Fidelity Series: 10 Signs Your Partner Might be Cheating on You

Sadly, an unfaithful partner has burned many of us who long for monogamous relationships. At one moment everything seems amazing between the two of you and the next, you’re telling them to pack their bags. But weren’t there signs? Yes, there were. Behavior changes in our partners may feel subtle, but they can act as huge red flags that tell us that something is up. Psych2Go has a new list for you: here are 10 signs your partner might be cheating on you.

Of course, everyone may be a little guilty of these behaviors at one time or another, but it’s all about what feels out of place for us and what seems excessive.

1. They’re Obsessed With Their Looks

Has your partner been taking more of an interest in their beauty as of late? Are they hitting way more gym hours than they usually do? Are they making more of a point to show this newfound hotness on their social media? Sure, they might just be doing it for themselves… but their new look might not be just for you. Now remember, loving the gym doesn’t make someone unfaithful. But if someone’s cheating on you, chances are, they’re pumping iron.

2. They’re No Longer Interested in Sex With You

It’s natural for couples to have less sex as their relationship progresses. Most of us know this, and though some of us can’t always have sex with our partners every day, many of us have no problem trying to keep the intimacy alive. But when a partner withdrawals abruptly on sexual activity, they shoot up a huge red flag of infidelity. Partners who constantly refuse or postpone sex may just be saving their sexual energy for another partner.

3. They Are More Attentive to You Than Normal

Just as it can be a warning for a partner to withdraw sexually, it can also be telling when a partner begins to show you a little too much affection. A partner that cheats may give you constant displays of affection and might even want to have sex with you more times in a day than you can take! While some people who cheat lack the cognitive dissonance necessary to feel guilt for their actions, leaving them feeling justified, these affectionate cheaters tend to smother you because they feel guilt for their betrayal.

4. They Constantly Talk Badly About Another Person

You could also just take this at face value: they may just not like that person. But there’s room for judgment here. Is your partner constantly complaining about a co-worker or friend, telling you how gross and unattractive they are? Is that person… not that unattractive? They might be trying to throw off the suspicion that that same person is a secret lover.

5. They are Constantly Arguing With You

Has your partner been constantly picking fights with you? Do they get irritated by things that you say, even after you tell them you don’t mean any harm? They might be showing their softer side to someone else. This behavior can be explained by the resentment a partner feels when they are unhappy in a relationship. They may be comparing you to their newer partner and condemning you for not being like them.

Some cheating partners may even threaten to end the relationship, suggesting breakups in the middle of arguments. This might feel cruel and controlling, but what they really want is for you to agree and break up with them, thus solving the problem they’ve created.

6. They Have Low Self-Esteem

Does your partner seek constant validation? Is the validation you give not enough? Partners with low self-esteem may seek or respond to validation from strangers in regard to their looks and desirability. Interested strangers at bars easily woo these flirty people, as well as appealing Instagram profiles that slide into their DMs. If you don’t tell them on a daily basis that they are your world, they’ll find someone else that does.

7. They get Defensive With Their Social Media and Phones

Yes, we’re all entitled to our privacy. Being in a relationship with someone does not grant you automatic access to their phone and social media passwords. But are they a little too guarded about their screens? If a partner works to ensure you don’t see who or what they text or gets snappy with you when you glance at their screen, it might just be because there’s something there they don’t want you to see.

8. They Get Texts at Odd Hours From Strange Numbers

Isn’t it nice to watch a movie with your significant other on their nice 15-inch laptop? Trust me, it’s not so nice when an iMessage pops up from a random phone number asking your partner “How’s your night going?”. Because we all know that no platonic friend is asking your partner “how their night is going” at 1 am. Does their phone light up with messages from unlisted numbers and “friends” you’ve never heard of until now? Your partner probably has some explaining to do.

9. They Project Their Behavior Onto You

Mirroring is a common defense mechanism that many people use to ease themselves of their wrongdoings. People who mirror project their mistakes or undesirable traits onto other people, enabling them to condemn the things they don’t like about themselves, without having to feel any real shame. People who cheat may mirror their behavior onto you by accusing you of cheating. This can be brought up as a serious accusation, or even a repeated joke.

10. Your Intuition is Telling You Something Is Wrong

This sounds a little vague. But it’s true! No one knows the inner workings of your relationship better than you do. When your partner’s overall demeanor – and the feeling you get from your relationship – changes, there’s no one better than you to understand that something is up. Listen to your gut. It’s important to remember that you cannot accuse anyone of cheating or dishonesty without any proof, but it’s always a good idea to open up a discussion about how you feel things have been different.

https://psych2go.net/10-signs-your-partner-might-be-cheating-on-you/

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6 REASONS YOU’RE VULNERABLE TO NOT SEEING RED FLAGS IN LOVE!

If you feel like you are wearing a kick me sign on your heart, if might be because you have 5 vulnerabilities – which get in your way of noticing red flags! Read on…

There was a time (a long, long time ago) that I used to be colorblind to red flags.

Even red banners!

Eventually I developed tools to spot a red flag a-waving – even when it showed up as merely a red hankee.

How?  I took time to explore the root of my “Red Flag Colorblindness,” and determined that a combo of 6 vulnerabilities were at fault.

If you’ve been blind to red flags, here are 6 potential reasons why!

1. You have a “blinding” desire for marriage.

You know how it’s not a good idea to text while you’re walking? After all, you’re not focused on what’s right smack in front of you – like that woman walking her poodle or that big steel pole.

Similarly, you can become blind to red flags when you’re experiencing a “blinding desire” for finding a relationship.

Maybe all your friends are getting married.

Maybe you feel pressure from your parents or coworkers.

Maybe you’ve just found out your ex is all happily coupled up – and you’re now unstoppably determined to cozy up to someone too.

 Unfortunately when you have your eyes focused on your “end game,” you can’t be on top of your dating game.

Basically, it’s hard to clearly see the person in front of you, when your eyes are obsessively focused on a wedding finish line.

2. You have an achilles heel.

You know the expression “achilles heel”?

It originates from the Greek mythological hero Achilles – and it’s in reference to a weakness someone has – which can become their ultimate downfall.

Unfortunately many of us have “achilles heels” when it comes to relationships.

They can show up as …

an “Achilles Uterus” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about wanting a baby and your biological clock is ticking)

an “Achilles Wallet” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about money)

an “Achilles Toosh” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your weight)

“Achilles Wrinkles” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your age)

Basically, if you’re feeling insecure about an aspect of yourself, this can create self-worth issues.

The lower your self worth, the lower the bar you’ll be setting for finding a partner.

As a result, slimy snaky partners can limbo under your low-bar and slip themselves into your heart!

3. Your “comfort zone” is a “dis-comfort zone.”

Meaning?

If you grew up in a home where love came with anxiety and pain, then you might feel most comfortable with love coming with anxiety and pain.

Basically, your limiting beliefs about love can wind up limiting your happiness.

BIG CLUE: If you find yourself constantly asking friends, “Is this normal?” then you might be suspect for having a “comfort zone” which double-duties as a “dis-comfort zone.”

4. You’re living by the concept: “In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.”

Back when I suffered from “Red Flag Colorblindness,” I was willing to settle for the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner”- and not hold out for a “two-eyed partner.”

NOTE: I don’t mean to be politically incorrect with this quirky metaphor of a one-eyed partner.

I’m simply trying to find a funny way to say that I was willing to settle for a partner who was deeply-deeply-flawed – because I’d become cynical about believing in the existence of a non-deeply-deeply-flawed partner.

I kept rationalizing a partner’s bad behavior – because I just thought the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner” was the best that was out there.

I’d tell myself things like, “Oh well, at least this guy’s got one eye. These days many guys don’t even have one eye! “

Again, apologies if you find this metaphor politically incorrect! I’m just saying that if you’re super cynical about love, then you can wind up accepting the behavior of deeply-deeply-flawed people – because you simply stopped believing that non-deeply-deeply-flawed people exist.

5. You’re too positive.

Too much positivity can get you into love trouble just as much as too much cynicism!

Surprised?

Here’s how!

If you’re a very positive person, then when you start to see red flags a-waving you might tell yourself very positive things like…

“I can change this quality in this person!”

“I can make the best of this challenging situation!”

“I can handle this red flag because I’m strong and I won’t let it get to me!”

6.  Terrible behavior is outside of your “mental framework.”

Basically, you’d never do something as crappy as the Red Flag Bearer is doing.

It’s thereby tough for you to process that someone is capable of doing something so crappy to you.

There’s a famous story that when Columbus first arrived to the new world, the natives could not see his ships, because the natives had never seen a boat before.

It took the natives a long time to process what they were seeing, because the concept of a “boat” was so foreign and surreal to them.

Similarly, there’s a chance you cannot see specific red flags because they’re completely outside of your “mental framework.”

In summary: Often people with good hearts just don’t see a bad heart coming.

https://www.notsalmon.com/2016/10/02/achilles-something/

Fidelity Series: The Sting of Emotional & Physical Cheating. By Alex Nunez

My Experience with Cheating

Awkward Texts

I stayed over at my long-term boyfriend Mark’s place to watch a movie with him. Suddenly, a text message appeared on his laptop screen while we were watching our film. “How’s your night going?”, said someone texting him from an unknown number. “It’s just a friend who works at the bar with me,” Mark tells me.

Mark had fallen asleep before the movie had ended. My curiosity had gotten the better of me, and I made my way onto that laptop and began checking his text conversations (yes Psych2Go readers, I’m aware this is a no-no). To my horror – though unfortunately not to my surprise – I found hookup text after hookup text after hookup text. Nude selfies of Mark that had never been sent to me littered the screen. “What are you into? Have any other pics?” “Hey, I have condoms.” “I’m here now.”

Heartbreak

I was infuriated. He was still asleep, should I punch him square in the face? Choke him to death? Leak his business onto social media? Before I had the chance to let my anger bubble completely to the surface, I found something else that broke my heart into pieces.

Mark’s friend Adam was, in fact, a co-worker. But he was no friend. He was a lover. I read romantic text after romantic text… “I had a great time with you tonight. I’ll remember that kiss forever.” My blind rage melted into piercing emotional pain. I left the evidence on Mark’s computer screen and I drove home without waking him up.

Physical Cheating

There’s no denying it, sexual – or physical – cheating is a hard pill to swallow for anyone. Breaking the commitment to a monogamous partner by having sex with someone else can change the social dynamic of your relationship – see THISarticle on the signs of cheating – for the worse. The worst of all? If you’re caught, it’s extremely difficult to regain your partner’s trust.

There are a number of reasons that could lead a partner to be sexually unfaithful. These may include:

• Sexual dissatisfaction in your relationship
  • Many people who are not satisfied by sex with their partner enter sexual affairs, hoping to gain better experiences.
• A desire to have more diverse sexual experiences
  • Some people wish to explore their sexuality outside of a monogamous relationship but wish to continue the one they’re already in. Others may have sexual preferences or fantasies they feel embarrassed to discuss with their partner and seek other people to help fulfill these wants.
• Seeking revenge for a partner’s wrongdoing or as a means to end the relationship
  • Rather than talk through their issues or end the relationship altogether, some people seek out new sexual partners to gain a response from their partners.

Each of these reasons stems from a lack of communication between partners in terms of what the cheater needs from the relationship. Some victims of cheating may not attractive enough for their partners. But it’s easier for many of us to put the entire fault on the cheater, who should have just been more upfront with us or perhaps could have even had a sexual addiction.

Either way, physical cheating is no easy thing to get over. But could getting over an emotional affair be worse?

Emotional Cheating

Who does it?

Emotional affairs occur when two people find and feed into a socio-romantic connection with each other. Those in emotional affairs commit date-type conduct that would only be appropriate between the perpetrator and their original partner. These things include:

• Making calls and texts to someone that you instinctively feel the need to hide
• Spending time alone with someone and never inviting your significant other to come along
• Confiding in another person to tell stories to and keep secrets with and not your partner
• Taking more time to and energy to focus on bonding with someone else and not your partner
• Giving romantic gestures like dinner dates and sentimental gifts to someone other than your partner

Why?

Yes, budding affairs can happen. A recent Washington Post article recounts the story of Jacklyn Collier, who had to take a step back from a relationship she was cultivating with a Facebook friend after realizing it was becoming a little less than appropriate. Sometimes, people have to realize there are sparks of an emotional affair at all before they decide they need to build some platonic boundaries.

There are, however, other intentions behind why people run off to find other lovers.

These include:

• Unhealthy attachment styles
  • While most of us have Secure attachment styles – meaning we are willing to give and receive intimacy and vulnerability – there are some people who have attachment styles that are not conducive to a healthy relationship.
  • Those with Anxious attachments love intimacy but worry constantly about abandonment. This paranoia can be exhausting, causing these people to drive their partners away.
  • Those with Avoidant attachments often show fear of true intimacy or commitment and may take great lengths to stop a relationship before it gets too serious.

The Cheated

Both forms of cheating can make anyone feel awful. They can make us feel worse when physical and emotional cheating happens together… and paired cheating is more common as a relationship ender than either form alone. But compared to physical cheating, why is emotional cheating such a dagger to the back?

• Emotional cheating involves romantic feelings
  • Unlike the one-and-done feeling of a hookup, emotional affairs can cause deep emotional pain because they often mean that your partner preferred the company and personality of someone else over you. It’s a painful thought to feel so inadequate as a significant other that the love of your life has gone off to find a better option.
• Your partner could blame you for their betrayal
  • Emotional cheating allows for your partner to use your faults as an excuse for their search for someone else. Perhaps they told you that your humor was too dry and they felt picked on by you, or maybe you were just too “clingy”. Maybe they’ve told you that you were holding them back from meeting their new, “true” love.
• It probably happened for longer than a sex affair
  • It’s possible for sexual affairs to be mistakes. Poorly thought out, irresponsible and selfish mistakes, but mistakes. Emotional affairs are more likely to play out for weeks, months or even years at a time. Once you’ve found out and put all the pieces together, you’ll be left wondering if your partner ever even loved you at all.
• It can take longer to get over an emotional cheater
  • Because of the purposeful nature of emotional cheating, you might feel inclined to never trust the word of any new potential dates for a while. The shock and post-trauma of an emotional betrayal can lead an individual to trust and intimacy issues.

They Cheated. So What Now?

Have no fear, dear reader. Love doesn’t have to die for you yet.

• Cry

  • Yes, feel bad! Feel sad! Feel angry! Give yourself time to process your emotions and mourn the loss of your relationship. Take a day to yourself and watch your favorite rom-coms and eat your comfort foods of choice.

• Spend time with loved ones

  • Find people you feel safe with and let them know what happened. As comforting as being on our own can feel, locking ourselves in our rooms for too long can actually promote loneliness and anxiety. Having a good support system will help uplift your mood, and serve as a reminder that there are people out there who don’t want to hurt you.

• Work on yourself

  • If your ex isn’t gonna love you right, someone needs to. Keep to your daily hygienic routines. Exercise. Do you not exercise? Start. Getting a daily dose of physical activity – it can be as low-impact as a 20-minute walk – and ensuring a cleanly appearance will help your body ward off a negative mood.

• Forgive

  • Yes, we all feel the instinct to take the low road and tweet some nasty words, or walk over to their new partner’s place and start a fight. Look, no one’s asking you to get back together with them. If you do, good for you. You’ll both have a long road to recovery ahead (but that’s for another article). But if you don’t, that’s okay too – give yourself closure by telling that person that though what they did was hurtful, you forgive them. You’ll feel like a better person than you would by cutting up all of their clothes.

• Question your own accountability

  • Not to victim blame, here. Cheating is no one’s fault but the cheater. No one made your ex run off and betray your trust instead of just approaching you with their needs and concerns. Nonetheless, it takes two to make a relationship work.
  • Ask yourself some important questions: Were you truly happy in that relationship to begin with? How was your communication in the relationship? Did you do what you could to ensure that your partner felt welcome to approach you with complaints or concerns? Or did you shut your partner down when they tried? We must keep these questions in the back of our heads in our next relationships to ensure that we are hearing our partners as much as we are being heard.

Yes, it’s extremely sucky feel the pain of cheating in a relationship. But it’s possible to move past an unhealthy relationship and learn from it, whether you’re the cheater or the cheated. Don’t give up!

https://psych2go.net/fidelity-series-the-sting-of-emotional-physical-cheating/

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5 Signs It's Time To Uncouple. By Jay Williams

The decision to end a relationship and file for divorce is an exceptionally difficult one. Procrastination, indecision, anxiety, panic, anger, uncertainty; all of these and more will be felt whilst considering whether you should stay or walk away. With the end of a marriage or long-term relationship undoubtedly always bringing about major changes, this is entirely understandable and, in my opinion, unavoidable.

That said, the severity of the negative emotions that you feel can be controlled to some extent. I’ve always found that clients who are able to rationalise their decisions have been those best placed to limit the extent to which negative feelings actually affect them. For this reason, rationalising your decision to end your relationship beforehand always make the task itself, the feelings that follow and any resulting changes to your lifestyle far more tolerable. In order to help you with this here are what I believe to be the top five signs that it’s time for a divorce:

1.       You’re both indifferent

It’s widely assumed that arguments between couples are detrimental to their relationship. Whilst this is true to an extent (constant bickering and disagreement are bound to wear people down after all), they can also be positive.

When people openly discuss things that are making them feel dissatisfied, they’re also trying to resolve things and improve the situation. Even when this leads to confrontation, it has the potential to be beneficial and shows that the parties care enough to try and work things out. When they therefore shut down and simply bottle up their dissatisfaction, they’ve already given up on the relationship.

So, if you or your partner no longer care enough to argue, it’s time to walk away.

2.       There’s resentment

If either spouse has come to resent the other, there’s no hope of the relationship being a happy one ever again.

When one person blames the other for something like a missed opportunity brought about by, for example, sacrifices they’ve made for their spouse, there’s no coming back. If you feel this way about your spouse, it’s time to call it a day.

3.       The love’s gone

Most couples that file for divorce ultimately do so because they and their spouse have fallen out of love with one another and with good reason. Love, after all, is the bedrock upon which the foundation of any marriage is built. Without it, the whole thing starts to crumble.

If you no longer love your spouse or vice versa, you can still maintain a friendship (this’ll be particularly beneficial if you’ve had children together) but there’s little point trying to hold the marriage together.

4.       Their behaviour doesn’t change

Every couple encounters problems. Sometimes, it’s because one spouse behaves in a way that’s exceptionally selfish or inconsiderate. At other times, this behaviour is ongoing for a prolonged period, but the offending spouse makes a concerted effort to change and does so. When these circumstances apply, the affected couple can go on to enjoy a happy marriage. If the offending party does not change their behaviour, however, their spouse is simply never going to be happy with their marriage.

To put it another way, if you’ve persistently informed your spouse that you’re unhappy with their behaviour only for it to persist, you really should consider ending your marriage.

5.       You see no other option

Sometimes, couples are so determined to save their marriages that they try everything they can think of –  from marriage counselling to prolonged periods of time apart – to no avail. Trust me, if you can genuinely say you’ve tried everything and you’re still unhappy, it’s time to separate, start a new chapter in your life and find contentment.

Author bio:

Jay Williams works as a case manager at Quickie Divorce, one of the largest providers of uncontested divorce solutions in England and Wales. 

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Dating After Divorce: Being Too Needy Is a Relationship Killer

https://divorcedmoms.com/excessive-possessiveness-dont-take-it-into-your-postdivorce-dating-life/

A friend was relaying a story of his 29-year-old son’s dating life. His son was having a hard time meeting young ladies who weren’t needy or clingy. My friend suggested his son date women 3-5 years older. His thinking, older, more experienced women would be more self-assured and less clingy.

His son met a woman who is 32 and they begin to date. Within two weeks this older, more mature woman was texting him repeatedly during the day. Texting or calling on the weekend asking where he was and why they weren’t together.

Needless to say, the relationship ended within a month and from what I understand this young woman thought my friend’s son was being unreasonable when he expected her to not text and call him at work.

There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in a relationship, especially with someone you consider or wish to be your lover and partner. But vulnerability must be a two-way street. Relationships work when both partners can count on each other and the power dynamic is more or less equal. When one or the other is too needy or clingy, relationships don’t last long.

Being too needy is a relationship killer. What can you do to keep from killing relationships?

Be an Adult: Respect your partner the way you expect to be respected and treated. If he needs space sometimes, find the strength to give it to him.

Give Space: If you have an issue with a person who is not a great talker, then strike when the iron is cold. He may be open to a discussion when you are both less regressed and angry and the atmosphere is more relaxed. So, just because you feel the need to talk doesn’t mean you have to talk RIGHT NOW. Heavy conversation go better when both parties are open to engaging.

Get Therapy: If you are needy and in love, look closely at your family of origin which may have been a source of hurt that is being triggered now that you’ve entered the field of intimacy. He can’t fix your wound, only you can.

Watch Out for Depression and Anxiety: Depression and anxiety are more common than you may realize and can interfere with stable thinking. Both can injure your self-esteem and make you needy — and both can be treated; it can only help your relationship.

Your Partner May Be Part of the Problem: Most relationship issues are created by two people. Does he have narcissistic tendencies that make you feel second best? Or, perhaps, he’s simply not into you, and it is time to grieve this relationship. Facing hard facts is often better than feeling tortured day in and day out.

Abuse is not Acceptable: If your partner is physically, verbally or sexually abusive, you must get help and find safety. Your neediness may be part of a dependency that gives him terrible power over you. Under these circumstances, you will probably need outside help. Get it.

The Good News: Most neediness is small and annoying, not life-threatening. If you are in a terribly malignant relationship, get out. But, if your partner is more or less normal, neediness can be a burden that he simply can’t handle.

If you are willing to save your relationship, acknowledge that your excessive possessiveness is detrimental to the relationship. Seeking the appropriate professional help can help guide you onto the right track to save your relationship or marriage.

Do your personal work. Give space. And, love him for his needs as well as yours.

It may just work out.

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