Recovering From Divorce. By Jay Williams

Recovering from divorce? Here are 3 things you need to do.

Moving on from a divorce is never easy; the recovery process is always testing and time-consuming. Indeed, it can take months or, in some cases, even years before people start to feel anywhere near like they’re getting back to their best. Indeed, there’s no set time, no deadline, for recovery. It’s a gradual process punctuated by good days, bad days, days where you feel numb and days when you don’t want to get out of bed. Emotions of all kinds will come and go; your general mood will oscillate and more. In time, though, you will feel better.

Whilst you’re in the midst of recovering, however, these three things will make the process a lot easier:

1.       Learn to let things go

This will sound cliched but holding on to negative feelings – particularly those relating to your former spouse – is certain to halt the recovery process. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s a vital life skill and, trust me, once you’ve learnt how to let go, you’ll realise just how much it’s going to help you recover and move on.

There’s a famous quote, often attributed to Buddha (though this is widely disputed), that goes: “holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die” and it perfectly exemplifies why learning to let go is so important: if you don’t, you’ll be hurting no one but yourself.

2.       Be kind to yourself

We’ve all made mistakes and, sometimes, we need to spend a little bit of time thinking about them to ensure that a lesson’s learnt. All too often, though, we take this too far: chastising and beating ourselves up when, if we saw a friend or even acquaintance doing the same thing to themselves, we’d tell them that they were needlessly beating themselves up.

Yes, it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but the mistake’s already been made, and lessons have already been learned. Make a conscious effort to be kind to yourself: do things you enjoy, treat yourself to a few things you’ve always wanted and focus on your positive qualities.

3.       Embrace distraction  

It’s normal to want to hide away at home when we’re not feeling 100%. Staying away from social events and the like can seem sensible, often because we’re feeling underconfident and therefore don’t want to spend time with or even around others. Getting out and about is vital to your recovery, however, not just because it’ll help you regain your confidence, but will also result in you having less time to ruminate.

When we’re finding things difficult, time to think can be extremely detrimental. We tend to assume the worst and this can lead to feelings of hopelessness. By keeping ourselves busy, our minds are occupied making such harmful thoughts significantly less likely. What’s more, by investing time in our friends or at the gym, there are other obvious benefits too.

Author bio:

Jay Williams works for Quickie Divorce, and online business providing low-cost divorce solutions to people throughout the UK.

7 Things Mentally Strong People Avoid

Disrupting the Divorce Experience. Defining Your Next Chapter. | Sadie Bjornstad | TEDxOakParkWomen

16 Tips For Dealing With Heartbreak, As Told By Reddit 'Don’t look them up on social media.' By Natasha Hinde

Heartbreak is the worst. You sit around, you cry a lot and your appetite either disappears off the face of the Earth or arrives in full force making you crave allthe sweet things (hello ice cream, my old friend). 

Unfortunately, there’s no foolproof method for dealing with a broken heart. However there are some things you can do to make life a little bit brighter.

Here, Redditors share their tips for surviving a breakup... 

1. “Invest in you, think of a skill you always wished you could have but never seemed possible.”

- moosecakems

2. “Allow yourself to be sad for a while - try not to fight how you feel. Take a good amount of time to be single and feel good as just yourself again. You will feel good again! ‘This too shall pass’ as they say.”

- HeartOfTheForest

3. “Zero contact. Don’t look them up on social media at all, no matter how tempting.”

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA

4. “Step 1. Buy dog. Step 2. Buy more dogs. Step 3. Leave for an hour, come home and enjoy all the kisses.”

- Macgill7

5. “Time, complemented with alcohol, friends and the gym. It’s a combination that’s yet to fail for me.”

- BronusSwagner

6. “Picking up a couple of new hobbies helps distract your mind and gives you a goal that you can aim for, so even if you think things aren’t going well, you can take a step back and see you’re still succeeding at something.

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA

7. “Appreciate it. You’ll only feel that bad a few times in your life, if you’re lucky. It’s one milepost on the continuum of emotions experienced by human beings.”

- LiterallyOuttoLunch

8. “If you have pets, spend some time with them. Watch them follow you around the house, beg for your attention, and other pet stuff. Realise that you’re still very lovable to these intelligent and sweet creatures even though that person didn’t feel the same way. If you don’t have pets, use friends or family. If none of that works, then do a self-love day. Anything to remind yourself that there will be someone else because you’re capable of love/like/contentment.”

- faller675

9. “Just keep yourself busy, don’t sit around and think about it.”

- HawhyE

10. “Random sex and plenty of alcohol.”

- EatingSexually

11. “Ask yourself: Do you really want to be with a person who doesn’t want to be with you?”

- supataranta

12. “Try to focus on yourself and doing things to make each day happy rather than doing things purely in an attempt to show your ex that you’re happy. Big distinction to be made there.”

- PM_ME_CUPS_OF_TEA 

13. “Try to see it as a learning experience. I don’t know what happened, but neither of us can change the past so learn from it.”

- Zombysushi

14. “Exercise. it’s a solid antidepressant and once it starts to click that you’re doing something good for yourself, it’ll start to feel better and better.”

- PoopDog77

15. “Control what you can about your environment so you are less likely to wallow or increase your sadness. Change the song, even if it reminds you of happy times or if the lyrics perfectly fit. Drive a new way to work so you don’t pass their mom’s house. Watch conspiracy theory documentaries instead of a romantic comedy.”

- notreallyamango

16. “Listen to 808s and Heartbreak. It fixes everything.”

- PaolaWarbler

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/tips-for-dealing-with-heartbreak-according-to-reddit_uk_591c24cee4b0ed14cddacd7f?utm_hp_ref=uk-break-ups

How to break up and move on

What am I up against?

It’s hard to let go of a relationship after investing so much of yourself into it. Very often you still feel connected to them, and it can even feel a bit like they are still a part of you in some way. So seeing your ex with someone else can sometimes feel incredibly painful.

How do I deal with it?

If they ended it

If you’re still emotionally attached when the relationship ends, you may find it hard to feel a sense of closure. This can make it really difficult to form new, quality relationships (Wilson, 2008). Understanding why the relationship ended and why it didn’t work out can help you let go of lingering feelings.

In the first instance, try asking your ex why they ended it. Allow them to speak and resist the temptation to defend yourself. Keep it light and explain from the outset that all you want from the conversation is closure. Ex-partners may feel that you want to meet as part of a ploy to reignite the relationship, so set it squarely and maybe ask to meet in a public place like a coffee shop to make your intentions clear.

Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship

One way to let go of an emotional attachment to an ex-partner is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help with reducing the attachment to previous partners.

Timing is quite crucial here; moving on before you gain closure could mean that your emotions are out of kilter. Sometimes after a relationship, you need a little time to rediscover your own identity.  If you aren’t yet happy in yourself, you may struggle to form a new partnership. However, if the time is right for you, considering potential romantic opportunities might be what you need to move on. One Canadian study found that “focussing on specific new relationship options can decrease attachment to an ex-partner for anxiously attached individuals” (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009).

Take a break from online social networks

Before you can cope with the idea of your partner with someone else, you’re probably going to need a bit of time. If you can avoid seeing them in the meantime, then that’s going to serve you well. However, if your Facebook page and other social networks are going to keep shoving it in your face, then the temptation to scroll through your ex’s photos might prove too great. It may be worth blocking them for a while, or even taking a break from social networks for a few weeks. You can always reactivate your account once you feel ready.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/how-to-break-up-and-move-on/

What are the Seven Stages of Divorce Recovery? By Allison Pescosolido, M.A

While divorce is unpredictable, understanding the general phases of divorce will give you a sense of what you can expect.

There are many ups and downs with divorce along with push and pull. It can feel like you are all over the place both emotionally and mentally. While divorce is unpredictable, it can help to understand the general phases of divorce to give you a sense of what you can expect. The seven phases in divorce recovery are not always linear, but you can expect to pass through most of them during the divorce transition.

Divorce Recovery Phase One: The Trauma

No matter how it begins – with an affair, a phone call, a pile of divorce papers left on the table or a mysterious text – divorce can have a traumatic affect. While the majority of divorce circumstances are not life threatening, the ending of a marriage can be excruciating. The sooner you admit that the initial divorce event is traumatic, the better off you’ll be – but not everyone can do this right away. Which brings us to Stage Two.

Divorce Recovery Phase Two: Shock and Denial

Few individuals are prepared for the shock of divorce. Many people try to cover up their initial shock by staying busy, refusing to cry, and carrying on “like normal.” This ultimately takes the shape of denial, an adaptive response to the painful reality, but unsustainable. If you begin neglecting self care, feeling stressed almost constantly without cause, and eating more or less than usual, you may be in shock or denial. This is, in fact, normal—you’re beginning the grieving process. But keep in mind that this won’t last.

Divorce Recovery Phase Three: Anger

Suddenly, you don’t feel “fine” anymore – you’re mad as hell. You begin to look for someone to blame for your trauma – and with the divorce, the most obvious object is the Ex (though not always). You begin thinking obsessively about the object of your anger. If it’s a person, you might find you’re stalking their Facebook profile, calling or texting them incessantly, or finding other ways to engage them. Some anger is normal, but if you find yourself unable to get over your anger, seek professional help. Otherwise, your outbursts may continue to trigger the pain of the original trauma, and you’ll be stuck cycling through the first three phases.

Divorce Recovery Phase Four: Sadness

Sadness is healthy and normal, as it marks the beginning of acceptance and moving on. Here, you can admit feelings of loss, without placing blame. During this time, you wish to grieve in the company of friends or a professional, or prefer to be alone. Whatever you do, allow yourself time to move through this phase without responding to inner or outer pressure to “just buck up.” However, keep watch for signs of lingering depression.

Divorce Recovery Phase Five: Acceptance

Here, you will begin to feel that “everything is going to be okay.” You no longer feel the need to pretend that you’re not hurt, but nor do you fantasize about destroying your Ex’s life, or stay in every weekend night. You are ready to begin rebuilding your life – as an individual with new and even exciting choices.

Divorce Recovery Phase Six: Accountability

To build a new future, you must take responsibility for your past. You begin to realize that you could have listened more, or criticized less. As you begin to contemplate dating, or even falling in love again, you will find yourself re-examining the past – and yourself – in a new light, and eagerly looking for ways to do it better next time.

Divorce Recovery Phase Seven: Self-Discovery and Enlightenment

After divorce, everyone has the potential to understand themselves as never before – what makes them happy, angry, and sad. A reserve of untapped potential and wisdom often lies trapped behind the tension of your past relationships. Here, you may experiment with new styles of expression, from opening up more to your partner to taking up traveling or painting. If there’s any reason to push through anger and sadness, it’s to find this gold at the end of the rainbow.

And again, if you find yourself stuck along the way, get a Divorce Detox™. There’s no shame in it. After all, you’ve been through a trauma. And no one should have to suffer a trauma alone.

---

Allison Pescosolido, M.A., is a divorce recovery specialist with advanced degrees in Psychology and certified Grief Recovery Specialist. She located in Santa Monica, California and provides programs to individuals who are facing the challenges that come with separation and divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/what-are-the-seven-stages-of-divorce-recovery/

Uma Thurman's Raw, Relatable Post-Divorce Interview | The Oprah Winfrey Show | Oprah Winfrey Network

Starting Over After Heartbreak

The Perks of Being Divorced. Explore the New You as One of the Perks of Being Divorced By Wendi Schuller

When in the throes of a difficult divorce, it is hard to imagine that life may get better. One is focusing on losses and not anticipating that there are some gains as well. The adage “every cloud has a silver lining” does ring true. Post-divorce, many of us discovered that there were more silver linings than storm clouds, and there are perks of being divorced.

One woman I interviewed, said that she is now “the CEO” of her house. She repainted, rearranged, and planted an extensive garden. Whatever she feels like doing (within her budget), she does it. When married, this woman had to run ideas by her autocratic spouse. Another person adopted a cat as soon as the divorce was finalized. Their former spouse had loathed felines. Men have echoed similar sentiments. They got back into sports, which was fun and resulted in a physically fit body.

Explore a New Career or Head out on Spontaneous Adventures Post-Divorce 

Post-divorce instead of focusing on loss, think of life as a change with new opportunities to reinvent yourself. A divorced friend said that she is “captain of her own ship.” For the first time, she feels that she is totally in charge of her life. Steer your course on unchartered waters – possibly by changing careers. Some of us have become writers and painters in our newly solo lives.

Instead of dwelling on the negatives, re-frame your thoughts to something more positive. I did not realize how drained I was during my marriage trying to please a hostile mother-in-law. The energy I exerted on her is put to better use post-divorce. My social life has expanded and I have time to volunteer. Think about relationships that consumed your time when married. Some of these individuals may be dropped and replaced with positive ones who are supportive.

Being in a troubled marriage can divert attention away from the children. As one of the perks of being divorced, I was able to get to know my sons on a deeper level in my more relaxed state. When trying to hold things together in my unhappy marriage, I only asked the boys superficial questions. Becoming closer to my sons before the empty nest occurred was the most important perk of my divorce.

Travel can be more spontaneous after a divorce when not having to match your time off from work with someone else. A few days ago, I met a divorced pal at a coffee shop. We talked about how one river cruise company was running a 2 for the price of 1 special with free airfare. Neither of us have been to Ukraine, and within a half hour we were all set to go on a river cruise around the Black Sea. This was a repeat from two years prior while sitting at that coffee shop, when we booked a river cruise through Germany. I do not have to check in with anyone else when making on the spot travel arrangements and grabbing bargain rates.

Perks of Being Divorced: Reconnect with Family

Yes, not having a double income is unsettling at times. My sons and I have attained wisdom after divorce and discovered that we do not need a lot of stuff or the latest technology. We prefer to buy minimally and savor experiences over material goods. Our priorities shifted. I have listened to so many stories from others about how divorce forced them to look into themselves and produce rewarding changes. Consider how your divorce can be a catalyst for making adjustments in your life and experience the perks of being divorced.

If you are struggling, consider putting in writing what you are grateful for post-divorce. Jot down how life is better, no matter if it is trivial. Being able to avoid cooking meals by picking up healthy take away has made it on some divorced people’s lists. Writing in a journal is therapeutic. One can look back and see how they have healed or made progress. If you see only negatives, that is what you will find. If you choose to look upon the bright side of life, that is what you will discover post-divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/the-perks-of-being-divorced/

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

4 Ways To Deal With Divorce When You Still Love Him. BY JOHN BUTLER

In my divorce mediation practice, I often work with couples where one party is still, deeply in love with the spouse who wants a divorce. In this article, we’ll focus on advice for wives who find themselves in this painful situation. To be honest, I’ve found it’s just as often true that it’s the wife who wants to end the marriage and the husband who is still in love. In any event, these are heart-wrenching divorce cases and over the years I have given this topic a lot of thought. Here are four tips:

Here are four tips for dealing with divorce when you still love him.

1. Do not retaliate or act out

The momentary urge to “get even” or act on hurt feelings can be difficult to resist. Taking action in the midst of hurt or anger may be satisfying and feel good in the moment, but be aware that acting on this urge will have consequences.  In one of my early cases, I observed the consequences of a young wife and mother who acted on those feelings when she was angry at her husband whom she deeply loved. During a marital argument, he moved out and demanded a divorce.  In the midst of their argument, he had made a caustic comment about her haggard appearance and post-pregnancy weight retention. The comment was understandably deeply hurtful to her. Reacting to the pain of his callous remark and his decision to move out, she retaliated. She had a short fling with one of her husband’s close friends.  A few weeks later the couple patched things up and he moved back home with his wife and their two young children.  A few weeks later she discovered that she was pregnant (…the pregnancy was not the result of make-up sex with her husband).

They stayed together for a few more years rationalizing that since he was the one who had left, he really shouldn’t complain about her behavior during the breakup.  Meanwhile, the husband’s former good friend was paying child support every month and had visitation with the baby. As you can guess, this arrangement just kept reminding the husband of his wife’s retaliation; eventually, the marriage failed.

So my best advice is to avoid taking any action which will harm the man you love or the marriage you say you want. Examples of what NOT to do may seem to fit a stereotype. Even so, I’ve found them to be very common in cases where the husband seeks divorce and the wife is still in love, but hurt and angry. (Could this same advice be given to husbands who still love their wife who’s asking for a divorce? You bet.)

 Here is a partial list:

• Don’t bad-mouth him to your girlfriends or your parents. If you need to process your feelings, find a therapist or support group.
• Don’t buy things for yourself which you have wanted but cannot readily afford. Divorce often centers on money issues. Racking up credit card debt or draining a bank account on an impulse purchase usually brings more grief than joy in the long run.
• Don’t act out by damaging his car, destroying his tools or lashing out in any way. If you want to physically express your anger, take a brisk walk or enroll in a martial arts class. (Don’t even think about anything which would end up as a YouTube video!).

I do not mean to promise that he will come back to you, but I can attest that you make it a lot harder if you retaliate or act out when he delivers the news that he wants to leave.

2. Try not to escalate

If while still married you and your husband are fighting and he threatens divorce it is imperative that you remain as calm as you can. Yes, he may truly want a divorce and be committed to that path. However, it’s also possible that while he may have said that what he wants is a divorce, what he may truly want is to stop fighting with you. Divorce may seem like the way to get the fighting to stop. He may also be yearning for the dynamic that existed in the early years of your relationship but not know how to reclaim it. When arguments escalate it’s common for one or both parties to say things in anger they later regret.

Of course, when the prospect of an unwanted divorce raises its head, it is wise to protect yourself and look out for your own interests, even if you still love him and would prefer to stay married. Depending on the circumstances, hiring an attorney at this stage may seem to be the best course of action. Just keep in mind that hiring an overly aggressive lawyer may preclude a smaller step like one-on-one mediation. Being a divorce mediator, I may be biased, but I’ve seen mediation work wonders in these situations.

Remember that divorce attorneys make their money by litigating divorces. Mediators thrive by creating harmony through mutual effort to resolve conflict. Many men have told me they find divorce mediation far more satisfying than marriage counseling because it is focused on problem-solving, (often their strong suit) rather than therapy which is focused on exploring feelings (often their weak suit).

If you need legal perspective, talk with a mediator with legal experience or call a lawyer from a town far away just to get some general advice. If you still love your husband and the marriage still has a chance of survival, jumping into litigation is highly unlikely to yield the results you seek.

3. Consider whether addiction is a factor and if so, get help.

One of the frequent coping mechanisms of couples going through the hard times prior to a divorce is to escape the pain of their lost romantic feelings using addictive behaviors. If your husband has shown any signs of addiction, then it is likely that you have reacted with your own counter measures. Sometimes they are co-dependent behaviors like nagging, trying to shame him into good behavior, lying to cover up problems and so forth.

Whatever the details, when a couple is in this addictive cycle the marriage has almost no chance to thrive unless the addictions are addressed. If you have addiction anywhere in your marriage, then start with an honest assessment of your own reactions. If he has a problem behavior, and you still love him, there are proven ways to maintain your dignity and sanity in the relationship. Try Alanon or another 12–step program geared to support the friends and family of someone with an addiction problem.

4. Explore Your Deepest Truth

The hard truth is that I have seen cases where there are wives who love their husbands and there are other cases where the wives are attached to being married but seem to be indifferent toward their husband as a person. These might seem the same, but there is a world of difference.

Explore your deepest motivations about your relationship and your marriage because at some level your husband can probably tell how you really feel about him. If you are clinging to the idea that you love him but actually, deep down, you are insecure about not being married, that will tend to energetically push him away. On the other hand, if you truly love him and that is the priority in your heart and soul, then living in accord with those emotions may have the effect of drawing him toward you.

What might this look like? Every relationship has its own qualities and dynamics; there are as many ways to put this advice into motion as there are couples. It takes some self-examination and wisdom to know what is a kindness you can genuinely offer without feeling like you are being taken advantage of or becoming a doormat. Healthy boundaries vary from individual to individual and relationship to relationship. This is definitely not a case of one-size-fits-all.

Here are a few approaches I’ve seen succeed in drawing a couple back toward each other rather than driving them further apart:

• If you have children, and abuse is not a concern, consider allowing as much access as possible during the first phase of your separation. Show him that you value his role in their lives as a father even if he wasn’t the greatest dad before the divorce started. Invite him to visit with the kids in the home and be gracious when he shows up. Preparing extra food for dinner so he can eat with the kids is an act of kindness which he will notice and may appreciate. If the children are engaged in after-school sports, be sure to give him notice of all the games and ask him to sit next to you when he attends. Make an extra effort to include him in family gatherings and celebrations.
• If he has moved out, you might provide him with a generous share of the linens and silverware, maybe even spare furniture so that he does not need to go buy replacements. Consider letting him store his big-ticket items in the garage rather than force him to move them to a storage locker.

It may be counter-intuitive but sometimes making it easy for him to leave, makes it easier for him to come back.  At the same time, only you can determine what crosses the line into unhealthy co-dependence and being overly generous for the situation.

Conclusion

Every case is different because every couple is different. If you still love your husband and he says he wants a divorce, you will have many opportunities to choose how you show up when whatever happens next unfolds. Over the course of my mediation practice, I’ve witnessed couples move toward reconciliation after one or the other, or both, initially thought divorce was inevitable. Of course, many couples do complete the divorce process, even when one of them really wants to stay married.

Either way, these four principles help provide the best chance of moving forward with a positive outcome. 1) Don’t retaliate, 2) try not to escalate, 3) if addiction is a factor, get help and 4) explore your deepest truth.

https://divorcedmoms.com/4-ways-to-deal-with-divorce-when-you-still-love-him/

5 Signs It's Time To Uncouple. By Jay Williams

The decision to end a relationship and file for divorce is an exceptionally difficult one. Procrastination, indecision, anxiety, panic, anger, uncertainty; all of these and more will be felt whilst considering whether you should stay or walk away. With the end of a marriage or long-term relationship undoubtedly always bringing about major changes, this is entirely understandable and, in my opinion, unavoidable.

That said, the severity of the negative emotions that you feel can be controlled to some extent. I’ve always found that clients who are able to rationalise their decisions have been those best placed to limit the extent to which negative feelings actually affect them. For this reason, rationalising your decision to end your relationship beforehand always make the task itself, the feelings that follow and any resulting changes to your lifestyle far more tolerable. In order to help you with this here are what I believe to be the top five signs that it’s time for a divorce:

1.       You’re both indifferent

It’s widely assumed that arguments between couples are detrimental to their relationship. Whilst this is true to an extent (constant bickering and disagreement are bound to wear people down after all), they can also be positive.

When people openly discuss things that are making them feel dissatisfied, they’re also trying to resolve things and improve the situation. Even when this leads to confrontation, it has the potential to be beneficial and shows that the parties care enough to try and work things out. When they therefore shut down and simply bottle up their dissatisfaction, they’ve already given up on the relationship.

So, if you or your partner no longer care enough to argue, it’s time to walk away.

2.       There’s resentment

If either spouse has come to resent the other, there’s no hope of the relationship being a happy one ever again.

When one person blames the other for something like a missed opportunity brought about by, for example, sacrifices they’ve made for their spouse, there’s no coming back. If you feel this way about your spouse, it’s time to call it a day.

3.       The love’s gone

Most couples that file for divorce ultimately do so because they and their spouse have fallen out of love with one another and with good reason. Love, after all, is the bedrock upon which the foundation of any marriage is built. Without it, the whole thing starts to crumble.

If you no longer love your spouse or vice versa, you can still maintain a friendship (this’ll be particularly beneficial if you’ve had children together) but there’s little point trying to hold the marriage together.

4.       Their behaviour doesn’t change

Every couple encounters problems. Sometimes, it’s because one spouse behaves in a way that’s exceptionally selfish or inconsiderate. At other times, this behaviour is ongoing for a prolonged period, but the offending spouse makes a concerted effort to change and does so. When these circumstances apply, the affected couple can go on to enjoy a happy marriage. If the offending party does not change their behaviour, however, their spouse is simply never going to be happy with their marriage.

To put it another way, if you’ve persistently informed your spouse that you’re unhappy with their behaviour only for it to persist, you really should consider ending your marriage.

5.       You see no other option

Sometimes, couples are so determined to save their marriages that they try everything they can think of –  from marriage counselling to prolonged periods of time apart – to no avail. Trust me, if you can genuinely say you’ve tried everything and you’re still unhappy, it’s time to separate, start a new chapter in your life and find contentment.

Author bio:

Jay Williams works as a case manager at Quickie Divorce, one of the largest providers of uncontested divorce solutions in England and Wales. 

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10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again BY LUCAS MCCORD

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again

JULY 05, 2018

BY LUCAS MCCORDhttps://divorcedmoms.com/10-ways-to-get-over-your-divorce-and-become-whole-again/

19

If you don’t get over your divorce you carry the same issues from your marriage into any post-divorce relationships.

I spoke with a Coaching client last week who is working her way through her third divorce. We were on the phone for an hour and she spent forty-five minutes talking about problems she had experienced in her first marriage. Problems which happen to be the same problems she is experiencing in her third marriage. If you don’t get over your divorce, guess what, you’ll find yourself like this woman…carrying the same problems into every relationship you have post-divorce.

She will soon have three ex-husbands that she still ruminates over, blames for her inability to have a successful marriage and spends an excessive amount of time talking about with anyone who will listen.

Why is her head still stuck in her three failed marriages? Because she didn’t do the work she needed to do after her first divorce before jumping into her second and third marriage. She believes that love and marriage will solve her problems when all she is doing is taking those problems into each of her subsequent marriages.

My client didn’t get over her first divorce which only led to more divorces. To keep you from making the same mistake, I encourage you to do the work needed to get over your divorce before jumping back into another relationship and marriage.

Everyone who ends a marriage will grieve the emotional investment they had in that marriage. They will grieve the loss of plans, hopes, and dreams they had with their spouse and for their future. Some experience that grieving process before the divorce, some are left to deal with the grieving after the marriage is over.

Wherever one finds themselves in the grieving process, it’s important to move through it in order to move forward with life and become whole, emotionally, financially, mentally and spiritually.

How does one get over a divorce in a healthy manner? See below:

10 Ways to Get Over Your Divorce and Become Whole Again

1. Controlled Communication

It’s probably best to avoid communication with an ex, if possible. If you have children, that won’t be possible so, when communicating focus on keeping the communication emotionally safe. If you must discuss child-related issues, stick to talking only about child-related issues. If you didn’t want the divorce and are hoping for a reconciliation, it’s important for your own emotional wellbeing to keep any communication strictly business.

2. Let Go of Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

It’s normal after a divorce to wander off into “woulda coulda shoulda” type thinking. Thinking about whether the marriage could have been saved only keeps you stuck and unable to move forward with your life. Indulging in “what ifs” and thinking about how things could’ve been will not help you cope with the reality of your divorce. Thinking about things that could have happened but never will happen is a waste of time and emotional energy. That kind of thinking promotes longings for something you can’t have, regret over something that is over and done with and more emotional pain that you don’t need.

3. Behave Yourself!

Sometimes divorce can make us behave in ways we normally wouldn’t and that can get nasty, quite quickly. Don’t badmouth your ex, don’t call them over the phone and express your anger, don’t use the children to punish your ex, don’t play mind games with child support and visitation. Anger is a difficult emotion for anyone to deal with and unfortunately, it’s a common emotion experienced after a divorce.

Fight the urge to misbehave. Screaming and shouting rarely makes an ex want to have a civil relationship with you. Name calling and finger pointing will make you look immature and irrational. If you need to scream and shout, do it alone or in the company of a close friend who you can trust to keep it to themselves. And, if you can’t get a handle on your anger, get into therapy so it can be worked through.

Have some pride and hold yourself to standards that would never allow you to let anger get the best of you.

4. Stay Away from People Who Don’t Promote Healing and Moving On

Surround yourself with people who are positive and willing to call you out on thinking and behaviors that hold you back from getting over your divorce. Steer clear of negative people who enjoy stirring the pot and encouraging your negative feelings. It’s natural to want to vent to those who will cheer you on and support your point of view BUT even though they feel they are giving you what you need, they are actually keeping you from focusing your energy elsewhere and in a more positive manner.

Spend time with friends and family that offer support and positivity, warmth and comfort. Those who will help you feel good about yourself, where you are in life and guide you in a direction that promotes growth and not stagnation.

5. Talk About Something Other than Your Divorce

Vent if you feel the need but know when enough is enough. Constant talking and thinking about your divorce saturates your mind and before long there will be room for nothing but negative thinking in your head. That can lead to feelings of depression and being overly emotional.

When it comes to getting over a divorce, your head and what goes through your head is your greatest tool. If you drown your brain with constant negative thoughts about your divorce, you’ll find yourself going down for the third time and unable to recover and move on.

Give yourself a certain amount of time daily to talk and think about your divorce. The rest of the day distract yourself with positive thoughts and activities. It’s making room for the good stuff in your head that will encourage healing after a divorce.

6. Don’t Drink Away Your Grief

Alcohol numbs, it doesn’t heal. Drinking to numb the pain of a divorce can have serious effects on your mood, your behavior, and your overall wellbeing. Drinking is an easy way to avoid the pain you’re in but, it will only extend the grieving process and stall the moving on process.

7. Evict Thoughts of Your Ex from Your Head

You had a daily relationship with your ex. Even if you wanted the divorce it can take time to stop thinking about your ex. Wondering how they are and what they are doing will be normal thoughts that go through your head. If you didn’t want the divorce such thoughts may become obsessive for you. You’ve been forced to let go of a relationship you wanted to hold onto, it’s only natural that part of your grieving process will be focusing on your ex’s whereabouts, who they are with, how they are spending their time.

It’s important that you remain aware that an obsessive need to keep up with your ex will lead you into harmful and painful territory. Letting go of a relationship you’d rather be nurturing is one of the hardest things any of us is called upon to do. If you’re going to get over your loss and move forward in a positive manner with your life, you need to let go of the need to keep tabs on and constantly think about your ex.

8. Allow Yourself to Feel

Divorce brings with it difficult emotions. You will feel sadness, anger, confusion, fear, anxiety and many other negative emotions attached to divorce. It’s natural to want those emotions to go away and for you to do whatever you feel will soothe them.

It’s important to feel and work through these negative emotions. The biggest mistake you can make is to bury negative emotions or put a band-aid over them. Divorce puts us all in a vulnerable position emotionally. Don’t fear that vulnerability, embrace it and work through it by expressing your feelings in a healthy manner. Talk to a friend, family member or therapist about how you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, acknowledge them and in time they will fade.

9. Stay Away from Places That Were Special to You Two

To get over your divorce you want to avoid anything that will cause added pain. Visiting a restaurant that you two spent your first anniversary will bring up memories that can be painful. Seeing a movie at the same theater you two frequented may cause discomfort due to reminders of your ex. Consider places you two shared time together off limits until you can go there and it no longer hurts.

10. Focus on You!

Last but most important, focus on you, your immediate needs and your future. No one moves forward if their head and heart are stuck in the past. No one benefits personally if they don’t focus on their emotional and physical needs first.

Be sure you are eating and exercising properly. Daily, take the time to set goals for yourself. Goals that focus on what you want and need out of life going forward. Take the needed steps to meet those goals. Life doesn’t end with a divorce. In twenty years, you don’t want to look back and think to yourself, “I wasted years of my life when I didn’t accept and get over that divorce.”

Smile daily, work at personal growth and learning new relationship skills. Get rid of reminders of your ex in your home that evoke negative memories, treat yourself with patience and kindness. And, move forward rebuilding a life that promotes pride and contentment.

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash