#AskMel: Should I stay in this relationship? | Mel Robbins

5 Signs that Tell You When It’s Time to Leave a Relationship. By Ash Osborne

Relationships can be tricky. They’re amazing when they’re going well but if something happens, or you’re on a rocky road, they can be painful. If you’ve been with someone a long time, you can start to get stuck in a routine. You might not necessarily notice the behaviour of your other half because it’s become the norm to you. Taking a step back and looking at your relationship from a different viewpoint can be really beneficial and help you to gain perspective on a scenario.

There is no ‘perfect’ relationship. Even the happiest of couples can have arguments, disagreements and temporary breakups. That’s life. But there is a time when you have to look at your relationship without rose-tinted glasses and see if those small arguments are actually escalating into massive rows. Sometimes, you have to leave a relationship and put yourself first to be happy. So, Psych2Go shares 5 signs that tell you when it’s time to leave a relationship.

1) You’re consistently unhappy.

Any relationship, be it friends, family or romantic, should bring you happiness. You should look forward to seeing your partner, and enjoy spending time with them. Obviously, you can’t be constantly happy in a relationship because that’s not realistic. But you should feel supported, safe and loved. If you start to feel consistently unhappy, maybe it‘s time to ask yourself why. Maybe it’s you, or it may be your partner. It‘s good to understand why you’re feeling unhappy so you can either fix the problem or choose to leave. There is no shame to admit that your relationship is not offering you the same support and contentment that it once was.

2) You’re travelling on different paths.

Sometimes, you can start a relationship in one place. But as you grow, you can change mindsets. Long-term relationships can be amazing as you can grow and change with your partner, but sometimes you can grow and change at a different rate to your partner. If you’re moving in different directions to your partner, it can be difficult to navigate a relationship. Also, if you’re in a different place emotionally, you might not want the same things. In this case, it’s best for both of you to separate amicably. It’s a good thing to discuss what each of you wants from a relationship if you’re going to be serious about a partner.

3) Lack of support

In a relationship, support is key. You want to feel that your partner believes in what you’re doing and is behind you 100%. But if that support isn’t there, you can start to feel let down and unfulfilled. Emotional support is also really important. If you’re not feeling that in your relationship, it can be damaging and can affect your happiness. If you don’t feel like your partner is invested in you and is behind you all the way, then it might be time to consider having a conversation about your relationship with your partner.

4) Abuse of any sort

By this, I mean emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and so on. If your partner has abused you in any way, then that is a clear sign you should, at least, consider leaving. Abuse is very damaging, and the abuser can often try and convince you to stay in the relationship. If this is the case, you should leave for your own safety. It can be very difficult to leave a relationship like that, but there are hotlines available to contact should you need to. Here is the link to a document with the number of any hotlines should you feel you need to use them. Remember, you’re not alone in this.

5) Lack of trust

The foundation of all relationships should be trust. The trust between you and your partner should be strong. If it isn’t, that could mean you doubt their actions. As a result, this could possibly lead to jealousy. If you don’t trust your partner, you could work on it and try to rebuild it. Losing trust is often a sign that something is wrong within your relationship, and you’ll need to address it. However, if you’re past the rebuilding phase (maybe your partner betrayed your trust too many times), ending the relationship could be a possibility. There is no shame admitting you can’t be with someone you don’t fully trust. It’s all about what makes you happy.

https://psych2go.net/5-signs-that-tell-you-when-its-time-to-leave-a-relationship/

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Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Your Divorce. BY CHARLOTTE ANDERSEN

Ending an unhappy marriage doesn't make you damaged goods — it means you're smart and strong enough to make a better life for yourself.

When Ellen Myers finalized her divorce in 2013 she felt an overwhelming sense of freedom — and a deep sense of shame. "It was a weird time," she recalls. "On one hand I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but at the same time, I didn't want anyone to know."

The Colorado mom had married young, at just 18, and had children right away. Like many divorced people, she felt embarrassed that she hadn't been able to make her marriage last. She became convinced her friends and family were all silently thinking, I told you this would never work. But worse were the slights she dealt with in public — glances at her empty ring finger, a lack of invitations from former friends, and, most troublingly, a pointed remark from a clergy member at her church, who read Myers discouraging stats about children of divorce, then suggested she continue to endure her abusive situation for her kids' sake. She even faced rejection from a potential landlord after disclosing that she was a single mother who relied on child support for income.

"He told me he never rented to single moms because the 'deadbeat dads' didn't pay up and he 'didn't need that kind of drama'," Myers recalls. "It was awful. Even though I knew, deep down, I'd made the best choice for me and my children, it was hard not to feel like I'd failed."

Myers isn't the only woman who has struggled with feelings of shame about her split. Despite the ubiquity of divorce — just over half of marriages will make it to the 20-year mark, according to the most recent data from the National Survey of Family Growth — there is still a lingering stigma that many people, especially women, face, says Anita C. Savage, a divorce and family law attorney at GoransonBain.

"I;ve seen countless clients who feel stigmatized by their divorce. In fact, despite my profession, I was one of them," she admits. "I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell my friends and family that I could not make my marriage work."

And while it's perfectly normal to feel that way, Savage says, shame should never enter into the picture. Getting divorced doesn't mean you're "dumb" or "damaged goods."

"Even 'good' people face divorce, by choice or because of their spouse's decision, but the divorce itself does not reflect who that person is or what that person stands for," she says. "For a variety of innocuous reasons and despite their best attempts, two emotionally healthy and functioning people sometimes cannot make their marriage work."

Not only is divorce not a commentary on your personal worth, it can actually show the world just how strong you are, says Nanda Davis, Esq., a specialist in divorce and family law and president of the Roanoke chapter of the Virginia Women Attorney's Association. "Divorcing a spouse takes a lot of courage," she says. It involves being honest and publicly open about very painful personal topics and standing up for your and your children's needs — all tough things to do, she adds.

Divorce is ultimately about getting a fresh start, and wanting a better life is nothing to be ashamed of, says Kathryn Smerling, Ph.D., a family therapist and divorce expert. "Some people still think that you should stay married just for the sake of it, even if you're unhappy. But why would you do that?" she asks.

On an intellectual level, these messages seem easy enough to grasp. So why do so many people still feel like Myers? Although social stigma is certainly still a factor (case in point: Myers's pastor), it's fading from what it was several generations ago. (A Gallup poll conducted earlier this year determined that 73 percent of American adults believe divorce is "morally acceptable," compared to 59 percent in 2001.)

According to Savage, it's because divorced women often end up blaming themselves for the end of their marriages. "The good will we're willing to give to others experiencing a divorce is something we haven't provided to ourselves," she explains. "We believe that our failed marriage means we have failed as a human being, as a partner, and as a parent who wanted to provide their child with an example of what a long and successful marriage looks like."

They key to overcoming these painful feelings is to give yourself a break, she says. Tune out negative self-talk by surrounding yourself with supportive people, whether that's family, friends, a church group, or even a divorce recovery group where you can talk it out. There's great relief in discussing your questions and concerns with people who have been there too — plus it helps others overcome their own sense of shame and embarrassment, Savage says.

If you're really struggling to shake negative feelings after a divorce, Smerling recommends connecting with a therapist. "Unresolved feelings of shame and guilt can lead to depression and feelings of paralysis," she says. "So if you're feeling that way, it's important to go seek professional help."

For Myers, time has been the most important part of her healing process. Nearly four years after her divorce, "I'm able to look back now and see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time," she says. "Now my life is so much better, both for me and my kids, and I've discovered I'm stronger than I ever knew — and that's something I'm immensely proud of."

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/a59810/coping-with-divorce/

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