Dating After Divorce: Be Careful About How You Tell Your Kids! By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially when children are involved. Moving on after divorce can also be challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as well as with your children.

Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your marriage. Having seen that relationship fail can make you insecure about facing new relationships ahead. But if you take the time to go within, learn from your mistakes, understand the lessons from your marriage and determine new ways to approach future relationships, at some point you will feel ready to step back out into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of breaking the news to your children.

Be Sensitive and Empathic!

Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to talk to them about your starting to date. The rapport you have with them and closeness within your own relationship with the kids will also play a part in this difficult conversation.

Remember, your children are smarter than you think. They can pick up on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to be honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential partner into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions on this topic.

Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about yourself and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind them how much you love them, how important they are in your life, and that dating has nothing to do with replacing them – ever! Explain that you will still be the attentive parent you’ve always been and that they always come first in your life. Be very clear that no one will ever replace their other parent either!

You may need to have this conversation many times over several weeks or months to give your kids time to digest the concept and express how they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to ask questions and share their opinions. Be patient and understanding of their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

Be Selective in Choosing Partners!

Don’t introduce your children to every new person you date. You can let them know that you are going out with friends every once in a while, if they ask, but don’t bring causal relationship partners into their world. This can be confusing for children and disappointing for them if the new partner they meet disappears or gets replaced a few weeks or months later.

When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short intervals together and let the exposure build over time. Ask the kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened by the thought they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger. How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with the children. So be careful, considerate and empathic in all your actions. Needless to say, make sure you choose a partner who treats your children well.

Children who have close relationships with both biological parents are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives without distress. Because they feel safe in their relationship with Mom and Dad, they are less likely to be threatened by a new adult entering the picture. When one biological parent disrespects and disparages the other parent, it puts the children on the defensive, making them much more likely to reject a new relationship partner entering the family dynamic.

So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce. Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will be affecting your children. Putting yourself in their place will give you insight into what it can be like to find Mom or Dad with a new partner. Talking with a therapist or relationship coach can be quite helpful as you transition into this next phase of your life.

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Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed guidebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! It can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents are all available at http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind’s advice on dating after divorce and free dating tip sheet are at: www.womendatingafter40.com.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/05/dating-after-divorce-be-careful-about-how-you-tell-your-kids/

Successful Parenting After Separation By: Jonathan Brown

Separation is a challenging time for many parents because it is an adjustment to a new way of life. There are both positive and negative factors to separation and the corresponding changes, but one of the issues that can arise is the differences that parents may have in the ways that they parent the children. The key point or focus that parents need to address is that they must put the best interests of the children first, and that their role is to continue to be the best possible parents to their children, even though they no longer live in the same home.

In order to put the interests of the children first parents that are separated need to consider the following issues, and determine how they can accomplish the goal of putting their kids first and provide love, safety and security for their children.

Communication

Maintaining the lines of communication is critical to continue successfully parenting the children. Many incorrect assumptions are made that the other parent is aware of scheduling changes, school events, outings or other issues affecting the child. Often parents expect children to be the messengers between them, and this is a very difficult and emotionally harmful role for you child to have to play. Parents should discuss and determine a method that will allow them to continue to communicate about the children and to work together to make decisions in the best interests of the kids. This communication may be done by fax, email, voicemail, phone calls or
face-to-face meetings, depending on the level of comfort or conflict.

Flexibility

No matter how carefully you plan or schedule your life there are always things that come up out of your control. As parents it is important to realize that this can happen for you, your ex-spouse and your children. Try to be as flexible as possible and allow the other parent and the children to have time together whenever possible.

Joint decision making

If you are able to communicate as coparents it is important to keep in mind that joint decision-making is usually in the best interests of the children. For difficult or major decisions it is helpful to get the other parent's input and opinion to prevent further conflict down the line. Most parents want to be a part of their children's lives even if they don't live in the same home as the children, and using a joint decision making process helps them stay connected to the children and helps to provide a sense of security for the children.

Stay positive about the other parent

It is important to allow the children to have the most positive relationship that they possibly can with both of their parents. The more positive, respectful and civil that Mom and Dad can stay with each other the more comfortable, secure and stable the children will view their new lives. Children need to understand that separated parents are still Mom and Dad, and will still continue to be a part of their lives, even thought they live in different homes or even in different communities.

Keep explanations to children as simple as possible, and avoid any negative comments about the other parent. As separated parents stay flexible, communicate openly about the children and allow maximum contact between your children and the other parent

http://www.articlegeek.com/home/parenting_articles/parenting-after-separation.htm

Managing Handovers With Your Ex-Partner

If you are feeling awkward or upset at the prospect of facing your ex, then handovers can be very difficult. You may have to exercise some self-control just to stay calm.

If you still have very raw feelings about your ex, you may be tempted to use handovers as an opportunity to speak your mind. Keep in mind that children are very sensitive to the feelings and attitudes around them and that they will pick up on conflict between their parents. For your children’s sakes, it’s important to try and make handovers as pleasant as possible.

Some handover etiquette:

• Be courteous.
• Turn up on time - let the other parent know if you are delayed.
• Make sure the children have everything they need.
• Keep difficult conversations away from the children.
• If you are struggling with this, consider alternative ways of managing the handovers so that your children are protected.

Dealing with change over time

Transitions are difficult for everyone, especially in the early days. Coming face-to-face with your ex and saying goodbye to your children can bring up some very difficult feelings. It can help to have something planned for the time immediately following the handover so that you can remain upbeat. While it’s hard now, you may eventually come to value the opportunity to have some space to yourself.

Children have their own feelings to cope with at handover time. They will need time to settle down, adjust to being in a different home, and get used to their mum or dad not being there. Transitions can be sad reminders to children that their parents aren't together anymore and it's not unusual for young children to come home from a weekend with the other parent in a bad mood. Understanding this can help you manage your expectations, and cope with any changes in your child's behaviour.

Follow this link for further information on children in the middle after separation.https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/parenting-apart/managing-handovers-with-your-ex-partner/

Seven Long-Term Lessons From Parenting After Divorce by Toby Hazlewood

I divorced in 2006 at the age of 30, with two kids then aged 3 and 7. My overriding feelings were of fear and uncertainty, and as I considered my future, I could only contemplate the loss of things I’d previously taken for granted, most worryingly my role as a parent.

The divorce was amicable but there were still differences to resolve. Around 18 months after first parting we’d moved on sufficiently such that we could consider co-parenting (where each parent fulfils an equal or near-equal part of the parenting role). We discussed, then established an arrangement where our daughters would live with each of us on alternate weeks and move between our new homes on the Monday of each week. That was in 2007. The arrangement has evolved over time but remains in place today.

As our eldest heads off to university this September and with both my ex and I having since remarried other people, now seems an appropriate time for a bit of reflection. We’ve all grown significantly in our lives following divorce, we’ve learned a lot and enjoyed many highs and just as many lows as any family separated or otherwise would face.

Co-parenting is by no means the norm in divorced families but in our case we both remained committed to raising the girls and playing an active part in their childhood; our relationship as husband and wife was over but our parenting role will last for all time. Co-parenting presented a means of preserving this involvement in the kids’ lives, but also a good way of allowing each of us to move forwards individually too.

For the last year we’ve co-parented them from a single home in an arrangement known as ‘Nesting’; the kids live full-time in an apartment and their mum and I come and go for alternate weeks using a third bedroom equipped as a hotel room, living-in as resident parent of the week.

It’s unconventional but it seems to suit the girls well and both our new partners seem to accept it as part of delivering on our parenting commitments.

I wanted to share some of the lessons that I’ve learned in 10+ years since divorce. I hope that many of these will apply whether co-parenting is feasible after divorce or not, and at whatever stage a separated family is at, post-split.

1) Kids are extremely resilient and adaptable to change. Kids are remarkably hardy, and way more perceptive than we give them credit for. This isn’t a license to chop and change things whenever it suits you, nor should you underestimate the importance of structure and routine in their lives. Divorced parents are often fearful for the long-term effects on the confidence, contentedness and accomplishments of their kids. In my experience however, kids always adapt, bounce-back and even thrive in life provided that you keep their interests at the forefront of your mind.

2) You cannot make kids adapt any quicker than they naturally want to. They’re adaptable to change but it’s pointless to try and force them to adapt any quicker than they naturally will. Creating an amazing bedroom for them in your new home, taking them on exciting holidays or packing weekends with entertainment and treats won’t help them adapt to separated family life any quicker, although you may prompt resentment in your ex! Just like adults, kids take time to work through things and accept their new reality. Even though our co-parenting setup was infinitely better for all involved, it still took them time to settle into it. The same has been true as I’ve remarried and brought two step-siblings into their lives and their mum has remarried too. In each change in life after divorce, expect a period of adaptation that will take as long as it takes.

3) Being a single parent (even if you find a new partner at some stage) demands many additional roles of you. You must embrace this rather than just survive it. Even with regular and ongoing input from both me and their mum, I’ve been required to fill a fair share of the roles that mum would fill in a non-separated family. I doubt any dad feels instantly equipped to shop for tights, sanitary products or training bras, but I’ve learned and dealt with it. Such experiences have encouraged a closer relationship with more open communication between us than I might have enjoyed if not divorced. I’m grateful for that.

4) Always talk respectfully of your ex and don’t make your kids a go-between. In the aftermath of divorce when communications are strained, it can be tempting to pass messages via the kids. This simply isn’t fair, nor is it their role. As they get older, they become more aware of what it means for you to be talking disrespectfully of your ex. They may also relay things you say to the other parent if they think it will further their own agenda. At all times it’s far preferable to speak respectfully to and of the ex, if only for the benefit of your kids.

5) Your kids just want you to be happy. They will likely recognise that if you’re happy in yourself, it makes you a happy and effective parent to them. They love you and as they get older will likely encourage you to pursue your own happiness too, even if it results in the unconventional scenario where they’re offering you dating advice!

6) Protecting the sanctity of your separated family structure is key. If and when you enter into a new relationship, it’s essential that you protect your parenting arrangement from outside comment and influence. Too often I see established separated families crumbling when a new partner comes onto the scene and takes issue with the kids and/or the close contact that the divorced parents have with each other. A jealous new partner can disrupt your ongoing contact and damage the setup irrevocably which is not in anybody’s best interests (besides perhaps their own). It happened to me in a failed relationship between my marriages and I’m lucky there was no lasting damage in the relationship with my kids.

7) Just when you think you’ve got it all on an even keel, something else will change. Just like when a kid starts sleeping through, teething ends, and the terrible-twos become a distant memory, as one period of challenge ends, so a new one will begin. Teenage hormones will rage, manipulations and tantrums will become complex, calculated and sophisticated. Life moves forwards, you move on, your kids become their own people. Don’t resist it; embrace that fact. Things change!

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As I reflect on life since divorce, I’m proud of how far we’ve come. My fears at the outset were seemingly unfounded and I believe my kids have come through it unharmed. They’re both well-adjusted, popular, confident, academically accomplished and balanced young women (and I realise I’m biased as their dad!)

Each time I think I’ve got it figured out, something else comes up to prove me wrong for getting complacent. This is a common thread of parenting though, whether after divorce or not.

We are all going through a process of change and evolution in life. It’s what makes us who we are, it prompts us to grow, develop and strive for the things we strive for.

As I remind myself often, the role of parenting and raising your kids never really ends anyway; divorced or not, we’re all in it for the long-haul!

Toby

You can access further tools, services, support and insight intended to help those currently managing the challenges of divorce and separation via Facebook.com/divorcedlifestyledesigner or divorcedlifestyledesign.comhttps://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/7-long-term-lessons-from-parenting-after-divorce_uk_5aa76b55e4b0e37f40418a56?utm_hp_ref=uk-children-of-divorce