Fathers and Daughters: An Essential Bond After Divorce. By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

The relationship a daughter has with her father is one that has a profound impact on her life. The breakup of a family often changes the dynamic of the father-daughter relationship and it can be a challenge to stay connected. Research has shown that fathers play an important role in the lives of their daughters but that this relationship is the one that changes the most after divorce.

There’s no denying that a woman’s relationship with her father is one of the most crucial in her life. The quality of that connection – good, damaged, or otherwise – powerfully impacts dads and daughters in a multiple of ways.  A father’s effect on his daughter’s psychological well-being and identity is far-reaching. A daughter’s sense of self, for instance, is often connected to how her father views her. A girl stands a better chance of becoming a self-confident woman if she has a close bond with her father.

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls, in part due to a tendency they have to crave emotional closeness more than boys do. She may feel that if her family is broken, she is broken. Due to a delayed reaction to divorce or a “Sleeper Effect,” a girl might go undercover, and develop an increased sensitivity to loss that may go unnoticed.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce?  Dr. Linda Nielson, a nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, posits that that while most daughters of divorce are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl may grow into adulthood with low self-esteem and trust issues.

Dr. Nielson found that girls tend to spend more time with their mothers (and less time with their dad) after their parents’ divorce. In her extensive research, Dr. Nielson found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of joint custody after the family splits.

My research for Daughters of Divorce spanned over three years and was comprised of 326 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriageconcluded that lack of access to both parents and high conflict between them contributed to low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes. Most of the young women that I interviewed expressed a strong desire to improve their communication with their fathers yet lacked the tools to be able to pull this off.

Certainly a strong father-daughter connection is a challenge when it comes to post-divorce relationships. In a recent episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass Bishop T.D. Jakes concludes “It’s not a lack of love that stops an estranged father from reconnecting with his child – it’s the fear of rejection.” Bishop Jakes recommends that every father needs to “court” his child and discover his or her world in order to reconnect.

In his recent book Always Dad, Paul Mandelstein, advises divorced dads to find ways to play a crucial role in their daughter’s life. He suggests that divorced parents call a truce with their ex-spouse – to put an end to active fighting and to collaborate. The father-daughter connection, even several years after a family dissolves, is heavily influenced by consistency in contact and the quality of the relationship.

Daughters who have a strong relationship with their father are more likely to be self-confident and mature – possessing a purpose in their lives. A daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how she should be treated by a man. But Dads often lose touch with their daughters after a family splits up and they don’t always know how to reconnect. I know firsthand about this loss because I experienced it with my own father and fortunately was able to heal the rupture in our relationship.

Why is the father-daughter bond so vulnerable to disruption after divorce?

• Girls tend to spend more time with their moms after divorce (and less time with their dads).
• During early adolescence, a girl tends to feel distant from her dad and she may resent her stepmom or his girlfriend. Meanwhile, she may tend to have an intense, complicated relationship with her mom (confidant, too close, lots of conflict and love).
• Mothers and stepmoms don’t always understand the importance of the father-daughter bond so they may not encourage it.
• Dads don’t always know how to connect with their daughters around activities that are mutually satisfying so they start spending less time together.
• If the father-daughter bond is severely damaged it can cause daughters to have trust and intimacy issues in adult relationships. It may push them to pick romantic partners who are all wrong for them because they set low standards.

The truth is that girls go through many changes during adolescence and at this pivotal time, they may become more distant from their dads. There is also more tension between mothers and daughters – even in intact families.  Divorce often intensifies issues between family members. The good news is that it’s not too late for fathers and daughters to connect.

10 Tips for fathers with daughters of all ages:

• Express loving feelings: Hugs, praise, and suggesting activities are ways to do this.
• Connect through notes: Texts, emails, or a postcard or letter if you are away.
• Idle chats: Ask her questions or exchange small talk while you are driving in the car,  helping her with homework, cooking, or a doing a project together (puzzle, decorate her room).
• Special dates: For younger daughters, a visit to the zoo or the park are possible ways to connect and relax together. Throw in a picnic or ice cream cone too! For teenage or young adult daughters: Take her to lunch, the gym, or a wonderful movie – ask her for ideas!
• Include her in vacation plans: Ask her where she wants to go (with limits).
• Find ways to help her to build self-esteem such as encouraging her to develop interests and recognizing her strengths. It’s okay for her to abandon these interests when she decides to check new ones out. Try to be accepting of her need for independence as she reaches adolescence. She still needs your approval but requires a little space to explore and grow.
• Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible – especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.
• Be sure not to bad-mouth her mother – even if she complains about her. For instance, mothers and daughters can experience more tension during adolescence and you can serve as a buffer. Keep in mind that her mother is still her model and so saying negative things about your ex-spouse will hurt your daughter and may spark a negative reaction.
• Attempt to help her repair any father-daughter wounds. If your relationship has been damaged and she doesn’t want to connect, you may want to seek professional help from a divorce coach or therapist.
• Be patient and persistent in showing your daughter you want to spend time with her. It’s never too late to develop a stronger father-daughter bond or to reconnect while you’re still alive! Don’t let your fear of rejection of the past prevent you from enjoying a positive bond with your daughter.

10 Tips for daughters of all ages:  

• Be honest about your relationship with your father and any wounds that exist.
• Let go of self-blame and forgive yourself (for whatever you told yourself) and your dad.
• Give up the dream of a perfect connection with your father.
• Look at ways you may have accepted relationships that were not healthy for you to fill the void your dad left (dating unavailable men or ones who are all wrong for you).
• Examine your relationship with your dad and attempt to reconnect if there have been any wounds. He may be able to help you be your best self.
• Be patient and have realistic expectations.  After all, it may take time to reconnect if your relationship is damaged or distant.
• Invest your time in something that interests your dad – such as attending a sporting or work event with him if you have the opportunity.
• Express your needs clearly and calmly. This could be verbally, a letter, or release (“I release you from not being more active in my life, even if I don’t know why or it hurts”). You may decide not to share your letter with your father, but this step can still be therapeutic.
• Accept that people usually do the best they can and attempt to be more understanding of your father and his situation.
• You may want to seek professional help to deal with your wound with your father if your relationship doesn’t seem to be improving.

If fathers can remain an integral part of their daughter’s life after divorce, a loving bond will help them get through rough patches in life. Dr. Peggy Drexler, author of Our Fathers, Ourselves writes, “Likewise, even the most troubled, overwrought , baggage-laden relationship is not without hope – if not of reconciliation, then at least of the daughter finding a new way of seeing her father that might help her to make sense of the forces that shaped him and his actions.” In most cases, It’s not too last to connect with your father or your daughter, even if you haven’t done so in some time.  

The information contained in this blog also applies to many father-daughter relationships when the parents are unwed. All daughters benefit from a close bond with their father. It is never too late to heal fractured relationships and for love and forgiveness. Fathers can be an integral part of their daughters lives even if they live apart or have had limited contact in the past.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/11/fathers-and-daughters-an-essential-bond-after-divorce/

Successful Parenting After Separation By: Jonathan Brown

Separation is a challenging time for many parents because it is an adjustment to a new way of life. There are both positive and negative factors to separation and the corresponding changes, but one of the issues that can arise is the differences that parents may have in the ways that they parent the children. The key point or focus that parents need to address is that they must put the best interests of the children first, and that their role is to continue to be the best possible parents to their children, even though they no longer live in the same home.

In order to put the interests of the children first parents that are separated need to consider the following issues, and determine how they can accomplish the goal of putting their kids first and provide love, safety and security for their children.

Communication

Maintaining the lines of communication is critical to continue successfully parenting the children. Many incorrect assumptions are made that the other parent is aware of scheduling changes, school events, outings or other issues affecting the child. Often parents expect children to be the messengers between them, and this is a very difficult and emotionally harmful role for you child to have to play. Parents should discuss and determine a method that will allow them to continue to communicate about the children and to work together to make decisions in the best interests of the kids. This communication may be done by fax, email, voicemail, phone calls or
face-to-face meetings, depending on the level of comfort or conflict.

Flexibility

No matter how carefully you plan or schedule your life there are always things that come up out of your control. As parents it is important to realize that this can happen for you, your ex-spouse and your children. Try to be as flexible as possible and allow the other parent and the children to have time together whenever possible.

Joint decision making

If you are able to communicate as coparents it is important to keep in mind that joint decision-making is usually in the best interests of the children. For difficult or major decisions it is helpful to get the other parent's input and opinion to prevent further conflict down the line. Most parents want to be a part of their children's lives even if they don't live in the same home as the children, and using a joint decision making process helps them stay connected to the children and helps to provide a sense of security for the children.

Stay positive about the other parent

It is important to allow the children to have the most positive relationship that they possibly can with both of their parents. The more positive, respectful and civil that Mom and Dad can stay with each other the more comfortable, secure and stable the children will view their new lives. Children need to understand that separated parents are still Mom and Dad, and will still continue to be a part of their lives, even thought they live in different homes or even in different communities.

Keep explanations to children as simple as possible, and avoid any negative comments about the other parent. As separated parents stay flexible, communicate openly about the children and allow maximum contact between your children and the other parent

http://www.articlegeek.com/home/parenting_articles/parenting-after-separation.htm

The Difficulties Of Life After An Amicable Divorce by Toby Hazlewood

I feel the need to start with a grateful acknowledgement for the circumstances and many blessings of my post-divorce life. For 12 or so years since parting from my first wife, mother of my two daughters I’ve had it pretty easy.

With a mutual commitment to giving our girls the best upbringing possible in spite of our relationship with each other falling apart, we’ve co-parented them equally for nearly 11 years. We’ve had some disagreements over that time; we are a divorced couple after all. Fundamentally though, we’re amicable, fair and respectful towards each other.

From the days when the wounds of parting were raw, through to both being happily remarried, we’ve been resolutely committed to giving our daughters a happy and loving childhood. We’ve weathered the phases of childhood and dealt with the hormonal outbursts of puberty. Through it all, we’ve done the best we could to raise them jointly, apart. We now have an arrangement known as bird-nesting where the girls remain in one home and their mum and I come and go as live-in parent of the week.

When I contrast this to the lives of other divorced and separated families, I realise I have it easy. I’ve observed the mothers who withhold custody from the father, driven by retribution and anger. I’ve witnessed the fathers whose apathy and disinterest in their kids is dwarfed only by their own self-serving pride. Most upsetting, I’ve seen the effects on kids who exist in-between two warring parents. They’re forced to grapple with the ludicrous behaviour of their supposed role-models, wearing bravely-stoic faces and appeasing their parents’ consciences by pretending it’s all okay.

It’s angering, baffling and saddening.

All that said, it feels self-indulgent to even contemplate the difficulties presented by living out my own amicable divorce but I’m going to share these anyway. We all face challenges, it’s just that mine are different from others’.

I spend most of my life apart from someone that I love – If it’s my week with the girls, I’m apart from my wife and step-kids. If I’m with my wife, I’m generally apart from my daughters. Wherever I am, I try and immerse myself fully in that role and place, but it’s hard to always be apart from a subset of those you love.

Maybe the separated life that I’ve lived for so long will better prepare me for when the kids leave home? I doubt it somehow. Even before I had a new relationship, when my weeks with the girls were punctuated by weeks on my own, I’d be yearning to see them again by the end of my free week. These days, the yearning to see them is compounded by impending absence from my wife.

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It attracts criticism from those who don’t understand the setup – For as long as I can remember, there have been critics of our arrangement. When the girls were young (we first started co-parenting when the youngest was three) there were those who’d state that toddlers needed their mother more than their father. Throughout post-divorce life there have been those who say my ex and I are selfishly pursuing our own lives at the expense of stability and happiness of our kids. We have well-practiced responses to these and many other accusations but it matters little.

Like anything unusual, there will be those who are vocal in their criticism and strident in their opinion. I stand by my choices but like any parent I’m just doing my best and it undermines confidence when others freely express judgment when we’re just trying to make the best of our situation.

I still tackle many of the challenges of parenting alone, that a non-separated couple would face together – Our new partners are both active and supportive regarding the kids. In spite of this, my ex and I still have to handle many of the challenges of parenting alone, by virtue of our custody arrangement. For the majority of the girls’ lives, they’ve existed in a home with just one parent and their sibling, even since we each remarried. We’ve both called upon support with parental challenges at times, often from each other. Generally though, we’re each isolated as single parents dealing with the day-to-day whims of two teenage girls.

This is of course the reality for most separated families, but it’s one area of life that hasn’t eased significantly in spite of each of us remarrying. We each remain largely isolated when we’re parent of the week.

We’re heavily reliant on the goodwill and acceptance of our new partners – Part of my online dating profile when I was single explained the intricacies of my parenting life. It specified that this would need to be accepted as part of me and my life. My ex has similarly always been up front over the commitment she has to our kids. That this was stated up-front doesn’t make it easy for our new partners to accept spending upwards of 50% of their time away from us at the expense of the kids.

The close proximity of our lives in our current ‘bird-nesting’ arrangement has also placed a burden upon our new partners adapting to and accepting this unusually close relationship between me and my ex. It’s testament to them that they’re supportive and understanding.

Taken as a whole, I embrace the ‘challenges’ of my life over many of those faced by divorced parents. I feel lucky, but also proud to have created a child-centric means of raising my kids after divorce.

The feelings of gratitude are occasionally tempered by the hardships I face, particularly on a ‘changeover Monday’. When I’ve just kissed my wife goodbye for another week, as I head to the kids’ home to live in as parent of the week I often feel sad. I’m excited to see the kids of course, but the emotions accompanying the changeover never seem to ease, no matter which direction I’m moving.

I don’t expect they ever will.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-difficulties-of-life-after-an-amicable-divorce_uk_5afaa537e4b0b61057a3bc47?utm_hp_ref=uk-dating-and-relationships

Seven Long-Term Lessons From Parenting After Divorce by Toby Hazlewood

I divorced in 2006 at the age of 30, with two kids then aged 3 and 7. My overriding feelings were of fear and uncertainty, and as I considered my future, I could only contemplate the loss of things I’d previously taken for granted, most worryingly my role as a parent.

The divorce was amicable but there were still differences to resolve. Around 18 months after first parting we’d moved on sufficiently such that we could consider co-parenting (where each parent fulfils an equal or near-equal part of the parenting role). We discussed, then established an arrangement where our daughters would live with each of us on alternate weeks and move between our new homes on the Monday of each week. That was in 2007. The arrangement has evolved over time but remains in place today.

As our eldest heads off to university this September and with both my ex and I having since remarried other people, now seems an appropriate time for a bit of reflection. We’ve all grown significantly in our lives following divorce, we’ve learned a lot and enjoyed many highs and just as many lows as any family separated or otherwise would face.

Co-parenting is by no means the norm in divorced families but in our case we both remained committed to raising the girls and playing an active part in their childhood; our relationship as husband and wife was over but our parenting role will last for all time. Co-parenting presented a means of preserving this involvement in the kids’ lives, but also a good way of allowing each of us to move forwards individually too.

For the last year we’ve co-parented them from a single home in an arrangement known as ‘Nesting’; the kids live full-time in an apartment and their mum and I come and go for alternate weeks using a third bedroom equipped as a hotel room, living-in as resident parent of the week.

It’s unconventional but it seems to suit the girls well and both our new partners seem to accept it as part of delivering on our parenting commitments.

I wanted to share some of the lessons that I’ve learned in 10+ years since divorce. I hope that many of these will apply whether co-parenting is feasible after divorce or not, and at whatever stage a separated family is at, post-split.

1) Kids are extremely resilient and adaptable to change. Kids are remarkably hardy, and way more perceptive than we give them credit for. This isn’t a license to chop and change things whenever it suits you, nor should you underestimate the importance of structure and routine in their lives. Divorced parents are often fearful for the long-term effects on the confidence, contentedness and accomplishments of their kids. In my experience however, kids always adapt, bounce-back and even thrive in life provided that you keep their interests at the forefront of your mind.

2) You cannot make kids adapt any quicker than they naturally want to. They’re adaptable to change but it’s pointless to try and force them to adapt any quicker than they naturally will. Creating an amazing bedroom for them in your new home, taking them on exciting holidays or packing weekends with entertainment and treats won’t help them adapt to separated family life any quicker, although you may prompt resentment in your ex! Just like adults, kids take time to work through things and accept their new reality. Even though our co-parenting setup was infinitely better for all involved, it still took them time to settle into it. The same has been true as I’ve remarried and brought two step-siblings into their lives and their mum has remarried too. In each change in life after divorce, expect a period of adaptation that will take as long as it takes.

3) Being a single parent (even if you find a new partner at some stage) demands many additional roles of you. You must embrace this rather than just survive it. Even with regular and ongoing input from both me and their mum, I’ve been required to fill a fair share of the roles that mum would fill in a non-separated family. I doubt any dad feels instantly equipped to shop for tights, sanitary products or training bras, but I’ve learned and dealt with it. Such experiences have encouraged a closer relationship with more open communication between us than I might have enjoyed if not divorced. I’m grateful for that.

4) Always talk respectfully of your ex and don’t make your kids a go-between. In the aftermath of divorce when communications are strained, it can be tempting to pass messages via the kids. This simply isn’t fair, nor is it their role. As they get older, they become more aware of what it means for you to be talking disrespectfully of your ex. They may also relay things you say to the other parent if they think it will further their own agenda. At all times it’s far preferable to speak respectfully to and of the ex, if only for the benefit of your kids.

5) Your kids just want you to be happy. They will likely recognise that if you’re happy in yourself, it makes you a happy and effective parent to them. They love you and as they get older will likely encourage you to pursue your own happiness too, even if it results in the unconventional scenario where they’re offering you dating advice!

6) Protecting the sanctity of your separated family structure is key. If and when you enter into a new relationship, it’s essential that you protect your parenting arrangement from outside comment and influence. Too often I see established separated families crumbling when a new partner comes onto the scene and takes issue with the kids and/or the close contact that the divorced parents have with each other. A jealous new partner can disrupt your ongoing contact and damage the setup irrevocably which is not in anybody’s best interests (besides perhaps their own). It happened to me in a failed relationship between my marriages and I’m lucky there was no lasting damage in the relationship with my kids.

7) Just when you think you’ve got it all on an even keel, something else will change. Just like when a kid starts sleeping through, teething ends, and the terrible-twos become a distant memory, as one period of challenge ends, so a new one will begin. Teenage hormones will rage, manipulations and tantrums will become complex, calculated and sophisticated. Life moves forwards, you move on, your kids become their own people. Don’t resist it; embrace that fact. Things change!

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As I reflect on life since divorce, I’m proud of how far we’ve come. My fears at the outset were seemingly unfounded and I believe my kids have come through it unharmed. They’re both well-adjusted, popular, confident, academically accomplished and balanced young women (and I realise I’m biased as their dad!)

Each time I think I’ve got it figured out, something else comes up to prove me wrong for getting complacent. This is a common thread of parenting though, whether after divorce or not.

We are all going through a process of change and evolution in life. It’s what makes us who we are, it prompts us to grow, develop and strive for the things we strive for.

As I remind myself often, the role of parenting and raising your kids never really ends anyway; divorced or not, we’re all in it for the long-haul!

Toby

You can access further tools, services, support and insight intended to help those currently managing the challenges of divorce and separation via Facebook.com/divorcedlifestyledesigner or divorcedlifestyledesign.comhttps://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/7-long-term-lessons-from-parenting-after-divorce_uk_5aa76b55e4b0e37f40418a56?utm_hp_ref=uk-children-of-divorce