Tom Hanks has some beautiful life advice for anyone with divorced parents

Tom Hanks is no stranger to making us cry.

Throughout his career, he has starred in some of the most emotive films imaginable, from Saving Private Ryan to Forrest Gump. As well as breaking our hearts with his on screen characters, he’s one of those rare celebrities who actually seems like a genuinely nice person in real life, too –proven by this story of how he helped his wife, Rita Wilson, beat breast cancer.

And now, Hanks has opened up further about his family life, by discussing the impact of growing up with divorced parents while also sharing the one life lesson he tries to instill in his four children.

Speaking about his debut collection of short stories, Uncommon Type, at the Southbank Centre’s London Literature Festival, Hanks talked about bringing up his three sons and his daughter – and how he wants them to believe they can overcome any obstacle in life.

“All I can be to them is that place where someone says, ‘you can figure this out, and you will be ok,’” he said.

Hanks also spoke of the importance of having deep connections with people outside of your family, adding that he knew his children needed a bigger support network in their lives than just himself and Wilson.

“I get along with each [of my children] completely differently, and every relationship I have is a whole and complete one,” he said. 

“But I know absolutely for certain that they need other people in their lives to come and stir them along.”

Hanks shared many more musings throughout the talk: from the importance of finding the people who matter in life, to the value of making mistakes, you can read some of them, recorded in his own wonderful words, below.

On growing up with divorced parents 

“My parents divorced when I was five. There were four of us, and my youngest brother stayed with my mum, while the rest of us stayed with my dad.

My mum found the love of her life on her fourth marriage, and my dad found the love of his life on his third marriage. Both my parents reached the level they were seeking, it just took them a while to find it. That’s an adult lesson you learn about parenting… everyone is trying to get by and do the right thing.

I’m lucky that both my parents passed away after I had the chance to tell them how much they meant to be. And when the time went by it was like, ‘hey, their ride is here, it’s just time for them to go’.

You wish you could spend a couple of days with each one again. You think about them in some way almost every day - something always comes to you.”

On forging a relationship with his mum

“I was very solid with my mum even though I was the only one [of my siblings] who did not live with her. She and I had great talks, and I was very pragmatic about our life together.

I don’t think I was ever alone with just my mum, except for a handful of times, throughout the whole of our lives. There was always a sibling or someone else around.

But I remember the times when it was just me and my mum, and we’d be going out for a hamburger, or lunch, and it was a magical time for me, free of guilt and free of an agenda. But not for my mum, because I think at the end of the day, she was thinking ‘I should do more for this child number three, who doesn’t live with me and who I don’t see very much’.

We talked about that later on. I said, ‘mum, I know we didn’t live together, but I think you did a great job none the less’. And she said, ‘well, I’m glad you think that’. It was very lovely.”

On finding the people who matter

“From my perspective, the bonds you make with your family are not by choice - they just are. Whether they’re good or bad, you don’t get to choose who your family is, or who your parents are. And so much can get in the way of those relationships.

The stories in the book that aren’t about family are about that other type of union – the connections that we all make. We make those connections by option and we choose to invest in them. You never know if you’re going to start a class, or change college, or move into a new apartment, and meet the person who literally carries you across the rubicon and into the new country of your life.

I could not make a decision on the family that I had, and it was fragmented and confusing sometimes. But I accepted that as it was - I didn’t think it was out of the norm, I just thought that’s what family was.

What ended up being the great catalyst in my life… friends, the first person you see doing a show, the first person who gives you a job or says you can be more than what you think you are. And that comes about because of the wonderful, inexplicable moments of serendipity of who you meet.

It’s those connections that are not a substitute for family, but they are another great necessity in our lives, the people who stir us and inspire, and sometimes, take care of us.”

On how Nora Ephron inspired him to write

[Hanks has a dedication to Nora Ephron in Uncommon Type, which reads “Because of Nora”]

“I first met Nora Ephron when she directed Sleepless in Seattle and I was intimidated by her because of all the writing she had done, and I’d seen a movie she had directed which I really liked. I went in to meet with her and I was a very cranky actor - I thought I was a hot shot as I had had some hits and was weighing up other offers. I was all pushed out of shape for a while.

I said to her [about the script], “you’re a woman who wrote about a guy with a kid, men don’t talk to their boys like that! Dads don’t give a s**t what their kid thinks. The guy doesn’t get upset that his kid doesn’t want him to go away for the weekend with his date – the guy tells his kid that he is going to go away for that weekend.

Then that ended up being in the movie, and Nora always said – ‘you wrote that’. And I would say, ‘no, I was just complaining in a rehearsal!’ And she said, ‘that’s what writing is: an idea that ends up making it’.

She had always given me these writing props, and anything we worked on together we always approached it from this perspective of writing. I was writing a piece for the New York Times about my makeup artist and I kept sending it to Nora for suggestions, and the one thing she kept saying to me was voice, voice, voice. It’s not enough to just tell a story, or to tell us what’s going on. You have to find your voice.

So it’s because of Nora that I’m sitting here right now.”

On living with your mistakes – and making plenty more

“I’m not a cynic, but I’m pessimistic about plenty of things. The best you can do is make 51% decent decisions. You’ll screw up 49% of the time, but if you can make it to 51%, you’re ok. I’m pessimistic 49% of the time, but I have faith 51% of the time, and that turns the tide just enough.

You learn from every mistake you make, so therefore – ram on!”

Uncommon Type by Tom Hanks, £8 from https://amzn.to/2CKmCzf

https://www.stylist.co.uk/people/tom-hanks-actor-book-uncommon-type-rita-wilson-family-life-lessons-father-son-daughter/170624?itm_campaign=related-articles-widget-single

Parental Conflict Alienates/Hurts Children of Divorce Long Term. By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

In a newsletter from Dr. Mark Goulston I read that: “A majority of teenagers, when asked if they had the choice between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, will pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.”

Stop and think about that for a moment. Teenagers would sacrifice receiving more love from their parents if they could assure their parents got along better with one another. This reinforces what most mental health professionals have long known: Parental conflict is a source of continual pain for our children – whether the parents are married or divorced!

As a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, my goal is to make sure both parents fully understand the impact of parental discord upon your children. That’s why I ask every client: Do you love your children more than you hate your soon-to-be-Ex? If you really do, then you need to understand the negative consequences when parents (and other relatives and friends) fight, disparage or in other ways disrespect one another around the children.

Parents are the stability in any family. Children derive security from parental love, support and protection. Even after divorce, if the children feel both parents are still there for them — participating in their lives and providing love and guidance — they can thrive. However, when one parent tries to demean the other parent or uses the kids as confidants to vent their anger or frustration about the divorce, the sanctity of security is broken. Now the children are thrown into a state of conflict and confusion. With whom do they side? Will the other parent resent them for taking sides? What if they still love their other parent who is being criticized and demeaned? Are they being disloyal to mom or dad if they want to defend or support the other parent?

Children, even older teens, are deeply troubled when trying to find solutions to these challenging questions. It robs them of their sleep, affects school performance, and changes who they are emotionally and psychologically. This is a burden no parent should inflict on their children, yet it happens all too often, with little awareness of the consequences.

Feeling guilty, shamed and confused, children start acting out to cope with the internal conflict. They may get more aggressive, start bullying at home or at school, and showing other behavior problems with parents or siblings. Others turn within, disengage from family and friends, withdrawing from school, sports or other activities they used to love. The despair and loss of trusted parental security creates despair and can lead to depression and thoughts of suicide. Child psychologists deal with these challenges regularly as parents bring their children in for “help.” Most haven’t a clue that the cause was their poor parenting choices during and after divorce.

Here are some typical comments to avoid when talking to your children about their other parent:

• Do you hear yourself saying: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”

• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”

• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know, making sure the kids get the negative judgement?

• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?

• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?

• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”

• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move through their teens and grow older.

Minding your tongue around your kids can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. However, it is also one of the behaviors that will most benefit your children on a long-term basis. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks hurt and harm your kids. Work on maintaining the best possible relationship with your ex – for the sake of the children. Need help? Join a Co-Parent support group, find a compassionate Divorce Coach, seek out a therapist, talk to a school counselor. Master communication skills and be the role model you want to be for your children. That’s a gift that will keep on giving, enhancing their lives — thanks to you!

*** *** ***
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2016/01/parental-conflict-alienateshurts-children-of-divorce-long-term/

What Happens When The Weight Of Divorce Is Carried By Children? BY CATHY MEYER CPCC

Just because most children adjust to divorce does not mean all children adjust. Especially if they are dealing with an irrational parent.

Children are the only innocent victims of divorce and more times than not they are the ones left to carry the weight of divorce due to the unstable nature of the Family Court System and parents who lose sight of their children’s needs.

This isn’t an anti-divorce article. This article is about advocating for children whose parents are divorcing. It is a collection of stories that will hopefully educate parents who can then work together during the divorce process to minimize the risk of long-term negative effects on their children.

Not all children are damaged by divorce. Some are though and exposing those stories can be a warning to parents. A sort of “do it the right way or else” warning that will show parents what a child needs to survive the dismantling of a family.

The one thing these stories have in common is a broken bond or attachment with a parent. The loss of consistency in a child’s relationship with both parents can determine whether a divorce does life-long damage or the child moves smoothly through the divorce process.

Parents need to protect and be extremely sensitive to the effects of a broken bond or attachment with either parent or other family members during the divorce process and after. To not be sensitive can be detrimental and produce a story for your child similar to the ones you are about to read.

The Impact of Fatherlessness on Alan

Alan was 7 when his parents divorced. He was an outgoing, precocious child who “loved his family.” He had a close bond with his father. They were buddies, very similar in personality and nature and Alan adored “guy time” with his Dad.

Alan was always on the go, a very active child but he checked in often during long summer days while out and about with friends. It was important to Alan that he have a home base, somewhere he belonged and could come to on a moment’s notice.

He felt stable in the world because he had a stable family. He had never heard his parents argue. Family conflict was a foreign concept to him. He went to bed at night safe in the knowledge that those he loved would be there the next morning to love him.

One day Alan was in school. His father came to school and checked him. Alan was puzzled but happy to see his father. He had no hint there was a problem. He lived in an atmosphere where problems were not the norm. In fact, in Alan’s case, he was unaware that “problems” existed in the world. His life had been one of stress-free days playing with friends and warm, cozy evenings spent with family.

When Alan and his Dad climbed into the car his Dad told him that his parents were getting a divorce and that “he was never coming home again.” His Dad then drove him home, dropped him off and drove away leaving Alan crying alone in the driveway with the words, “I’m divorcing your mom and never coming home again” swirling around his head.  And that was the end of the problem free, stable life that Alan had become accustomed to.

His Dad didn’t call him, didn’t come see him, and seemed to no longer care about him. There were rare phone calls and weekend visits with his Dad. In between those visits, there was no contact. There was no phone number for Alan to call his Dad, no address for him to visit. And when he tried to ask his Dad why he had changed so much his Dad refused to discuss the “situation” with him.

Alan was left to wonder what had happened to the Dad who had loved and cared for his every need.

He was left to wonder if others who loved and cared for him could also change and leave him. When interviewing Alan for this article he told me, “That was the day I stopped trusting people. That day is the day my Dad turned into someone I used to know and I knew that if he could then other people could too. It is also the day I starting wishing I had a Dad like my old Dad.”

According to Alan, “my mom loved me, so did my grandparents but nothing could replace that loss and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop trying to fill the hole left in me by the way I was treated by my Dad.”

Alan tried filling the hole with drugs. He started smoking pot when he was thirteen. Between the ages of 13 and 16, he used Xanax, mushrooms, LSD and other illegal drugs in an attempt to lessen his pain. And there was a lot of pain because over the years Alan’s Dad showed him often of how little consequence his needs and feelings were.

There was a six-year period of no contact, only sporadic emails but never an offer to visit Alan. There were requests by therapists for Alan’s father to become involved with therapy sessions that were ignored by Alan’s father.  He did agree to one session with Alan’s therapist but not with Alan present.

His Dad made the trip to the therapist’s office which was within 10 miles of Alan’s home but didn’t contact Alan or make an attempt to see Alan. That was his one and only visit with a therapist. According to Alan’s Dad, “Alan needs therapy, not me.”

The emotional abuse that Alan’s Dad heaped upon him was appalling. He went from being a loving father to a man who ignored his child’s feelings, rejected his child’s desire for a relationship and neglected his child’s mental health needs.

When Alan was 17 he experienced a psychotic break. He was hospitalized and diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Alan is now 24 and has been hospitalized twice for problems related to the disorder. He will be on medication for the rest of his life and struggle to keep his symptoms under control.

One has to wonder, who Alan would be today if his father had handled the divorce more maturely.

According to Marcia Purse, the About.com Guide to Bipolar Disorder, “When we look for the cause of bipolar disorder, the best explanation according to the research available at this time is what is termed the “Diathesis-Stress Model.” The word diathesis means, in simplified terms, a physical condition that makes a person more than usually susceptible to certain diseases. Thus the Diathesis-Stress Model says that each person inherits certain physical vulnerabilities to problems that may or may not appear depending on what stresses occur in his or her life. Durand and Barlow define this model as a theory that both an inherited tendency and specific stressful conditions are required to produce a disorder.”

Alan was a child with “physical vulnerabilities” to emotional problems. Couple those vulnerabilities with the stress caused by the way his father handled the divorce and you have a recipe for disaster, life-changing disaster.

The last time I spoke with Alan he quoted the lyrics of the song, Father of Mine to me. “I will never be safe, I will never be sane, I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.”

The good news for Alan is, he is safe and surrounded by people who love him, he is sane, not the least bit weird inside or out and there is NOTHING the least bit stupid or lame about this young man. With continued love and therapy, he will learn that he is not responsible for his situation but is responsible enough to not allow what one man did define his life and how he lives that life. He may have been left holding the bag but, ultimately the contents of the bag are completely and totally up to him.

Katy’s Story of Parental Alienation

Katy was 12 when her parents divorced. Katy’s story is one of Parental Alienation and the life-long consequences of one parent robbing a child of the love and attention of the other parent.

Katy’s parents had a high conflict marriage so she was used to witnessing first-hand the anger and resentment between her parents. It was no surprise to Katy that they eventually divorced. In fact, according to Katy, “the divorce gave me a sense of relief. For the first time in my life, I was hopeful that I could have a relationship with two happy parents instead of two miserable parents.”

Her hopes were short-lived though because soon after the divorce Katy’s mother started sharing details of the divorce with her daughter and her negative opinion of Katy’s father. A father Katy had always had a close and trusting relationship with.

When it came to poisoning Katy’s mind against her father, Katy’s mother took no prisoners.

Nothing was off limits, this mother was determined that her child would not have a relationship with her father.

Katy was told that her father abandoned the family. She was told of affairs her father supposedly had, of episodes of domestic abuse that her mother had suffered. Her mother went as far as insinuating that she feared her ex would try to molest Katy and do her emotional and physical harm.

Katy’s father worked diligently at staying in contact with Katy. He was awarded liberal visitation by the court but his attempts to visit were thwarted by Katy’s mother. Gifts sent to Katy were thrown away, phone calls to Katy were intercepted and Katy was left to believe that her father was making no effort to see her.

Before long Katy began to view her father through the lens of her mother’s lies. She became angry at her father’s abandonment of not only her but the family. Needless to say, once the child was fully indoctrinated the job of keeping Katy’s father away from his child became easy. Katy’s mother could relax, her job was done she no longer had to worry.

The problem is, Katy didn’t have the same luxury her mother had.

The anger and loss of trust in her father took seed and grew in Katy’s mind and heart. The older Katy became the more resolved she became to never allow another man to hurt her.

In her book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, Dr. Meg  Meeker explains the important role fathers play in the lives of their daughters and how they can best utilize that role to instill strong moral values and healthy self-images in their daughters.

“Fathers are their daughters’ first experience of male love, compassion, kindness, anger, and cruelty. These early experiences are imprinted on a girl’s brain and heart. For the rest of her life, every experience she has with a male is filtered through her experiences with her father. So if she trusts her father at an early age, she is more likely to trust men. If she has been hurt by her father, she will shy away from men and/or make poor choices about who she allows into her life.”

Essentially, Katy’s mother denied Katy what every daughter has a right to, an attachment to the one person who could show her, via example how to relate to men as she grew older.  As a result, Katy grew up to fear intimate attachments. Men were disposable to Katy. They were of us to her but not to be trusted.

By the time Katy graduated from college she had, had 53 sex partners.

She also suffered from Agoraphobia and clinical depression. Alan had used drugs to self-medicate and deal with the pain, Katy used sex to lessen her pain and to prove to herself that she didn’t need a man.

After entering therapy Katy discovered that she did need a man, the man she had bonded with as a child. Katy’s mother treated Katy’s relationship with her father as insignificant. In turn, Katy learned to do the same. Katy eventually had to suffer the psychological consequences of her mother’s systematic and purposeful destruction of Katy’s relationship with her father.

Bottom line, Katy’s mother made poor choices which caused Katy to grow into a woman who would also make poor choices. If Katy’s love and admiration of her father had been preserved by a mother who put Katy’s needs first Katy and her father both would have been spared a lot of pain and despair.

Today Katy is a married mother of two. She has restored her relationship with her father and with the help of three years of intensive therapy has learned to value herself and relationships with others regardless of gender.

Alan and Katy are only two examples of the damage irrational parents can do to a child during divorce. Some would argue that they are only two out of millions of children who have experienced the divorce of a parent. That we can’t compare these stories to the stories of all children of divorce.

What we can do is learn from these stories, become aware of the fact that every child is an individual. Just because most children adjust does not mean all children adjust. And, parents who are divorcing should behave toward their children as individuals with needs that are heightened during such an emotional time in their life.

In other words, treat your children with kid gloves, make them your number one priority and never fail to understand that each parent plays a specific role in a child’s life and each is as needed and important as the other.

https://divorcedmoms.com/what-happens-when-the-weight-of-divorce-is-carried-by-children/

Is 'Semi-Separating' The New Divorce? by Sara Davison

You may have read my comments in the Daily Telegraph on Monday about a new way of breaking up which has been growing steadily in popularity, albeit under the radar. It's been termed "semi-separating'.

This is when a marriage is coming to an end but the couple decide not to leave the marital home and remain living together under the same roof.

It may seem a strange concept but there are many different reasons for staying in the same home after a breakup, which include:

• Uncertainty as to whether breaking up is the right decision
• Financial reasons
• The couple have children and don't want to break up the family environment
• Lifestyle choice
• Fear of change and of the unknown future apart
• The home is part of the family business and cannot be sold without damaging consequences

Often there is a slow and natural drifting apart that takes place as the relationship comes to an end. There are three stages in the semi-separating process before the final decision to divorce is made.

Stage 1: The couple take separate bedrooms. This is easily explained to the children by saying that Dad snores or Mum has to get up early to for work. It gives the couple each their own personal space which can help to alleviate tensions.

Stage 2: The couple alternate weekend child care responsibility. This means that they will each spend time alone with the kids at weekends. One parent will often be out or stay away when it's their weekend off.

Stage 3: The couple will no longer eat together in the evenings and will live separate lives during the week too.

There are some advantages to semi-separating as it can be a helpful and informative process:

• It makes a divorce easier for the kids as they become used to spending time alone with each parent and having quality time alone with each of them.
• It helps the couple get used to single parenting and often boosts confidence in their own abilities as parents.
• It allows both adults to get used to the idea and avoids rushing into divorce and having regrets.

However, there are some cases where semi-separating would not be a healthy option. For example, if the relationship is so bad that the home environment is toxic to live in. I am a big believer that divorce does not have to damage kids but it does very much depend on the parents' behaviour. If children are subjected to arguments and lots of tension there is a good case for a clean quick break.

Also, on going disagreements between the couple can damage their own potential for a healthy friendship and co-parenting relationship further down the line. Semi-separating may not be a wise option if:

• You are in an abusive relationship
• The children are exposed to a toxic environment and arguments
• Your confidence and self esteem is being eroded daily

In these cases a total separation would be a healthier option and protect both yourself and the children from any further damage.

Every breakup is different and there is not one solution that will work for every couple. Take some time to think carefully about what is best for your situation and don't be afraid to ask for advice from an expert if you need it.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/is-semiseparating-the-new_b_15379652.html?utm_hp_ref=uk-breakups

Successful Parenting After Separation By: Jonathan Brown

Separation is a challenging time for many parents because it is an adjustment to a new way of life. There are both positive and negative factors to separation and the corresponding changes, but one of the issues that can arise is the differences that parents may have in the ways that they parent the children. The key point or focus that parents need to address is that they must put the best interests of the children first, and that their role is to continue to be the best possible parents to their children, even though they no longer live in the same home.

In order to put the interests of the children first parents that are separated need to consider the following issues, and determine how they can accomplish the goal of putting their kids first and provide love, safety and security for their children.

Communication

Maintaining the lines of communication is critical to continue successfully parenting the children. Many incorrect assumptions are made that the other parent is aware of scheduling changes, school events, outings or other issues affecting the child. Often parents expect children to be the messengers between them, and this is a very difficult and emotionally harmful role for you child to have to play. Parents should discuss and determine a method that will allow them to continue to communicate about the children and to work together to make decisions in the best interests of the kids. This communication may be done by fax, email, voicemail, phone calls or
face-to-face meetings, depending on the level of comfort or conflict.

Flexibility

No matter how carefully you plan or schedule your life there are always things that come up out of your control. As parents it is important to realize that this can happen for you, your ex-spouse and your children. Try to be as flexible as possible and allow the other parent and the children to have time together whenever possible.

Joint decision making

If you are able to communicate as coparents it is important to keep in mind that joint decision-making is usually in the best interests of the children. For difficult or major decisions it is helpful to get the other parent's input and opinion to prevent further conflict down the line. Most parents want to be a part of their children's lives even if they don't live in the same home as the children, and using a joint decision making process helps them stay connected to the children and helps to provide a sense of security for the children.

Stay positive about the other parent

It is important to allow the children to have the most positive relationship that they possibly can with both of their parents. The more positive, respectful and civil that Mom and Dad can stay with each other the more comfortable, secure and stable the children will view their new lives. Children need to understand that separated parents are still Mom and Dad, and will still continue to be a part of their lives, even thought they live in different homes or even in different communities.

Keep explanations to children as simple as possible, and avoid any negative comments about the other parent. As separated parents stay flexible, communicate openly about the children and allow maximum contact between your children and the other parent

http://www.articlegeek.com/home/parenting_articles/parenting-after-separation.htm

Managing Handovers With Your Ex-Partner

If you are feeling awkward or upset at the prospect of facing your ex, then handovers can be very difficult. You may have to exercise some self-control just to stay calm.

If you still have very raw feelings about your ex, you may be tempted to use handovers as an opportunity to speak your mind. Keep in mind that children are very sensitive to the feelings and attitudes around them and that they will pick up on conflict between their parents. For your children’s sakes, it’s important to try and make handovers as pleasant as possible.

Some handover etiquette:

• Be courteous.
• Turn up on time - let the other parent know if you are delayed.
• Make sure the children have everything they need.
• Keep difficult conversations away from the children.
• If you are struggling with this, consider alternative ways of managing the handovers so that your children are protected.

Dealing with change over time

Transitions are difficult for everyone, especially in the early days. Coming face-to-face with your ex and saying goodbye to your children can bring up some very difficult feelings. It can help to have something planned for the time immediately following the handover so that you can remain upbeat. While it’s hard now, you may eventually come to value the opportunity to have some space to yourself.

Children have their own feelings to cope with at handover time. They will need time to settle down, adjust to being in a different home, and get used to their mum or dad not being there. Transitions can be sad reminders to children that their parents aren't together anymore and it's not unusual for young children to come home from a weekend with the other parent in a bad mood. Understanding this can help you manage your expectations, and cope with any changes in your child's behaviour.

Follow this link for further information on children in the middle after separation.https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/parenting-apart/managing-handovers-with-your-ex-partner/

Telling your children you are getting divorced

Telling your children you are getting divorced is one of the hardest aspects of separating. If you need some help to face this conversation, the following tips will get you on the right track.

Tell them what’s happening when something is changing

You might make the decision to separate long before you part and live in different houses. For young children, it’s best to wait and tell them you’re separating when the change is imminent. Older children might sense that something is wrong and ask questions. Only tell them you’re divorcing when you are sure you have reached that point. If you are there, and they ask, be honest. Show them you can handle the difficult conversation and listen to their concerns. Be sensitive to their timetable – try not to start difficult conversations directly before exams, birthdays or times when one of you will be away.

Do it together

If possible, do it with your ex-partner, and know in advance what you are both going to say. It’s often easiest to break the news at the weekend, ensuring that both of you are available for any questions your children might have. Present the news as a decision you both accept. The future co-parenting relationship will rely on a united front, so start as you mean to go on. Deal with any unresolved personal feelings in counselling, and not in front of the children. If you start talking about who’s decision it is, one of you will look weak, and the other will look like the decision maker. This is not a good long-term strategy for co-parenting.

The difference between sad and bad

It’s important that you frame the conversation in the right way. Don’t try and make it overly positive or present it as a great idea. Whatever relief you may be going through, your children are likely to see it differently at first. It’s OK to say that you are sad and it’s OK to cry (provided you stay in control). Blaming yourself and self-recrimination are not helpful. Try to help them accept that the end of marriage is a sad thing, not a bad thing. Divorce is a change and not the end of world. Go with their emotions; don’t try and change them. Feelings of sadness are expected, and its normal to feel sad after hearing this news.

Tell the truth

The truth doesn’t mean sharing everything. The ins and outs of your relationship wouldn’t normally be a topic of conversation so they shouldn’t suddenly become one just because you are separating. The truth is, you are getting divorced. One of you may have wanted it first but you have both come to agree that it’s the best way forward for your family. Don’t pretend you are trialling living apart or give children false hope of a reconciliation. Be honest if you don’t know the answers to their questions. Don’t promise unrealistic things just because you’re finding this a tough conversation.

Keep it short and simple

Stick to the facts and focus on the future. The children must process the news and this will take some time. You may need to repeat the conversation several times – particularly for small children. Try to preempt any questions you think they will ask – especially ‘Why?’ Have a short answer you both stick to and repeat it every time the why question is asked. Be very clear with children of all ages that this is not their fault. Nothing they have done or could have done would have changed anything – repeat this several times.

Tell all your children at the same time

This will ensure that everyone hears the same thing and no one feels excluded.  They may take comfort from each other. It’s fine to follow up with individual conversations with each child. This will help you answer specific concerns and help you give more age-appropriate reassurances.

Being emotional is OK

A lot of parents feel they need to ‘be the rock’ in this situation. It’s OK to be emotional when you tell your children – after all, it is sad news. If you are upset in front of the children this will indicate to them that it’s OK for them to be sad, that this release is natural and necessary. Being angry or bad-mouthing your ex-partner is harmful. If you feel like you might react like this, seek advice so you can prepare properly and avoid any harm.

Prepare yourself for a reaction

Your children may have a big reaction to the news or no reaction at all. Address how they are feeling and stay calm. They have heard what you’ve said and are trying to process it in their own way. Most reactions, however upsetting, are perfectly normal. If things don’t get better over time, this may indicate your child has got stuck in an emotional cycle of behaviour. Seek help if you’re worried – speak to a child counsellor or your GP.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/parenting-apart/telling-your-children-you-are-getting-divorced/?platform=hootsuite

Seven Long-Term Lessons From Parenting After Divorce by Toby Hazlewood

I divorced in 2006 at the age of 30, with two kids then aged 3 and 7. My overriding feelings were of fear and uncertainty, and as I considered my future, I could only contemplate the loss of things I’d previously taken for granted, most worryingly my role as a parent.

The divorce was amicable but there were still differences to resolve. Around 18 months after first parting we’d moved on sufficiently such that we could consider co-parenting (where each parent fulfils an equal or near-equal part of the parenting role). We discussed, then established an arrangement where our daughters would live with each of us on alternate weeks and move between our new homes on the Monday of each week. That was in 2007. The arrangement has evolved over time but remains in place today.

As our eldest heads off to university this September and with both my ex and I having since remarried other people, now seems an appropriate time for a bit of reflection. We’ve all grown significantly in our lives following divorce, we’ve learned a lot and enjoyed many highs and just as many lows as any family separated or otherwise would face.

Co-parenting is by no means the norm in divorced families but in our case we both remained committed to raising the girls and playing an active part in their childhood; our relationship as husband and wife was over but our parenting role will last for all time. Co-parenting presented a means of preserving this involvement in the kids’ lives, but also a good way of allowing each of us to move forwards individually too.

For the last year we’ve co-parented them from a single home in an arrangement known as ‘Nesting’; the kids live full-time in an apartment and their mum and I come and go for alternate weeks using a third bedroom equipped as a hotel room, living-in as resident parent of the week.

It’s unconventional but it seems to suit the girls well and both our new partners seem to accept it as part of delivering on our parenting commitments.

I wanted to share some of the lessons that I’ve learned in 10+ years since divorce. I hope that many of these will apply whether co-parenting is feasible after divorce or not, and at whatever stage a separated family is at, post-split.

1) Kids are extremely resilient and adaptable to change. Kids are remarkably hardy, and way more perceptive than we give them credit for. This isn’t a license to chop and change things whenever it suits you, nor should you underestimate the importance of structure and routine in their lives. Divorced parents are often fearful for the long-term effects on the confidence, contentedness and accomplishments of their kids. In my experience however, kids always adapt, bounce-back and even thrive in life provided that you keep their interests at the forefront of your mind.

2) You cannot make kids adapt any quicker than they naturally want to. They’re adaptable to change but it’s pointless to try and force them to adapt any quicker than they naturally will. Creating an amazing bedroom for them in your new home, taking them on exciting holidays or packing weekends with entertainment and treats won’t help them adapt to separated family life any quicker, although you may prompt resentment in your ex! Just like adults, kids take time to work through things and accept their new reality. Even though our co-parenting setup was infinitely better for all involved, it still took them time to settle into it. The same has been true as I’ve remarried and brought two step-siblings into their lives and their mum has remarried too. In each change in life after divorce, expect a period of adaptation that will take as long as it takes.

3) Being a single parent (even if you find a new partner at some stage) demands many additional roles of you. You must embrace this rather than just survive it. Even with regular and ongoing input from both me and their mum, I’ve been required to fill a fair share of the roles that mum would fill in a non-separated family. I doubt any dad feels instantly equipped to shop for tights, sanitary products or training bras, but I’ve learned and dealt with it. Such experiences have encouraged a closer relationship with more open communication between us than I might have enjoyed if not divorced. I’m grateful for that.

4) Always talk respectfully of your ex and don’t make your kids a go-between. In the aftermath of divorce when communications are strained, it can be tempting to pass messages via the kids. This simply isn’t fair, nor is it their role. As they get older, they become more aware of what it means for you to be talking disrespectfully of your ex. They may also relay things you say to the other parent if they think it will further their own agenda. At all times it’s far preferable to speak respectfully to and of the ex, if only for the benefit of your kids.

5) Your kids just want you to be happy. They will likely recognise that if you’re happy in yourself, it makes you a happy and effective parent to them. They love you and as they get older will likely encourage you to pursue your own happiness too, even if it results in the unconventional scenario where they’re offering you dating advice!

6) Protecting the sanctity of your separated family structure is key. If and when you enter into a new relationship, it’s essential that you protect your parenting arrangement from outside comment and influence. Too often I see established separated families crumbling when a new partner comes onto the scene and takes issue with the kids and/or the close contact that the divorced parents have with each other. A jealous new partner can disrupt your ongoing contact and damage the setup irrevocably which is not in anybody’s best interests (besides perhaps their own). It happened to me in a failed relationship between my marriages and I’m lucky there was no lasting damage in the relationship with my kids.

7) Just when you think you’ve got it all on an even keel, something else will change. Just like when a kid starts sleeping through, teething ends, and the terrible-twos become a distant memory, as one period of challenge ends, so a new one will begin. Teenage hormones will rage, manipulations and tantrums will become complex, calculated and sophisticated. Life moves forwards, you move on, your kids become their own people. Don’t resist it; embrace that fact. Things change!

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As I reflect on life since divorce, I’m proud of how far we’ve come. My fears at the outset were seemingly unfounded and I believe my kids have come through it unharmed. They’re both well-adjusted, popular, confident, academically accomplished and balanced young women (and I realise I’m biased as their dad!)

Each time I think I’ve got it figured out, something else comes up to prove me wrong for getting complacent. This is a common thread of parenting though, whether after divorce or not.

We are all going through a process of change and evolution in life. It’s what makes us who we are, it prompts us to grow, develop and strive for the things we strive for.

As I remind myself often, the role of parenting and raising your kids never really ends anyway; divorced or not, we’re all in it for the long-haul!

Toby

You can access further tools, services, support and insight intended to help those currently managing the challenges of divorce and separation via Facebook.com/divorcedlifestyledesigner or divorcedlifestyledesign.comhttps://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/7-long-term-lessons-from-parenting-after-divorce_uk_5aa76b55e4b0e37f40418a56?utm_hp_ref=uk-children-of-divorce