How to handle Christmas as the adult child of a messy divorce

It’s difficult to nail those ‘peace on earth’ vibes when your mum and dad have suddenly decided that they hate each other’s guts. Here, life coach Sara Davison offers her advice on how to choose between your parents at Christmas.

My parents officially separated when I was 26 years old, and, for a while, I found myself perennially haunted by the Ghosts of Christmas. You know the ones I mean: the first visits quite early on in the year, when your mum asks casually – a little too casually – what your yuletide plans are. She catches you off guard, and you almost answer without thinking about it; you almost say, “I’m coming home, obviously – where else would I go?”

Then you remember that home isn’t the same as it used to be. Mum’s moved into her own little house, dad is living with his new partner, and to make a decision without thinking very carefully about the repercussions feels overwhelmingly like the familial equivalent of voting to Brexit; a horrible mess that you can’t talk your way out of, no matter how hard you try.

“Remember?” whispers the Ghost of Christmas Past, suddenly at your ear. “Remember when you could just go home for presents and a sloppy turkey roast?”

The Ghost of Christmas Past likes to state the obvious, I’ve found. And it also likes to shuffle through my memories for the rosiest-tinted recollections it can get its mitts on, playing them over and over in my head whenever I’m feeling emotionally fragile – which, at this time of year, is pretty much my constant state of being. All it takes is a soaring rendition of Judy Garland’s Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas on the radio, or prolonged exposure to sappy Christmas adverts.

Over the years, though, things have gotten easier. A lot easier. And that is almost entirely down to my wonderful parents. Together, we’ve come to a brilliant arrangement that suits us all: my sister and I spend Christmas (complete with family games, festive joy, presents under the tree, letters to Santa Claus and a big gut-busting lunch) with my mum. Then, on New Year’s Eve, we do Christmas all over again (minus the letters to Santa) with dad and his new partner. Everyone is happy, everyone has a lovely time, everyone feels good about themselves and the year ahead. Nobody feels guilty, or sad, or anxious. 

In short, I’m very lucky: I have parents who consistently put me and my sister first, and their own feelings about their divorce second. But what about all those ACOD (Adult Children of Divorce) who don’t have things as easy as we do? With this thought in mind, I reached out to Sara Davison –esteemed divorce coach and author of The Split – 30 days from Breakup to Breakthrough – for her advice on the matter.

Be sensitive to your parents’ feelings. It will be hard for them too, even if they are putting on a brave face for you.

“Your parents breakup can hit home especially hard over the festive season as Christmas is traditionally a family time,” says Sara. “You will have to navigate a minefield of difficult decisions including who you visit for Christmas lunch, how you avoid upsetting either of them and whether spending time with new partners is going to cause arguments.

“A few days ago Megan came to see me to ask my advice about how to handle her parents divorce and the effect it was having on her. Her Dad had left her Mum six months ago and had recently met a new woman and they had invited Megan to have Christmas lunch with them. Megan felt sorry for her Mum as she would be on her own and had always made such a fuss about having the family around over the holidays. It was going to be a huge change for her. Megan also knew that her Mum was finding it really hard that her Dad had moved on so quickly and met someone else, not helped by the fact that she was a lot younger too.

“It may surprise you that the older you are when your parents breakup the harder it can be to adjust and the bigger the shock because it’s all you’ve ever known. This is because our parents are often seen as our rock and no matter how well you get on with them as an adult they will always represent “home” and “security”. They embody all your childhood memories and have been instrumental as a team in bringing you up and forming your values and opinions. So if they decide to split up it can be a difficult adjustment.

“Megan was definitely finding it really hard and didn’t want to upset either of their festive plans. She felt happy for her Dad for moving on as she had known he was unhappy for many years. However she was also devastated for her Mum especially as this would be her first Christmas since the family home was sold. It was also hard for Megan as events like selling the family home can have a big impact on adult children too. It feels like you are losing a part of your history. Sometimes adults find change harder to adjust to than children who are often more open and flexible.

“Obviously you know your parents best and can anticipate their reactions better than anyone. So it’s important to trust your instinct and make the right decisions for your personal situation.”

Sara Davison’s top 10 tips for coping with your parents’ divorce over Christmas:

1. Work out what YOU want to do over Christmas first. Find a plan that you are happy with so you know what would be ideal but be open to being flexible.
2. Have good communication about plans for Christmas with each parent. Let them know what you would like to do and listen to what they have to say.
3. Be fair. If they both want you to come for Christmas lunch suggest that this year you do it with one parents and alternate for the next year. If they live close enough you can always do Boxing Day lunch with the other parent instead.
4. To diffuse potential arguments do make it clear that you are finding this hard to. Sometimes parents forget their breakup has a ripple effect on their adult kids too.
5. If you are worried that one or both parents are struggling find ways to make it easier for them by contacting friends to alert them and to ask if they could help out over Christmas too.
6. Avoid bad mouthing one parent to another as this will only inflame the situation and not make it better.
7. Be sensitive to your parents’ feelings. It will be hard for them too, even if they are putting on a brave face for you.
8. If one parent has a new partner, and this is hard for the other parent, one way to keep the peace is to consider spending a little less time with them for this first Christmas. As things settle and your parents move on with their lives you can spend more time with new partners.
9. Focus on the fact that this can be a good opportunity for your parents to find more happiness. If they weren’t happy in the marriage then it can be the best thing for them.
10. Remember you can’t please everyone all the time. Do your best and make sure it works for you too.

Above all else, don’t compare your own relationship to that of your parents. Some adult children of divorce will find themselves questioning their own relationships or shunning commitment after their parents’ divorce – but you shouldn’t cultivate a cynicism about love. Instead, use it as a learning experience, analyse what went wrong between your mum and dad, and apply that knowledge to your own relationships to avoid the same pitfalls.

Remember you can’t please everyone all the time. Do your best and make sure it works for you too.

“Sometimes couples apart find a new sense of freedom and a jest for life that they didn’t have together,” adds Sara. “You may find that seeing your parents happier makes up for any sadness about their divorce.

“The New Year is the perfect time for a fresh start and a divorce gives both your parents a chance to redesign their lives just the way they want to. It’s interesting that the marriage rate for ‘silver splitters’ has been increasing in recent years so don’t be surprised to find your parents moving on with new partners and having a second bite at the cherry!”

https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/christmas-parents-grey-divorce-adult-child-family-marriage-split-scrooge/68025?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=share&utm_campaign=share-buttons&fbclid=IwAR1O3Oxd8lXvbQs0aVJoKkKhZnKQTqhTT2cba4-BQ5A3ScV4P0hE6qku4C8

Is This True Love? by Randi Gunther Ph.D.

How do you really know when you’ve found your true love?

During my forty years as a couple’s therapist, many of my relationship-seeking patients have asked me this question when they meet someone special.  
  
In watching literally hundreds of relationships unfold, I believe that I can answer that question with relative accuracy. I understand what early feelings and behaviors most often predict when a new relationship will transform into long-lasting, true love. Of course, feelings of love can be more urgent in youth, and people tend to be more wary as life progresses, but new couples are new couples at every stage of life. No matter when or how they meet, some people do experience clearly magical connections very early on in a relationship that predict long-term commitment and devotion.

I’ve asked my long-lasting true-love couples what they remember when they met the person who became their long-lasting love. I believe that those early experiences are often the litmus test of whether a relationship has the potential to develop into true love. I’ve had the opportunity to observe new couples who definitely have had those experiences and many are still deeply in love after spending years together. They all shared nine similar experiences very early in their relationship that helped them know that they’d found their soul mates.  

1. Surprise
   As people navigate their way through dating experiences, they are likely to have pre-set expectations of the early moments. Though most hope that each new relationship might be “the one,” they internally don’t expect that to happen. As a result, they develop patterns of interaction that have worked relatively well in the past, and approach each new relationship ready to re-enact them.
   When a relationship has the potential for long-term devotion, my couples tell me that they felt that their early connection didn’t follow the usual pattern. Each responded differently than they expected and in ways that were immediately intriguing. They had a sense of surprise that felt off-kilter in a special kind of way. Things weren’t going in a predictable and comfortable direction, but the new path felt different in a positive way.
   “I saw her walk in the door and she looked interesting, but that had happened to me many times before and I didn’t trust my first responses to any new person anymore. I decided to get closer anyway, just to make the evening worthwhile. At first, she didn’t seem interested, but I persisted because something felt different in an odd sort of way. We started talking and, within a short time, this weird feeling started to come over me, like I was kind of out-of-body. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, because it was nothing I’d felt before. I kept wondering what this girl was doing that was making me feel different. It’s hard to put it into words, even after all this time, but I can tell you, I wasn’t the same. I couldn’t have told you that night, but, in looking back, I was already in love.”
2. Intrigue
   Everyone starts a new relationship with some kind of physical attraction. That’s natural. But intrigue is different. There’s a unique kind of interest in the way that potential partner moves, or the sound of his or her voice. People tell me that they just wanted the other person to keep talking, connecting, and staying, like they couldn’t get enough of the experience and didn’t know why. They felt their interest and desire to connect growing from the moment they started connecting.
   “I saw him first from the back. He was listening intently to another girl but not like someone who was just looking for sex. More like genuinely interested in who she was. His stance was, I don’t know, just kind. I loved the tilt of his head so I moved a little closer, hoping to get a better feel for what I was experiencing. When I could see and hear him better, something inside of me started to purr. Maybe someone else wouldn’t feel that way, but I just knew that I had to know who was inside that person. 
   I did something I’ve never done before. I noticed what he was drinking, and got him another like it at the bar. When he broke from the conversation with the other girl, I handed it to him. He started laughingand told me he’d absolutely never been approached that way before. I told him I’d never approached anyone that way before. Then I started laughing. The warmth between us was palpable, and I’d only known him for three minutes.”
3. Timelessness
   Most people are acutely aware and too reliant upon how they are controlled by time. What happened in the past, what is happening now, and what might happen in the future are often omni-present concerns in most people’s minds. Past mistakes and future concerns dominate most people’s search for an intimate partner and they know that correct timing is essential. They plan how to approach a potential partner, when to make a move, and how and when to navigate the next step. They know that too fast an approach can push a person away, but so can too much passivity. 
   My couples who found true love tell me that one of the first things they noticed when they met each other was that time and timing just didn’t come into play. They truly remember that time did stand still.
   “I’d usually moved pretty fast in the past. I didn’t want to waste time with a woman who wasn’t exciting to look at, or quickly held my attention. I guess you would have described me as urgent about not making any more mistakes and being able to get out of a relationship soon if it didn’t work out right away. I’ll never forget the afternoon I met Jeannie. She was having coffee with some friends at Starbucks. I just kept looking at her until she started laughing and asked me if I was on drugs. We started talking and my old patterns just didn’t kick in. My need to rapidly access the potential just disappeared. As dumb as that sounds, it felt as if time stood still, like I didn’t want what I was feeling to end. I think I would have waited forever for her to be in my life.”
4. Quickened
   The intense drive of sexual attraction is part of every new relationship but there are additional feelings when true, long-lasting love is a possibility. The sense of being alive is felt simultaneously and in every cell in the body. The heart feels as if it is opening, the mind is engaged, the senses are awakened, and a feeling of transcendence often emerges. 
   Couples who have stayed in love for a long time tell me that both of them felt as if something were transforming inside of them, a kind of awakening they had not often felt before, like they made an energy together neither had known in the same way before.   
   “It was a fix-up date so I really didn’t expect anything, except two of my good friends arranged it so I knew I wouldn’t be totally disappointed, whoever he turned out to be. I had no idea that what happened could have ever happened. He gave me a great hug when I first walked into the restaurant and then kind of pushed me back a little and laughed like someone who had just been given a present. At first I didn’t even know what or how to feel, but something came over me I’d never felt before, like being given a shot of adrenalin and a tranquilizer at the same time, totally calm but unbelievably alive. I knew that something special was happening but I had no idea how special it would turn out to be.”
5. Fear
   In the beginning of a new relationship, most people try hard to limit their investment. Though they don’t want to be hurt or disappointed, they don’t expect to win the lottery. “Nothing ventured; nothing lost, seems to be a good beginning. 
   Though those feelings of unsureness and anxiousness can make anyone a little apprehensive, most relationship-seekers continue searching despite them. They expect that fear of loss is supposed to accompany every new venture, but persist nevertheless.
   If a new relationship has the capability of long-lasting love, that apprehensive feeling has a distinctly different flavor. Many of my couples have described those early responses as something like being on the edge of a cliff and wondering if they could fly. They just could not give up the chance to hold on to what they were experiencing, no matter what happened. 
   “My friends had watched me for years, handling each relationship with the same confident air of a person who doesn’t get too close to anyone. I’d been burned in the past and I routinely handled my dates from a non-risk perspective. I had great times with a lot of women, but never seriously considered sticking around with anyone. Fearless and over-protective, I was totally comfortable in my style. Then Natalie showed up in my life. We worked together for a few weeks and she didn’t seem interested. As I got to know her, I had this strange feeling. I was getting very, very interested in this person, and I was, like, scared. Not scared of winning, more scared of losing, like I wouldn’t be able to bear it if she went away. Every day made the fear stronger and the desire even more so. When she told me she wanted to know me better, I felt like crying.”
6. Certainty
   Many new lovers feel overwhelmed and obsessed with each other. Those feelings are typical of a beginning romance when two people are newly physically attracted. They can’t get enough of each other and spend long hours building and satisfying those feelings. If the sexual relationship is compatible in terms of frequency and depth, most would feel very certain that things were off to a good start.
   The feelings of certainty in a potentially long-term relationship are different from the very beginning of more typical relationships. Though they include mutual attraction, there is much more. My long-term couples tell me that they felt almost immediately grounded, quiet, and serious, totally convicted that they would end up together. It was as if fate had intervened, telling them that their unbelievable connection was real and they could trust its promise.
   “I’d dated a lot of men, some great, some not so. I really wasn’t looking to get long-term serious but not rejecting the idea if it happened someday. My first reaction to Ned was very physical. He was beautiful to look at and moved in a way that excited me. We dated a few times before we went to bed and the physical connection was good. But something happened after he fell asleep. I was looking at him and my heart wouldn’t settle down. I started wondering what it would be like to never leave him. I told myself, ‘seriously, after a month? What’s wrong with you?’ It didn’t matter. He woke up and looked at me: ‘You’re special, you know.’ That was it.”
7. Authenticity
   Most people present themselves in new relationships as the best package they think the other partner might want. They regularly withhold anything about themselves that might challenge the potential of the relationship’s getting better. They understandably reason that they’ll know more as they feel more secure. 
   In relationships that harbor the potential of true love, people almost immediately feel the desire to confess and share everything about themselves, whether negative or positive. They just don’t want to hold anything back. They feel immediately courageous, wanting to know and be known, no matter what the outcome.
   “I’d been around the block a few times, and I knew how to posture pretty well in new relationships so that the woman would want to keep dating if I liked her. I had it down and it worked pretty well every time. I usually was the one to get tired of the relationship, and didn’t mind the occasional times I got dropped before I was ready. I’d improve the act and get out there again. Then this crazy, emotional girl showed up in my life. She was incredibly present and marvelously quirky. We talked twelve straight hours the first night we were together. I found myself telling her every important thing that had ever happened to me, including stupid stuff. She laughed everywhere she was supposed to and cried when I did. I felt the weight of my old patterns lift off of me, and I never wanted to go back to being that hidden guy again.”
8. Synergy
   Compatibility is a must in every good relationship, but synergy is something more. It’s great to dance easily with another, but creating new dances as you go is a whole other world. Many people are a good teamand complete each other’s dreams and desires. But couples who are synergistic do more than add to each other’s lives. Together, they are more than the sum of their individual parts. They become, in each other’s presence, more than either of them could have ever become alone or with anyone else.
   “I’d accomplished a lot in my life. I felt good about the package I had to offer, and had pretty high expectations of any guy I was going to partner with. Most of them just didn’t measure up, even though I knew we could probably compensate where the other wasn’t as strong. But I never felt it was a good enough match to commit and I was totally fine being single. Enter Jason. Old camera; brand new picture. All of a sudden I found myself excited about my own potential in ways I’d never experienced before. We not only clicked, we expanded. I felt unabated discovery. We just got more and more interesting to ourselves, and to each other. It’s never changed.”
9. Home
   Many people have told me, as they navigated the dating world, how much they feel like a transient, a traveler in a foreign world, without knowing where they’re going or when they’ll find out. The smorgasbord of possible partners and the myriad of disappointments can be overwhelming to anyone. Most relationship-seeking people are far from the comforts of their origins and feel the understandable ache to know if they will ever find a person who loves them in the same way. So many of my couples who have found their true loves have talked to me about how they felt when they first met when they felt their search was over.
   “I knew that our first few dates felt different, but I didn’t quite know how to deal with what was going on in my mind, and my heart. The more time I spent with her, the more I started to feel this incredible feeling of peace. My troubles seemed suddenly lighter and my dreams seemed more and more possible. It was like finding parts of me that I’d lost. Somehow, with her in my life, I could build something that I couldn’t have seen or known before. I still couldn’t put it into words until my best friend did it for me. ‘Hey, Brad. You sound like you’re home.’ He was right.”

Many new couples start out believing they are having some of these experiences, only to find out that they somehow didn’t keep happening. Those are understandable disappointments. But every partnership has a better chance when the people within them feel early on that they are real and won’t go away. Long-lasting love doesn’t give in to the typical challenges that end most relationships. It grows stronger when it is threatened. The partners who feel the thoughts and emotions shared above at the beginning of their relationships know that those experiences are sacred and rare. They guard them with everything they have, unwilling to lose what they have finally found. Ruptures are opportunities to do things better, sorrows are openings for sharing sadness, and honoring each other’s core selves is never lost.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201601/is-true-love

Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012

Tony Robbins - how To Create a Strong intimate Relationship and Improve your Love Life

4 Reasons Not To Listen To Divorce Advice From Friends & Family

This may just be the most important article you read regarding your divorce.

Going through a divorce is hard enough. The last thing you need is to get slanted, subjective “advice” from family and friends. I get it though, how can you not listen to them?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying family and friends are intentionally trying to give you bad advice. No, not at all. I’m sure they have your best interest in mind. It just so happens that the advice they probably are giving you is bad and you should not listen to it. Take it from a divorce attorney who has seen this more times than I can count.

My clients would ALWAYS tell me some variation of the following: “My best friend’s sister went through a divorce can she got a, b, c and the dishwasher.” My response would be, “Okay, so what are you telling me? You want that, too.”

Divorce doesn’t work that way.

I describe divorce like a snowflake; no two are the same. Every divorce is different. It’s so fact sensitive that there is no way you can compare one to another.

Maybe you were married the same amount of time as someone you know who got divorced. Maybe you have the same number of children. But, that’s not how assets get divided.

There is a myriad of factors that attorneys and courts consider when discussing alimony and asset distribution. No two couples have the same assets. No two couples have the same marriage. That’s why you can’t compare one divorce to another.

Here are 4 reasons not to listen to family and friends for divorce advice:

1. They don’t know all the detail and facts about your marriage, even though they think they do.

If you’re close to your friends and family, they probably know about you and what’s going on in your life. However, I don’t care if you speak to them every day, I guarantee you they don’t know everything. They don’t know all your assets that would be subject to distribution; they don’t know all the numbers and finances. And even if you told them, they don’t know how to process that information objectively and legally so it would mean something to you.

2. They don’t know the law.

Unless your friend or family member is a practicing divorce attorney, they don’t know the            law regarding divorce. They might think they do, but they don’t know it all. Watching Divorce Court is not the same thing as being a divorce lawyer. Divorce law is         complicated and it all depends on the specific facts of your particular case. It’s not as simple as just splitting everything, taking an average, or basing child support on how many kids you have. Friends and family are not considering the nuances of your case.

3. They are not living the divorce like you are.

The only person who truly understands what your divorce feels like is you. The second closest would be your soon-to-be ex. Not your family or friends. I would compare their view to a fan watching the game from the stands. The fan can remove themselves from the game whenever they choose and maybe get a hot dog, or just leave the stadium if the game is boring. Not you and your divorce. You can’t escape it. Their advice is       coming from a different point of view, which might be good, but often it is either useless or makes things worse.  

4. They are not objective, which is the type of advice you need to rely on.

That’s why people hire attorneys. Although they are your advocate, they should be objective and advise you accordingly. A good divorce attorney acts without the emotional baggage that you are dealing with. Friends and family can’t do that. Just the nature of being your friend means they are not objective and probably are unconsciously trying to make things right for you. As a divorce attorney, I’m always straight up with my         clients; I tell them the good, bad and the ugly. The last thing you want is to be surprised when the judge decides something differently than you expected.

The Most Important Piece Of Legal Advice You Will Get:

Here it is…ready?  It will blow your mind.

Don’t listen to your friends, their friends, or your cousin’s brother’s friend.

Everybody will want to give you advice about what he or she got in his or her divorce, or better yet, what you should get in yours. Just tune it out.

You can’t compare your divorce to someone else’s. There is nothing good that can come from it. Focus on you. Seek out objective opinions and take subjective advice with a grain of salt.

Save yourself the wasted energy from engaging in conversation about other people’s divorce. Next time one of your friends or family offers advice to you on your situation, you can politely stop them from offering their advice to your situation.

If you are in the middle of a divorce, or about to start one, you have BIGGER fish to fry than to worry about another divorce, or what people are saying about yours. 

This is your life and only you will live with the consequences of the decisions you make.

https://divorcedmoms.com/4-reasons-not-to-listen-to-divorce-advice-from-friends-family/

How To Make A Prenuptial Agreement

If you're thinking about entering into a prenuptial agreement, you're not alone - they are becoming much more popular nowadays. Here are some things you should remember when drawing one up.

Preparing for marriage is a very happy time for any couple. They are planning a long and happy life together, so don't want to even think that things might fall apart later. But with up to half of marriages in the UK ending in divorce nowadays, a sensible couple should give serious consideration about what should happen should their forthcoming marriage suffer that unfortunate fate. In short, they shouldn't go into marriage without first having made a prenuptial agreement.

Although the huge increase in the amount of people divorcing has made the prenuptial more popular, many people are not certain what they are or how to go about getting one. A prenuptial agreement is a contract made between the couple before they actually marry. In it they decide how their assets should be split in the event of divorce. The prenup may also stipulate how the assets will be split if one of the couple dies. This means that provision can be made for any children brought into the marriage by one of parties.

So why is it so necessary to agree how you might divide any assets should you divorce? The division of assets following divorce is almost always contentious. This is particularly so if one of the spouses takes the larger percentage of assets into the marriage,and faces losing them at a divorce hearing. By taking out a prenup, he/she could protect themselves from losing their personal assets as well as having to pay potentially crippling maintenance to their former spouse.

Both parties signing the prenuptial agreement should understand that current UK law does not require British courts to accept the agreement when making a ruling. But they may well take a prenup into account if one has been drawn up.

Because of this uncertainty over the status of the prenuptial agreement in the UK, couples drawing one up are therefore advised to take prudent steps. Make sure it is signed no less than 21 days before the date of the wedding. Any later and it could be ruled that one of the couple had signed it under duress, thereby making it almost certain the agreement would be discounted at any divorce hearing. It is also advisable that your prenuptial agreement is drawn up by a specialist solicitor, making it all the more probable it will be accepted by the courts should the marriage end in divorce.

https://articlebliss.com/Article/513097/How-to-Make-a-Prenuptial-Agreement.html

How being heartbroken was the best thing to ever happen to me: Emma Gibbs at TEDxSouthBankWomen

6 REASONS YOU’RE VULNERABLE TO NOT SEEING RED FLAGS IN LOVE!

If you feel like you are wearing a kick me sign on your heart, if might be because you have 5 vulnerabilities – which get in your way of noticing red flags! Read on…

There was a time (a long, long time ago) that I used to be colorblind to red flags.

Even red banners!

Eventually I developed tools to spot a red flag a-waving – even when it showed up as merely a red hankee.

How?  I took time to explore the root of my “Red Flag Colorblindness,” and determined that a combo of 6 vulnerabilities were at fault.

If you’ve been blind to red flags, here are 6 potential reasons why!

1. You have a “blinding” desire for marriage.

You know how it’s not a good idea to text while you’re walking? After all, you’re not focused on what’s right smack in front of you – like that woman walking her poodle or that big steel pole.

Similarly, you can become blind to red flags when you’re experiencing a “blinding desire” for finding a relationship.

Maybe all your friends are getting married.

Maybe you feel pressure from your parents or coworkers.

Maybe you’ve just found out your ex is all happily coupled up – and you’re now unstoppably determined to cozy up to someone too.

 Unfortunately when you have your eyes focused on your “end game,” you can’t be on top of your dating game.

Basically, it’s hard to clearly see the person in front of you, when your eyes are obsessively focused on a wedding finish line.

2. You have an achilles heel.

You know the expression “achilles heel”?

It originates from the Greek mythological hero Achilles – and it’s in reference to a weakness someone has – which can become their ultimate downfall.

Unfortunately many of us have “achilles heels” when it comes to relationships.

They can show up as …

an “Achilles Uterus” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about wanting a baby and your biological clock is ticking)

an “Achilles Wallet” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about money)

an “Achilles Toosh” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your weight)

“Achilles Wrinkles” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your age)

Basically, if you’re feeling insecure about an aspect of yourself, this can create self-worth issues.

The lower your self worth, the lower the bar you’ll be setting for finding a partner.

As a result, slimy snaky partners can limbo under your low-bar and slip themselves into your heart!

3. Your “comfort zone” is a “dis-comfort zone.”

Meaning?

If you grew up in a home where love came with anxiety and pain, then you might feel most comfortable with love coming with anxiety and pain.

Basically, your limiting beliefs about love can wind up limiting your happiness.

BIG CLUE: If you find yourself constantly asking friends, “Is this normal?” then you might be suspect for having a “comfort zone” which double-duties as a “dis-comfort zone.”

4. You’re living by the concept: “In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.”

Back when I suffered from “Red Flag Colorblindness,” I was willing to settle for the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner”- and not hold out for a “two-eyed partner.”

NOTE: I don’t mean to be politically incorrect with this quirky metaphor of a one-eyed partner.

I’m simply trying to find a funny way to say that I was willing to settle for a partner who was deeply-deeply-flawed – because I’d become cynical about believing in the existence of a non-deeply-deeply-flawed partner.

I kept rationalizing a partner’s bad behavior – because I just thought the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner” was the best that was out there.

I’d tell myself things like, “Oh well, at least this guy’s got one eye. These days many guys don’t even have one eye! “

Again, apologies if you find this metaphor politically incorrect! I’m just saying that if you’re super cynical about love, then you can wind up accepting the behavior of deeply-deeply-flawed people – because you simply stopped believing that non-deeply-deeply-flawed people exist.

5. You’re too positive.

Too much positivity can get you into love trouble just as much as too much cynicism!

Surprised?

Here’s how!

If you’re a very positive person, then when you start to see red flags a-waving you might tell yourself very positive things like…

“I can change this quality in this person!”

“I can make the best of this challenging situation!”

“I can handle this red flag because I’m strong and I won’t let it get to me!”

6.  Terrible behavior is outside of your “mental framework.”

Basically, you’d never do something as crappy as the Red Flag Bearer is doing.

It’s thereby tough for you to process that someone is capable of doing something so crappy to you.

There’s a famous story that when Columbus first arrived to the new world, the natives could not see his ships, because the natives had never seen a boat before.

It took the natives a long time to process what they were seeing, because the concept of a “boat” was so foreign and surreal to them.

Similarly, there’s a chance you cannot see specific red flags because they’re completely outside of your “mental framework.”

In summary: Often people with good hearts just don’t see a bad heart coming.

https://www.notsalmon.com/2016/10/02/achilles-something/

Uma Thurman's Raw, Relatable Post-Divorce Interview | The Oprah Winfrey Show | Oprah Winfrey Network

Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

Why These Legendary Actresses Opted Out of Marriage | The Oprah Winfrey Show | Oprah Winfrey Network

How to get self-esteem back, by Mastin Kipp

Meditation: Overcome the Fear of Being Alone

7 Steps To Deciding If Divorce Is Right For You By Joy Cipoletti for DivorcedMoms.co

I wrote an article recently about the long and winding road I took to deciding to divorce. Although I think every step on that road was necessary, it might have been an easier and quicker journey if I’d had a few tools and tips to ease the decision-making process. If you’re still on the fence about divorce, here’s what I wish I’d known:

1. If the relationship is not working for both of you, it’s not working. That’s true for marriage or any other relationship. Women tend to put their needs on the back burner and do what it takes to make their husbands happy, especially once children come along. But marriage is relationship, which means it needs to work for both of you. If it’s not, it’s time to do something different. This might mean divorce, but don’t jump there immediately. The first step is getting honest with yourself (and then your spouse) about what you want. Becoming more authentic and voicing your needs might change things for the better. It’s worth a try.

2. Confusion can be a gift. If you’re not sure, don’t try to force a decision. Clarity will come more easily if you relax. Get the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mona Kirshenbaum. Read it, and answer the questions. It’s an objective assessment that can help you gain clarity.

3. If you find yourself wishing he would die on a business trip, or if you’re planning a murder and hoping not to get caught, it’s a strong sign you need a change. Don’t do anything irreversible (like go through with the murder), but don’t spend your life wishing fate would change it for you. Take action to change what you can.

4. Try everything you can before divorcing. It’s better to try now than to subject yourself to “what ifs” down the road. What have you got to lose? (Caveat: if you or your children are in physical danger, don’t keep trying –- safety first!) If you’ve tried everything and nothing’s changed, you have your answer.

5. Choose life and health — for yourself and your children. Sometimes divorce is a selfish and short-sighted choice. But sometimes it’s a choice for life and health. Your inner guidance will know the difference if you take a little time to get quiet and honest with yourself. If you know you need to leave, see it as a life-affirming choice, not a mean action or a sin.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to set someone free -– whether that’s you, your spouse, or your family dynamics. Reframing the decision in this way — “What’s the most loving choice I can make in this situation?” — can often bring clarity. Just don’t confuse love with guilt or self-sacrifice. Real love is often painful, but feels light and open, not heavy and burdensome.

6. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Sometimes physical symptoms or signals can send messages that our rational minds can’t hear. I recently heard Dr. Lissa Rankin talk about how she would break out in hives whenever she kissed her former husband. That’s a pretty obvious symptom. You might not have anything that obvious, but you can still use your body as a compass.

See what happens in your body when you think about being married until your children graduate from high school or until death do you part. Does your body contract, feel tight, close in? Does your head hurt, or your stomach? Those reactions may be signs that marriage as it currently is, isn’t working. If your body feels open, expansive, like you have room to breathe, then your marriage may have a lot going for it that you can build on.

7. Ask yourself if you would want one of your children to be in a marriage like yours. If the answer is “no,” that might be a sign that staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad idea. If you don’t respect yourself enough to take action on your own behalf, your children may provide stronger motivation. If you want them to have a different kind of relationship, you need to model it for them. Otherwise they’ll repeat what they have learned from watching you and your spouse.

No matter what anyone else thinks, it’s your life, so you get to decide. You and your children will live with the consequences, not your friends, family or professionals. So you need to be ready if you decide to divorce. No matter how much you think you want someone else to tell you what to do, if you’re not ready, you won’t hear it. And if you’re not ready, it won’t matter if everyone is on “your” side.

I had several professionals suggest divorce way before I was ready. And I had a lot of friends and family members over the years wonder why I stayed. But when it came time to take action, it didn’t matter if the whole world was lined up on my side. I was the one who had to take the actions and follow through. And I couldn’t do that until I was ready. You won’t either, no matter what anyone else says.7 Steps To Deciding If Divorce Is Right For You