How to Release Fear. Gabrielle Bernstein

Recovering From Divorce. By Jay Williams

Recovering from divorce? Here are 3 things you need to do.

Moving on from a divorce is never easy; the recovery process is always testing and time-consuming. Indeed, it can take months or, in some cases, even years before people start to feel anywhere near like they’re getting back to their best. Indeed, there’s no set time, no deadline, for recovery. It’s a gradual process punctuated by good days, bad days, days where you feel numb and days when you don’t want to get out of bed. Emotions of all kinds will come and go; your general mood will oscillate and more. In time, though, you will feel better.

Whilst you’re in the midst of recovering, however, these three things will make the process a lot easier:

1.       Learn to let things go

This will sound cliched but holding on to negative feelings – particularly those relating to your former spouse – is certain to halt the recovery process. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s a vital life skill and, trust me, once you’ve learnt how to let go, you’ll realise just how much it’s going to help you recover and move on.

There’s a famous quote, often attributed to Buddha (though this is widely disputed), that goes: “holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die” and it perfectly exemplifies why learning to let go is so important: if you don’t, you’ll be hurting no one but yourself.

2.       Be kind to yourself

We’ve all made mistakes and, sometimes, we need to spend a little bit of time thinking about them to ensure that a lesson’s learnt. All too often, though, we take this too far: chastising and beating ourselves up when, if we saw a friend or even acquaintance doing the same thing to themselves, we’d tell them that they were needlessly beating themselves up.

Yes, it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but the mistake’s already been made, and lessons have already been learned. Make a conscious effort to be kind to yourself: do things you enjoy, treat yourself to a few things you’ve always wanted and focus on your positive qualities.

3.       Embrace distraction  

It’s normal to want to hide away at home when we’re not feeling 100%. Staying away from social events and the like can seem sensible, often because we’re feeling underconfident and therefore don’t want to spend time with or even around others. Getting out and about is vital to your recovery, however, not just because it’ll help you regain your confidence, but will also result in you having less time to ruminate.

When we’re finding things difficult, time to think can be extremely detrimental. We tend to assume the worst and this can lead to feelings of hopelessness. By keeping ourselves busy, our minds are occupied making such harmful thoughts significantly less likely. What’s more, by investing time in our friends or at the gym, there are other obvious benefits too.

Author bio:

Jay Williams works for Quickie Divorce, and online business providing low-cost divorce solutions to people throughout the UK.

Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012

Disrupting the Divorce Experience. Defining Your Next Chapter. | Sadie Bjornstad | TEDxOakParkWomen

Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Your Divorce. BY CHARLOTTE ANDERSEN

Ending an unhappy marriage doesn't make you damaged goods — it means you're smart and strong enough to make a better life for yourself.

When Ellen Myers finalized her divorce in 2013 she felt an overwhelming sense of freedom — and a deep sense of shame. "It was a weird time," she recalls. "On one hand I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time, I didn't want anyone to know."

The Colorado mom had married young, at just 18, and had children right away. Like many divorced people, she felt embarrassed that she hadn't been able to make her marriage last. She became convinced her friends and family were all silently thinking, I told you this would never work. But worse were the slights she dealt with in public — glances at her empty ring finger, a lack of invitations from former friends, and, most troublingly, a pointed remark from a clergy member at her church, who read Myers discouraging stats about children of divorce, then suggested she continue to endure her abusive situation for her kids' sake. She even faced rejection from a potential landlord after disclosing that she was a single mother who relied on child support for income.

"He told me he never rented to single moms because the 'deadbeat dads' didn't pay up and he 'didn't need that kind of drama'," Myers recalls. "It was awful. Even though I knew, deep down, I'd made the best choice for me and my children, it was hard not to feel like I'd failed."

Myers isn't the only woman who has struggled with feelings of shame about her split. Despite the ubiquity of divorce — just over half of marriages will make it to the 20-year mark, according to the most recent data from the National Survey of Family Growth — there is still a lingering stigma that many people, especially women, face, says Anita C. Savage, a divorce and family law attorney at GoransonBain.

"I;ve seen countless clients who feel stigmatized by their divorce. In fact, despite my profession, I was one of them," she admits. "I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell my friends and family that I could not make my marriage work."

And while it's perfectly normal to feel that way, Savage says, shame should never enter into the picture. Getting divorced doesn't mean you're "dumb" or "damaged goods."

"Even 'good' people face divorce, by choice or because of their spouse's decision, but the divorce itself does not reflect who that person is or what that person stands for," she says. "For a variety of innocuous reasons and despite their best attempts, two emotionally healthy and functioning people sometimes cannot make their marriage work."

Not only is divorce not a commentary on your personal worth, it can actually show the world just how strong you are, says Nanda Davis, Esq., a specialist in divorce and family law and president of the Roanoke chapter of the Virginia Women Attorney's Association. "Divorcing a spouse takes a lot of courage," she says. It involves being honest and publicly open about very painful personal topics and standing up for your and your children's needs — all tough things to do, she adds.

Divorce is ultimately about getting a fresh start, and wanting a better life is nothing to be ashamed of, says Kathryn Smerling, Ph.D., a family therapist and divorce expert. "Some people still think that you should stay married just for the sake of it, even if you're unhappy. But why would you do that?" she asks.

On an intellectual level, these messages seem easy enough to grasp. So why do so many people still feel like Myers? Although social stigma is certainly still a factor (case in point: Myers's pastor), it's fading from what it was several generations ago. (A Gallup poll conducted earlier this year determined that 73 percent of American adults believe divorce is "morally acceptable," compared to 59 percent in 2001.)

According to Savage, it's because divorced women often end up blaming themselves for the end of their marriages. "The good will we're willing to give to others experiencing a divorce is something we haven't provided to ourselves," she explains. "We believe that our failed marriage means we have failed as a human being, as a partner, and as a parent who wanted to provide their child with an example of what a long and successful marriage looks like."

They key to overcoming these painful feelings is to give yourself a break, she says. Tune out negative self-talk by surrounding yourself with supportive people, whether that's family, friends, a church group, or even a divorce recovery group where you can talk it out. There's great relief in discussing your questions and concerns with people who have been there too — plus it helps others overcome their own sense of shame and embarrassment, Savage says.

If you're really struggling to shake negative feelings after a divorce, Smerling recommends connecting with a therapist. "Unresolved feelings of shame and guilt can lead to depression and feelings of paralysis," she says. "So if you're feeling that way, it's important to go seek professional help."

For Myers, time has been the most important part of her healing process. Nearly four years after her divorce, "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time," she says. "Now my life is so much better, both for me and my kids, and I've discovered I'm stronger than I ever knew — and that's something I'm immensely proud of."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/a59810/coping-with-divorce/

Dating After Divorce: Be Careful About How You Tell Your Kids! By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially when children are involved. Moving on after divorce can also be challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as well as with your children.

Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your marriage. Having seen that relationship fail can make you insecure about facing new relationships ahead. But if you take the time to go within, learn from your mistakes, understand the lessons from your marriage and determine new ways to approach future relationships, at some point you will feel ready to step back out into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of breaking the news to your children.

Be Sensitive and Empathic!

Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to talk to them about your starting to date. The rapport you have with them and closeness within your own relationship with the kids will also play a part in this difficult conversation.

Remember, your children are smarter than you think. They can pick up on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to be honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential partner into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions on this topic.

Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about yourself and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind them how much you love them, how important they are in your life, and that dating has nothing to do with replacing them – ever! Explain that you will still be the attentive parent you’ve always been and that they always come first in your life. Be very clear that no one will ever replace their other parent either!

You may need to have this conversation many times over several weeks or months to give your kids time to digest the concept and express how they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to ask questions and share their opinions. Be patient and understanding of their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

Be Selective in Choosing Partners!

Don’t introduce your children to every new person you date. You can let them know that you are going out with friends every once in a while, if they ask, but don’t bring causal relationship partners into their world. This can be confusing for children and disappointing for them if the new partner they meet disappears or gets replaced a few weeks or months later.

When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short intervals together and let the exposure build over time. Ask the kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened by the thought they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger. How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with the children. So be careful, considerate and empathic in all your actions. Needless to say, make sure you choose a partner who treats your children well.

Children who have close relationships with both biological parents are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives without distress. Because they feel safe in their relationship with Mom and Dad, they are less likely to be threatened by a new adult entering the picture. When one biological parent disrespects and disparages the other parent, it puts the children on the defensive, making them much more likely to reject a new relationship partner entering the family dynamic.

So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce. Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will be affecting your children. Putting yourself in their place will give you insight into what it can be like to find Mom or Dad with a new partner. Talking with a therapist or relationship coach can be quite helpful as you transition into this next phase of your life.

***        ***        ***

Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed guidebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! It can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents are all available at http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind’s advice on dating after divorce and free dating tip sheet are at: www.womendatingafter40.com.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/05/dating-after-divorce-be-careful-about-how-you-tell-your-kids/

How to break up and move on

What am I up against?

It’s hard to let go of a relationship after investing so much of yourself into it. Very often you still feel connected to them, and it can even feel a bit like they are still a part of you in some way. So seeing your ex with someone else can sometimes feel incredibly painful.

How do I deal with it?

If they ended it

If you’re still emotionally attached when the relationship ends, you may find it hard to feel a sense of closure. This can make it really difficult to form new, quality relationships (Wilson, 2008). Understanding why the relationship ended and why it didn’t work out can help you let go of lingering feelings.

In the first instance, try asking your ex why they ended it. Allow them to speak and resist the temptation to defend yourself. Keep it light and explain from the outset that all you want from the conversation is closure. Ex-partners may feel that you want to meet as part of a ploy to reignite the relationship, so set it squarely and maybe ask to meet in a public place like a coffee shop to make your intentions clear.

Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship

One way to let go of an emotional attachment to an ex-partner is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help with reducing the attachment to previous partners.

Timing is quite crucial here; moving on before you gain closure could mean that your emotions are out of kilter. Sometimes after a relationship, you need a little time to rediscover your own identity.  If you aren’t yet happy in yourself, you may struggle to form a new partnership. However, if the time is right for you, considering potential romantic opportunities might be what you need to move on. One Canadian study found that “focussing on specific new relationship options can decrease attachment to an ex-partner for anxiously attached individuals” (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009).

Take a break from online social networks

Before you can cope with the idea of your partner with someone else, you’re probably going to need a bit of time. If you can avoid seeing them in the meantime, then that’s going to serve you well. However, if your Facebook page and other social networks are going to keep shoving it in your face, then the temptation to scroll through your ex’s photos might prove too great. It may be worth blocking them for a while, or even taking a break from social networks for a few weeks. You can always reactivate your account once you feel ready.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/how-to-break-up-and-move-on/

What are the Seven Stages of Divorce Recovery? By Allison Pescosolido, M.A

While divorce is unpredictable, understanding the general phases of divorce will give you a sense of what you can expect.

There are many ups and downs with divorce along with push and pull. It can feel like you are all over the place both emotionally and mentally. While divorce is unpredictable, it can help to understand the general phases of divorce to give you a sense of what you can expect. The seven phases in divorce recovery are not always linear, but you can expect to pass through most of them during the divorce transition.

Divorce Recovery Phase One: The Trauma

No matter how it begins – with an affair, a phone call, a pile of divorce papers left on the table or a mysterious text – divorce can have a traumatic affect. While the majority of divorce circumstances are not life threatening, the ending of a marriage can be excruciating. The sooner you admit that the initial divorce event is traumatic, the better off you’ll be – but not everyone can do this right away. Which brings us to Stage Two.

Divorce Recovery Phase Two: Shock and Denial

Few individuals are prepared for the shock of divorce. Many people try to cover up their initial shock by staying busy, refusing to cry, and carrying on “like normal.” This ultimately takes the shape of denial, an adaptive response to the painful reality, but unsustainable. If you begin neglecting self care, feeling stressed almost constantly without cause, and eating more or less than usual, you may be in shock or denial. This is, in fact, normal—you’re beginning the grieving process. But keep in mind that this won’t last.

Divorce Recovery Phase Three: Anger

Suddenly, you don’t feel “fine” anymore – you’re mad as hell. You begin to look for someone to blame for your trauma – and with the divorce, the most obvious object is the Ex (though not always). You begin thinking obsessively about the object of your anger. If it’s a person, you might find you’re stalking their Facebook profile, calling or texting them incessantly, or finding other ways to engage them. Some anger is normal, but if you find yourself unable to get over your anger, seek professional help. Otherwise, your outbursts may continue to trigger the pain of the original trauma, and you’ll be stuck cycling through the first three phases.

Divorce Recovery Phase Four: Sadness

Sadness is healthy and normal, as it marks the beginning of acceptance and moving on. Here, you can admit feelings of loss, without placing blame. During this time, you wish to grieve in the company of friends or a professional, or prefer to be alone. Whatever you do, allow yourself time to move through this phase without responding to inner or outer pressure to “just buck up.” However, keep watch for signs of lingering depression.

Divorce Recovery Phase Five: Acceptance

Here, you will begin to feel that “everything is going to be okay.” You no longer feel the need to pretend that you’re not hurt, but nor do you fantasize about destroying your Ex’s life, or stay in every weekend night. You are ready to begin rebuilding your life – as an individual with new and even exciting choices.

Divorce Recovery Phase Six: Accountability

To build a new future, you must take responsibility for your past. You begin to realize that you could have listened more, or criticized less. As you begin to contemplate dating, or even falling in love again, you will find yourself re-examining the past – and yourself – in a new light, and eagerly looking for ways to do it better next time.

Divorce Recovery Phase Seven: Self-Discovery and Enlightenment

After divorce, everyone has the potential to understand themselves as never before – what makes them happy, angry, and sad. A reserve of untapped potential and wisdom often lies trapped behind the tension of your past relationships. Here, you may experiment with new styles of expression, from opening up more to your partner to taking up traveling or painting. If there’s any reason to push through anger and sadness, it’s to find this gold at the end of the rainbow.

And again, if you find yourself stuck along the way, get a Divorce Detox™. There’s no shame in it. After all, you’ve been through a trauma. And no one should have to suffer a trauma alone.

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Allison Pescosolido, M.A., is a divorce recovery specialist with advanced degrees in Psychology and certified Grief Recovery Specialist. She located in Santa Monica, California and provides programs to individuals who are facing the challenges that come with separation and divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/what-are-the-seven-stages-of-divorce-recovery/

Uma Thurman's Raw, Relatable Post-Divorce Interview | The Oprah Winfrey Show | Oprah Winfrey Network

Women Getting Over A Marriage Break Up - Tips To Moving On. By Suzy Weiss

Women getting over a marriage break up is never easy. Maybe once in your life you thought you have found the right person to grow old with. You marry each other, and you live a good life together for a few months or years. Then unexpected things will happen. You try counseling to make things work. Yet you still can't fix the issues within the marriage. The only solution you could think about is parting ways.

If it's a separation for two people who once loved each other dearly, it's an emotional turmoil. As they say, not all relationships are meant to last. At some point, you have to let go of the marriage, especially when things don't work anymore. Forcing a relationship to work out can sometimes do more harm than good. If you just came from a marriage breakup, the following steps could help you in moving on after divorce or splitting up.

1. Acknowledge that both you and your spouse had a problem. Now is the best time to process everything. There is no shortcut in forgetting someone. There is no easy way to move on after your marriage is over. Accept the fact that both you and your ex-husband contributed to the demise of your marriage. A relationship involves two people. Don't blame it all to yourself and don't point your finger to anybody else.

2. Cry your heart out. Keeping all your anger, heartache and other emotions bottled up will do you no good. You need to let them loose. If you feel the need to cry, then do so. Don't ever think that you should not cry over your ex-husband. Crying may not solve anything, however, it can make you feel better. This is an excellent tip in Women getting over a marriage break up.

3. Admit to yourself that you two have split up for good. You need to wake up to the reality that you can no longer turn back time. Your relationship has come to an end. Deal with it and try to move on. Living in the past would only keep you from recovering from a marriage break up.

4. Ask your family members for support. Your family are the ones you can turn to during these difficult times. They can provide encouragement for you to be able to get over a divorce. You also need to spend more time with yourself. Now that you are single again, start focusing on yourself more.

5. Talk to your friends about what happened. Spill out all your emotional pains you have been harboring with your friends. You need someone who would listen and sympathize with you. Your friends can also help cheer you up. Hang out with them more, and enjoy your newfound single status.

6. Take up a new hobby. Have you always wanted to play golf or tennis, but was unable to when you were married? Well, now is the perfect time to learn the sport. Engage yourself in a new hobby. Try new things that would keep yourself preoccupied. Go to places you like or have always been dreaming of visiting. Simply enjoy your new life as a single woman.

7. Don't give up on love. Women getting over a marriage break up may take you more time before you start dating again. You need to heal first before you go out there and meet new guys. But be sure that you don't hate love or relationships because your marriage did not work out. The right guy is just out there waiting for you.

https://articlebliss.com/Article/647838/Women-Getting-Over-A-Marriage-Break-Up-Tips-To-Moving-On.html

Starting Over After Heartbreak

The Perks of Being Divorced. Explore the New You as One of the Perks of Being Divorced By Wendi Schuller

When in the throes of a difficult divorce, it is hard to imagine that life may get better. One is focusing on losses and not anticipating that there are some gains as well. The adage “every cloud has a silver lining” does ring true. Post-divorce, many of us discovered that there were more silver linings than storm clouds, and there are perks of being divorced.

One woman I interviewed, said that she is now “the CEO” of her house. She repainted, rearranged, and planted an extensive garden. Whatever she feels like doing (within her budget), she does it. When married, this woman had to run ideas by her autocratic spouse. Another person adopted a cat as soon as the divorce was finalized. Their former spouse had loathed felines. Men have echoed similar sentiments. They got back into sports, which was fun and resulted in a physically fit body.

Explore a New Career or Head out on Spontaneous Adventures Post-Divorce 

Post-divorce instead of focusing on loss, think of life as a change with new opportunities to reinvent yourself. A divorced friend said that she is “captain of her own ship.” For the first time, she feels that she is totally in charge of her life. Steer your course on unchartered waters – possibly by changing careers. Some of us have become writers and painters in our newly solo lives.

Instead of dwelling on the negatives, re-frame your thoughts to something more positive. I did not realize how drained I was during my marriage trying to please a hostile mother-in-law. The energy I exerted on her is put to better use post-divorce. My social life has expanded and I have time to volunteer. Think about relationships that consumed your time when married. Some of these individuals may be dropped and replaced with positive ones who are supportive.

Being in a troubled marriage can divert attention away from the children. As one of the perks of being divorced, I was able to get to know my sons on a deeper level in my more relaxed state. When trying to hold things together in my unhappy marriage, I only asked the boys superficial questions. Becoming closer to my sons before the empty nest occurred was the most important perk of my divorce.

Travel can be more spontaneous after a divorce when not having to match your time off from work with someone else. A few days ago, I met a divorced pal at a coffee shop. We talked about how one river cruise company was running a 2 for the price of 1 special with free airfare. Neither of us have been to Ukraine, and within a half hour we were all set to go on a river cruise around the Black Sea. This was a repeat from two years prior while sitting at that coffee shop, when we booked a river cruise through Germany. I do not have to check in with anyone else when making on the spot travel arrangements and grabbing bargain rates.

Perks of Being Divorced: Reconnect with Family

Yes, not having a double income is unsettling at times. My sons and I have attained wisdom after divorce and discovered that we do not need a lot of stuff or the latest technology. We prefer to buy minimally and savor experiences over material goods. Our priorities shifted. I have listened to so many stories from others about how divorce forced them to look into themselves and produce rewarding changes. Consider how your divorce can be a catalyst for making adjustments in your life and experience the perks of being divorced.

If you are struggling, consider putting in writing what you are grateful for post-divorce. Jot down how life is better, no matter if it is trivial. Being able to avoid cooking meals by picking up healthy take away has made it on some divorced people’s lists. Writing in a journal is therapeutic. One can look back and see how they have healed or made progress. If you see only negatives, that is what you will find. If you choose to look upon the bright side of life, that is what you will discover post-divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/the-perks-of-being-divorced/

Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel

How to Start a New Life after Divorce - Starting Over

Why I Admire Gwyneth’s 'Give It A Go' Attitude To Her Second Marriage by Rachel Taylor

After the “conscious uncoupling” (i.e. separating) announcement a few years ago, we are probably quick to cringe at Gwyneth Paltrow’s choice of words. So, when last week she said she was going to “give [marriage] a go” again, maybe we rolled our eyes a bit and thought the words told us everything we needed to know about typical celebrity flippant-ness towards the union.

But I don’t think anyone approaches marriage without a big, heavy dose of seriousness. Starting with the tens of thousands invested in the wedding itself and followed by the hardly unambitious goal of living happily ever after, it couldn’t be much more loaded.

So, if like me, you know what it feels like to embark on a second marriage, you might think that “give it a go” instills a bit of refreshing lightness into proceedings - and that, in my view, is heartily helpful for anyone starting again.

Why?

First of all, “give it a go” means having the courage to try – and fail - again

Gwyneth has spoken about overcoming feelings of failure resulting from her divorce. Any marriage - celebrity or not - that doesn’t work out feels like very public failure. Most of us don’t have to endure having our marriage breakdown discussed online, but we still feel that everyone (from the school gate acquaintances to your parents’ friends and distant relatives) is talking about it and speculating on what went wrong.

And that’s all just amplified when you do it a second time. I remember a twice-divorced friend ruefully telling me to be “sure” when I embarked on No. 2, because “people forgive you your first divorce, but the second is definitely you”. Unfortunately those words, and knowing that many would brand me a failure, only made me resist for far too long the difficult truth that I had to leave my second husband.

Second, “give it a go” is realistic

While we may be older and wiser, sadly the odds of “not-first” marriages lasting are against us, with an estimated 67% of second and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce.

There are lots of reasons why. For a start, children (usually from a first marriage) create glue and a shared bond. One of the saddest things about a divorce is that you no longer have someone to share your limitless (and often pretty boring to others) interest in your children. This unconditional love (and the inevitable time and attention involved) is a complicated rift to navigate with a new partner because it is so hard for them not to feel excluded.

Another thing is that while an early marriage sees us growing up and moulding together, when we are older compromise is less easy. Prue Leith, for example, has spoken about how she favours living separately (usually not financially an option but one that many of us can see the attraction of) from her second husband so that she can live the way she wants to and doesn’t have to put up with his “clobber”.

Third, “give it a go” acknowledges that we don’t know what life will throw at us

I hope Gwyneth’s second shot at marriage goes well but if it doesn’t, it may well be little to do with “her” or “him” and be simply because difficult stuff happens in life. Disability is one of the things that makes divorce more likely. Redundancy (not likely, I know, to hit Gwyneth) can also increase the odds of divorce. These things are out of our control but put massive pressure on a relationship through absolutely no fault of our own.

Despite all this, I take inspiration from of friend of mine’s mother who, now in her mid-80s, finally found lasting happiness in her fourth marriage with a man she met on the internet ten years ago. If she hadn’t kept “giving it a go”, she would be alone and lonely. Instead, to the joy of her children, she is happier than she has ever been.

I haven’t given up on love and hope one day to be married again and if I do, I’ll be going into it with Gwyneth’s realistic words ringing joyfully in my ears. And that, I think, will be giving it the best chance of success.https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/why-i-admire-gwyneths-give-it-a-go-attitude-to-her-second-marriage_uk_5a5c9e2be4b003efadb6afa6?utm_hp_ref=uk-marriage

How to get self-esteem back, by Mastin Kipp

7 Steps To Deciding If Divorce Is Right For You By Joy Cipoletti for DivorcedMoms.co

I wrote an article recently about the long and winding road I took to deciding to divorce. Although I think every step on that road was necessary, it might have been an easier and quicker journey if I’d had a few tools and tips to ease the decision-making process. If you’re still on the fence about divorce, here’s what I wish I’d known:

1. If the relationship is not working for both of you, it’s not working. That’s true for marriage or any other relationship. Women tend to put their needs on the back burner and do what it takes to make their husbands happy, especially once children come along. But marriage is relationship, which means it needs to work for both of you. If it’s not, it’s time to do something different. This might mean divorce, but don’t jump there immediately. The first step is getting honest with yourself (and then your spouse) about what you want. Becoming more authentic and voicing your needs might change things for the better. It’s worth a try.

2. Confusion can be a gift. If you’re not sure, don’t try to force a decision. Clarity will come more easily if you relax. Get the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mona Kirshenbaum. Read it, and answer the questions. It’s an objective assessment that can help you gain clarity.

3. If you find yourself wishing he would die on a business trip, or if you’re planning a murder and hoping not to get caught, it’s a strong sign you need a change. Don’t do anything irreversible (like go through with the murder), but don’t spend your life wishing fate would change it for you. Take action to change what you can.

4. Try everything you can before divorcing. It’s better to try now than to subject yourself to “what ifs” down the road. What have you got to lose? (Caveat: if you or your children are in physical danger, don’t keep trying –- safety first!) If you’ve tried everything and nothing’s changed, you have your answer.

5. Choose life and health — for yourself and your children. Sometimes divorce is a selfish and short-sighted choice. But sometimes it’s a choice for life and health. Your inner guidance will know the difference if you take a little time to get quiet and honest with yourself. If you know you need to leave, see it as a life-affirming choice, not a mean action or a sin.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to set someone free -– whether that’s you, your spouse, or your family dynamics. Reframing the decision in this way — “What’s the most loving choice I can make in this situation?” — can often bring clarity. Just don’t confuse love with guilt or self-sacrifice. Real love is often painful, but feels light and open, not heavy and burdensome.

6. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Sometimes physical symptoms or signals can send messages that our rational minds can’t hear. I recently heard Dr. Lissa Rankin talk about how she would break out in hives whenever she kissed her former husband. That’s a pretty obvious symptom. You might not have anything that obvious, but you can still use your body as a compass.

See what happens in your body when you think about being married until your children graduate from high school or until death do you part. Does your body contract, feel tight, close in? Does your head hurt, or your stomach? Those reactions may be signs that marriage as it currently is, isn’t working. If your body feels open, expansive, like you have room to breathe, then your marriage may have a lot going for it that you can build on.

7. Ask yourself if you would want one of your children to be in a marriage like yours. If the answer is “no,” that might be a sign that staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad idea. If you don’t respect yourself enough to take action on your own behalf, your children may provide stronger motivation. If you want them to have a different kind of relationship, you need to model it for them. Otherwise they’ll repeat what they have learned from watching you and your spouse.

No matter what anyone else thinks, it’s your life, so you get to decide. You and your children will live with the consequences, not your friends, family or professionals. So you need to be ready if you decide to divorce. No matter how much you think you want someone else to tell you what to do, if you’re not ready, you won’t hear it. And if you’re not ready, it won’t matter if everyone is on “your” side.

I had several professionals suggest divorce way before I was ready. And I had a lot of friends and family members over the years wonder why I stayed. But when it came time to take action, it didn’t matter if the whole world was lined up on my side. I was the one who had to take the actions and follow through. And I couldn’t do that until I was ready. You won’t either, no matter what anyone else says.7 Steps To Deciding If Divorce Is Right For You

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