4 BEHAVIOURS ARE THE MOST RELIABLE PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE

A study was so striking it spurred researchers to label the four behaviours 'the four horsemen of the apocalypse'

Ever been in the middle of a heated argument when suddenly the other person pulls out their phone and starts texting?

If the answer is yes, and if you find it happening constantly, we hope that person isn't your significant other.

This behavior, known as stonewalling, is one of four reactions that John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the founder of the Gottman Institute, has identified as a telltale sign that all is not well with a married couple.

In fact, when Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson lumped stonewalling together with three other behaviours — contempt, criticism, and defensiveness — and measured how often they occurred within the span of a 15-minute conversation, they found they could predict which marriages would end in divorce with striking precision.

When the psychologists added questions about things like relationship satisfaction and how many times the research subjects had thoughts about separating to the mix, they could predict which marriages would end in divorce 93% of the time.

The figure, which comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period), was so striking it spurred the researchers to label the four behaviours "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."

While that initial study, published in 2002, was small and focused on a specific population, a decade of research into marriage and divorce has lent further support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviours.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.

So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviours actually look like in a relationship?

1. Contempt

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.

This behavior alone, Gottman told Business Insider, is "the kiss of death" for a relationship.

Take an everyday argument about buying groceries, for example. When you come home and realize your significant other has picked up habanero peppers rather than bell peppers for tonight's stir-fry dinner, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?

The reason contempt is so powerful is because it means you've closed yourself off to your partner's needs and emotions.

If you constantly feel smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other, you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

2. Criticism

Like contempt, criticism involves turning a behavior (something your partner did) into a statement about his or her character (the type of person he or she is).

Say your partner has a nasty habit of leaving his or her used cereal bowl — calcified, uneaten cereal-and-milk remnants and all — around the house.

Do you wait until he or she gets home to mention that the behavior bothers you, and gently suggest that he or she put the emptied bowl in the sink or dishwasher instead? Or do you think to yourself, "Why am I dating the type of person who abandons half-eaten cereal bowls around the house?"

Over time, these personal detractions can add up, feeding darker feelings of resentment and contempt.

3. Defensiveness

If you find yourself regularly playing the victim in tough situations with your partner, you might be guilty of being defensive.

Take being late to a cousin's wedding, for example. Are you the first to say, "It wasn't my fault!" when you finally arrive? Or do you think it over before you accuse the other person, realizing you probably shouldn't have taken a two-hour shower when you only had an hour to get ready?

Taking responsibility for your role in a tough situation can be uncomfortable, but it's often what keeps a bad situation from escalating, says Gottman.

He's found that for couples who divorce within the first several years of their marriage — one of the times when divorce rates are highest — "entering negativity is like stepping into a quicksand bog. It’s easy to enter but hard to exit."

4. Stonewalling

You know when an argument is about to start. You can feel your heart rate increase and your voice get just a tiny bit louder. But the moment things start to get heated, do you pull out your phone, walk away, or simply ignore your partner?

Blocking off conversation can be just as toxic for a relationship as contempt because it keeps you from addressing an underlying issue.

We know: Getting into arguments with your partner is the opposite of a good time. But these temporarily uncomfortable situations are oftentimes the place where you can start to come to big realizations about your own behavior and solve potentially damaging problems.

Don't panic

It's important to keep in mind that occasionally displaying any one of these behaviours — or all of them, even — is completely normal.

It's when these negative behaviours happen so frequently that they replace more positive interactions with your partner that can be cause for concern.

Simply recognizing that you're doing something that could be hurting your relationship is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll probably make the relationship even stronger.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/4-behaviours-are-the-most-reliable-predictors-of-divorce-a6881616.html

Fidelity Series: 10 Signs Your Partner Might be Cheating on You

Sadly, an unfaithful partner has burned many of us who long for monogamous relationships. At one moment everything seems amazing between the two of you and the next, you’re telling them to pack their bags. But weren’t there signs? Yes, there were. Behavior changes in our partners may feel subtle, but they can act as huge red flags that tell us that something is up. Psych2Go has a new list for you: here are 10 signs your partner might be cheating on you.

Of course, everyone may be a little guilty of these behaviors at one time or another, but it’s all about what feels out of place for us and what seems excessive.

1. They’re Obsessed With Their Looks

Has your partner been taking more of an interest in their beauty as of late? Are they hitting way more gym hours than they usually do? Are they making more of a point to show this newfound hotness on their social media? Sure, they might just be doing it for themselves… but their new look might not be just for you. Now remember, loving the gym doesn’t make someone unfaithful. But if someone’s cheating on you, chances are, they’re pumping iron.

2. They’re No Longer Interested in Sex With You

It’s natural for couples to have less sex as their relationship progresses. Most of us know this, and though some of us can’t always have sex with our partners every day, many of us have no problem trying to keep the intimacy alive. But when a partner withdrawals abruptly on sexual activity, they shoot up a huge red flag of infidelity. Partners who constantly refuse or postpone sex may just be saving their sexual energy for another partner.

3. They Are More Attentive to You Than Normal

Just as it can be a warning for a partner to withdraw sexually, it can also be telling when a partner begins to show you a little too much affection. A partner that cheats may give you constant displays of affection and might even want to have sex with you more times in a day than you can take! While some people who cheat lack the cognitive dissonance necessary to feel guilt for their actions, leaving them feeling justified, these affectionate cheaters tend to smother you because they feel guilt for their betrayal.

4. They Constantly Talk Badly About Another Person

You could also just take this at face value: they may just not like that person. But there’s room for judgment here. Is your partner constantly complaining about a co-worker or friend, telling you how gross and unattractive they are? Is that person… not that unattractive? They might be trying to throw off the suspicion that that same person is a secret lover.

5. They are Constantly Arguing With You

Has your partner been constantly picking fights with you? Do they get irritated by things that you say, even after you tell them you don’t mean any harm? They might be showing their softer side to someone else. This behavior can be explained by the resentment a partner feels when they are unhappy in a relationship. They may be comparing you to their newer partner and condemning you for not being like them.

Some cheating partners may even threaten to end the relationship, suggesting breakups in the middle of arguments. This might feel cruel and controlling, but what they really want is for you to agree and break up with them, thus solving the problem they’ve created.

6. They Have Low Self-Esteem

Does your partner seek constant validation? Is the validation you give not enough? Partners with low self-esteem may seek or respond to validation from strangers in regard to their looks and desirability. Interested strangers at bars easily woo these flirty people, as well as appealing Instagram profiles that slide into their DMs. If you don’t tell them on a daily basis that they are your world, they’ll find someone else that does.

7. They get Defensive With Their Social Media and Phones

Yes, we’re all entitled to our privacy. Being in a relationship with someone does not grant you automatic access to their phone and social media passwords. But are they a little too guarded about their screens? If a partner works to ensure you don’t see who or what they text or gets snappy with you when you glance at their screen, it might just be because there’s something there they don’t want you to see.

8. They Get Texts at Odd Hours From Strange Numbers

Isn’t it nice to watch a movie with your significant other on their nice 15-inch laptop? Trust me, it’s not so nice when an iMessage pops up from a random phone number asking your partner “How’s your night going?”. Because we all know that no platonic friend is asking your partner “how their night is going” at 1 am. Does their phone light up with messages from unlisted numbers and “friends” you’ve never heard of until now? Your partner probably has some explaining to do.

9. They Project Their Behavior Onto You

Mirroring is a common defense mechanism that many people use to ease themselves of their wrongdoings. People who mirror project their mistakes or undesirable traits onto other people, enabling them to condemn the things they don’t like about themselves, without having to feel any real shame. People who cheat may mirror their behavior onto you by accusing you of cheating. This can be brought up as a serious accusation, or even a repeated joke.

10. Your Intuition is Telling You Something Is Wrong

This sounds a little vague. But it’s true! No one knows the inner workings of your relationship better than you do. When your partner’s overall demeanor – and the feeling you get from your relationship – changes, there’s no one better than you to understand that something is up. Listen to your gut. It’s important to remember that you cannot accuse anyone of cheating or dishonesty without any proof, but it’s always a good idea to open up a discussion about how you feel things have been different.

https://psych2go.net/10-signs-your-partner-might-be-cheating-on-you/

10 Marital Problems That Cause Divorce. BY CATHY MEYER

Is your marriage plagued with any of these problems?

All marriages are impacted by problems. Marital problems cause couples to seek a divorce on a daily basis. Whether or not a marriage survives when a problem hits depends on the problem and how a couple decides to deal with that problem

Couples who are able to work together in resolving conflict are more likely to be able to save their marriage. Couples who lack the proper conflict resolution skills may find themselves in divorce court for problems that could have easily been solved.

Below is a list of 10 marital problems that may cause divorce 

Consider how you are currently dealing with these issues, and how you could better deal with these issues for the sake of your marriage.

1. Money problems.

Most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues. How you decide to deal with money problems in your marriage will determine whether those problems has a negative or positive effect on your marriage.

If Jane loves Gucci shoes and Dick has a blue collar job, Jane and Dick are going to face having to resolve the problem of Jane's expensive taste and Dick's low income. I wouldn't put money on Dick winning that argument and more than likely, Jane has poor conflict resolving skills. I'm sure that Jane will be disappointed when she finds out that alimony is hard to get these days and even if she did, it wouldn't cover the cost of a new pair of Gucci sandals.

2. Children.

Discipline, diet, and other parenting issues can be sources of disagreement between couples. A child is the number one stressor in a marriage and can accentuate differences in beliefs on issues like how to discipline, who is responsible for most of the child care or what educational options to choose.

And, there is the matter of lost sleep, who has to change dirty diapers, run after them when they start walking and the exorbitant cost of daycare. It's easy to see who children can put a strain on even the best marriage. 

3. Sex.

Frequency, quantity, quality, and infidelity are all common sources of stress and disharmony in a marriage. Withholding sex to punish a spouse, breaks the marital bond. Cheating on a spouse destroys trust. Sex can be a HUGE issue when it comes to undoing the vows you took. 

Sex is wonderful until it isn't anymore!

4. Time apart.

Time apart and a lack of quality time together causes couples to become out of sync with each other. Having shared interests and activities you participate in on a regular basis helps couples stay connected. 

Military couples fall victim to this problem in their marriages. Enduring long deployments and constant temporary assignments away from home couples have to have a special bond for a marriage to last. 

5. Household Responsibilities.

Many couples argue over equitable distribution of household work, and how to do it. Instead of sitting down and dividing household chores fairly they quibble over who did or didn’t do what. Don't quibble or divide up chores, you're adults, if you see something that needs to be done, do it.

Or, decide together to split household chores based on those you each enjoy or can tolerate the best.

6. Friends.

Not all friends are helpful to relationships some of them are toxic. Be sure you know the difference between a friend who will enhance your relationship and one who will break it down.

7. Irritating habits.

Many people are married to someone who has one or more habits they find undesirable. My ex never got angry with me. I ask him once why and told him there had to be things I did that irritated him. He responded by telling me he “loved everything about me.” This was shortly before he decided he no longer loved me! So, don’t be afraid to point out habits that irritate you, just be sure you do it in a non-defensive way.

8. Family.

In-laws, siblings, children and step-children can all create stress within a marriage.

When coping with negative issues because of family step gently. Our spouse should come first but there are times you have to be willing to take a backseat and bite your tongue.

9. Expectations.

We all go into marriage with certain expectations. Most of the time, marriage is the opposite of what we expected. We romanticize marriage and become disillusioned once those romantic expectations aren’t met. Unmet expectations are a major source of conflict in marriages.

10. Personality conflicts.

Is your personality ruining your marriage? There are personality traits that can doom a marriage to failure. Are you a conflict avoider? Do you like to “one-up your spouse? Do you bend over backward to please your spouse, neglecting your needs in the process? If you answered yes to any of these, your need to work on changes these negative personality traits.

Each of the above is a very common problem dealt with in a marriage. Although they are problems, they can also be opportunities for growth, learning, and accord. Whether these issues remain problems causing stress in your marriage or become an opportunity for growth is up to you.

https://www.liveabout.com/marital-problems-that-cause-divorce-1102945