Tom Hanks has some beautiful life advice for anyone with divorced parents

Tom Hanks is no stranger to making us cry.

Throughout his career, he has starred in some of the most emotive films imaginable, from Saving Private Ryan to Forrest Gump. As well as breaking our hearts with his on screen characters, he’s one of those rare celebrities who actually seems like a genuinely nice person in real life, too –proven by this story of how he helped his wife, Rita Wilson, beat breast cancer.

And now, Hanks has opened up further about his family life, by discussing the impact of growing up with divorced parents while also sharing the one life lesson he tries to instill in his four children.

Speaking about his debut collection of short stories, Uncommon Type, at the Southbank Centre’s London Literature Festival, Hanks talked about bringing up his three sons and his daughter – and how he wants them to believe they can overcome any obstacle in life.

“All I can be to them is that place where someone says, ‘you can figure this out, and you will be ok,’” he said.

Hanks also spoke of the importance of having deep connections with people outside of your family, adding that he knew his children needed a bigger support network in their lives than just himself and Wilson.

“I get along with each [of my children] completely differently, and every relationship I have is a whole and complete one,” he said. 

“But I know absolutely for certain that they need other people in their lives to come and stir them along.”

Hanks shared many more musings throughout the talk: from the importance of finding the people who matter in life, to the value of making mistakes, you can read some of them, recorded in his own wonderful words, below.

On growing up with divorced parents 

“My parents divorced when I was five. There were four of us, and my youngest brother stayed with my mum, while the rest of us stayed with my dad.

My mum found the love of her life on her fourth marriage, and my dad found the love of his life on his third marriage. Both my parents reached the level they were seeking, it just took them a while to find it. That’s an adult lesson you learn about parenting… everyone is trying to get by and do the right thing.

I’m lucky that both my parents passed away after I had the chance to tell them how much they meant to be. And when the time went by it was like, ‘hey, their ride is here, it’s just time for them to go’.

You wish you could spend a couple of days with each one again. You think about them in some way almost every day - something always comes to you.”

On forging a relationship with his mum

“I was very solid with my mum even though I was the only one [of my siblings] who did not live with her. She and I had great talks, and I was very pragmatic about our life together.

I don’t think I was ever alone with just my mum, except for a handful of times, throughout the whole of our lives. There was always a sibling or someone else around.

But I remember the times when it was just me and my mum, and we’d be going out for a hamburger, or lunch, and it was a magical time for me, free of guilt and free of an agenda. But not for my mum, because I think at the end of the day, she was thinking ‘I should do more for this child number three, who doesn’t live with me and who I don’t see very much’.

We talked about that later on. I said, ‘mum, I know we didn’t live together, but I think you did a great job none the less’. And she said, ‘well, I’m glad you think that’. It was very lovely.”

On finding the people who matter

“From my perspective, the bonds you make with your family are not by choice - they just are. Whether they’re good or bad, you don’t get to choose who your family is, or who your parents are. And so much can get in the way of those relationships.

The stories in the book that aren’t about family are about that other type of union – the connections that we all make. We make those connections by option and we choose to invest in them. You never know if you’re going to start a class, or change college, or move into a new apartment, and meet the person who literally carries you across the rubicon and into the new country of your life.

I could not make a decision on the family that I had, and it was fragmented and confusing sometimes. But I accepted that as it was - I didn’t think it was out of the norm, I just thought that’s what family was.

What ended up being the great catalyst in my life… friends, the first person you see doing a show, the first person who gives you a job or says you can be more than what you think you are. And that comes about because of the wonderful, inexplicable moments of serendipity of who you meet.

It’s those connections that are not a substitute for family, but they are another great necessity in our lives, the people who stir us and inspire, and sometimes, take care of us.”

On how Nora Ephron inspired him to write

[Hanks has a dedication to Nora Ephron in Uncommon Type, which reads “Because of Nora”]

“I first met Nora Ephron when she directed Sleepless in Seattle and I was intimidated by her because of all the writing she had done, and I’d seen a movie she had directed which I really liked. I went in to meet with her and I was a very cranky actor - I thought I was a hot shot as I had had some hits and was weighing up other offers. I was all pushed out of shape for a while.

I said to her [about the script], “you’re a woman who wrote about a guy with a kid, men don’t talk to their boys like that! Dads don’t give a s**t what their kid thinks. The guy doesn’t get upset that his kid doesn’t want him to go away for the weekend with his date – the guy tells his kid that he is going to go away for that weekend.

Then that ended up being in the movie, and Nora always said – ‘you wrote that’. And I would say, ‘no, I was just complaining in a rehearsal!’ And she said, ‘that’s what writing is: an idea that ends up making it’.

She had always given me these writing props, and anything we worked on together we always approached it from this perspective of writing. I was writing a piece for the New York Times about my makeup artist and I kept sending it to Nora for suggestions, and the one thing she kept saying to me was voice, voice, voice. It’s not enough to just tell a story, or to tell us what’s going on. You have to find your voice.

So it’s because of Nora that I’m sitting here right now.”

On living with your mistakes – and making plenty more

“I’m not a cynic, but I’m pessimistic about plenty of things. The best you can do is make 51% decent decisions. You’ll screw up 49% of the time, but if you can make it to 51%, you’re ok. I’m pessimistic 49% of the time, but I have faith 51% of the time, and that turns the tide just enough.

You learn from every mistake you make, so therefore – ram on!”

Uncommon Type by Tom Hanks, £8 from https://amzn.to/2CKmCzf

https://www.stylist.co.uk/people/tom-hanks-actor-book-uncommon-type-rita-wilson-family-life-lessons-father-son-daughter/170624?itm_campaign=related-articles-widget-single

Parental Conflict Alienates/Hurts Children of Divorce Long Term. By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

In a newsletter from Dr. Mark Goulston I read that: “A majority of teenagers, when asked if they had the choice between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, will pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.”

Stop and think about that for a moment. Teenagers would sacrifice receiving more love from their parents if they could assure their parents got along better with one another. This reinforces what most mental health professionals have long known: Parental conflict is a source of continual pain for our children – whether the parents are married or divorced!

As a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, my goal is to make sure both parents fully understand the impact of parental discord upon your children. That’s why I ask every client: Do you love your children more than you hate your soon-to-be-Ex? If you really do, then you need to understand the negative consequences when parents (and other relatives and friends) fight, disparage or in other ways disrespect one another around the children.

Parents are the stability in any family. Children derive security from parental love, support and protection. Even after divorce, if the children feel both parents are still there for them — participating in their lives and providing love and guidance — they can thrive. However, when one parent tries to demean the other parent or uses the kids as confidants to vent their anger or frustration about the divorce, the sanctity of security is broken. Now the children are thrown into a state of conflict and confusion. With whom do they side? Will the other parent resent them for taking sides? What if they still love their other parent who is being criticized and demeaned? Are they being disloyal to mom or dad if they want to defend or support the other parent?

Children, even older teens, are deeply troubled when trying to find solutions to these challenging questions. It robs them of their sleep, affects school performance, and changes who they are emotionally and psychologically. This is a burden no parent should inflict on their children, yet it happens all too often, with little awareness of the consequences.

Feeling guilty, shamed and confused, children start acting out to cope with the internal conflict. They may get more aggressive, start bullying at home or at school, and showing other behavior problems with parents or siblings. Others turn within, disengage from family and friends, withdrawing from school, sports or other activities they used to love. The despair and loss of trusted parental security creates despair and can lead to depression and thoughts of suicide. Child psychologists deal with these challenges regularly as parents bring their children in for “help.” Most haven’t a clue that the cause was their poor parenting choices during and after divorce.

Here are some typical comments to avoid when talking to your children about their other parent:

• Do you hear yourself saying: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”

• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”

• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know, making sure the kids get the negative judgement?

• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?

• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?

• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”

• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move through their teens and grow older.

Minding your tongue around your kids can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. However, it is also one of the behaviors that will most benefit your children on a long-term basis. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks hurt and harm your kids. Work on maintaining the best possible relationship with your ex – for the sake of the children. Need help? Join a Co-Parent support group, find a compassionate Divorce Coach, seek out a therapist, talk to a school counselor. Master communication skills and be the role model you want to be for your children. That’s a gift that will keep on giving, enhancing their lives — thanks to you!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2016/01/parental-conflict-alienateshurts-children-of-divorce-long-term/

"What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Divorced" Discover 10 important pieces of advice these women learned the hard way.BY NATASHA BURTON

Hindsight's 20/20, so there's no one better than ex-wives to tell you what to do (and not to do) if you're going through—or just contemplating—a divorce. Here, real women share what they wish they'd known when they split from their husbands and divorce professionals weigh in on how to combat the most unexpected, yet most common, mistakes they've seen clients make. Rest assured, these 10 lessons can get you through the end of your marriage, both financially and emotionally.

1. It may take a long time to recover—and that's okay. Julie, 50, from Denver, thought she'd be able to handle her divorce. "I'm a strong person, I own my own business and I'm a professional speaker," she says. But she admits she could barely function for a full year after the split.Her divorce recovery classes helped her realize everyone bounces back at their own pace. Psychotherapist Pandora MacLean-Hoover, who's divorced, also suggests finding a therapist who knows firsthand how vulnerable you are. "Therapists who haven't experienced divorce often create false hope," in regards to recovering quickly. "It's important to have support that's educated as well as therapeutic."

2. Choose your counsel wisely. "I used a criminal attorney and got a poor settlement," admits Christine K. Clifford, CEO of Divorcing Divas. On the other hand, a lawyer who's well-versed in family law could get you a better settlement because she knows the state-law nuances and local judges and lawyers, says Jacqueline Newman, a partner at a boutique New York City law firm specializing in divorce. If you and your husband have complicated combined assets, you may need additional pros. Kira Brown, 34, from Phoenix, AZ, owned a business with her ex-husband and wishes she'd also hired a financial planner for help negotiating her settlement.

3. Dig deeply into your joint finances. According to financial analyst Sandy Arons, a divorcee herself, 40% of divorce proceedings are about money. So get as much information as you can about your shared accounts to be well-informed before court. Specifically, "learn all of the online passwords to bank accounts, which accounts had automatic payments and where money is invested, including the names of all accounts, the account numbers and the investment advisors," says Newman. Ask your attorney when and how it's best to gather this info first, though.

4. Figure out your future living expenses ASAP. Your financial well-being should be your top priority, says divorce financial expert and mediator Rosemary Frank. "Raw emotions will heal and legalities will be completed, but the financial impact of poor decisions, or default decisions due to lack of understanding, will last a lifetime," she warns.Step one: Thoroughly understand your current cost of living before the divorce proceedings start. "If you don't know what you'll need in the future, you won't be able to ask for it and you surely won't get it," she says.

5. Anticipate unexpected costs. Even with carefully planning out your future expenses, something surprising may pop up. For example, your husband may be able to boot you from his health insurance plan, leaving you with an added cost of as much as $1,000 per month. Caitlin, 55, from Tarrytown, NY, recommends requesting a one-time payment, separate from alimony. "I asked for, and got, a check 30 days after my husband left," she says. "Too many men dodge their financial responsibilities, so waiting for that first alimony check is unwise. Try to have money available—like $5,000—within days. You'll need it."

6. Trying to hurt your ex usually backfires. Newman says that a client of hers told her husband's boss about his affair with his secretary and ended up getting him fired. "It not only 'showed him;' it also showed the wife—and their children—what life is like on a lower salary," she says.Simplybadmouthing your ex is likely to hurt your kids more than your husband, even if you don't think they hear or read what you say. "Anything written online about an ex-spouse will exist forever—when the children are old enough to read," cautions Newman.

7. Being divorced doesn't mean you're a failure, less competent or lessdesirable. "Divorce used to be something people didn't do, and many considered divorced women to be 'loose' and 'scandalous,'" says two-time divorcee Jennifer Little, PhD, founder of Parents Teach Kids. Some of those stigmas still exist, she says, so remember that divorce doesn't define you. "Divorcing just means that the relationship didn't work out," she says. "You haven't been rejected as a woman or a person, nor are you incompetent at being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend."

8. The holidays will be harder than you expect. Amanda, 29, from Albuquerque, NM, was married for over six years until her divorce. "I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that accompanied Christmas," she says. "It amplified the concept of a broken home." She wishes she had made plans to see her mother or a friend—or taken a vacation—to take her mind off spending the holiday by herself. So make sure you stay busy during that difficult time of year.

9. Your kids won't tell you how they really feel about the divorce, but their behavior will. "Children feel a sense of responsibility for the breakup no matter how much the parents state it wasn't about them," says marriage and family therapist Lesli M. W. Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage.So monitor your kids' actions to understand how they're dealing.Watch out for little ones regressing in their behavior—acting younger, wanting to sleep in bed with you—or showing anger toward siblings and peers. Adolescents tend to act out by drinking, skipping school or disobeying curfews. To get things back on track, Doares suggests addressing issues as a family so everyone can talk about the changes together. Also, inform your child's teacher of the new situation, but don't automatically put your kid in therapy. "It can leave him feeling stigmatized or reinforce that the divorce is his fault," says Doares, though therapy's a good option if the behavior change is extreme.

10. Divorce can be freeing—and totally worth it. Annie, 47, from Boston, felt like she didn't have any talents, besides caring for her kids, before divorcing in 2007. She now has a blog, PlentyPerfect.com, and sees new directions her life can take. "Divorce can be the beginning of a good next chapter, even if you don't know how the book's going to end," she says. "Maybe you don't know what the options are yet, but they're out there."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a6834/divorce-advice-women/

Dating After Divorce: Be Careful About How You Tell Your Kids! By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially when children are involved. Moving on after divorce can also be challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as well as with your children.

Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your marriage. Having seen that relationship fail can make you insecure about facing new relationships ahead. But if you take the time to go within, learn from your mistakes, understand the lessons from your marriage and determine new ways to approach future relationships, at some point you will feel ready to step back out into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of breaking the news to your children.

Be Sensitive and Empathic!

Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to talk to them about your starting to date. The rapport you have with them and closeness within your own relationship with the kids will also play a part in this difficult conversation.

Remember, your children are smarter than you think. They can pick up on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to be honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential partner into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions on this topic.

Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about yourself and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind them how much you love them, how important they are in your life, and that dating has nothing to do with replacing them – ever! Explain that you will still be the attentive parent you’ve always been and that they always come first in your life. Be very clear that no one will ever replace their other parent either!

You may need to have this conversation many times over several weeks or months to give your kids time to digest the concept and express how they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to ask questions and share their opinions. Be patient and understanding of their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

Be Selective in Choosing Partners!

Don’t introduce your children to every new person you date. You can let them know that you are going out with friends every once in a while, if they ask, but don’t bring causal relationship partners into their world. This can be confusing for children and disappointing for them if the new partner they meet disappears or gets replaced a few weeks or months later.

When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short intervals together and let the exposure build over time. Ask the kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened by the thought they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger. How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with the children. So be careful, considerate and empathic in all your actions. Needless to say, make sure you choose a partner who treats your children well.

Children who have close relationships with both biological parents are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives without distress. Because they feel safe in their relationship with Mom and Dad, they are less likely to be threatened by a new adult entering the picture. When one biological parent disrespects and disparages the other parent, it puts the children on the defensive, making them much more likely to reject a new relationship partner entering the family dynamic.

So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce. Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will be affecting your children. Putting yourself in their place will give you insight into what it can be like to find Mom or Dad with a new partner. Talking with a therapist or relationship coach can be quite helpful as you transition into this next phase of your life.

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Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed guidebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! It can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents are all available at http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind’s advice on dating after divorce and free dating tip sheet are at: www.womendatingafter40.com.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/05/dating-after-divorce-be-careful-about-how-you-tell-your-kids/

What Happens When The Weight Of Divorce Is Carried By Children? BY CATHY MEYER CPCC

Just because most children adjust to divorce does not mean all children adjust. Especially if they are dealing with an irrational parent.

Children are the only innocent victims of divorce and more times than not they are the ones left to carry the weight of divorce due to the unstable nature of the Family Court System and parents who lose sight of their children’s needs.

This isn’t an anti-divorce article. This article is about advocating for children whose parents are divorcing. It is a collection of stories that will hopefully educate parents who can then work together during the divorce process to minimize the risk of long-term negative effects on their children.

Not all children are damaged by divorce. Some are though and exposing those stories can be a warning to parents. A sort of “do it the right way or else” warning that will show parents what a child needs to survive the dismantling of a family.

The one thing these stories have in common is a broken bond or attachment with a parent. The loss of consistency in a child’s relationship with both parents can determine whether a divorce does life-long damage or the child moves smoothly through the divorce process.

Parents need to protect and be extremely sensitive to the effects of a broken bond or attachment with either parent or other family members during the divorce process and after. To not be sensitive can be detrimental and produce a story for your child similar to the ones you are about to read.

The Impact of Fatherlessness on Alan

Alan was 7 when his parents divorced. He was an outgoing, precocious child who “loved his family.” He had a close bond with his father. They were buddies, very similar in personality and nature and Alan adored “guy time” with his Dad.

Alan was always on the go, a very active child but he checked in often during long summer days while out and about with friends. It was important to Alan that he have a home base, somewhere he belonged and could come to on a moment’s notice.

He felt stable in the world because he had a stable family. He had never heard his parents argue. Family conflict was a foreign concept to him. He went to bed at night safe in the knowledge that those he loved would be there the next morning to love him.

One day Alan was in school. His father came to school and checked him. Alan was puzzled but happy to see his father. He had no hint there was a problem. He lived in an atmosphere where problems were not the norm. In fact, in Alan’s case, he was unaware that “problems” existed in the world. His life had been one of stress-free days playing with friends and warm, cozy evenings spent with family.

When Alan and his Dad climbed into the car his Dad told him that his parents were getting a divorce and that “he was never coming home again.” His Dad then drove him home, dropped him off and drove away leaving Alan crying alone in the driveway with the words, “I’m divorcing your mom and never coming home again” swirling around his head.  And that was the end of the problem free, stable life that Alan had become accustomed to.

His Dad didn’t call him, didn’t come see him, and seemed to no longer care about him. There were rare phone calls and weekend visits with his Dad. In between those visits, there was no contact. There was no phone number for Alan to call his Dad, no address for him to visit. And when he tried to ask his Dad why he had changed so much his Dad refused to discuss the “situation” with him.

Alan was left to wonder what had happened to the Dad who had loved and cared for his every need.

He was left to wonder if others who loved and cared for him could also change and leave him. When interviewing Alan for this article he told me, “That was the day I stopped trusting people. That day is the day my Dad turned into someone I used to know and I knew that if he could then other people could too. It is also the day I starting wishing I had a Dad like my old Dad.”

According to Alan, “my mom loved me, so did my grandparents but nothing could replace that loss and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop trying to fill the hole left in me by the way I was treated by my Dad.”

Alan tried filling the hole with drugs. He started smoking pot when he was thirteen. Between the ages of 13 and 16, he used Xanax, mushrooms, LSD and other illegal drugs in an attempt to lessen his pain. And there was a lot of pain because over the years Alan’s Dad showed him often of how little consequence his needs and feelings were.

There was a six-year period of no contact, only sporadic emails but never an offer to visit Alan. There were requests by therapists for Alan’s father to become involved with therapy sessions that were ignored by Alan’s father.  He did agree to one session with Alan’s therapist but not with Alan present.

His Dad made the trip to the therapist’s office which was within 10 miles of Alan’s home but didn’t contact Alan or make an attempt to see Alan. That was his one and only visit with a therapist. According to Alan’s Dad, “Alan needs therapy, not me.”

The emotional abuse that Alan’s Dad heaped upon him was appalling. He went from being a loving father to a man who ignored his child’s feelings, rejected his child’s desire for a relationship and neglected his child’s mental health needs.

When Alan was 17 he experienced a psychotic break. He was hospitalized and diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Alan is now 24 and has been hospitalized twice for problems related to the disorder. He will be on medication for the rest of his life and struggle to keep his symptoms under control.

One has to wonder, who Alan would be today if his father had handled the divorce more maturely.

According to Marcia Purse, the About.com Guide to Bipolar Disorder, “When we look for the cause of bipolar disorder, the best explanation according to the research available at this time is what is termed the “Diathesis-Stress Model.” The word diathesis means, in simplified terms, a physical condition that makes a person more than usually susceptible to certain diseases. Thus the Diathesis-Stress Model says that each person inherits certain physical vulnerabilities to problems that may or may not appear depending on what stresses occur in his or her life. Durand and Barlow define this model as a theory that both an inherited tendency and specific stressful conditions are required to produce a disorder.”

Alan was a child with “physical vulnerabilities” to emotional problems. Couple those vulnerabilities with the stress caused by the way his father handled the divorce and you have a recipe for disaster, life-changing disaster.

The last time I spoke with Alan he quoted the lyrics of the song, Father of Mine to me. “I will never be safe, I will never be sane, I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.”

The good news for Alan is, he is safe and surrounded by people who love him, he is sane, not the least bit weird inside or out and there is NOTHING the least bit stupid or lame about this young man. With continued love and therapy, he will learn that he is not responsible for his situation but is responsible enough to not allow what one man did define his life and how he lives that life. He may have been left holding the bag but, ultimately the contents of the bag are completely and totally up to him.

Katy’s Story of Parental Alienation

Katy was 12 when her parents divorced. Katy’s story is one of Parental Alienation and the life-long consequences of one parent robbing a child of the love and attention of the other parent.

Katy’s parents had a high conflict marriage so she was used to witnessing first-hand the anger and resentment between her parents. It was no surprise to Katy that they eventually divorced. In fact, according to Katy, “the divorce gave me a sense of relief. For the first time in my life, I was hopeful that I could have a relationship with two happy parents instead of two miserable parents.”

Her hopes were short-lived though because soon after the divorce Katy’s mother started sharing details of the divorce with her daughter and her negative opinion of Katy’s father. A father Katy had always had a close and trusting relationship with.

When it came to poisoning Katy’s mind against her father, Katy’s mother took no prisoners.

Nothing was off limits, this mother was determined that her child would not have a relationship with her father.

Katy was told that her father abandoned the family. She was told of affairs her father supposedly had, of episodes of domestic abuse that her mother had suffered. Her mother went as far as insinuating that she feared her ex would try to molest Katy and do her emotional and physical harm.

Katy’s father worked diligently at staying in contact with Katy. He was awarded liberal visitation by the court but his attempts to visit were thwarted by Katy’s mother. Gifts sent to Katy were thrown away, phone calls to Katy were intercepted and Katy was left to believe that her father was making no effort to see her.

Before long Katy began to view her father through the lens of her mother’s lies. She became angry at her father’s abandonment of not only her but the family. Needless to say, once the child was fully indoctrinated the job of keeping Katy’s father away from his child became easy. Katy’s mother could relax, her job was done she no longer had to worry.

The problem is, Katy didn’t have the same luxury her mother had.

The anger and loss of trust in her father took seed and grew in Katy’s mind and heart. The older Katy became the more resolved she became to never allow another man to hurt her.

In her book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, Dr. Meg  Meeker explains the important role fathers play in the lives of their daughters and how they can best utilize that role to instill strong moral values and healthy self-images in their daughters.

“Fathers are their daughters’ first experience of male love, compassion, kindness, anger, and cruelty. These early experiences are imprinted on a girl’s brain and heart. For the rest of her life, every experience she has with a male is filtered through her experiences with her father. So if she trusts her father at an early age, she is more likely to trust men. If she has been hurt by her father, she will shy away from men and/or make poor choices about who she allows into her life.”

Essentially, Katy’s mother denied Katy what every daughter has a right to, an attachment to the one person who could show her, via example how to relate to men as she grew older.  As a result, Katy grew up to fear intimate attachments. Men were disposable to Katy. They were of us to her but not to be trusted.

By the time Katy graduated from college she had, had 53 sex partners.

She also suffered from Agoraphobia and clinical depression. Alan had used drugs to self-medicate and deal with the pain, Katy used sex to lessen her pain and to prove to herself that she didn’t need a man.

After entering therapy Katy discovered that she did need a man, the man she had bonded with as a child. Katy’s mother treated Katy’s relationship with her father as insignificant. In turn, Katy learned to do the same. Katy eventually had to suffer the psychological consequences of her mother’s systematic and purposeful destruction of Katy’s relationship with her father.

Bottom line, Katy’s mother made poor choices which caused Katy to grow into a woman who would also make poor choices. If Katy’s love and admiration of her father had been preserved by a mother who put Katy’s needs first Katy and her father both would have been spared a lot of pain and despair.

Today Katy is a married mother of two. She has restored her relationship with her father and with the help of three years of intensive therapy has learned to value herself and relationships with others regardless of gender.

Alan and Katy are only two examples of the damage irrational parents can do to a child during divorce. Some would argue that they are only two out of millions of children who have experienced the divorce of a parent. That we can’t compare these stories to the stories of all children of divorce.

What we can do is learn from these stories, become aware of the fact that every child is an individual. Just because most children adjust does not mean all children adjust. And, parents who are divorcing should behave toward their children as individuals with needs that are heightened during such an emotional time in their life.

In other words, treat your children with kid gloves, make them your number one priority and never fail to understand that each parent plays a specific role in a child’s life and each is as needed and important as the other.

https://divorcedmoms.com/what-happens-when-the-weight-of-divorce-is-carried-by-children/

Uma Thurman's Raw, Relatable Post-Divorce Interview | The Oprah Winfrey Show | Oprah Winfrey Network

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

Attending a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is now a requirement for most people wishing to take divorce proceedings to court.

Before you can start court proceedings over money, property, possessions or arrangements for children, you must usually have attended a MIAM. These meetings are designed to offer help and useful advice.

How MIAMs work

At the meeting, a mediator will try to work out if mediation can help both parties reach an agreement. Depending on your preference, you can attend the meeting alone or with your husband, wife or civil partner. During the meeting, you’ll be able to find out more about mediation and ask questions about the process. They can also give you advice on other services that may be able to help you.

After the MIAM

After the meeting, if you and the mediator feel that mediation can help you reach an agreement, you can start mediation sessions. If you are not going to start mediation sessions and you decide to apply to court instead, the mediator will need to sign the court form.

When you won't be expected to have a MIAM

The court won’t expect you to have attended a mediation meeting if:

• A mediator doesn’t think the case is suitable for mediation and has said so within the past four months.
• Either of you has made an allegation of domestic violence against the other within the past 12 months and police investigations or civil proceedings were started.
• Your dispute is about money and either of you is bankrupt.
• You don’t know where your husband, wife or civil partner is.
• You want to apply for a court order but for specific reasons don’t intend to give your husband, wife or civil partner any notice.
• The court application is urgent because someone’s life or physical safety is at risk or a child is at risk of significant harm.
• The order is about a child who is already involved with social services because of concerns over their protection.
• You’ve contacted three mediators within 15 miles of your home and are unable to get an appointment with any of them within 15 working days.

Source: www.gov.uk

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/mediation-information-and-assessment-meetings/

Fathers and Daughters: An Essential Bond After Divorce. By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

The relationship a daughter has with her father is one that has a profound impact on her life. The breakup of a family often changes the dynamic of the father-daughter relationship and it can be a challenge to stay connected. Research has shown that fathers play an important role in the lives of their daughters but that this relationship is the one that changes the most after divorce.

There’s no denying that a woman’s relationship with her father is one of the most crucial in her life. The quality of that connection – good, damaged, or otherwise – powerfully impacts dads and daughters in a multiple of ways.  A father’s effect on his daughter’s psychological well-being and identity is far-reaching. A daughter’s sense of self, for instance, is often connected to how her father views her. A girl stands a better chance of becoming a self-confident woman if she has a close bond with her father.

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls, in part due to a tendency they have to crave emotional closeness more than boys do. She may feel that if her family is broken, she is broken. Due to a delayed reaction to divorce or a “Sleeper Effect,” a girl might go undercover, and develop an increased sensitivity to loss that may go unnoticed.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce?  Dr. Linda Nielson, a nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, posits that that while most daughters of divorce are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl may grow into adulthood with low self-esteem and trust issues.

Dr. Nielson found that girls tend to spend more time with their mothers (and less time with their dad) after their parents’ divorce. In her extensive research, Dr. Nielson found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of joint custody after the family splits.

My research for Daughters of Divorce spanned over three years and was comprised of 326 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriageconcluded that lack of access to both parents and high conflict between them contributed to low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes. Most of the young women that I interviewed expressed a strong desire to improve their communication with their fathers yet lacked the tools to be able to pull this off.

Certainly a strong father-daughter connection is a challenge when it comes to post-divorce relationships. In a recent episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass Bishop T.D. Jakes concludes “It’s not a lack of love that stops an estranged father from reconnecting with his child – it’s the fear of rejection.” Bishop Jakes recommends that every father needs to “court” his child and discover his or her world in order to reconnect.

In his recent book Always Dad, Paul Mandelstein, advises divorced dads to find ways to play a crucial role in their daughter’s life. He suggests that divorced parents call a truce with their ex-spouse – to put an end to active fighting and to collaborate. The father-daughter connection, even several years after a family dissolves, is heavily influenced by consistency in contact and the quality of the relationship.

Daughters who have a strong relationship with their father are more likely to be self-confident and mature – possessing a purpose in their lives. A daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how she should be treated by a man. But Dads often lose touch with their daughters after a family splits up and they don’t always know how to reconnect. I know firsthand about this loss because I experienced it with my own father and fortunately was able to heal the rupture in our relationship.

Why is the father-daughter bond so vulnerable to disruption after divorce?

• Girls tend to spend more time with their moms after divorce (and less time with their dads).
• During early adolescence, a girl tends to feel distant from her dad and she may resent her stepmom or his girlfriend. Meanwhile, she may tend to have an intense, complicated relationship with her mom (confidant, too close, lots of conflict and love).
• Mothers and stepmoms don’t always understand the importance of the father-daughter bond so they may not encourage it.
• Dads don’t always know how to connect with their daughters around activities that are mutually satisfying so they start spending less time together.
• If the father-daughter bond is severely damaged it can cause daughters to have trust and intimacy issues in adult relationships. It may push them to pick romantic partners who are all wrong for them because they set low standards.

The truth is that girls go through many changes during adolescence and at this pivotal time, they may become more distant from their dads. There is also more tension between mothers and daughters – even in intact families.  Divorce often intensifies issues between family members. The good news is that it’s not too late for fathers and daughters to connect.

10 Tips for fathers with daughters of all ages:

• Express loving feelings: Hugs, praise, and suggesting activities are ways to do this.
• Connect through notes: Texts, emails, or a postcard or letter if you are away.
• Idle chats: Ask her questions or exchange small talk while you are driving in the car,  helping her with homework, cooking, or a doing a project together (puzzle, decorate her room).
• Special dates: For younger daughters, a visit to the zoo or the park are possible ways to connect and relax together. Throw in a picnic or ice cream cone too! For teenage or young adult daughters: Take her to lunch, the gym, or a wonderful movie – ask her for ideas!
• Include her in vacation plans: Ask her where she wants to go (with limits).
• Find ways to help her to build self-esteem such as encouraging her to develop interests and recognizing her strengths. It’s okay for her to abandon these interests when she decides to check new ones out. Try to be accepting of her need for independence as she reaches adolescence. She still needs your approval but requires a little space to explore and grow.
• Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible – especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.
• Be sure not to bad-mouth her mother – even if she complains about her. For instance, mothers and daughters can experience more tension during adolescence and you can serve as a buffer. Keep in mind that her mother is still her model and so saying negative things about your ex-spouse will hurt your daughter and may spark a negative reaction.
• Attempt to help her repair any father-daughter wounds. If your relationship has been damaged and she doesn’t want to connect, you may want to seek professional help from a divorce coach or therapist.
• Be patient and persistent in showing your daughter you want to spend time with her. It’s never too late to develop a stronger father-daughter bond or to reconnect while you’re still alive! Don’t let your fear of rejection of the past prevent you from enjoying a positive bond with your daughter.

10 Tips for daughters of all ages:  

• Be honest about your relationship with your father and any wounds that exist.
• Let go of self-blame and forgive yourself (for whatever you told yourself) and your dad.
• Give up the dream of a perfect connection with your father.
• Look at ways you may have accepted relationships that were not healthy for you to fill the void your dad left (dating unavailable men or ones who are all wrong for you).
• Examine your relationship with your dad and attempt to reconnect if there have been any wounds. He may be able to help you be your best self.
• Be patient and have realistic expectations.  After all, it may take time to reconnect if your relationship is damaged or distant.
• Invest your time in something that interests your dad – such as attending a sporting or work event with him if you have the opportunity.
• Express your needs clearly and calmly. This could be verbally, a letter, or release (“I release you from not being more active in my life, even if I don’t know why or it hurts”). You may decide not to share your letter with your father, but this step can still be therapeutic.
• Accept that people usually do the best they can and attempt to be more understanding of your father and his situation.
• You may want to seek professional help to deal with your wound with your father if your relationship doesn’t seem to be improving.

If fathers can remain an integral part of their daughter’s life after divorce, a loving bond will help them get through rough patches in life. Dr. Peggy Drexler, author of Our Fathers, Ourselves writes, “Likewise, even the most troubled, overwrought , baggage-laden relationship is not without hope – if not of reconciliation, then at least of the daughter finding a new way of seeing her father that might help her to make sense of the forces that shaped him and his actions.” In most cases, It’s not too last to connect with your father or your daughter, even if you haven’t done so in some time.  

The information contained in this blog also applies to many father-daughter relationships when the parents are unwed. All daughters benefit from a close bond with their father. It is never too late to heal fractured relationships and for love and forgiveness. Fathers can be an integral part of their daughters lives even if they live apart or have had limited contact in the past.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/11/fathers-and-daughters-an-essential-bond-after-divorce/

4 Ways To Deal With Divorce When You Still Love Him. BY JOHN BUTLER

In my divorce mediation practice, I often work with couples where one party is still, deeply in love with the spouse who wants a divorce. In this article, we’ll focus on advice for wives who find themselves in this painful situation. To be honest, I’ve found it’s just as often true that it’s the wife who wants to end the marriage and the husband who is still in love. In any event, these are heart-wrenching divorce cases and over the years I have given this topic a lot of thought. Here are four tips:

Here are four tips for dealing with divorce when you still love him.

1. Do not retaliate or act out

The momentary urge to “get even” or act on hurt feelings can be difficult to resist. Taking action in the midst of hurt or anger may be satisfying and feel good in the moment, but be aware that acting on this urge will have consequences.  In one of my early cases, I observed the consequences of a young wife and mother who acted on those feelings when she was angry at her husband whom she deeply loved. During a marital argument, he moved out and demanded a divorce.  In the midst of their argument, he had made a caustic comment about her haggard appearance and post-pregnancy weight retention. The comment was understandably deeply hurtful to her. Reacting to the pain of his callous remark and his decision to move out, she retaliated. She had a short fling with one of her husband’s close friends.  A few weeks later the couple patched things up and he moved back home with his wife and their two young children.  A few weeks later she discovered that she was pregnant (…the pregnancy was not the result of make-up sex with her husband).

They stayed together for a few more years rationalizing that since he was the one who had left, he really shouldn’t complain about her behavior during the breakup.  Meanwhile, the husband’s former good friend was paying child support every month and had visitation with the baby. As you can guess, this arrangement just kept reminding the husband of his wife’s retaliation; eventually, the marriage failed.

So my best advice is to avoid taking any action which will harm the man you love or the marriage you say you want. Examples of what NOT to do may seem to fit a stereotype. Even so, I’ve found them to be very common in cases where the husband seeks divorce and the wife is still in love, but hurt and angry. (Could this same advice be given to husbands who still love their wife who’s asking for a divorce? You bet.)

 Here is a partial list:

• Don’t bad-mouth him to your girlfriends or your parents. If you need to process your feelings, find a therapist or support group.
• Don’t buy things for yourself which you have wanted but cannot readily afford. Divorce often centers on money issues. Racking up credit card debt or draining a bank account on an impulse purchase usually brings more grief than joy in the long run.
• Don’t act out by damaging his car, destroying his tools or lashing out in any way. If you want to physically express your anger, take a brisk walk or enroll in a martial arts class. (Don’t even think about anything which would end up as a YouTube video!).

I do not mean to promise that he will come back to you, but I can attest that you make it a lot harder if you retaliate or act out when he delivers the news that he wants to leave.

2. Try not to escalate

If while still married you and your husband are fighting and he threatens divorce it is imperative that you remain as calm as you can. Yes, he may truly want a divorce and be committed to that path. However, it’s also possible that while he may have said that what he wants is a divorce, what he may truly want is to stop fighting with you. Divorce may seem like the way to get the fighting to stop. He may also be yearning for the dynamic that existed in the early years of your relationship but not know how to reclaim it. When arguments escalate it’s common for one or both parties to say things in anger they later regret.

Of course, when the prospect of an unwanted divorce raises its head, it is wise to protect yourself and look out for your own interests, even if you still love him and would prefer to stay married. Depending on the circumstances, hiring an attorney at this stage may seem to be the best course of action. Just keep in mind that hiring an overly aggressive lawyer may preclude a smaller step like one-on-one mediation. Being a divorce mediator, I may be biased, but I’ve seen mediation work wonders in these situations.

Remember that divorce attorneys make their money by litigating divorces. Mediators thrive by creating harmony through mutual effort to resolve conflict. Many men have told me they find divorce mediation far more satisfying than marriage counseling because it is focused on problem-solving, (often their strong suit) rather than therapy which is focused on exploring feelings (often their weak suit).

If you need legal perspective, talk with a mediator with legal experience or call a lawyer from a town far away just to get some general advice. If you still love your husband and the marriage still has a chance of survival, jumping into litigation is highly unlikely to yield the results you seek.

3. Consider whether addiction is a factor and if so, get help.

One of the frequent coping mechanisms of couples going through the hard times prior to a divorce is to escape the pain of their lost romantic feelings using addictive behaviors. If your husband has shown any signs of addiction, then it is likely that you have reacted with your own counter measures. Sometimes they are co-dependent behaviors like nagging, trying to shame him into good behavior, lying to cover up problems and so forth.

Whatever the details, when a couple is in this addictive cycle the marriage has almost no chance to thrive unless the addictions are addressed. If you have addiction anywhere in your marriage, then start with an honest assessment of your own reactions. If he has a problem behavior, and you still love him, there are proven ways to maintain your dignity and sanity in the relationship. Try Alanon or another 12–step program geared to support the friends and family of someone with an addiction problem.

4. Explore Your Deepest Truth

The hard truth is that I have seen cases where there are wives who love their husbands and there are other cases where the wives are attached to being married but seem to be indifferent toward their husband as a person. These might seem the same, but there is a world of difference.

Explore your deepest motivations about your relationship and your marriage because at some level your husband can probably tell how you really feel about him. If you are clinging to the idea that you love him but actually, deep down, you are insecure about not being married, that will tend to energetically push him away. On the other hand, if you truly love him and that is the priority in your heart and soul, then living in accord with those emotions may have the effect of drawing him toward you.

What might this look like? Every relationship has its own qualities and dynamics; there are as many ways to put this advice into motion as there are couples. It takes some self-examination and wisdom to know what is a kindness you can genuinely offer without feeling like you are being taken advantage of or becoming a doormat. Healthy boundaries vary from individual to individual and relationship to relationship. This is definitely not a case of one-size-fits-all.

Here are a few approaches I’ve seen succeed in drawing a couple back toward each other rather than driving them further apart:

• If you have children, and abuse is not a concern, consider allowing as much access as possible during the first phase of your separation. Show him that you value his role in their lives as a father even if he wasn’t the greatest dad before the divorce started. Invite him to visit with the kids in the home and be gracious when he shows up. Preparing extra food for dinner so he can eat with the kids is an act of kindness which he will notice and may appreciate. If the children are engaged in after-school sports, be sure to give him notice of all the games and ask him to sit next to you when he attends. Make an extra effort to include him in family gatherings and celebrations.
• If he has moved out, you might provide him with a generous share of the linens and silverware, maybe even spare furniture so that he does not need to go buy replacements. Consider letting him store his big-ticket items in the garage rather than force him to move them to a storage locker.

It may be counter-intuitive but sometimes making it easy for him to leave, makes it easier for him to come back.  At the same time, only you can determine what crosses the line into unhealthy co-dependence and being overly generous for the situation.

Conclusion

Every case is different because every couple is different. If you still love your husband and he says he wants a divorce, you will have many opportunities to choose how you show up when whatever happens next unfolds. Over the course of my mediation practice, I’ve witnessed couples move toward reconciliation after one or the other, or both, initially thought divorce was inevitable. Of course, many couples do complete the divorce process, even when one of them really wants to stay married.

Either way, these four principles help provide the best chance of moving forward with a positive outcome. 1) Don’t retaliate, 2) try not to escalate, 3) if addiction is a factor, get help and 4) explore your deepest truth.

https://divorcedmoms.com/4-ways-to-deal-with-divorce-when-you-still-love-him/