"What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Divorced" Discover 10 important pieces of advice these women learned the hard way.BY NATASHA BURTON

Hindsight's 20/20, so there's no one better than ex-wives to tell you what to do (and not to do) if you're going through—or just contemplating—a divorce. Here, real women share what they wish they'd known when they split from their husbands and divorce professionals weigh in on how to combat the most unexpected, yet most common, mistakes they've seen clients make. Rest assured, these 10 lessons can get you through the end of your marriage, both financially and emotionally.

1. It may take a long time to recover—and that's okay. Julie, 50, from Denver, thought she'd be able to handle her divorce. "I'm a strong person, I own my own business and I'm a professional speaker," she says. But she admits she could barely function for a full year after the split.Her divorce recovery classes helped her realize everyone bounces back at their own pace. Psychotherapist Pandora MacLean-Hoover, who's divorced, also suggests finding a therapist who knows firsthand how vulnerable you are. "Therapists who haven't experienced divorce often create false hope," in regards to recovering quickly. "It's important to have support that's educated as well as therapeutic."

2. Choose your counsel wisely. "I used a criminal attorney and got a poor settlement," admits Christine K. Clifford, CEO of Divorcing Divas. On the other hand, a lawyer who's well-versed in family law could get you a better settlement because she knows the state-law nuances and local judges and lawyers, says Jacqueline Newman, a partner at a boutique New York City law firm specializing in divorce. If you and your husband have complicated combined assets, you may need additional pros. Kira Brown, 34, from Phoenix, AZ, owned a business with her ex-husband and wishes she'd also hired a financial planner for help negotiating her settlement.

3. Dig deeply into your joint finances. According to financial analyst Sandy Arons, a divorcee herself, 40% of divorce proceedings are about money. So get as much information as you can about your shared accounts to be well-informed before court. Specifically, "learn all of the online passwords to bank accounts, which accounts had automatic payments and where money is invested, including the names of all accounts, the account numbers and the investment advisors," says Newman. Ask your attorney when and how it's best to gather this info first, though.

4. Figure out your future living expenses ASAP. Your financial well-being should be your top priority, says divorce financial expert and mediator Rosemary Frank. "Raw emotions will heal and legalities will be completed, but the financial impact of poor decisions, or default decisions due to lack of understanding, will last a lifetime," she warns.Step one: Thoroughly understand your current cost of living before the divorce proceedings start. "If you don't know what you'll need in the future, you won't be able to ask for it and you surely won't get it," she says.

5. Anticipate unexpected costs. Even with carefully planning out your future expenses, something surprising may pop up. For example, your husband may be able to boot you from his health insurance plan, leaving you with an added cost of as much as $1,000 per month. Caitlin, 55, from Tarrytown, NY, recommends requesting a one-time payment, separate from alimony. "I asked for, and got, a check 30 days after my husband left," she says. "Too many men dodge their financial responsibilities, so waiting for that first alimony check is unwise. Try to have money available—like $5,000—within days. You'll need it."

6. Trying to hurt your ex usually backfires. Newman says that a client of hers told her husband's boss about his affair with his secretary and ended up getting him fired. "It not only 'showed him;' it also showed the wife—and their children—what life is like on a lower salary," she says.Simplybadmouthing your ex is likely to hurt your kids more than your husband, even if you don't think they hear or read what you say. "Anything written online about an ex-spouse will exist forever—when the children are old enough to read," cautions Newman.

7. Being divorced doesn't mean you're a failure, less competent or lessdesirable. "Divorce used to be something people didn't do, and many considered divorced women to be 'loose' and 'scandalous,'" says two-time divorcee Jennifer Little, PhD, founder of Parents Teach Kids. Some of those stigmas still exist, she says, so remember that divorce doesn't define you. "Divorcing just means that the relationship didn't work out," she says. "You haven't been rejected as a woman or a person, nor are you incompetent at being a wife, a partner, a lover, a friend."

8. The holidays will be harder than you expect. Amanda, 29, from Albuquerque, NM, was married for over six years until her divorce. "I wasn't prepared for the loneliness that accompanied Christmas," she says. "It amplified the concept of a broken home." She wishes she had made plans to see her mother or a friend—or taken a vacation—to take her mind off spending the holiday by herself. So make sure you stay busy during that difficult time of year.

9. Your kids won't tell you how they really feel about the divorce, but their behavior will. "Children feel a sense of responsibility for the breakup no matter how much the parents state it wasn't about them," says marriage and family therapist Lesli M. W. Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage.So monitor your kids' actions to understand how they're dealing.Watch out for little ones regressing in their behavior—acting younger, wanting to sleep in bed with you—or showing anger toward siblings and peers. Adolescents tend to act out by drinking, skipping school or disobeying curfews. To get things back on track, Doares suggests addressing issues as a family so everyone can talk about the changes together. Also, inform your child's teacher of the new situation, but don't automatically put your kid in therapy. "It can leave him feeling stigmatized or reinforce that the divorce is his fault," says Doares, though therapy's a good option if the behavior change is extreme.

10. Divorce can be freeing—and totally worth it. Annie, 47, from Boston, felt like she didn't have any talents, besides caring for her kids, before divorcing in 2007. She now has a blog, PlentyPerfect.com, and sees new directions her life can take. "Divorce can be the beginning of a good next chapter, even if you don't know how the book's going to end," she says. "Maybe you don't know what the options are yet, but they're out there."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a6834/divorce-advice-women/

How To Make A Prenuptial Agreement

If you're thinking about entering into a prenuptial agreement, you're not alone - they are becoming much more popular nowadays. Here are some things you should remember when drawing one up.

Preparing for marriage is a very happy time for any couple. They are planning a long and happy life together, so don't want to even think that things might fall apart later. But with up to half of marriages in the UK ending in divorce nowadays, a sensible couple should give serious consideration about what should happen should their forthcoming marriage suffer that unfortunate fate. In short, they shouldn't go into marriage without first having made a prenuptial agreement.

Although the huge increase in the amount of people divorcing has made the prenuptial more popular, many people are not certain what they are or how to go about getting one. A prenuptial agreement is a contract made between the couple before they actually marry. In it they decide how their assets should be split in the event of divorce. The prenup may also stipulate how the assets will be split if one of the couple dies. This means that provision can be made for any children brought into the marriage by one of parties.

So why is it so necessary to agree how you might divide any assets should you divorce? The division of assets following divorce is almost always contentious. This is particularly so if one of the spouses takes the larger percentage of assets into the marriage,and faces losing them at a divorce hearing. By taking out a prenup, he/she could protect themselves from losing their personal assets as well as having to pay potentially crippling maintenance to their former spouse.

Both parties signing the prenuptial agreement should understand that current UK law does not require British courts to accept the agreement when making a ruling. But they may well take a prenup into account if one has been drawn up.

Because of this uncertainty over the status of the prenuptial agreement in the UK, couples drawing one up are therefore advised to take prudent steps. Make sure it is signed no less than 21 days before the date of the wedding. Any later and it could be ruled that one of the couple had signed it under duress, thereby making it almost certain the agreement would be discounted at any divorce hearing. It is also advisable that your prenuptial agreement is drawn up by a specialist solicitor, making it all the more probable it will be accepted by the courts should the marriage end in divorce.

https://articlebliss.com/Article/513097/How-to-Make-a-Prenuptial-Agreement.html

Divorce Coaching And How It Can Help You. By Michael V. Fancher

Find Direction With Divorce Coaching 

Most people have heard of divorce lawyers and litigation, but not everyone is familiar with divorce coaches. If you’re in the process of navigating a divorce, a divorce coach can be a critical player in the process. These types of coaches are individuals who can help you navigate various aspects of your divorce, especially for those who are going through an amicable separation but could use some guidance from a professional. If you need some direction in your divorce, here’s why this type of coach might be the solution for you.

What Is Divorce Coaching?

A divorce coach is a third party who assists at various points during a divorce. These coaches typically have backgrounds in family or marriage therapy. This person is a great asset for couples who want to ultimately reach an amicable solution but have a hard time having a peaceful and productive discussion without an intermediary. Divorce coaches often enable two parties to talk through difficult discussion points without the conversation taking a negative turn to get to an ultimately better outcome for both parties.  

Who Needs a Divorce Coach?

Divorce coaching is a huge asset for some couples, but it’s not a one size fits all solution. Parties who often benefit from a divorce coach include but are not limited to:

• Couples going through a “Kitchen Table” divorce, or those who can sit down and talk out the divorce without an attorney
• Couples who have an overall amicable divorce process but need assistance discussing certain pain points
• Couples who are undertaking a collaborative divorce.
• Couples who are using a mediator for their divorce process

What Roles Can a Divorce Coach Fulfill?

Divorce coaching can happen in a number of different ways. These types of coaches can be involved in the early stages of divorce to help a couple figure out what method of divorce is right for them or if they can resolve their marital challenges and stay together in the long run.

Divorce coaches can also have a large role in the actual divorce process. Their main objective is to help both parties successfully communicate so as to reach a mutually beneficial agreement in the long run.

Finally, divorce coaches can play a role in navigating the post divorce parenting process in some cases. This is a specialized form of divorce coaching called a “Co-Parenting Coach.” This person can help parents navigate the parenting process post-divorce and find the best solution for the family moving forward. Because disputes don’t necessarily end when the divorce is complete, this person can continue to be involved even after the divorce is final. They can help with a myriad of issues including conflict resolution and creating a parenting plan that is best for the children’s well being.

Why Choose a Divorce Coach in Addition to Other Forms of Representation?

Divorce coaches offer many benefits for those who need some guidance during their divorce. A few benefits they may offer you include:

• Helping with communication issues that get in the way of healthy discussion.
• Discovering hidden emotional baggage that needs to be unpacked and dealt with.
• Tailoring solutions to your needs, including ongoing personalized support and a helping hand to find your best solution.
• Reducing the cost of your divorce in the long run by helping to reduce conflict.

Divorce is a challenging time for all parties involved. From emotions running high, to difficult conversations with children, to piles of paperwork, divorce is a trying process. Having a supportive divorce coach on your side may just be the solution you need to move forward and start the next chapter of your life.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/divorce-coaching-how-it-can-help-you/

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

Attending a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is now a requirement for most people wishing to take divorce proceedings to court.

Before you can start court proceedings over money, property, possessions or arrangements for children, you must usually have attended a MIAM. These meetings are designed to offer help and useful advice.

How MIAMs work

At the meeting, a mediator will try to work out if mediation can help both parties reach an agreement. Depending on your preference, you can attend the meeting alone or with your husband, wife or civil partner. During the meeting, you’ll be able to find out more about mediation and ask questions about the process. They can also give you advice on other services that may be able to help you.

After the MIAM

After the meeting, if you and the mediator feel that mediation can help you reach an agreement, you can start mediation sessions. If you are not going to start mediation sessions and you decide to apply to court instead, the mediator will need to sign the court form.

When you won't be expected to have a MIAM

The court won’t expect you to have attended a mediation meeting if:

• A mediator doesn’t think the case is suitable for mediation and has said so within the past four months.
• Either of you has made an allegation of domestic violence against the other within the past 12 months and police investigations or civil proceedings were started.
• Your dispute is about money and either of you is bankrupt.
• You don’t know where your husband, wife or civil partner is.
• You want to apply for a court order but for specific reasons don’t intend to give your husband, wife or civil partner any notice.
• The court application is urgent because someone’s life or physical safety is at risk or a child is at risk of significant harm.
• The order is about a child who is already involved with social services because of concerns over their protection.
• You’ve contacted three mediators within 15 miles of your home and are unable to get an appointment with any of them within 15 working days.

Source: www.gov.uk

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/mediation-information-and-assessment-meetings/

5 Financial Myths in Divorce

Retired and getting divorced? These are the extra pitfalls you need to know about

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/consumer-affairs/retired-getting-divorced-extra-pitfalls-need-know/

The number of people divorcing in retirement has risen in recent years, but this group needs to be aware of a litany of financial pitfalls as they divide a lifetime’s worth of assets.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics show that between 2005 and 2015, the most recent full year for which data is available, the number of women over the age of 65 getting divorced rose by almost 20pc, from 4,654 to 5,554. The number of men of retirement age getting divorced increased from 8,059 to 8,697, an 8pc rise, over the same period.

The ONS put the rise down to older people being “more connected, economically and socially, than they were before”. Internet dating and people continuing to work beyond the age of 65, and so being able to support themselves, are thought to be the other reasons for the increase. 

But those who divorce in retirement today will have more entwined finances than those who divorce at a younger age – partly because they have spent more time together, but also because of generational differences that typically saw more non-working women in households previously.

Large pension pots, state pension entitlements, splitting large properties and inheritance tax bills are just some of the pitfalls to look out for, on top of the usual financial wrangling of divorce.

Split the pension pot?

“Generally, older people will have more money in their pension pots,” said Mary Waring of Wealth for Women, a financial advice firm that specialises in divorce cases. She said the issue was complicated by the fact that many couples reaching the age of 65 today will consist of a husband who worked, and probably has a valuable final salary pension, and a wife who did not work. 

Pension assets can be split in three ways: the whole fund can be handed to one person, with the other spouse getting something of equivalent value from among the couple’s other assets; it can be “earmarked”, meaning that when money starts to be taken from the pension it is split between the spouses; or the pot can be split, known as “pension sharing”. 

Jon Greer, head of retirement policy at Old Mutual Wealth, said there were disadvantages with “earmarking” that had made it less popular in recent years.

 “For example, the pension scheme member gets to decide when to start drawing retirement benefits and the ex-spouse has no control over when this occurs. If the member dies the ex-spouse may receive nothing or receive less than they expected,” he said.

Ms Waring said it was often better to split the pension pot, rather than one party getting the entire pension and another receiving cash savings or the house. 

 “If the husband has a large pot it may really be in his interest to do a pension share, as it may be such a large pot that it will take him over the lifetime allowance,” she said. 

The “lifetime allowance” is £1m and any pension over this amount will be subject to a tax charge. However, if a pension pot of £1.5m, say, is split equally between the two spouses, the tax liability disappears.

Ms Waring said an overlooked area in these agreements was the cost of sharing the pension and any financial advice needed to invest the pension after it is transferred to the wife, which should always be included in any settlement.

Final salary pensions normally continue to be paid to a surviving spouse, but this benefit is lost on divorce. Anna Sofat of Addidi Wealth, an advisory firm, said she had had clients who were separated but chose not to divorce so that the wife received these benefits on the husband’s death. 

 “Another issue is the state pension, which is often not looked at in divorce,” said Ms Waring. Individuals must have 35 years of National Insurance credits to be entitled to the full state pension of around £8,000 a year. For every year they are below this they lose one 35th of their entitlement. 

 “If the wife is a non-earner, and stopped work at a reasonably early age, the chances are she will not have 35 years of NI credits,” said Ms Waring.

 “I say to all women to get a pension forecast before divorce, and if they have not got the full state pension but they have got to pay for some years of backlog, that will be paid for of the divorce pot rather than her money, as the chances are it was a joint decision for her to be a stay-at-home wife.”

However, Ms Waring said the major financial impact of divorcing at this age was that both spouses had fewer years left in which to work in order to make up any shortfall in their income. 

 “Even if both people are working the chances of building up very much over the rest of their working life will not be that high,” she said. “When there is less money in the pot, getting divorced at a later stage is really tricky, as they do not have much money to split.

 “I suspect there are lots of people staying married because there is just not enough money to divorce, given the need to buy a property, let alone provide an income.”

One house becomes two

Another aspect of late divorces is that at the age of 65 mortgage borrowing is difficult, meaning that the proceeds of selling the main home will need to fund the purchase of two separate homes, often outright. 

 “You may be lucky and have a nice London home that means you can buy two homes outside the capital,” Ms Sofat said. “Or there may be no way you can do that. How are you going to work out needing two homes and two incomes when pretty much all your life you have planned for one?

 “Even if you can get a mortgage it will probably be on a shorter term with much higher repayments,” she added.

Will I pay more IHT?

Divorced couples will receive the same inheritance tax-free allowances as if they were married. They will get a £325,000 allowance, with anything over this sum subject to 40pc tax. However, they lose the ability to transfer assets between them tax free, which could subject more of the estate to inheritance tax.

The new “residence nil-rate band”, which is currently £100,000 and will rise to £175,000 per person by 2020, protects housing wealth from inheritance tax if the main home is left to a direct descendant. 

Wealthy divorcing couples can actually benefit from the new residence nil-rate band, as the tax-free allowance reduces for any estates valued at more than £2m.  

Couples with an estate worth more than £2m who divorce and split their assets will be able to make full use of the allowance.

Rewrite your will

Rewriting your will is essential after any divorce, but is particularly key for older divorcees, who have lower life expectancy, said Rachael Griffin, a financial planner at Old Mutual Wealth. 

In particular, divorcees need to look at any life insurance policies they may have taken out years ago, and often forgotten about, and to change any beneficiaries on “death in service” payouts or pensions. 

 “Look for life policies that were taken out a number of years ago or pensions where you have nominated your previous spouse as the beneficiary. It is not just the obvious stuff to look at, but also revisit all historic information – you are going to be more entwined than someone who has been married for five or 10 years,” she said.

Ultimately, Ms Sofat said older divorcees should be more pragmatic in their approach: “They have lived a few years longer, so hopefully can sit down and work out a sensible outcome without it costing an arm and a leg by dragging it through the lawyers.”