4 BEHAVIOURS ARE THE MOST RELIABLE PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE

A study was so striking it spurred researchers to label the four behaviours 'the four horsemen of the apocalypse'

Ever been in the middle of a heated argument when suddenly the other person pulls out their phone and starts texting?

If the answer is yes, and if you find it happening constantly, we hope that person isn't your significant other.

This behavior, known as stonewalling, is one of four reactions that John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the founder of the Gottman Institute, has identified as a telltale sign that all is not well with a married couple.

In fact, when Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson lumped stonewalling together with three other behaviours — contempt, criticism, and defensiveness — and measured how often they occurred within the span of a 15-minute conversation, they found they could predict which marriages would end in divorce with striking precision.

When the psychologists added questions about things like relationship satisfaction and how many times the research subjects had thoughts about separating to the mix, they could predict which marriages would end in divorce 93% of the time.

The figure, which comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period), was so striking it spurred the researchers to label the four behaviours "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."

While that initial study, published in 2002, was small and focused on a specific population, a decade of research into marriage and divorce has lent further support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviours.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.

So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviours actually look like in a relationship?

1. Contempt

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.

This behavior alone, Gottman told Business Insider, is "the kiss of death" for a relationship.

Take an everyday argument about buying groceries, for example. When you come home and realize your significant other has picked up habanero peppers rather than bell peppers for tonight's stir-fry dinner, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?

The reason contempt is so powerful is because it means you've closed yourself off to your partner's needs and emotions.

If you constantly feel smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other, you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

2. Criticism

Like contempt, criticism involves turning a behavior (something your partner did) into a statement about his or her character (the type of person he or she is).

Say your partner has a nasty habit of leaving his or her used cereal bowl — calcified, uneaten cereal-and-milk remnants and all — around the house.

Do you wait until he or she gets home to mention that the behavior bothers you, and gently suggest that he or she put the emptied bowl in the sink or dishwasher instead? Or do you think to yourself, "Why am I dating the type of person who abandons half-eaten cereal bowls around the house?"

Over time, these personal detractions can add up, feeding darker feelings of resentment and contempt.

3. Defensiveness

If you find yourself regularly playing the victim in tough situations with your partner, you might be guilty of being defensive.

Take being late to a cousin's wedding, for example. Are you the first to say, "It wasn't my fault!" when you finally arrive? Or do you think it over before you accuse the other person, realizing you probably shouldn't have taken a two-hour shower when you only had an hour to get ready?

Taking responsibility for your role in a tough situation can be uncomfortable, but it's often what keeps a bad situation from escalating, says Gottman.

He's found that for couples who divorce within the first several years of their marriage — one of the times when divorce rates are highest — "entering negativity is like stepping into a quicksand bog. It’s easy to enter but hard to exit."

4. Stonewalling

You know when an argument is about to start. You can feel your heart rate increase and your voice get just a tiny bit louder. But the moment things start to get heated, do you pull out your phone, walk away, or simply ignore your partner?

Blocking off conversation can be just as toxic for a relationship as contempt because it keeps you from addressing an underlying issue.

We know: Getting into arguments with your partner is the opposite of a good time. But these temporarily uncomfortable situations are oftentimes the place where you can start to come to big realizations about your own behavior and solve potentially damaging problems.

Don't panic

It's important to keep in mind that occasionally displaying any one of these behaviours — or all of them, even — is completely normal.

It's when these negative behaviours happen so frequently that they replace more positive interactions with your partner that can be cause for concern.

Simply recognizing that you're doing something that could be hurting your relationship is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll probably make the relationship even stronger.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/4-behaviours-are-the-most-reliable-predictors-of-divorce-a6881616.html

Getting Divorced: January Is Divorce Season

Divorce is often a difficult journey and whilst that journey varies from person to person, almost everyone only reaches their Divorce Monday after having tried harder than most people can imagine possible. Whilst there's no denying that divorce is a hard path to take, it's certainly no failure.

Did you know January is the most popular month for getting divorced? Over twice as many people file for divorce in January as file for it in the second most popular month - September. Divorce Monday - the most popular day for a divorce - falls on the first working Monday of the month. It must be the come down from all that turkey and chocolates, and to be fair there's always a bit of a lull in the office that day - I guess people need to fill their time somehow.

The mainstream media tells it how it is.Divorce Monday reflects all that is wrong with society 'nowadays'; a society where people are unwilling to put in effort, where couples walk away from commitments too easily and flit from one bad decision to the next searching for instant gratification. Many countries, including the UK, don't allow no-fault divorce, fearing it encourages higher divorce rates.

Some campaigners have suggested solutions to these problems. Limits should be introduced on when you can petition for a divorce. Divorce Monday may become Divorce Tuesday. Perhaps we could keep limiting it until we run out of days in the week. In fact, a disproportionate number of people who divorce got engaged at the weekend - let's cancel those too. Why stop there though? Marriage is the root of all these problems, without it there'd be no divorce. Let's just be done with it and scrap marriage (*JOKE*).

My own Divorce Monday came over two years ago. It's been one hell of a journey since then, and of course it started well before the day I sent off that paperwork. Divorce is not a good thing in and of itself, just as it's not a universally bad thing. Divorce is an outcome for many people which they need. It is a result which only they can know if it is right for them, and only they can know when it is right for them. For many people, that will be this January.

It is sad that Divorce Monday exists, I don't deny that. Believe me, I've shed enough tears to know divorce is tough. It's not sad because of some imagined blight divorce represents on our society though. It's sad because it represents the end of someone's hopes and dreams and it often hides many months, if not years, of unhappiness at best (and much worse for many). Divorce is often a difficult journey and whilst that journey varies from person to person, almost everyone only reaches their Divorce Monday after having tried harder than most people can imagine possible. Whilst there's no denying that divorce is a hard path to take, it's certainly no failure.

So if you are one of those getting divorced this January I want to tell you this.

Getting divorced will be the hardest and most rewarding thing you have ever done. It may sound strange to call a divorce rewarding, but I'm guessing you ain't happy with how things are going and you haven't been for quite some time. Lots of people contemplate divorce but decide it isn't right for them. None of us get that far into the idea of divorce without good reason. I have no idea what yours may be. A loveless marriage. Constant arguing. Abuse. Boredom. Infidelity. Addiction. The list goes on. It doesn't matter your reason. It just matters that it's yours. Filing for divorce represents an end of hope. An end to the belief that things will get better. Maybe the hope was extinguished suddenly, or perhaps you've finally realised it's been dying for some time now. The one thing I know for certain though is that hope keeps us in a bad marriage more than love ever could.

If you are getting divorced this month just remember you're not alone. This will be a tough path to take but in time your life will become happier. Not just happier from now, in the first days of divorce, but from how it was in the last days of marriage. After all, that's what divorce is about. It is not about walking away, giving up, making a bad decision or whatever else others want to claim it is, it's about getting out of an unhappy/ unhealthy/ un-[insert your adjective of choice] marriage. It can be a long journey but you will find the strength. To those divorcing this January, I wish you the best of luck with it.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ella-davis/getting-divorced-january-_b_14232600.html

Fidelity Series: 10 Signs Your Partner Might be Cheating on You

Sadly, an unfaithful partner has burned many of us who long for monogamous relationships. At one moment everything seems amazing between the two of you and the next, you’re telling them to pack their bags. But weren’t there signs? Yes, there were. Behavior changes in our partners may feel subtle, but they can act as huge red flags that tell us that something is up. Psych2Go has a new list for you: here are 10 signs your partner might be cheating on you.

Of course, everyone may be a little guilty of these behaviors at one time or another, but it’s all about what feels out of place for us and what seems excessive.

1. They’re Obsessed With Their Looks

Has your partner been taking more of an interest in their beauty as of late? Are they hitting way more gym hours than they usually do? Are they making more of a point to show this newfound hotness on their social media? Sure, they might just be doing it for themselves… but their new look might not be just for you. Now remember, loving the gym doesn’t make someone unfaithful. But if someone’s cheating on you, chances are, they’re pumping iron.

2. They’re No Longer Interested in Sex With You

It’s natural for couples to have less sex as their relationship progresses. Most of us know this, and though some of us can’t always have sex with our partners every day, many of us have no problem trying to keep the intimacy alive. But when a partner withdrawals abruptly on sexual activity, they shoot up a huge red flag of infidelity. Partners who constantly refuse or postpone sex may just be saving their sexual energy for another partner.

3. They Are More Attentive to You Than Normal

Just as it can be a warning for a partner to withdraw sexually, it can also be telling when a partner begins to show you a little too much affection. A partner that cheats may give you constant displays of affection and might even want to have sex with you more times in a day than you can take! While some people who cheat lack the cognitive dissonance necessary to feel guilt for their actions, leaving them feeling justified, these affectionate cheaters tend to smother you because they feel guilt for their betrayal.

4. They Constantly Talk Badly About Another Person

You could also just take this at face value: they may just not like that person. But there’s room for judgment here. Is your partner constantly complaining about a co-worker or friend, telling you how gross and unattractive they are? Is that person… not that unattractive? They might be trying to throw off the suspicion that that same person is a secret lover.

5. They are Constantly Arguing With You

Has your partner been constantly picking fights with you? Do they get irritated by things that you say, even after you tell them you don’t mean any harm? They might be showing their softer side to someone else. This behavior can be explained by the resentment a partner feels when they are unhappy in a relationship. They may be comparing you to their newer partner and condemning you for not being like them.

Some cheating partners may even threaten to end the relationship, suggesting breakups in the middle of arguments. This might feel cruel and controlling, but what they really want is for you to agree and break up with them, thus solving the problem they’ve created.

6. They Have Low Self-Esteem

Does your partner seek constant validation? Is the validation you give not enough? Partners with low self-esteem may seek or respond to validation from strangers in regard to their looks and desirability. Interested strangers at bars easily woo these flirty people, as well as appealing Instagram profiles that slide into their DMs. If you don’t tell them on a daily basis that they are your world, they’ll find someone else that does.

7. They get Defensive With Their Social Media and Phones

Yes, we’re all entitled to our privacy. Being in a relationship with someone does not grant you automatic access to their phone and social media passwords. But are they a little too guarded about their screens? If a partner works to ensure you don’t see who or what they text or gets snappy with you when you glance at their screen, it might just be because there’s something there they don’t want you to see.

8. They Get Texts at Odd Hours From Strange Numbers

Isn’t it nice to watch a movie with your significant other on their nice 15-inch laptop? Trust me, it’s not so nice when an iMessage pops up from a random phone number asking your partner “How’s your night going?”. Because we all know that no platonic friend is asking your partner “how their night is going” at 1 am. Does their phone light up with messages from unlisted numbers and “friends” you’ve never heard of until now? Your partner probably has some explaining to do.

9. They Project Their Behavior Onto You

Mirroring is a common defense mechanism that many people use to ease themselves of their wrongdoings. People who mirror project their mistakes or undesirable traits onto other people, enabling them to condemn the things they don’t like about themselves, without having to feel any real shame. People who cheat may mirror their behavior onto you by accusing you of cheating. This can be brought up as a serious accusation, or even a repeated joke.

10. Your Intuition is Telling You Something Is Wrong

This sounds a little vague. But it’s true! No one knows the inner workings of your relationship better than you do. When your partner’s overall demeanor – and the feeling you get from your relationship – changes, there’s no one better than you to understand that something is up. Listen to your gut. It’s important to remember that you cannot accuse anyone of cheating or dishonesty without any proof, but it’s always a good idea to open up a discussion about how you feel things have been different.

https://psych2go.net/10-signs-your-partner-might-be-cheating-on-you/

The psychology of seduction | Raj Persaud | TEDxUniversityofBristol

How to Begin Again | Beverly Willett | TEDxSavannah

#AskMel: Should I stay in this relationship? | Mel Robbins

5 Signs that Tell You When It’s Time to Leave a Relationship. By Ash Osborne

Relationships can be tricky. They’re amazing when they’re going well but if something happens, or you’re on a rocky road, they can be painful. If you’ve been with someone a long time, you can start to get stuck in a routine. You might not necessarily notice the behaviour of your other half because it’s become the norm to you. Taking a step back and looking at your relationship from a different viewpoint can be really beneficial and help you to gain perspective on a scenario.

There is no ‘perfect’ relationship. Even the happiest of couples can have arguments, disagreements and temporary breakups. That’s life. But there is a time when you have to look at your relationship without rose-tinted glasses and see if those small arguments are actually escalating into massive rows. Sometimes, you have to leave a relationship and put yourself first to be happy. So, Psych2Go shares 5 signs that tell you when it’s time to leave a relationship.

1) You’re consistently unhappy.

Any relationship, be it friends, family or romantic, should bring you happiness. You should look forward to seeing your partner, and enjoy spending time with them. Obviously, you can’t be constantly happy in a relationship because that’s not realistic. But you should feel supported, safe and loved. If you start to feel consistently unhappy, maybe it‘s time to ask yourself why. Maybe it’s you, or it may be your partner. It‘s good to understand why you’re feeling unhappy so you can either fix the problem or choose to leave. There is no shame to admit that your relationship is not offering you the same support and contentment that it once was.

2) You’re travelling on different paths.

Sometimes, you can start a relationship in one place. But as you grow, you can change mindsets. Long-term relationships can be amazing as you can grow and change with your partner, but sometimes you can grow and change at a different rate to your partner. If you’re moving in different directions to your partner, it can be difficult to navigate a relationship. Also, if you’re in a different place emotionally, you might not want the same things. In this case, it’s best for both of you to separate amicably. It’s a good thing to discuss what each of you wants from a relationship if you’re going to be serious about a partner.

3) Lack of support

In a relationship, support is key. You want to feel that your partner believes in what you’re doing and is behind you 100%. But if that support isn’t there, you can start to feel let down and unfulfilled. Emotional support is also really important. If you’re not feeling that in your relationship, it can be damaging and can affect your happiness. If you don’t feel like your partner is invested in you and is behind you all the way, then it might be time to consider having a conversation about your relationship with your partner.

4) Abuse of any sort

By this, I mean emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and so on. If your partner has abused you in any way, then that is a clear sign you should, at least, consider leaving. Abuse is very damaging, and the abuser can often try and convince you to stay in the relationship. If this is the case, you should leave for your own safety. It can be very difficult to leave a relationship like that, but there are hotlines available to contact should you need to. Here is the link to a document with the number of any hotlines should you feel you need to use them. Remember, you’re not alone in this.

5) Lack of trust

The foundation of all relationships should be trust. The trust between you and your partner should be strong. If it isn’t, that could mean you doubt their actions. As a result, this could possibly lead to jealousy. If you don’t trust your partner, you could work on it and try to rebuild it. Losing trust is often a sign that something is wrong within your relationship, and you’ll need to address it. However, if you’re past the rebuilding phase (maybe your partner betrayed your trust too many times), ending the relationship could be a possibility. There is no shame admitting you can’t be with someone you don’t fully trust. It’s all about what makes you happy.

https://psych2go.net/5-signs-that-tell-you-when-its-time-to-leave-a-relationship/

Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012

10 Marital Problems That Cause Divorce. BY CATHY MEYER

Is your marriage plagued with any of these problems?

All marriages are impacted by problems. Marital problems cause couples to seek a divorce on a daily basis. Whether or not a marriage survives when a problem hits depends on the problem and how a couple decides to deal with that problem

Couples who are able to work together in resolving conflict are more likely to be able to save their marriage. Couples who lack the proper conflict resolution skills may find themselves in divorce court for problems that could have easily been solved.

Below is a list of 10 marital problems that may cause divorce 

Consider how you are currently dealing with these issues, and how you could better deal with these issues for the sake of your marriage.

1. Money problems.

Most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues. How you decide to deal with money problems in your marriage will determine whether those problems has a negative or positive effect on your marriage.

If Jane loves Gucci shoes and Dick has a blue collar job, Jane and Dick are going to face having to resolve the problem of Jane's expensive taste and Dick's low income. I wouldn't put money on Dick winning that argument and more than likely, Jane has poor conflict resolving skills. I'm sure that Jane will be disappointed when she finds out that alimony is hard to get these days and even if she did, it wouldn't cover the cost of a new pair of Gucci sandals.

2. Children.

Discipline, diet, and other parenting issues can be sources of disagreement between couples. A child is the number one stressor in a marriage and can accentuate differences in beliefs on issues like how to discipline, who is responsible for most of the child care or what educational options to choose.

And, there is the matter of lost sleep, who has to change dirty diapers, run after them when they start walking and the exorbitant cost of daycare. It's easy to see who children can put a strain on even the best marriage. 

3. Sex.

Frequency, quantity, quality, and infidelity are all common sources of stress and disharmony in a marriage. Withholding sex to punish a spouse, breaks the marital bond. Cheating on a spouse destroys trust. Sex can be a HUGE issue when it comes to undoing the vows you took. 

Sex is wonderful until it isn't anymore!

4. Time apart.

Time apart and a lack of quality time together causes couples to become out of sync with each other. Having shared interests and activities you participate in on a regular basis helps couples stay connected. 

Military couples fall victim to this problem in their marriages. Enduring long deployments and constant temporary assignments away from home couples have to have a special bond for a marriage to last. 

5. Household Responsibilities.

Many couples argue over equitable distribution of household work, and how to do it. Instead of sitting down and dividing household chores fairly they quibble over who did or didn’t do what. Don't quibble or divide up chores, you're adults, if you see something that needs to be done, do it.

Or, decide together to split household chores based on those you each enjoy or can tolerate the best.

6. Friends.

Not all friends are helpful to relationships some of them are toxic. Be sure you know the difference between a friend who will enhance your relationship and one who will break it down.

7. Irritating habits.

Many people are married to someone who has one or more habits they find undesirable. My ex never got angry with me. I ask him once why and told him there had to be things I did that irritated him. He responded by telling me he “loved everything about me.” This was shortly before he decided he no longer loved me! So, don’t be afraid to point out habits that irritate you, just be sure you do it in a non-defensive way.

8. Family.

In-laws, siblings, children and step-children can all create stress within a marriage.

When coping with negative issues because of family step gently. Our spouse should come first but there are times you have to be willing to take a backseat and bite your tongue.

9. Expectations.

We all go into marriage with certain expectations. Most of the time, marriage is the opposite of what we expected. We romanticize marriage and become disillusioned once those romantic expectations aren’t met. Unmet expectations are a major source of conflict in marriages.

10. Personality conflicts.

Is your personality ruining your marriage? There are personality traits that can doom a marriage to failure. Are you a conflict avoider? Do you like to “one-up your spouse? Do you bend over backward to please your spouse, neglecting your needs in the process? If you answered yes to any of these, your need to work on changes these negative personality traits.

Each of the above is a very common problem dealt with in a marriage. Although they are problems, they can also be opportunities for growth, learning, and accord. Whether these issues remain problems causing stress in your marriage or become an opportunity for growth is up to you.

https://www.liveabout.com/marital-problems-that-cause-divorce-1102945

Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Your Divorce. BY CHARLOTTE ANDERSEN

Ending an unhappy marriage doesn't make you damaged goods — it means you're smart and strong enough to make a better life for yourself.

When Ellen Myers finalized her divorce in 2013 she felt an overwhelming sense of freedom — and a deep sense of shame. "It was a weird time," she recalls. "On one hand I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time, I didn't want anyone to know."

The Colorado mom had married young, at just 18, and had children right away. Like many divorced people, she felt embarrassed that she hadn't been able to make her marriage last. She became convinced her friends and family were all silently thinking, I told you this would never work. But worse were the slights she dealt with in public — glances at her empty ring finger, a lack of invitations from former friends, and, most troublingly, a pointed remark from a clergy member at her church, who read Myers discouraging stats about children of divorce, then suggested she continue to endure her abusive situation for her kids' sake. She even faced rejection from a potential landlord after disclosing that she was a single mother who relied on child support for income.

"He told me he never rented to single moms because the 'deadbeat dads' didn't pay up and he 'didn't need that kind of drama'," Myers recalls. "It was awful. Even though I knew, deep down, I'd made the best choice for me and my children, it was hard not to feel like I'd failed."

Myers isn't the only woman who has struggled with feelings of shame about her split. Despite the ubiquity of divorce — just over half of marriages will make it to the 20-year mark, according to the most recent data from the National Survey of Family Growth — there is still a lingering stigma that many people, especially women, face, says Anita C. Savage, a divorce and family law attorney at GoransonBain.

"I;ve seen countless clients who feel stigmatized by their divorce. In fact, despite my profession, I was one of them," she admits. "I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell my friends and family that I could not make my marriage work."

And while it's perfectly normal to feel that way, Savage says, shame should never enter into the picture. Getting divorced doesn't mean you're "dumb" or "damaged goods."

"Even 'good' people face divorce, by choice or because of their spouse's decision, but the divorce itself does not reflect who that person is or what that person stands for," she says. "For a variety of innocuous reasons and despite their best attempts, two emotionally healthy and functioning people sometimes cannot make their marriage work."

Not only is divorce not a commentary on your personal worth, it can actually show the world just how strong you are, says Nanda Davis, Esq., a specialist in divorce and family law and president of the Roanoke chapter of the Virginia Women Attorney's Association. "Divorcing a spouse takes a lot of courage," she says. It involves being honest and publicly open about very painful personal topics and standing up for your and your children's needs — all tough things to do, she adds.

Divorce is ultimately about getting a fresh start, and wanting a better life is nothing to be ashamed of, says Kathryn Smerling, Ph.D., a family therapist and divorce expert. "Some people still think that you should stay married just for the sake of it, even if you're unhappy. But why would you do that?" she asks.

On an intellectual level, these messages seem easy enough to grasp. So why do so many people still feel like Myers? Although social stigma is certainly still a factor (case in point: Myers's pastor), it's fading from what it was several generations ago. (A Gallup poll conducted earlier this year determined that 73 percent of American adults believe divorce is "morally acceptable," compared to 59 percent in 2001.)

According to Savage, it's because divorced women often end up blaming themselves for the end of their marriages. "The good will we're willing to give to others experiencing a divorce is something we haven't provided to ourselves," she explains. "We believe that our failed marriage means we have failed as a human being, as a partner, and as a parent who wanted to provide their child with an example of what a long and successful marriage looks like."

They key to overcoming these painful feelings is to give yourself a break, she says. Tune out negative self-talk by surrounding yourself with supportive people, whether that's family, friends, a church group, or even a divorce recovery group where you can talk it out. There's great relief in discussing your questions and concerns with people who have been there too — plus it helps others overcome their own sense of shame and embarrassment, Savage says.

If you're really struggling to shake negative feelings after a divorce, Smerling recommends connecting with a therapist. "Unresolved feelings of shame and guilt can lead to depression and feelings of paralysis," she says. "So if you're feeling that way, it's important to go seek professional help."

For Myers, time has been the most important part of her healing process. Nearly four years after her divorce, "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time," she says. "Now my life is so much better, both for me and my kids, and I've discovered I'm stronger than I ever knew — and that's something I'm immensely proud of."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/a59810/coping-with-divorce/

4 Reasons Not To Listen To Divorce Advice From Friends & Family

This may just be the most important article you read regarding your divorce.

Going through a divorce is hard enough. The last thing you need is to get slanted, subjective “advice” from family and friends. I get it though, how can you not listen to them?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying family and friends are intentionally trying to give you bad advice. No, not at all. I’m sure they have your best interest in mind. It just so happens that the advice they probably are giving you is bad and you should not listen to it. Take it from a divorce attorney who has seen this more times than I can count.

My clients would ALWAYS tell me some variation of the following: “My best friend’s sister went through a divorce can she got a, b, c and the dishwasher.” My response would be, “Okay, so what are you telling me? You want that, too.”

Divorce doesn’t work that way.

I describe divorce like a snowflake; no two are the same. Every divorce is different. It’s so fact sensitive that there is no way you can compare one to another.

Maybe you were married the same amount of time as someone you know who got divorced. Maybe you have the same number of children. But, that’s not how assets get divided.

There is a myriad of factors that attorneys and courts consider when discussing alimony and asset distribution. No two couples have the same assets. No two couples have the same marriage. That’s why you can’t compare one divorce to another.

Here are 4 reasons not to listen to family and friends for divorce advice:

1. They don’t know all the detail and facts about your marriage, even though they think they do.

If you’re close to your friends and family, they probably know about you and what’s going on in your life. However, I don’t care if you speak to them every day, I guarantee you they don’t know everything. They don’t know all your assets that would be subject to distribution; they don’t know all the numbers and finances. And even if you told them, they don’t know how to process that information objectively and legally so it would mean something to you.

2. They don’t know the law.

Unless your friend or family member is a practicing divorce attorney, they don’t know the            law regarding divorce. They might think they do, but they don’t know it all. Watching Divorce Court is not the same thing as being a divorce lawyer. Divorce law is         complicated and it all depends on the specific facts of your particular case. It’s not as simple as just splitting everything, taking an average, or basing child support on how many kids you have. Friends and family are not considering the nuances of your case.

3. They are not living the divorce like you are.

The only person who truly understands what your divorce feels like is you. The second closest would be your soon-to-be ex. Not your family or friends. I would compare their view to a fan watching the game from the stands. The fan can remove themselves from the game whenever they choose and maybe get a hot dog, or just leave the stadium if the game is boring. Not you and your divorce. You can’t escape it. Their advice is       coming from a different point of view, which might be good, but often it is either useless or makes things worse.  

4. They are not objective, which is the type of advice you need to rely on.

That’s why people hire attorneys. Although they are your advocate, they should be objective and advise you accordingly. A good divorce attorney acts without the emotional baggage that you are dealing with. Friends and family can’t do that. Just the nature of being your friend means they are not objective and probably are unconsciously trying to make things right for you. As a divorce attorney, I’m always straight up with my         clients; I tell them the good, bad and the ugly. The last thing you want is to be surprised when the judge decides something differently than you expected.

The Most Important Piece Of Legal Advice You Will Get:

Here it is…ready?  It will blow your mind.

Don’t listen to your friends, their friends, or your cousin’s brother’s friend.

Everybody will want to give you advice about what he or she got in his or her divorce, or better yet, what you should get in yours. Just tune it out.

You can’t compare your divorce to someone else’s. There is nothing good that can come from it. Focus on you. Seek out objective opinions and take subjective advice with a grain of salt.

Save yourself the wasted energy from engaging in conversation about other people’s divorce. Next time one of your friends or family offers advice to you on your situation, you can politely stop them from offering their advice to your situation.

If you are in the middle of a divorce, or about to start one, you have BIGGER fish to fry than to worry about another divorce, or what people are saying about yours. 

This is your life and only you will live with the consequences of the decisions you make.

https://divorcedmoms.com/4-reasons-not-to-listen-to-divorce-advice-from-friends-family/