Uncoupled

Saturday, January 12, 2019

4 BEHAVIOURS ARE THE MOST RELIABLE PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE


A study was so striking it spurred researchers to label the four behaviours 'the four horsemen of the apocalypse'

A decade of research has lent support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviour

Ever been in the middle of a heated argument when suddenly the other person pulls out their phone and starts texting?
If the answer is yes, and if you find it happening constantly, we hope that person isn't your significant other.
This behavior, known as stonewalling, is one of four reactions that John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the founder of the Gottman Institute, has identified as a telltale sign that all is not well with a married couple.
In fact, when Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson lumped stonewalling together with three other behaviours — contempt, criticism, and defensiveness — and measured how often they occurred within the span of a 15-minute conversation, they found they could predict which marriages would end in divorce with striking precision.
When the psychologists added questions about things like relationship satisfaction and how many times the research subjects had thoughts about separating to the mix, they could predict which marriages would end in divorce 93% of the time.
The figure, which comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period), was so striking it spurred the researchers to label the four behaviours "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."
While that initial study, published in 2002, was small and focused on a specific population, a decade of research into marriage and divorce has lent further support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviours.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.
So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviours actually look like in a relationship?
1. Contempt
Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.
This behavior alone, Gottman told Business Insider, is "the kiss of death" for a relationship.
Take an everyday argument about buying groceries, for example. When you come home and realize your significant other has picked up habanero peppers rather than bell peppers for tonight's stir-fry dinner, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?
The reason contempt is so powerful is because it means you've closed yourself off to your partner's needs and emotions.
If you constantly feel smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other, you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.
2. Criticism
Like contempt, criticism involves turning a behavior (something your partner did) into a statement about his or her character (the type of person he or she is).
Say your partner has a nasty habit of leaving his or her used cereal bowl — calcified, uneaten cereal-and-milk remnants and all — around the house.
Do you wait until he or she gets home to mention that the behavior bothers you, and gently suggest that he or she put the emptied bowl in the sink or dishwasher instead? Or do you think to yourself, "Why am I dating the type of person who abandons half-eaten cereal bowls around the house?"
Over time, these personal detractions can add up, feeding darker feelings of resentment and contempt.
3. Defensiveness
If you find yourself regularly playing the victim in tough situations with your partner, you might be guilty of being defensive.
Take being late to a cousin's wedding, for example. Are you the first to say, "It wasn't my fault!" when you finally arrive? Or do you think it over before you accuse the other person, realizing you probably shouldn't have taken a two-hour shower when you only had an hour to get ready?
Taking responsibility for your role in a tough situation can be uncomfortable, but it's often what keeps a bad situation from escalating, says Gottman.
He's found that for couples who divorce within the first several years of their marriage — one of the times when divorce rates are highest — "entering negativity is like stepping into a quicksand bog. It’s easy to enter but hard to exit."
4. Stonewalling
You know when an argument is about to start. You can feel your heart rate increase and your voice get just a tiny bit louder. But the moment things start to get heated, do you pull out your phone, walk away, or simply ignore your partner?
Blocking off conversation can be just as toxic for a relationship as contempt because it keeps you from addressing an underlying issue.
We know: Getting into arguments with your partner is the opposite of a good time. But these temporarily uncomfortable situations are oftentimes the place where you can start to come to big realizations about your own behavior and solve potentially damaging problems.
Don't panic
It's important to keep in mind that occasionally displaying any one of these behaviours — or all of them, even — is completely normal.
It's when these negative behaviours happen so frequently that they replace more positive interactions with your partner that can be cause for concern.
Simply recognizing that you're doing something that could be hurting your relationship is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll probably make the relationship even stronger.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/4-behaviours-are-the-most-reliable-predictors-of-divorce-a6881616.html




Posted by uncoupled at 8:17 PM 2 comments:
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Labels: breakup, causes of divorce, considering divorce, good advice, marriage guidance, personal growth, predictors of divorce, separation, unhappy marriage

Monday, January 7, 2019

Getting Divorced: January Is Divorce Season

Divorce is often a difficult journey and whilst that journey varies from person to person, almost everyone only reaches their Divorce Monday after having tried harder than most people can imagine possible. Whilst there's no denying that divorce is a hard path to take, it's certainly no failure.


Did you know January is the most popular month for getting divorced? Over twice as many people file for divorce in January as file for it in the second most popular month - September. Divorce Monday - the most popular day for a divorce - falls on the first working Monday of the month. It must be the come down from all that turkey and chocolates, and to be fair there's always a bit of a lull in the office that day - I guess people need to fill their time somehow.
The mainstream media tells it how it is.Divorce Monday reflects all that is wrong with society 'nowadays'; a society where people are unwilling to put in effort, where couples walk away from commitments too easily and flit from one bad decision to the next searching for instant gratification. Many countries, including the UK, don't allow no-fault divorce, fearing it encourages higher divorce rates.
Some campaigners have suggested solutions to these problems. Limits should be introduced on when you can petition for a divorce. Divorce Monday may become Divorce Tuesday. Perhaps we could keep limiting it until we run out of days in the week. In fact, a disproportionate number of people who divorce got engaged at the weekend - let's cancel those too. Why stop there though? Marriage is the root of all these problems, without it there'd be no divorce. Let's just be done with it and scrap marriage (*JOKE*).
My own Divorce Monday came over two years ago. It's been one hell of a journey since then, and of course it started well before the day I sent off that paperwork. Divorce is not a good thing in and of itself, just as it's not a universally bad thing. Divorce is an outcome for many people which they need. It is a result which only they can know if it is right for them, and only they can know when it is right for them. For many people, that will be this January.
It is sad that Divorce Monday exists, I don't deny that. Believe me, I've shed enough tears to know divorce is tough. It's not sad because of some imagined blight divorce represents on our society though. It's sad because it represents the end of someone's hopes and dreams and it often hides many months, if not years, of unhappiness at best (and much worse for many). Divorce is often a difficult journey and whilst that journey varies from person to person, almost everyone only reaches their Divorce Monday after having tried harder than most people can imagine possible. Whilst there's no denying that divorce is a hard path to take, it's certainly no failure.
So if you are one of those getting divorced this January I want to tell you this.
Getting divorced will be the hardest and most rewarding thing you have ever done. It may sound strange to call a divorce rewarding, but I'm guessing you ain't happy with how things are going and you haven't been for quite some time. Lots of people contemplate divorce but decide it isn't right for them. None of us get that far into the idea of divorce without good reason. I have no idea what yours may be. A loveless marriage. Constant arguing. Abuse. Boredom. Infidelity. Addiction. The list goes on. It doesn't matter your reason. It just matters that it's yours. Filing for divorce represents an end of hope. An end to the belief that things will get better. Maybe the hope was extinguished suddenly, or perhaps you've finally realised it's been dying for some time now. The one thing I know for certain though is that hope keeps us in a bad marriage more than love ever could.
If you are getting divorced this month just remember you're not alone. This will be a tough path to take but in time your life will become happier. Not just happier from now, in the first days of divorce, but from how it was in the last days of marriage. After all, that's what divorce is about. It is not about walking away, giving up, making a bad decision or whatever else others want to claim it is, it's about getting out of an unhappy/ unhealthy/ un-[insert your adjective of choice] marriage. It can be a long journey but you will find the strength. To those divorcing this January, I wish you the best of luck with it.


https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ella-davis/getting-divorced-january-_b_14232600.html
Posted by uncoupled at 7:00 AM No comments:
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Labels: bad relationships, break up, divorce, Divorce Monday, divorce season, filing for divorce, getting divorced, relationships, separation

Friday, January 4, 2019

Tom Hanks has some beautiful life advice for anyone with divorced parents




Tom Hanks is no stranger to making us cry.
Throughout his career, he has starred in some of the most emotive films imaginable, from Saving Private Ryan to Forrest Gump. As well as breaking our hearts with his on screen characters, he’s one of those rare celebrities who actually seems like a genuinely nice person in real life, too –proven by this story of how he helped his wife, Rita Wilson, beat breast cancer.
And now, Hanks has opened up further about his family life, by discussing the impact of growing up with divorced parents while also sharing the one life lesson he tries to instill in his four children.
Speaking about his debut collection of short stories, Uncommon Type, at the Southbank Centre’s London Literature Festival, Hanks talked about bringing up his three sons and his daughter – and how he wants them to believe they can overcome any obstacle in life.
“All I can be to them is that place where someone says, ‘you can figure this out, and you will be ok,’” he said.
Hanks also spoke of the importance of having deep connections with people outside of your family, adding that he knew his children needed a bigger support network in their lives than just himself and Wilson.
“I get along with each [of my children] completely differently, and every relationship I have is a whole and complete one,” he said. 
“But I know absolutely for certain that they need other people in their lives to come and stir them along.”
Hanks shared many more musings throughout the talk: from the importance of finding the people who matter in life, to the value of making mistakes, you can read some of them, recorded in his own wonderful words, below.

On growing up with divorced parents 

“My parents divorced when I was five. There were four of us, and my youngest brother stayed with my mum, while the rest of us stayed with my dad.
My mum found the love of her life on her fourth marriage, and my dad found the love of his life on his third marriage. Both my parents reached the level they were seeking, it just took them a while to find it. That’s an adult lesson you learn about parenting… everyone is trying to get by and do the right thing.
I’m lucky that both my parents passed away after I had the chance to tell them how much they meant to be. And when the time went by it was like, ‘hey, their ride is here, it’s just time for them to go’.
You wish you could spend a couple of days with each one again. You think about them in some way almost every day - something always comes to you.”

On forging a relationship with his mum

“I was very solid with my mum even though I was the only one [of my siblings] who did not live with her. She and I had great talks, and I was very pragmatic about our life together.
I don’t think I was ever alone with just my mum, except for a handful of times, throughout the whole of our lives. There was always a sibling or someone else around.
But I remember the times when it was just me and my mum, and we’d be going out for a hamburger, or lunch, and it was a magical time for me, free of guilt and free of an agenda. But not for my mum, because I think at the end of the day, she was thinking ‘I should do more for this child number three, who doesn’t live with me and who I don’t see very much’.
We talked about that later on. I said, ‘mum, I know we didn’t live together, but I think you did a great job none the less’. And she said, ‘well, I’m glad you think that’. It was very lovely.”

On finding the people who matter

“From my perspective, the bonds you make with your family are not by choice - they just are. Whether they’re good or bad, you don’t get to choose who your family is, or who your parents are. And so much can get in the way of those relationships.
The stories in the book that aren’t about family are about that other type of union – the connections that we all make. We make those connections by option and we choose to invest in them. You never know if you’re going to start a class, or change college, or move into a new apartment, and meet the person who literally carries you across the rubicon and into the new country of your life.
I could not make a decision on the family that I had, and it was fragmented and confusing sometimes. But I accepted that as it was - I didn’t think it was out of the norm, I just thought that’s what family was.
What ended up being the great catalyst in my life… friends, the first person you see doing a show, the first person who gives you a job or says you can be more than what you think you are. And that comes about because of the wonderful, inexplicable moments of serendipity of who you meet.
It’s those connections that are not a substitute for family, but they are another great necessity in our lives, the people who stir us and inspire, and sometimes, take care of us.”

On how Nora Ephron inspired him to write

[Hanks has a dedication to Nora Ephron in Uncommon Type, which reads “Because of Nora”]

“I first met Nora Ephron when she directed Sleepless in Seattle and I was intimidated by her because of all the writing she had done, and I’d seen a movie she had directed which I really liked. I went in to meet with her and I was a very cranky actor - I thought I was a hot shot as I had had some hits and was weighing up other offers. I was all pushed out of shape for a while.
I said to her [about the script], “you’re a woman who wrote about a guy with a kid, men don’t talk to their boys like that! Dads don’t give a s**t what their kid thinks. The guy doesn’t get upset that his kid doesn’t want him to go away for the weekend with his date – the guy tells his kid that he is going to go away for that weekend.
Then that ended up being in the movie, and Nora always said – ‘you wrote that’. And I would say, ‘no, I was just complaining in a rehearsal!’ And she said, ‘that’s what writing is: an idea that ends up making it’.
She had always given me these writing props, and anything we worked on together we always approached it from this perspective of writing. I was writing a piece for the New York Times about my makeup artist and I kept sending it to Nora for suggestions, and the one thing she kept saying to me was voice, voice, voice. It’s not enough to just tell a story, or to tell us what’s going on. You have to find your voice.
So it’s because of Nora that I’m sitting here right now.”

On living with your mistakes – and making plenty more


“I’m not a cynic, but I’m pessimistic about plenty of things. The best you can do is make 51% decent decisions. You’ll screw up 49% of the time, but if you can make it to 51%, you’re ok. I’m pessimistic 49% of the time, but I have faith 51% of the time, and that turns the tide just enough.
You learn from every mistake you make, so therefore – ram on!”
Uncommon Type by Tom Hanks, £8 from https://amzn.to/2CKmCzf
https://www.stylist.co.uk/people/tom-hanks-actor-book-uncommon-type-rita-wilson-family-life-lessons-father-son-daughter/170624?itm_campaign=related-articles-widget-single
Posted by uncoupled at 4:37 PM No comments:
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Labels: Adult child of divorce, broken family, divorce, divorce and children, divorced parents, family life, good advice, impact of divorce on children, life advice, life lessons, relationships, Tom Hanks, Uncommon Type

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Tony Robbins - Habits For Better Relationships - Tony Robbins Motivation

Posted by uncoupled at 5:31 PM 2 comments:
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Labels: better relationships, divorce, happy relationships, marriage advice, relationship advice, relationship skills, saving a marriage, splitting up, strong relationships, Tony Robbins, unhappy relationship
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About Me

uncoupled
Hello, we are Melanie and Susannah and we have both been in relationships of 20+ years. Within the last few years, we have been through breakups of our own. Even though we were the ones who ended our relationships, we discovered that this by no means makes it an easy experience. And it can be even harder for the one who was left. We both felt isolated during the undecided phase while we were still in the relationship and then through the reality of the aftermath. There was so much to think about, not least to try to make the home situation as stable as possible for the kids. Not wanting to remain single, we also knew the inevitable dating scene beckoned - OMG! What we really needed was a space where where we could connect with other women who had been through the pre, during and post-split dilemmas we were going through. Predominantly we wanted to focus on the positives and help with moving on. The end of a long term relationship is a significant and often difficult transition for many of us, but it is also a new world of opportunities and the beginning of an exciting chapter in your life. You are no longer alone; we have created UNCOUPLED just for YOU.
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      • 4 BEHAVIOURS ARE THE MOST RELIABLE PREDICTORS OF D...
      • Getting Divorced: January Is Divorce Season
      • Tom Hanks has some beautiful life advice for anyon...
      • Tony Robbins - Habits For Better Relationships - T...
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