up with a myriad of reasons to explain why our partner just dropped the D word on us. This cannot be happening to me. Denial is our mind’s way of gradually getting used to the pain. Much like slowly wading into the cold ocean waters, we tiptoe around slowly and tense up as the crashing waves of disbelief wash over us. Denial often shields us from guilt as well. The contributions we have made leading to this outcome may be hard to accept. It is ok to need and request some time to process. It is a life-altering decision, but unfortunately one you must face along with the divorce grief.

Anger: Another Step in Divorce Grief 

If denial is the first sense of loss and helplessness, floating aimlessly in sadness, then anger is the anchor that starts the healing process. We become furious that they would reject our love and commitment to become callous, selfish and dreadful. Anger gives us focus for the tasks ahead. We should not make lasting decisions in the throes of this anger, but it does move us away from despair and points us to the details we need to protect ourselves, our finances and our future. Anger is the catalyst for self-preservation, do not let it turn into bitterness, harness it as an energy resource for challenging days ahead.

There is a fine line between compromise and concession. In a marriage, a basic staple ingredient is effective compromise. If one or both partners fail to recognize and execute this, the partnership will erode quickly. If your spouse has asked you time and again to help with a chore, be more respectful, show more affection, whatever the complaint, and you have dodged and refused for years, it is now too late to show up with a mop, roses or dressed in lingerie, pleading for another chance. You cannot force someone to love or stay with you. You can learn from the experience but never resort to emotional manipulation. It will backfire and still have the same end result.

Depression and Divorce Grief

Depression is the hardest stage to conquer. We hide under the covers, lay in the dark, won’t get out of bed and if we do, it’s to go to the freezer and pull out ice cream to eat directly from the carton. Some people watch sappy love movies, some people call their mother, best friend or the Pizza Hut delivery person. Others lose themselves in work or working out and a few hit the road or hit the bottle. We all react to depression differently, but we all agree on one thing: it hurts.

There is very little we can do except wait it out. If you did not want a divorce, when the reality starts to settle in, the sadness will come. Possibly you will relive the good moments, the fun adventures, the great sex and the thought that the ride is ending makes it hard to breathe. Even if you wanted the divorce, or believed it was the best route to take, there will still be a feeling of regret, wasted time, and loss. Every single one of these emotions and reactions is normal and understandable. I cannot tell you the right way for you to process your pain. I can point out some wrong ways.

Do not retreat away from the rest of the world; at least not for more than a day or two. There is no salvation to be found in your La-Z-Boy. Do not begin a smear campaign against your ex. Do not abuse alcohol or any type of drug, prescription or otherwise. Numbing the pain seems like a good idea, but it isn’t because it will still be waiting when you resurface into consciousness.

What does work? Find someone to talk to, a minister, people who love you, or even a therapist. I will not promise the pain will ever completely dissipate, but I will promise that you will feel better, peaceful, and even joyful again. The motivation will drive you past the depression and down the road to your new future.

Acceptance, Moving through Divorce Grief

We’ve denied it, railed against it, tried to negotiate out of it and cried about it. Enough is enough, you are divorced and you will be ok, accept it. This is the last stage of grief and the first step in the right direction. There are still decisions to be made and obstacles to encounter, but with a clear mind and determination, those will be handled as they arise.

After acceptance of divorce and your divorce grief comes the healing process, there is no pre-designated time for this to take place. Everyone has to heal at their own pace. Do not let friends or family, however well-intentioned, attempt to rush you through. They want to see you happy but understand it looks different for everyone. However, it does take work and responsibility on your part to achieve.

In reality, there are many more than five steps. This is a one-step-in-front-of-the-other process that will have many hills and valleys.The death of a marriage is truly a sad thing, but it does not define your journey. The goal is to make good decisions, keep a cool head and never close off your heart.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/stages-divorce-grief/

How to practice emotional first aid | Guy Winch

Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012

A Guide to Getting Through the Emotions and Pain of Divorce. By Nora Boghossian

As you deal with the emotions and pain of divorce, there are actions you can take to address these feelings and begin the healing process.

The end of a relationship brings forth a multitude of raw, shaky emotions, feelings, pain, and when not addressed it turns into suffering.

We may be triggered by words, sights, sounds when we don’t do the work to release the emotions and pain of divorce fully.

A period of grievance is necessary to fully digest a divorce. Just as we would for any other passing, loss, end. So, too, is the process required to go through during the end of a relationship – divorce, separation, or the end of a committed relationship – in order to be in clarity and reconnect with ourselves again, in order to choose love again and to keep moving on our forward path.

It helps to know that we each have a path to walk on and through, that each of our path is full of lessons. The lessons come in all forms and experiences on all levels – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

When our inward and outward is one, then we are in alignment, centered, grounded vertically, and what happens externally in our horizontal realm does not easily shake us out of our path. Yes we may still be challenged because we are human after all, but we don’t get sucked into so far deep so quickly that we can’t come to the light again. We will be able to rise again. Each time we fall, we will know how to stand again.

Acknowledge and Address Feelings Related to Divorce

So we need to work on ourselves on a deeper level. What does that mean? What does that look like?  Acknowledgement that something is off is key. So when we are aware, it is imperative that we honor that awareness.  The acknowledgment process allows us to address any and all of the feelings and pain of divorce.

The feelings to address may be anger, shock, guilt, sadness, doubt, loneliness, shame, feeling unlovable, lost, unworthy, insecure, loss of trust, disappointment, feeling like we’re not enough, and/or feeling like we’re a failure. These are all stemmed from our fears, conditionings, lack of self-love, lack of self-trust, as well as having dishonored ourselves, our truth, and self-compromise where the commitment to ourselves has been compromised.

One of the fears is that our identity as we had known it has fallen apart, or is no longer. So our mind doesn’t know its function anymore. So we don’t know what to do. This impacts us emotionally and mentally, which then impacts us physically. We feel like we don’t know who we are anymore. In truth, we have forgotten who we are. We forget that we are greater than our experiences such as a divorce. We attach who we are to our human experience instead of who we are at our core. Love. Light. Grace. We have forgotten that we are a Miracle, Blessing, and a Gift, that we have unique gifts to create, collaborate, and share. So having attached ourselves to the form of our external relationship, we feel lost once it ends. We don’t know what to do and what not to do. Constantly judging ourselves. The dialogue is on in our head. We fall into despair, downward spiraling, and the questions begin to swirl.

• What’s wrong with me?
• Why me?
• Why now?
• Why is this happening to me?
• Am I not good enough?
• How am I going to get over this?
• When is this going to end?
• Am I ever going to be OK again?
• Am I ever going to have my life back again?
• Could I have done more?
• Am I ever going to be in a relationship again?

It’s OK to have these thoughts. It’s part of being human.

Free Write Responses to Bring Yourself Clarity

In order to address these questions, one of the many exercises to practice is to free write your responses. This is a way to release what’s in you. Give yourself the sacred space answering these questions without editing, without holding back, without judgment. This helps you get the feelings out. Then you will become present and clarity will rise again. Repetition of this practice as many times as you need it is what carries you to clarity.

Practice Doing Nothing

As you process out the feelings, as they come up, it’s also important to practice doing nothing. This means sitting quietly with your eyes closed so that you may tune out the external more fully and tune into the energy inside of you. Practice being Silent. Breathing. Taking deep breaths. Silence brings forth wisdom, and wisdom unravels clarity. That’s the nature of wisdom. Silence is the frequency from which wisdom is birthed. Wisdom requires us to be quiet and pay attention in order for it to speak to us, and in order for us to hear it well, to tune in, and listen. When we do hear the words of wisdom come through, what comes next is Trusting. Trust is huge. We need to trust what comes through. To trust to the point to which we then begin to take steps towards that trust, that wisdom that’s been delivered to us.

Awareness Is Key

When we take one step, the next step is revealed to us in divine timing. Awareness is key here. When we are aware, our ears are in tune with our soul so we have a deep innate intelligence that’s awake and alert to guide us. As each step is revealed to us, we will acknowledge it. We are in a state of being connected and interconnected. There’s a circling of energy flowing with the higher consciousness.

What happens too with acknowledgement is that we are giving ourselves permission to feel all the gradients of our feelings. We are giving attention to each feeling, which is the beginning. To sit in the pain of divorce and to face it. The work of processing it all through us starts. Since this is deep and intense work, it is important to create a sacred, safe, private space wherein you can dive deep into all the range of emotions freely in a clear and open space, in order to bring them all to completion. So by creating this sanctuary we are able to allow ourselves to be in it, feel it, then we will be ready to release it, to clear it in order to heal it.

Face the Pain of Divorce

So again, in order to get to and be in freedom, first we need to acknowledge our pain. We need to clear our pain in order to heal our pain. We do that by sitting in our pain. Ride it out. Feel it through. Express it out. Giving it the time, space, and attention it needs.

The only way to flush out the feelings that do not serve us, the pain that is keeping us stuck, is to face it and give it the moment, the attention, the acknowledgment that is needed in order to work with it, process it through and out of us.

Otherwise, we leak it everywhere and on everyone since we are holding on to it, carrying it with us throughout our day, day in and day out. We carry the weight of all those feelings, pains, and when avoided and suppressed long enough, they turn to sufferings. The more you hold on to them, the harder it’s going to get to let them go. But with work, it is possible to release them.

This unnecessary hold, this grip will wear us out on all levels. It causes fatigue, aches, and pains on all levels – emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual too. The more you hold onto them, the harder it’s going to get to let them go. But it is possible.

So don’t be surprised, for example, when you wake up tired even though you slept. Sometimes the pain overlaps into our subconscious mind and we experience the pain while we are asleep. That is how we may have dreams of discomfort, sadness, pain, etc. The same feelings we have during our awake life. So, when we have incomplete unsettled feelings and pains we are facing in our wake hours, those remain within us as we go to sleep. So you wake up feeling the impact of it.

As we work on ourselves, we begin to dissolve and lighten ourselves from the feelings and pains energetically and mentally, physically, and spiritually. We begin to rise and reconnect with our higher self, our higher consciousness, and we begin to live from our higher potential.

It’s a matter of being aware of who we are – love and beyond our physical form – on all levels.

As we evolve and grow, new sets of challenges may arise for us to face and overcome. So, it’s an ongoing process. As you may know, the Universe is not concerned with our comfort zone. It works in such a way so that we are learning, growing, evolving, and transforming eternally.

A Different Way of Looking at Yourself and Relationships Will Come

With work, commitment, consistency, compassion and courage, a new and different perspective, a different way of looking at ourselves, at relationships, and at divorce and end of your relationships comes about.

This is what I have learned and I feel the calling to serve you with what I’ve learned, evolved, and transformed in my life too.

I was divorced. I had those feelings. I had those labels. I had those questions. And with the work, commitment, and consistently showing up for myself, I have a new outlook on myself, on my divorce, and end of relationships. So I want to offer the same for you. The two services that I have are a support group only for women on a monthly basis and private one-on-one sessions. When someone is interested in the private sessions, we have a conversation about it in more details.

Commitment: The Most Important Factor to Transform Yourself

The most important factor to transforming ourselves and getting through a divorce, or an end of relationship, is our commitment to ourselves, the consistency to keep committing and recommitting to ourselves, to keep showing up for ourselves. Not just for the sessions but in life itself. Once you have completed your sessions, you will integrate into your life all the wisdom and tools you come away with. This, too, is a process.

The work we are doing is finally giving our pain the attention it has needed in order for it all to clear out of us with respect to the divorce, separation, or end of a committed relationship, so that you may get to heal and recover, reconnect, rejoice, and be free and light again.

What stands in our way of our new possibility is really our own mind, false beliefs, and our limiting ways and what we see ourselves as, our limitations, our identity of who we think we are, our grip and hold on our identity. Our feelings and our collapsing into it over and over again is the vicious cycle, because we haven’t brought them to completion. So that pattern repeats, until we do bring them to completion.

We may feel like our feelings are who we are, but our feelings are just feelings and they pass. They are not who we are.

It may feel that way when you’re in it, living it, breathing it, the pain of it all, and doing so over and over again, cycling back to them again, or being triggered back to them again. And that’s what happens when we don’t clear out what’s there.

So what happens too is when we’re carrying those feelings unresolved we end up manifesting a relationship, a man, or a partner who reflects those unhealed wounds, which are within us and we are faced with them. So they become our lessons.

Be the Queen of Your Life

In order to invoke the King into our life, we have to be the Queen of our life. In order to do that, we have to be able to remove all the blocks within us, all the barriers which keep the man who is a King at bay. We also need to embody the Queen to invoke a king. That means once we’ve cleared our pains, sufferings, and we have healed our wounds, etc., we begin showing up in our own life fully by being and creating all that brings joy into our lives. We have to continue to give attention to our body, mind, and spirit in the way of self-care, and do do so even when we are not in a relationship. To look and feel our best, even when nobody is watching so to speak. To do so for us. Because that tells the universe I’m working on myself. I’m preparing. I’m getting ready. I’m open. I’m available for a relationship again. I am fully connected to the love that I am, again. And we know that – we are ready. We exude a magnetic energy as we practice being in our feminine light.

We practice acceptance, freedom, liberation, rejoicing, and reconnecting to the core and essence of who are – love, light, joy, blessing, and miracle.

The moment we decide we are going to work on ourselves, to get to our clarity, and to reconnect with our highest self again, to choose love again, up comes our fear, resistance, our stories, conditionings, patterns, and issues. It is important to know that this forwarding of our fear is part of the process. It is part of being human. It is our protective mechanism that’s been conditioned over the years. The challenge is to keep on. To commit and recommit to working through all the versions of our emotions and labels of our fears. No matter what shape or form it takes. WE have to keep committing and recommitting to ourselves, so that we are being and living our highest potential.

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/getting-through-emotions-pain-of-divorce/

16 Tips For Dealing With Heartbreak, As Told By Reddit 'Don’t look them up on social media.' By Natasha Hinde

Heartbreak is the worst. You sit around, you cry a lot and your appetite either disappears off the face of the Earth or arrives in full force making you crave allthe sweet things (hello ice cream, my old friend). 

Unfortunately, there’s no foolproof method for dealing with a broken heart. However there are some things you can do to make life a little bit brighter.

Here, Redditors share their tips for surviving a breakup... 

1. “Invest in you, think of a skill you always wished you could have but never seemed possible.”

- moosecakems

2. “Allow yourself to be sad for a while - try not to fight how you feel. Take a good amount of time to be single and feel good as just yourself again. You will feel good again! ‘This too shall pass’ as they say.”

- HeartOfTheForest

3. “Zero contact. Don’t look them up on social media at all, no matter how tempting.”

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA

4. “Step 1. Buy dog. Step 2. Buy more dogs. Step 3. Leave for an hour, come home and enjoy all the kisses.”

- Macgill7

5. “Time, complemented with alcohol, friends and the gym. It’s a combination that’s yet to fail for me.”

- BronusSwagner

6. “Picking up a couple of new hobbies helps distract your mind and gives you a goal that you can aim for, so even if you think things aren’t going well, you can take a step back and see you’re still succeeding at something.

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA

7. “Appreciate it. You’ll only feel that bad a few times in your life, if you’re lucky. It’s one milepost on the continuum of emotions experienced by human beings.”

- LiterallyOuttoLunch

8. “If you have pets, spend some time with them. Watch them follow you around the house, beg for your attention, and other pet stuff. Realise that you’re still very lovable to these intelligent and sweet creatures even though that person didn’t feel the same way. If you don’t have pets, use friends or family. If none of that works, then do a self-love day. Anything to remind yourself that there will be someone else because you’re capable of love/like/contentment.”

- faller675

9. “Just keep yourself busy, don’t sit around and think about it.”

- HawhyE

10. “Random sex and plenty of alcohol.”

- EatingSexually

11. “Ask yourself: Do you really want to be with a person who doesn’t want to be with you?”

- supataranta

12. “Try to focus on yourself and doing things to make each day happy rather than doing things purely in an attempt to show your ex that you’re happy. Big distinction to be made there.”

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA 

13. “Try to see it as a learning experience. I don’t know what happened, but neither of us can change the past so learn from it.”

- Zombysushi

14. “Exercise. it’s a solid antidepressant and once it starts to click that you’re doing something good for yourself, it’ll start to feel better and better.”

- PoopDog77

15. “Control what you can about your environment so you are less likely to wallow or increase your sadness. Change the song, even if it reminds you of happy times or if the lyrics perfectly fit. Drive a new way to work so you don’t pass their mom’s house. Watch conspiracy theory documentaries instead of a romantic comedy.”

- notreallyamango

16. “Listen to 808s and Heartbreak. It fixes everything.”

- PaolaWarbler

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/tips-for-dealing-with-heartbreak-according-to-reddit_uk_591c24cee4b0ed14cddacd7f?utm_hp_ref=uk-break-ups

He Hurt You? 5 Simple Steps to Open Your Heart to Love Again... (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)