Disrupting the Divorce Experience. Defining Your Next Chapter. | Sadie Bjornstad | TEDxOakParkWomen

Divorce Coaching And How It Can Help You. By Michael V. Fancher

Find Direction With Divorce Coaching 

Most people have heard of divorce lawyers and litigation, but not everyone is familiar with divorce coaches. If you’re in the process of navigating a divorce, a divorce coach can be a critical player in the process. These types of coaches are individuals who can help you navigate various aspects of your divorce, especially for those who are going through an amicable separation but could use some guidance from a professional. If you need some direction in your divorce, here’s why this type of coach might be the solution for you.

What Is Divorce Coaching?

A divorce coach is a third party who assists at various points during a divorce. These coaches typically have backgrounds in family or marriage therapy. This person is a great asset for couples who want to ultimately reach an amicable solution but have a hard time having a peaceful and productive discussion without an intermediary. Divorce coaches often enable two parties to talk through difficult discussion points without the conversation taking a negative turn to get to an ultimately better outcome for both parties.  

Who Needs a Divorce Coach?

Divorce coaching is a huge asset for some couples, but it’s not a one size fits all solution. Parties who often benefit from a divorce coach include but are not limited to:

• Couples going through a “Kitchen Table” divorce, or those who can sit down and talk out the divorce without an attorney
• Couples who have an overall amicable divorce process but need assistance discussing certain pain points
• Couples who are undertaking a collaborative divorce.
• Couples who are using a mediator for their divorce process

What Roles Can a Divorce Coach Fulfill?

Divorce coaching can happen in a number of different ways. These types of coaches can be involved in the early stages of divorce to help a couple figure out what method of divorce is right for them or if they can resolve their marital challenges and stay together in the long run.

Divorce coaches can also have a large role in the actual divorce process. Their main objective is to help both parties successfully communicate so as to reach a mutually beneficial agreement in the long run.

Finally, divorce coaches can play a role in navigating the post divorce parenting process in some cases. This is a specialized form of divorce coaching called a “Co-Parenting Coach.” This person can help parents navigate the parenting process post-divorce and find the best solution for the family moving forward. Because disputes don’t necessarily end when the divorce is complete, this person can continue to be involved even after the divorce is final. They can help with a myriad of issues including conflict resolution and creating a parenting plan that is best for the children’s well being.

Why Choose a Divorce Coach in Addition to Other Forms of Representation?

Divorce coaches offer many benefits for those who need some guidance during their divorce. A few benefits they may offer you include:

• Helping with communication issues that get in the way of healthy discussion.
• Discovering hidden emotional baggage that needs to be unpacked and dealt with.
• Tailoring solutions to your needs, including ongoing personalized support and a helping hand to find your best solution.
• Reducing the cost of your divorce in the long run by helping to reduce conflict.

Divorce is a challenging time for all parties involved. From emotions running high, to difficult conversations with children, to piles of paperwork, divorce is a trying process. Having a supportive divorce coach on your side may just be the solution you need to move forward and start the next chapter of your life.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/divorce-coaching-how-it-can-help-you/

Dating After Divorce: Be Careful About How You Tell Your Kids! By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially when children are involved. Moving on after divorce can also be challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as well as with your children.

Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your marriage. Having seen that relationship fail can make you insecure about facing new relationships ahead. But if you take the time to go within, learn from your mistakes, understand the lessons from your marriage and determine new ways to approach future relationships, at some point you will feel ready to step back out into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of breaking the news to your children.

Be Sensitive and Empathic!

Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to talk to them about your starting to date. The rapport you have with them and closeness within your own relationship with the kids will also play a part in this difficult conversation.

Remember, your children are smarter than you think. They can pick up on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to be honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential partner into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions on this topic.

Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about yourself and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind them how much you love them, how important they are in your life, and that dating has nothing to do with replacing them – ever! Explain that you will still be the attentive parent you’ve always been and that they always come first in your life. Be very clear that no one will ever replace their other parent either!

You may need to have this conversation many times over several weeks or months to give your kids time to digest the concept and express how they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to ask questions and share their opinions. Be patient and understanding of their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

Be Selective in Choosing Partners!

Don’t introduce your children to every new person you date. You can let them know that you are going out with friends every once in a while, if they ask, but don’t bring causal relationship partners into their world. This can be confusing for children and disappointing for them if the new partner they meet disappears or gets replaced a few weeks or months later.

When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short intervals together and let the exposure build over time. Ask the kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened by the thought they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger. How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with the children. So be careful, considerate and empathic in all your actions. Needless to say, make sure you choose a partner who treats your children well.

Children who have close relationships with both biological parents are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives without distress. Because they feel safe in their relationship with Mom and Dad, they are less likely to be threatened by a new adult entering the picture. When one biological parent disrespects and disparages the other parent, it puts the children on the defensive, making them much more likely to reject a new relationship partner entering the family dynamic.

So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce. Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will be affecting your children. Putting yourself in their place will give you insight into what it can be like to find Mom or Dad with a new partner. Talking with a therapist or relationship coach can be quite helpful as you transition into this next phase of your life.

***        ***        ***

Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed guidebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! It can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents are all available at http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind’s advice on dating after divorce and free dating tip sheet are at: www.womendatingafter40.com.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/05/dating-after-divorce-be-careful-about-how-you-tell-your-kids/

What Happens When The Weight Of Divorce Is Carried By Children? BY CATHY MEYER CPCC

Just because most children adjust to divorce does not mean all children adjust. Especially if they are dealing with an irrational parent.

Children are the only innocent victims of divorce and more times than not they are the ones left to carry the weight of divorce due to the unstable nature of the Family Court System and parents who lose sight of their children’s needs.

This isn’t an anti-divorce article. This article is about advocating for children whose parents are divorcing. It is a collection of stories that will hopefully educate parents who can then work together during the divorce process to minimize the risk of long-term negative effects on their children.

Not all children are damaged by divorce. Some are though and exposing those stories can be a warning to parents. A sort of “do it the right way or else” warning that will show parents what a child needs to survive the dismantling of a family.

The one thing these stories have in common is a broken bond or attachment with a parent. The loss of consistency in a child’s relationship with both parents can determine whether a divorce does life-long damage or the child moves smoothly through the divorce process.

Parents need to protect and be extremely sensitive to the effects of a broken bond or attachment with either parent or other family members during the divorce process and after. To not be sensitive can be detrimental and produce a story for your child similar to the ones you are about to read.

The Impact of Fatherlessness on Alan

Alan was 7 when his parents divorced. He was an outgoing, precocious child who “loved his family.” He had a close bond with his father. They were buddies, very similar in personality and nature and Alan adored “guy time” with his Dad.

Alan was always on the go, a very active child but he checked in often during long summer days while out and about with friends. It was important to Alan that he have a home base, somewhere he belonged and could come to on a moment’s notice.

He felt stable in the world because he had a stable family. He had never heard his parents argue. Family conflict was a foreign concept to him. He went to bed at night safe in the knowledge that those he loved would be there the next morning to love him.

One day Alan was in school. His father came to school and checked him. Alan was puzzled but happy to see his father. He had no hint there was a problem. He lived in an atmosphere where problems were not the norm. In fact, in Alan’s case, he was unaware that “problems” existed in the world. His life had been one of stress-free days playing with friends and warm, cozy evenings spent with family.

When Alan and his Dad climbed into the car his Dad told him that his parents were getting a divorce and that “he was never coming home again.” His Dad then drove him home, dropped him off and drove away leaving Alan crying alone in the driveway with the words, “I’m divorcing your mom and never coming home again” swirling around his head.  And that was the end of the problem free, stable life that Alan had become accustomed to.

His Dad didn’t call him, didn’t come see him, and seemed to no longer care about him. There were rare phone calls and weekend visits with his Dad. In between those visits, there was no contact. There was no phone number for Alan to call his Dad, no address for him to visit. And when he tried to ask his Dad why he had changed so much his Dad refused to discuss the “situation” with him.

Alan was left to wonder what had happened to the Dad who had loved and cared for his every need.

He was left to wonder if others who loved and cared for him could also change and leave him. When interviewing Alan for this article he told me, “That was the day I stopped trusting people. That day is the day my Dad turned into someone I used to know and I knew that if he could then other people could too. It is also the day I starting wishing I had a Dad like my old Dad.”

According to Alan, “my mom loved me, so did my grandparents but nothing could replace that loss and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop trying to fill the hole left in me by the way I was treated by my Dad.”

Alan tried filling the hole with drugs. He started smoking pot when he was thirteen. Between the ages of 13 and 16, he used Xanax, mushrooms, LSD and other illegal drugs in an attempt to lessen his pain. And there was a lot of pain because over the years Alan’s Dad showed him often of how little consequence his needs and feelings were.

There was a six-year period of no contact, only sporadic emails but never an offer to visit Alan. There were requests by therapists for Alan’s father to become involved with therapy sessions that were ignored by Alan’s father.  He did agree to one session with Alan’s therapist but not with Alan present.

His Dad made the trip to the therapist’s office which was within 10 miles of Alan’s home but didn’t contact Alan or make an attempt to see Alan. That was his one and only visit with a therapist. According to Alan’s Dad, “Alan needs therapy, not me.”

The emotional abuse that Alan’s Dad heaped upon him was appalling. He went from being a loving father to a man who ignored his child’s feelings, rejected his child’s desire for a relationship and neglected his child’s mental health needs.

When Alan was 17 he experienced a psychotic break. He was hospitalized and diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder. Alan is now 24 and has been hospitalized twice for problems related to the disorder. He will be on medication for the rest of his life and struggle to keep his symptoms under control.

One has to wonder, who Alan would be today if his father had handled the divorce more maturely.

According to Marcia Purse, the About.com Guide to Bipolar Disorder, “When we look for the cause of bipolar disorder, the best explanation according to the research available at this time is what is termed the “Diathesis-Stress Model.” The word diathesis means, in simplified terms, a physical condition that makes a person more than usually susceptible to certain diseases. Thus the Diathesis-Stress Model says that each person inherits certain physical vulnerabilities to problems that may or may not appear depending on what stresses occur in his or her life. Durand and Barlow define this model as a theory that both an inherited tendency and specific stressful conditions are required to produce a disorder.”

Alan was a child with “physical vulnerabilities” to emotional problems. Couple those vulnerabilities with the stress caused by the way his father handled the divorce and you have a recipe for disaster, life-changing disaster.

The last time I spoke with Alan he quoted the lyrics of the song, Father of Mine to me. “I will never be safe, I will never be sane, I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.”

The good news for Alan is, he is safe and surrounded by people who love him, he is sane, not the least bit weird inside or out and there is NOTHING the least bit stupid or lame about this young man. With continued love and therapy, he will learn that he is not responsible for his situation but is responsible enough to not allow what one man did define his life and how he lives that life. He may have been left holding the bag but, ultimately the contents of the bag are completely and totally up to him.

Katy’s Story of Parental Alienation

Katy was 12 when her parents divorced. Katy’s story is one of Parental Alienation and the life-long consequences of one parent robbing a child of the love and attention of the other parent.

Katy’s parents had a high conflict marriage so she was used to witnessing first-hand the anger and resentment between her parents. It was no surprise to Katy that they eventually divorced. In fact, according to Katy, “the divorce gave me a sense of relief. For the first time in my life, I was hopeful that I could have a relationship with two happy parents instead of two miserable parents.”

Her hopes were short-lived though because soon after the divorce Katy’s mother started sharing details of the divorce with her daughter and her negative opinion of Katy’s father. A father Katy had always had a close and trusting relationship with.

When it came to poisoning Katy’s mind against her father, Katy’s mother took no prisoners.

Nothing was off limits, this mother was determined that her child would not have a relationship with her father.

Katy was told that her father abandoned the family. She was told of affairs her father supposedly had, of episodes of domestic abuse that her mother had suffered. Her mother went as far as insinuating that she feared her ex would try to molest Katy and do her emotional and physical harm.

Katy’s father worked diligently at staying in contact with Katy. He was awarded liberal visitation by the court but his attempts to visit were thwarted by Katy’s mother. Gifts sent to Katy were thrown away, phone calls to Katy were intercepted and Katy was left to believe that her father was making no effort to see her.

Before long Katy began to view her father through the lens of her mother’s lies. She became angry at her father’s abandonment of not only her but the family. Needless to say, once the child was fully indoctrinated the job of keeping Katy’s father away from his child became easy. Katy’s mother could relax, her job was done she no longer had to worry.

The problem is, Katy didn’t have the same luxury her mother had.

The anger and loss of trust in her father took seed and grew in Katy’s mind and heart. The older Katy became the more resolved she became to never allow another man to hurt her.

In her book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, Dr. Meg  Meeker explains the important role fathers play in the lives of their daughters and how they can best utilize that role to instill strong moral values and healthy self-images in their daughters.

“Fathers are their daughters’ first experience of male love, compassion, kindness, anger, and cruelty. These early experiences are imprinted on a girl’s brain and heart. For the rest of her life, every experience she has with a male is filtered through her experiences with her father. So if she trusts her father at an early age, she is more likely to trust men. If she has been hurt by her father, she will shy away from men and/or make poor choices about who she allows into her life.”

Essentially, Katy’s mother denied Katy what every daughter has a right to, an attachment to the one person who could show her, via example how to relate to men as she grew older.  As a result, Katy grew up to fear intimate attachments. Men were disposable to Katy. They were of us to her but not to be trusted.

By the time Katy graduated from college she had, had 53 sex partners.

She also suffered from Agoraphobia and clinical depression. Alan had used drugs to self-medicate and deal with the pain, Katy used sex to lessen her pain and to prove to herself that she didn’t need a man.

After entering therapy Katy discovered that she did need a man, the man she had bonded with as a child. Katy’s mother treated Katy’s relationship with her father as insignificant. In turn, Katy learned to do the same. Katy eventually had to suffer the psychological consequences of her mother’s systematic and purposeful destruction of Katy’s relationship with her father.

Bottom line, Katy’s mother made poor choices which caused Katy to grow into a woman who would also make poor choices. If Katy’s love and admiration of her father had been preserved by a mother who put Katy’s needs first Katy and her father both would have been spared a lot of pain and despair.

Today Katy is a married mother of two. She has restored her relationship with her father and with the help of three years of intensive therapy has learned to value herself and relationships with others regardless of gender.

Alan and Katy are only two examples of the damage irrational parents can do to a child during divorce. Some would argue that they are only two out of millions of children who have experienced the divorce of a parent. That we can’t compare these stories to the stories of all children of divorce.

What we can do is learn from these stories, become aware of the fact that every child is an individual. Just because most children adjust does not mean all children adjust. And, parents who are divorcing should behave toward their children as individuals with needs that are heightened during such an emotional time in their life.

In other words, treat your children with kid gloves, make them your number one priority and never fail to understand that each parent plays a specific role in a child’s life and each is as needed and important as the other.

https://divorcedmoms.com/what-happens-when-the-weight-of-divorce-is-carried-by-children/

Fathers and Daughters: An Essential Bond After Divorce. By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

The relationship a daughter has with her father is one that has a profound impact on her life. The breakup of a family often changes the dynamic of the father-daughter relationship and it can be a challenge to stay connected. Research has shown that fathers play an important role in the lives of their daughters but that this relationship is the one that changes the most after divorce.

There’s no denying that a woman’s relationship with her father is one of the most crucial in her life. The quality of that connection – good, damaged, or otherwise – powerfully impacts dads and daughters in a multiple of ways.  A father’s effect on his daughter’s psychological well-being and identity is far-reaching. A daughter’s sense of self, for instance, is often connected to how her father views her. A girl stands a better chance of becoming a self-confident woman if she has a close bond with her father.

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls, in part due to a tendency they have to crave emotional closeness more than boys do. She may feel that if her family is broken, she is broken. Due to a delayed reaction to divorce or a “Sleeper Effect,” a girl might go undercover, and develop an increased sensitivity to loss that may go unnoticed.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce?  Dr. Linda Nielson, a nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, posits that that while most daughters of divorce are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl may grow into adulthood with low self-esteem and trust issues.

Dr. Nielson found that girls tend to spend more time with their mothers (and less time with their dad) after their parents’ divorce. In her extensive research, Dr. Nielson found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of joint custody after the family splits.

My research for Daughters of Divorce spanned over three years and was comprised of 326 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriageconcluded that lack of access to both parents and high conflict between them contributed to low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes. Most of the young women that I interviewed expressed a strong desire to improve their communication with their fathers yet lacked the tools to be able to pull this off.

Certainly a strong father-daughter connection is a challenge when it comes to post-divorce relationships. In a recent episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass Bishop T.D. Jakes concludes “It’s not a lack of love that stops an estranged father from reconnecting with his child – it’s the fear of rejection.” Bishop Jakes recommends that every father needs to “court” his child and discover his or her world in order to reconnect.

In his recent book Always Dad, Paul Mandelstein, advises divorced dads to find ways to play a crucial role in their daughter’s life. He suggests that divorced parents call a truce with their ex-spouse – to put an end to active fighting and to collaborate. The father-daughter connection, even several years after a family dissolves, is heavily influenced by consistency in contact and the quality of the relationship.

Daughters who have a strong relationship with their father are more likely to be self-confident and mature – possessing a purpose in their lives. A daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how she should be treated by a man. But Dads often lose touch with their daughters after a family splits up and they don’t always know how to reconnect. I know firsthand about this loss because I experienced it with my own father and fortunately was able to heal the rupture in our relationship.

Why is the father-daughter bond so vulnerable to disruption after divorce?

• Girls tend to spend more time with their moms after divorce (and less time with their dads).
• During early adolescence, a girl tends to feel distant from her dad and she may resent her stepmom or his girlfriend. Meanwhile, she may tend to have an intense, complicated relationship with her mom (confidant, too close, lots of conflict and love).
• Mothers and stepmoms don’t always understand the importance of the father-daughter bond so they may not encourage it.
• Dads don’t always know how to connect with their daughters around activities that are mutually satisfying so they start spending less time together.
• If the father-daughter bond is severely damaged it can cause daughters to have trust and intimacy issues in adult relationships. It may push them to pick romantic partners who are all wrong for them because they set low standards.

The truth is that girls go through many changes during adolescence and at this pivotal time, they may become more distant from their dads. There is also more tension between mothers and daughters – even in intact families.  Divorce often intensifies issues between family members. The good news is that it’s not too late for fathers and daughters to connect.

10 Tips for fathers with daughters of all ages:

• Express loving feelings: Hugs, praise, and suggesting activities are ways to do this.
• Connect through notes: Texts, emails, or a postcard or letter if you are away.
• Idle chats: Ask her questions or exchange small talk while you are driving in the car,  helping her with homework, cooking, or a doing a project together (puzzle, decorate her room).
• Special dates: For younger daughters, a visit to the zoo or the park are possible ways to connect and relax together. Throw in a picnic or ice cream cone too! For teenage or young adult daughters: Take her to lunch, the gym, or a wonderful movie – ask her for ideas!
• Include her in vacation plans: Ask her where she wants to go (with limits).
• Find ways to help her to build self-esteem such as encouraging her to develop interests and recognizing her strengths. It’s okay for her to abandon these interests when she decides to check new ones out. Try to be accepting of her need for independence as she reaches adolescence. She still needs your approval but requires a little space to explore and grow.
• Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible – especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.
• Be sure not to bad-mouth her mother – even if she complains about her. For instance, mothers and daughters can experience more tension during adolescence and you can serve as a buffer. Keep in mind that her mother is still her model and so saying negative things about your ex-spouse will hurt your daughter and may spark a negative reaction.
• Attempt to help her repair any father-daughter wounds. If your relationship has been damaged and she doesn’t want to connect, you may want to seek professional help from a divorce coach or therapist.
• Be patient and persistent in showing your daughter you want to spend time with her. It’s never too late to develop a stronger father-daughter bond or to reconnect while you’re still alive! Don’t let your fear of rejection of the past prevent you from enjoying a positive bond with your daughter.

10 Tips for daughters of all ages:  

• Be honest about your relationship with your father and any wounds that exist.
• Let go of self-blame and forgive yourself (for whatever you told yourself) and your dad.
• Give up the dream of a perfect connection with your father.
• Look at ways you may have accepted relationships that were not healthy for you to fill the void your dad left (dating unavailable men or ones who are all wrong for you).
• Examine your relationship with your dad and attempt to reconnect if there have been any wounds. He may be able to help you be your best self.
• Be patient and have realistic expectations.  After all, it may take time to reconnect if your relationship is damaged or distant.
• Invest your time in something that interests your dad – such as attending a sporting or work event with him if you have the opportunity.
• Express your needs clearly and calmly. This could be verbally, a letter, or release (“I release you from not being more active in my life, even if I don’t know why or it hurts”). You may decide not to share your letter with your father, but this step can still be therapeutic.
• Accept that people usually do the best they can and attempt to be more understanding of your father and his situation.
• You may want to seek professional help to deal with your wound with your father if your relationship doesn’t seem to be improving.

If fathers can remain an integral part of their daughter’s life after divorce, a loving bond will help them get through rough patches in life. Dr. Peggy Drexler, author of Our Fathers, Ourselves writes, “Likewise, even the most troubled, overwrought , baggage-laden relationship is not without hope – if not of reconciliation, then at least of the daughter finding a new way of seeing her father that might help her to make sense of the forces that shaped him and his actions.” In most cases, It’s not too last to connect with your father or your daughter, even if you haven’t done so in some time.  

The information contained in this blog also applies to many father-daughter relationships when the parents are unwed. All daughters benefit from a close bond with their father. It is never too late to heal fractured relationships and for love and forgiveness. Fathers can be an integral part of their daughters lives even if they live apart or have had limited contact in the past.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/11/fathers-and-daughters-an-essential-bond-after-divorce/

5 Signs It's Time To Uncouple. By Jay Williams

The decision to end a relationship and file for divorce is an exceptionally difficult one. Procrastination, indecision, anxiety, panic, anger, uncertainty; all of these and more will be felt whilst considering whether you should stay or walk away. With the end of a marriage or long-term relationship undoubtedly always bringing about major changes, this is entirely understandable and, in my opinion, unavoidable.

That said, the severity of the negative emotions that you feel can be controlled to some extent. I’ve always found that clients who are able to rationalise their decisions have been those best placed to limit the extent to which negative feelings actually affect them. For this reason, rationalising your decision to end your relationship beforehand always make the task itself, the feelings that follow and any resulting changes to your lifestyle far more tolerable. In order to help you with this here are what I believe to be the top five signs that it’s time for a divorce:

1.       You’re both indifferent

It’s widely assumed that arguments between couples are detrimental to their relationship. Whilst this is true to an extent (constant bickering and disagreement are bound to wear people down after all), they can also be positive.

When people openly discuss things that are making them feel dissatisfied, they’re also trying to resolve things and improve the situation. Even when this leads to confrontation, it has the potential to be beneficial and shows that the parties care enough to try and work things out. When they therefore shut down and simply bottle up their dissatisfaction, they’ve already given up on the relationship.

So, if you or your partner no longer care enough to argue, it’s time to walk away.

2.       There’s resentment

If either spouse has come to resent the other, there’s no hope of the relationship being a happy one ever again.

When one person blames the other for something like a missed opportunity brought about by, for example, sacrifices they’ve made for their spouse, there’s no coming back. If you feel this way about your spouse, it’s time to call it a day.

3.       The love’s gone

Most couples that file for divorce ultimately do so because they and their spouse have fallen out of love with one another and with good reason. Love, after all, is the bedrock upon which the foundation of any marriage is built. Without it, the whole thing starts to crumble.

If you no longer love your spouse or vice versa, you can still maintain a friendship (this’ll be particularly beneficial if you’ve had children together) but there’s little point trying to hold the marriage together.

4.       Their behaviour doesn’t change

Every couple encounters problems. Sometimes, it’s because one spouse behaves in a way that’s exceptionally selfish or inconsiderate. At other times, this behaviour is ongoing for a prolonged period, but the offending spouse makes a concerted effort to change and does so. When these circumstances apply, the affected couple can go on to enjoy a happy marriage. If the offending party does not change their behaviour, however, their spouse is simply never going to be happy with their marriage.

To put it another way, if you’ve persistently informed your spouse that you’re unhappy with their behaviour only for it to persist, you really should consider ending your marriage.

5.       You see no other option

Sometimes, couples are so determined to save their marriages that they try everything they can think of –  from marriage counselling to prolonged periods of time apart – to no avail. Trust me, if you can genuinely say you’ve tried everything and you’re still unhappy, it’s time to separate, start a new chapter in your life and find contentment.

Author bio:

Jay Williams works as a case manager at Quickie Divorce, one of the largest providers of uncontested divorce solutions in England and Wales. 

Is 'Semi-Separating' The New Divorce? by Sara Davison

You may have read my comments in the Daily Telegraph on Monday about a new way of breaking up which has been growing steadily in popularity, albeit under the radar. It's been termed "semi-separating'.

This is when a marriage is coming to an end but the couple decide not to leave the marital home and remain living together under the same roof.

It may seem a strange concept but there are many different reasons for staying in the same home after a breakup, which include:

• Uncertainty as to whether breaking up is the right decision
• Financial reasons
• The couple have children and don't want to break up the family environment
• Lifestyle choice
• Fear of change and of the unknown future apart
• The home is part of the family business and cannot be sold without damaging consequences

Often there is a slow and natural drifting apart that takes place as the relationship comes to an end. There are three stages in the semi-separating process before the final decision to divorce is made.

Stage 1: The couple take separate bedrooms. This is easily explained to the children by saying that Dad snores or Mum has to get up early to for work. It gives the couple each their own personal space which can help to alleviate tensions.

Stage 2: The couple alternate weekend child care responsibility. This means that they will each spend time alone with the kids at weekends. One parent will often be out or stay away when it's their weekend off.

Stage 3: The couple will no longer eat together in the evenings and will live separate lives during the week too.

There are some advantages to semi-separating as it can be a helpful and informative process:

• It makes a divorce easier for the kids as they become used to spending time alone with each parent and having quality time alone with each of them.
• It helps the couple get used to single parenting and often boosts confidence in their own abilities as parents.
• It allows both adults to get used to the idea and avoids rushing into divorce and having regrets.

However, there are some cases where semi-separating would not be a healthy option. For example, if the relationship is so bad that the home environment is toxic to live in. I am a big believer that divorce does not have to damage kids but it does very much depend on the parents' behaviour. If children are subjected to arguments and lots of tension there is a good case for a clean quick break.

Also, on going disagreements between the couple can damage their own potential for a healthy friendship and co-parenting relationship further down the line. Semi-separating may not be a wise option if:

• You are in an abusive relationship
• The children are exposed to a toxic environment and arguments
• Your confidence and self esteem is being eroded daily

In these cases a total separation would be a healthier option and protect both yourself and the children from any further damage.

Every breakup is different and there is not one solution that will work for every couple. Take some time to think carefully about what is best for your situation and don't be afraid to ask for advice from an expert if you need it.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/is-semiseparating-the-new_b_15379652.html?utm_hp_ref=uk-breakups

Successful Parenting After Separation By: Jonathan Brown

Separation is a challenging time for many parents because it is an adjustment to a new way of life. There are both positive and negative factors to separation and the corresponding changes, but one of the issues that can arise is the differences that parents may have in the ways that they parent the children. The key point or focus that parents need to address is that they must put the best interests of the children first, and that their role is to continue to be the best possible parents to their children, even though they no longer live in the same home.

In order to put the interests of the children first parents that are separated need to consider the following issues, and determine how they can accomplish the goal of putting their kids first and provide love, safety and security for their children.

Communication

Maintaining the lines of communication is critical to continue successfully parenting the children. Many incorrect assumptions are made that the other parent is aware of scheduling changes, school events, outings or other issues affecting the child. Often parents expect children to be the messengers between them, and this is a very difficult and emotionally harmful role for you child to have to play. Parents should discuss and determine a method that will allow them to continue to communicate about the children and to work together to make decisions in the best interests of the kids. This communication may be done by fax, email, voicemail, phone calls or
face-to-face meetings, depending on the level of comfort or conflict.

Flexibility

No matter how carefully you plan or schedule your life there are always things that come up out of your control. As parents it is important to realize that this can happen for you, your ex-spouse and your children. Try to be as flexible as possible and allow the other parent and the children to have time together whenever possible.

Joint decision making

If you are able to communicate as coparents it is important to keep in mind that joint decision-making is usually in the best interests of the children. For difficult or major decisions it is helpful to get the other parent's input and opinion to prevent further conflict down the line. Most parents want to be a part of their children's lives even if they don't live in the same home as the children, and using a joint decision making process helps them stay connected to the children and helps to provide a sense of security for the children.

Stay positive about the other parent

It is important to allow the children to have the most positive relationship that they possibly can with both of their parents. The more positive, respectful and civil that Mom and Dad can stay with each other the more comfortable, secure and stable the children will view their new lives. Children need to understand that separated parents are still Mom and Dad, and will still continue to be a part of their lives, even thought they live in different homes or even in different communities.

Keep explanations to children as simple as possible, and avoid any negative comments about the other parent. As separated parents stay flexible, communicate openly about the children and allow maximum contact between your children and the other parent

http://www.articlegeek.com/home/parenting_articles/parenting-after-separation.htm

Managing Handovers With Your Ex-Partner

If you are feeling awkward or upset at the prospect of facing your ex, then handovers can be very difficult. You may have to exercise some self-control just to stay calm.

If you still have very raw feelings about your ex, you may be tempted to use handovers as an opportunity to speak your mind. Keep in mind that children are very sensitive to the feelings and attitudes around them and that they will pick up on conflict between their parents. For your children’s sakes, it’s important to try and make handovers as pleasant as possible.

Some handover etiquette:

• Be courteous.
• Turn up on time - let the other parent know if you are delayed.
• Make sure the children have everything they need.
• Keep difficult conversations away from the children.
• If you are struggling with this, consider alternative ways of managing the handovers so that your children are protected.

Dealing with change over time

Transitions are difficult for everyone, especially in the early days. Coming face-to-face with your ex and saying goodbye to your children can bring up some very difficult feelings. It can help to have something planned for the time immediately following the handover so that you can remain upbeat. While it’s hard now, you may eventually come to value the opportunity to have some space to yourself.

Children have their own feelings to cope with at handover time. They will need time to settle down, adjust to being in a different home, and get used to their mum or dad not being there. Transitions can be sad reminders to children that their parents aren't together anymore and it's not unusual for young children to come home from a weekend with the other parent in a bad mood. Understanding this can help you manage your expectations, and cope with any changes in your child's behaviour.

Follow this link for further information on children in the middle after separation.https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/parenting-apart/managing-handovers-with-your-ex-partner/

Traditional Methods For Divorce Vs. Internet Divorce

There’s the traditional method for getting a divorce and there’s a new method also known as internet divorce. When you take the two methods in stride, you’ll find that with DIY divorce, you get quick divorce as well as divorce that’s reasonably priced. The fact of the matter is, the high costs of divorce come from having to pay for lawyer’s fees. If you didn’t have to pay for that, you’ll be paying something like £50 for the divorce. You can get quick divorce when you rely on online divorce and when you do DIY divorce, you don’t have to worry about additional fees.

When divorce is the only solution for you to get your life back from an abusive marriage or a marriage that just isn’t working, you can start living a happier and more content life but you’ll be faced with the challenge of getting UK divorce. Through the natural process, it can take a lot of time as well as cost you a lot of money but not anymore, with online divorce.

Just as every process in our lives can be managed through the internet, divorce can also be accomplished online. The main benefits for online divorce are that it’s a quick divorce and it’s also a more affordable way to go. This is because you’ll essentially be doing a DIY divorce. Without attorney fees to worry about, you can focus on getting the divorce when you work with an online divorce company. If you need any more proof about the effectivity of internet divorce, here are some of the figures. If you compare a regular divorce with a quick divorce through the internet, traditional divorce proceedings take about months and even a year or more to be finalized and completed. In relation to costs, you have to prepare £1000 of your money to cover for traditional divorce and that doesn’t even include the court fees.

On the other hand, with internet divorce, in less than 12 weeks, you’ll be divorced. You’ll also only spend £29.99 to get the divorce. Even if that figure doesn’t include court fees, it’s a way more reasonable price to pay for getting a divorce. Many proceedings for divorce end abruptly because of the cost or the time that it takes to be completed. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you won't have to suffer continuously with DIY divorce. You simply have to go online and find an online divorce company and file the divorce. In most cases, you’ll have every bit of information on divorce from the best internet divorce providers. The law constantly changes and if there are any developments or updates to the law about UK divorce, you’ll know about it.

With traditional methods for divorce, you’ll get less than quick divorce because you have to schedule an appointment with your lawyer, make sure that you’re working within office hours and you’ll be billed by the hour. This means time off work for you where you can lose income and you have to pay for attorney’s fees. With internet divorce and DIY divorce, you can get a quick divorce. UK divorce is faster, cheaper and more reliable if you go the online way. It’s the faster way to start living a quality life.

https://articlebliss.com/Article/673939/Traditional-Methods-for-Divorce-vs-Internet-Divorce.html