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Fathers and Daughters: An Essential Bond After Divorce. By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

The relationship a daughter has with her father is one that has a profound impact on her life. The breakup of a family often changes the dynamic of the father-daughter relationship and it can be a challenge to stay connected. Research has shown that fathers play an important role in the lives of their daughters but that this relationship is the one that changes the most after divorce.

There’s no denying that a woman’s relationship with her father is one of the most crucial in her life. The quality of that connection – good, damaged, or otherwise – powerfully impacts dads and daughters in a multiple of ways.  A father’s effect on his daughter’s psychological well-being and identity is far-reaching. A daughter’s sense of self, for instance, is often connected to how her father views her. A girl stands a better chance of becoming a self-confident woman if she has a close bond with her father.

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls, in part due to a tendency they have to crave emotional closeness more than boys do. She may feel that if her family is broken, she is broken. Due to a delayed reaction to divorce or a “Sleeper Effect,” a girl might go undercover, and develop an increased sensitivity to loss that may go unnoticed.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce?  Dr. Linda Nielson, a nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, posits that that while most daughters of divorce are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl may grow into adulthood with low self-esteem and trust issues.

Dr. Nielson found that girls tend to spend more time with their mothers (and less time with their dad) after their parents’ divorce. In her extensive research, Dr. Nielson found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of joint custody after the family splits.

My research for Daughters of Divorce spanned over three years and was comprised of 326 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriageconcluded that lack of access to both parents and high conflict between them contributed to low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes. Most of the young women that I interviewed expressed a strong desire to improve their communication with their fathers yet lacked the tools to be able to pull this off.

Certainly a strong father-daughter connection is a challenge when it comes to post-divorce relationships. In a recent episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass Bishop T.D. Jakes concludes “It’s not a lack of love that stops an estranged father from reconnecting with his child – it’s the fear of rejection.” Bishop Jakes recommends that every father needs to “court” his child and discover his or her world in order to reconnect.

In his recent book Always Dad, Paul Mandelstein, advises divorced dads to find ways to play a crucial role in their daughter’s life. He suggests that divorced parents call a truce with their ex-spouse – to put an end to active fighting and to collaborate. The father-daughter connection, even several years after a family dissolves, is heavily influenced by consistency in contact and the quality of the relationship.

Daughters who have a strong relationship with their father are more likely to be self-confident and mature – possessing a purpose in their lives. A daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how she should be treated by a man. But Dads often lose touch with their daughters after a family splits up and they don’t always know how to reconnect. I know firsthand about this loss because I experienced it with my own father and fortunately was able to heal the rupture in our relationship.

Why is the father-daughter bond so vulnerable to disruption after divorce?

• Girls tend to spend more time with their moms after divorce (and less time with their dads).
• During early adolescence, a girl tends to feel distant from her dad and she may resent her stepmom or his girlfriend. Meanwhile, she may tend to have an intense, complicated relationship with her mom (confidant, too close, lots of conflict and love).
• Mothers and stepmoms don’t always understand the importance of the father-daughter bond so they may not encourage it.
• Dads don’t always know how to connect with their daughters around activities that are mutually satisfying so they start spending less time together.
• If the father-daughter bond is severely damaged it can cause daughters to have trust and intimacy issues in adult relationships. It may push them to pick romantic partners who are all wrong for them because they set low standards.

The truth is that girls go through many changes during adolescence and at this pivotal time, they may become more distant from their dads. There is also more tension between mothers and daughters – even in intact families.  Divorce often intensifies issues between family members. The good news is that it’s not too late for fathers and daughters to connect.

10 Tips for fathers with daughters of all ages:

• Express loving feelings: Hugs, praise, and suggesting activities are ways to do this.
• Connect through notes: Texts, emails, or a postcard or letter if you are away.
• Idle chats: Ask her questions or exchange small talk while you are driving in the car,  helping her with homework, cooking, or a doing a project together (puzzle, decorate her room).
• Special dates: For younger daughters, a visit to the zoo or the park are possible ways to connect and relax together. Throw in a picnic or ice cream cone too! For teenage or young adult daughters: Take her to lunch, the gym, or a wonderful movie – ask her for ideas!
• Include her in vacation plans: Ask her where she wants to go (with limits).
• Find ways to help her to build self-esteem such as encouraging her to develop interests and recognizing her strengths. It’s okay for her to abandon these interests when she decides to check new ones out. Try to be accepting of her need for independence as she reaches adolescence. She still needs your approval but requires a little space to explore and grow.
• Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible – especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.
• Be sure not to bad-mouth her mother – even if she complains about her. For instance, mothers and daughters can experience more tension during adolescence and you can serve as a buffer. Keep in mind that her mother is still her model and so saying negative things about your ex-spouse will hurt your daughter and may spark a negative reaction.
• Attempt to help her repair any father-daughter wounds. If your relationship has been damaged and she doesn’t want to connect, you may want to seek professional help from a divorce coach or therapist.
• Be patient and persistent in showing your daughter you want to spend time with her. It’s never too late to develop a stronger father-daughter bond or to reconnect while you’re still alive! Don’t let your fear of rejection of the past prevent you from enjoying a positive bond with your daughter.

10 Tips for daughters of all ages:  

• Be honest about your relationship with your father and any wounds that exist.
• Let go of self-blame and forgive yourself (for whatever you told yourself) and your dad.
• Give up the dream of a perfect connection with your father.
• Look at ways you may have accepted relationships that were not healthy for you to fill the void your dad left (dating unavailable men or ones who are all wrong for you).
• Examine your relationship with your dad and attempt to reconnect if there have been any wounds. He may be able to help you be your best self.
• Be patient and have realistic expectations.  After all, it may take time to reconnect if your relationship is damaged or distant.
• Invest your time in something that interests your dad – such as attending a sporting or work event with him if you have the opportunity.
• Express your needs clearly and calmly. This could be verbally, a letter, or release (“I release you from not being more active in my life, even if I don’t know why or it hurts”). You may decide not to share your letter with your father, but this step can still be therapeutic.
• Accept that people usually do the best they can and attempt to be more understanding of your father and his situation.
• You may want to seek professional help to deal with your wound with your father if your relationship doesn’t seem to be improving.

If fathers can remain an integral part of their daughter’s life after divorce, a loving bond will help them get through rough patches in life. Dr. Peggy Drexler, author of Our Fathers, Ourselves writes, “Likewise, even the most troubled, overwrought , baggage-laden relationship is not without hope – if not of reconciliation, then at least of the daughter finding a new way of seeing her father that might help her to make sense of the forces that shaped him and his actions.” In most cases, It’s not too last to connect with your father or your daughter, even if you haven’t done so in some time.  

The information contained in this blog also applies to many father-daughter relationships when the parents are unwed. All daughters benefit from a close bond with their father. It is never too late to heal fractured relationships and for love and forgiveness. Fathers can be an integral part of their daughters lives even if they live apart or have had limited contact in the past.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/11/fathers-and-daughters-an-essential-bond-after-divorce/

6 Ways to Take Care of Yourself After Divorce

You have to take care of yourself after divorce to make the transition from married to single successfully.

By Kavita Verma 

Divorce usually comes with a package of responsibilities. You have to move on emotionally, restart your life, relocate physically, and change your routines – all at once. This is a lot to handle, especially when you are filled with an ocean of emotions because of your divorce. You have to take care of yourself after divorce to make the transition from married to single successfully.

During and after divorce, some people drop back into a relationship with their ex – even if it’s only physical for one of the parties. Really people? You had all the problems in this world with your partner, and now you’re going back for more? Stop! Don’t do it! No matter how much you miss your spouse, your divorce attorney has finally received your signature on the divorce papers, and you can’t turn back the clock to a time when you were happy together.

People have different ways to cope, but whatever your coping strategy is, you must take care of yourself after divorce so you can heal and move on.

Here are 6 ideas to help you take care of yourself after divorce.

1. Don’t dwell for too long

It is, of course, difficult to come out of the past and live in the future after the relationship ends. But lingering over all those things for a length of time is not good at all. It will harm your inner peace more than any other thing. Once the situation is beyond your control, there is no need to waste your precious time thinking about what went wrong.

Talk about it to the people who you think can be of help. This is the way you will get rid of the things that are likely to pollute your inner self otherwise.

2. Realize your worth

When in a crisis, people often drag themselves down. This is not the way out of it. You do have a flaw or maybe more than one, but so has everyone. Even an embroidered cloth has a mess of threads on one of its sides, but that does not make it bad. Introspect. That way, you will come to know your uniqueness in this world.

You now have all the energy of this world, and this is the right time to start something creative, something useful. Do not let the negativities paralyze your mind. If you invest your potential in the right place and thing, chances are, you might bring a change to the society.

3. Manage your finance

Once you are all on your own, the expenditure of money has to be properly planned. If you have a child with you, make sure you save enough to have a secure future. Do not spend on all the things you like. Doing so would put you in financial distress, coming out of which is quite difficult. Seeking the help of a financial advisor here can be a better option, especially when having no idea about the same.

4. Just Let it go

If your head is filled with ‘what ifs,’ ask yourself whether you’re making anything better, or deteriorating yourself? Doing it for some time is natural, but taking it to another level is never going to help you. There is always life beyond any problem. Your, and someone else’s, mistakes help you prepare for the up and coming chapters of your life.

5. Social Media is not the solution

If you think you need to vent out your feelings, don’t ever do this on social media. It spreads much faster than a forest fire does. Instead of posting about it on social media, call a friend, or reach out to your parents. They will be the ones who are going to be your life jacket in a scenario like that.

Do not get into the stalking. This is of no help. Instead, it is hard to come out of this rabbit hole, once you have put yourself into it. Your ex knows you’re not okay, so stop posting the “Look how happy I am!” pictures. It is not going to help you in any way.

6. Forgiveness is necessary

It is tough to forgive someone for their betrayals or other misdeeds – but can be even more difficult to forgive yourself. If the divorce has happened, there was a reason for it. Even if your spouse was unfaithful, or asked for a divorce out of the blue, you played a part in the divorce: even if that was only to be willfully blind to what was staring you in the face, or to enable their bad behavior.  Forgive your ex, and forgive yourself. To do this, take a look back at your relationship without those rose-colored glasses, and figure out what part each of you played in the breakdown of your marriage. Your failures don’t make you a bad person, and the path to peace is forgiveness.

Although you might be in great distress because of your divorce, if you forgive and move on, things will eventually settle down. You will be happy again! Divorce is not fun, but you will definitely get through it. Accept the reality, take care of yourself after divorce, and start living your new post-divorce life now.

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Kavita Verma has been motivating people with her writing for more than five years now. Her educational background in the field of psychology has helped her better understand the emotional issues of the people. In her career as a psychologist, she has helped tons of people in coming out of the mental trauma.https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-after-divorce/

How to Start a New Life after Divorce - Starting Over

How to Stop Crying After Divorce by Steve Gerente

Ending a relationship is difficult, particularly if you have promised to be with each other forever, but separation can sometimes be a blessing. It's okay to shed tears for sometime, but you have to put yourself back in sync and move on. 

Divorce is not the last part of your life, it's just the end of a relationship. While, that would seem so casual, but you may have other stuff that you need to concentrate on, rather than your marriage. If you have kids, this would be a great time to begin focusing on them more. 

Go to the movies, visit the mall, just make yourself occupied with your offspring in order that you will be able to concentrate on something worth your time. Hundreds of folks have passed through divorce, therefore you are not the only one. 

Why should you cry anyway? It's not your fault that it didn't work, you two most likely were just at two dissimilar places in life. It's not because of you personally. There are a lot of things that you have to concentrate on that you may become overwhelmed. However, that's okay, it's a natural reaction. But instead of going in a depression, you must to focus on what's happening. You need to start the process.

The initial process to separating possibly will be therapy. You might need to be off on your own or you can go with your mate. Although it may seem very late for counseling, it will aid you two to be terrific parents. If you will be able to pass though all the issues, all the anger, and you can realize each other's emotions, it follows that you can retain a fantastic relationship after the marriage. 

You may want to go on your own at first. In this way you can get all of your emotions out and you can let go some of the anger and some of the hurt. Counseling is a wonderful beginning because you can find yourself once more after that you can discover things that will aid you to move on. 

There are a lot of questions that you may feel unanswered. Discern that, this was an act of destiny. It may possibly be the result of his actions, your actions, or both. Therefore, do not consider yourself as the problem. Fate was the problem. There are certain facets of the universe that pull people as one and then away from each other, much like a magnet.

If you think about it in terms of fate, you will discover strength, and you will as well attain the courage to keep going. This is just a section in the numerous books of your life. Don't be bothered because there shall be love following divorce and there will be other thrilling chapters of your life yet to be read, therefore it's okay to let go. You by no means be aware of what you may find after this whole thing blows over. 

It possibly will take weeks or months to draw closer to the fact, but you take as much time as you have to. To finish the tears, to end the hurt, you need to find other stuff that will make you in high spirits then just perform it. If you get comfort in associates, be there with them as much as probable. If you have offspring, it goes the same. If you would actually like to stop the crying, you will get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed up, and go to banquet, with friends, or family, or even by yourself. Getting up and looking like a hundred bucks will begin the process of letting go

Whenever you feel lonely or blue, reach out to someone that you love and support you and talk. Talking will help everything. Share your feelings, and whatever you do, do not separate yourself. You should be with people who love you during this moment of need.

http://www.a1articles.com/how-to-stop-crying-after-divorce-2424958.html

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8 Ways Dads Can Empower Their Daughters Post-Divorce

June 6, 2016 by Terry Gaspard 3 Comments

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‘Daughters of Divorce’ author Terry Gaspard reminds us how critical the father-daughter relationship is to a woman’s healthy emotional development.

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Since I began interviewing women for my book “Daughters of Divorce,” I’ve been struck with how many fathers and daughters yearn for a closer bond. Like many authors, my own experience has been a driving force in my interest about researching and writing about this topic.

In fact, the absence of my father in my daily life after my parents divorced caused a breach of trust between us. Although I didn’t attribute it at the time to the absence of my father, I did experience an intrinsic mistrust of men, and oddly enough a strong craving for their attention and approval at the same time.

For instance, there’s evidence that daughters who feel connected to their fathers experience more satisfaction with their bodies and ultimately higher feelings of self-worth.

Over the last several years, many dads have written to me asking for suggestions on how to raise a daughter with high self-esteem after their divorce. Without hesitation I inform them that the father-daughter relationship—either missing or absent—is the most common theme that I blog about. What I often share with fathers is that fostering their daughter’s self-esteem post-divorce is a top priority because girls are so vulnerable to cultural influences. For instance, there’s evidence that daughters who feel connected to their fathers experience more satisfaction with their bodies and ultimately higher feelings of self-worth.

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For the most part, a good relationship with an intimate partner is strongly tied to a woman’s relationship with her dad. A father’s presence (or lack of presence) in his daughter’s life will affect how she will relate to all men who come after him and can impact her view of herself and psychological well-being.

♦◊♦

My research for “Daughters of Divorce” spanned over five years and comprised over 300 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage concluded that lack of access to both parents and an inability to deal with conflict in a constructive manner were associated with low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes.

Further, a recent large scale study cited in a Huffington Post article, “Teen Depression in Girls Linked to Absent Fathers in Early Childhood,” sheds new light on the importance of the father-daughter bond. Findings from the Children of the 90’s study at the University of Bristol, showed that girls whose fathers were absent during the first five years of life were more likely to develop depressive symptoms in adolescence than girls whose fathers left when they were aged five to ten years. These girls also demonstrated more depressive symptoms when compared to adolescent boys whose fathers left in both age groups. More research is needed on this key topic to explore reasons for these outcomes.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce? Dr. Linda Nielsen found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting after divorce.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce? In a divorced family, there are many ways a father-daughter bond may suffer. Based on her research, Dr. Linda Nielsen found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting after divorce. Neilson posits that while most daughters are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl can grow into adulthood with low-self-esteem and trust issues.

What a girl needs is a loving, predictable father figure—whether married to her mother, single, or divorced. Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., a recognized expert on parenting, explains that one of the predictors of a father’s relationship with his children after divorce is the mother’s facilitation or obstruction of the relationship.

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In his book When Parents Hurt, Dr. Coleman writes, “Mothers who feel wronged in the marriage or divorce, who believe that mothers are more important than fathers, or who have psychological problems may directly or indirectly interfere with the father’s desire to have an ongoing relationship with his children.” Moms can do a lot to support their daughter’s close relationship with their dads by avoiding bad-mouthing them and encouraging regular, ongoing communication and in-person contact.

8 Ways Dads Can Foster Their Daughter’s High Self-Esteem:

1. Encourage her to be assertive—such as voicing her opinion even when it’s not popular to do so.
2. Create a safe atmosphere for her to express herself—be sure to listen and validate her feelings.
3. Direct your praise away from her body and appearance—and comment on her talents and strengths. Saying things such as “You are making such healthy choices” or “Good for you for going for a walk” with encourage her to be active and healthy.
4. Don’t bad mouth your ex as this promotes loyalty conflicts and may make it more difficult for her to heal from the losses associated with divorce. Don’t let your cynicism or anger get in the way of your daughter’s future. Don’t pass on your negative views of relationships on to her.
5. Protect her from cultural influences that encourage her to be overly competitivewith other girls or young women. Point out what she has to offer the world and help her shine.
6. Encouraging her to develop interests, practicing her talents, and recognizing her efforts and strengths will boost your daughter’s confidence in the years to come.
7. Spend time doing things she enjoys with her. Encourage her to find healthy outlets such as exercise, joining a club at her school, or participating in a community activity.
8. Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible about “Parenting Time”—especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.

Studies show that patterns of parenting after divorce that lessen conflict, encourage open communication, and promote shared parenting are beneficial for daughters into emerging adulthood. In my recent Huffington Post article, “The Forever Dad: Scattering the Myth of the Self-Centered Dad,” I write “Fostering alienation between a child and his or her dad is one of the cruelest and most selfish acts that a parent can do to his or her own child.”

Since many daughters perceive limited contact with their fathers as a personal rejection, this can lead to lowered self-esteem and trouble trusting romantic partners during adolescence and adulthood. Psychologist Kevin Leman posits that fathers are the key to their daughter’s future. A child development expert, he writes, “That evidence shows that a father’s relationship with his daughter is one of the key determinants in a woman’s ability to enjoy a successful life and marriage.”

Photo—Rolands Lakis/Flickr

Follow Terry on movingpastdivorce.com and order her book “Daughters of Divorce.” In it you’ll find chapter three: Longing for Dear Old Dad: Overcome Your Broken (or missing) Relationship with your Father.

How to get self-esteem back, by Mastin Kipp

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again BY LUCAS MCCORD

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again

JULY 05, 2018

BY LUCAS MCCORDhttps://divorcedmoms.com/10-ways-to-get-over-your-divorce-and-become-whole-again/

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If you don’t get over your divorce you carry the same issues from your marriage into any post-divorce relationships.

I spoke with a Coaching client last week who is working her way through her third divorce. We were on the phone for an hour and she spent forty-five minutes talking about problems she had experienced in her first marriage. Problems which happen to be the same problems she is experiencing in her third marriage. If you don’t get over your divorce, guess what, you’ll find yourself like this woman…carrying the same problems into every relationship you have post-divorce.

She will soon have three ex-husbands that she still ruminates over, blames for her inability to have a successful marriage and spends an excessive amount of time talking about with anyone who will listen.

Why is her head still stuck in her three failed marriages? Because she didn’t do the work she needed to do after her first divorce before jumping into her second and third marriage. She believes that love and marriage will solve her problems when all she is doing is taking those problems into each of her subsequent marriages.

My client didn’t get over her first divorce which only led to more divorces. To keep you from making the same mistake, I encourage you to do the work needed to get over your divorce before jumping back into another relationship and marriage.

Everyone who ends a marriage will grieve the emotional investment they had in that marriage. They will grieve the loss of plans, hopes, and dreams they had with their spouse and for their future. Some experience that grieving process before the divorce, some are left to deal with the grieving after the marriage is over.

Wherever one finds themselves in the grieving process, it’s important to move through it in order to move forward with life and become whole, emotionally, financially, mentally and spiritually.

How does one get over a divorce in a healthy manner? See below:

10 Ways to Get Over Your Divorce and Become Whole Again

1. Controlled Communication

It’s probably best to avoid communication with an ex, if possible. If you have children, that won’t be possible so, when communicating focus on keeping the communication emotionally safe. If you must discuss child-related issues, stick to talking only about child-related issues. If you didn’t want the divorce and are hoping for a reconciliation, it’s important for your own emotional wellbeing to keep any communication strictly business.

2. Let Go of Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

It’s normal after a divorce to wander off into “woulda coulda shoulda” type thinking. Thinking about whether the marriage could have been saved only keeps you stuck and unable to move forward with your life. Indulging in “what ifs” and thinking about how things could’ve been will not help you cope with the reality of your divorce. Thinking about things that could have happened but never will happen is a waste of time and emotional energy. That kind of thinking promotes longings for something you can’t have, regret over something that is over and done with and more emotional pain that you don’t need.

3. Behave Yourself!

Sometimes divorce can make us behave in ways we normally wouldn’t and that can get nasty, quite quickly. Don’t badmouth your ex, don’t call them over the phone and express your anger, don’t use the children to punish your ex, don’t play mind games with child support and visitation. Anger is a difficult emotion for anyone to deal with and unfortunately, it’s a common emotion experienced after a divorce.

Fight the urge to misbehave. Screaming and shouting rarely makes an ex want to have a civil relationship with you. Name calling and finger pointing will make you look immature and irrational. If you need to scream and shout, do it alone or in the company of a close friend who you can trust to keep it to themselves. And, if you can’t get a handle on your anger, get into therapy so it can be worked through.

Have some pride and hold yourself to standards that would never allow you to let anger get the best of you.

4. Stay Away from People Who Don’t Promote Healing and Moving On

Surround yourself with people who are positive and willing to call you out on thinking and behaviors that hold you back from getting over your divorce. Steer clear of negative people who enjoy stirring the pot and encouraging your negative feelings. It’s natural to want to vent to those who will cheer you on and support your point of view BUT even though they feel they are giving you what you need, they are actually keeping you from focusing your energy elsewhere and in a more positive manner.

Spend time with friends and family that offer support and positivity, warmth and comfort. Those who will help you feel good about yourself, where you are in life and guide you in a direction that promotes growth and not stagnation.

5. Talk About Something Other than Your Divorce

Vent if you feel the need but know when enough is enough. Constant talking and thinking about your divorce saturates your mind and before long there will be room for nothing but negative thinking in your head. That can lead to feelings of depression and being overly emotional.

When it comes to getting over a divorce, your head and what goes through your head is your greatest tool. If you drown your brain with constant negative thoughts about your divorce, you’ll find yourself going down for the third time and unable to recover and move on.

Give yourself a certain amount of time daily to talk and think about your divorce. The rest of the day distract yourself with positive thoughts and activities. It’s making room for the good stuff in your head that will encourage healing after a divorce.

6. Don’t Drink Away Your Grief

Alcohol numbs, it doesn’t heal. Drinking to numb the pain of a divorce can have serious effects on your mood, your behavior, and your overall wellbeing. Drinking is an easy way to avoid the pain you’re in but, it will only extend the grieving process and stall the moving on process.

7. Evict Thoughts of Your Ex from Your Head

You had a daily relationship with your ex. Even if you wanted the divorce it can take time to stop thinking about your ex. Wondering how they are and what they are doing will be normal thoughts that go through your head. If you didn’t want the divorce such thoughts may become obsessive for you. You’ve been forced to let go of a relationship you wanted to hold onto, it’s only natural that part of your grieving process will be focusing on your ex’s whereabouts, who they are with, how they are spending their time.

It’s important that you remain aware that an obsessive need to keep up with your ex will lead you into harmful and painful territory. Letting go of a relationship you’d rather be nurturing is one of the hardest things any of us is called upon to do. If you’re going to get over your loss and move forward in a positive manner with your life, you need to let go of the need to keep tabs on and constantly think about your ex.

8. Allow Yourself to Feel

Divorce brings with it difficult emotions. You will feel sadness, anger, confusion, fear, anxiety and many other negative emotions attached to divorce. It’s natural to want those emotions to go away and for you to do whatever you feel will soothe them.

It’s important to feel and work through these negative emotions. The biggest mistake you can make is to bury negative emotions or put a band-aid over them. Divorce puts us all in a vulnerable position emotionally. Don’t fear that vulnerability, embrace it and work through it by expressing your feelings in a healthy manner. Talk to a friend, family member or therapist about how you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, acknowledge them and in time they will fade.

9. Stay Away from Places That Were Special to You Two

To get over your divorce you want to avoid anything that will cause added pain. Visiting a restaurant that you two spent your first anniversary will bring up memories that can be painful. Seeing a movie at the same theater you two frequented may cause discomfort due to reminders of your ex. Consider places you two shared time together off limits until you can go there and it no longer hurts.

10. Focus on You!

Last but most important, focus on you, your immediate needs and your future. No one moves forward if their head and heart are stuck in the past. No one benefits personally if they don’t focus on their emotional and physical needs first.

Be sure you are eating and exercising properly. Daily, take the time to set goals for yourself. Goals that focus on what you want and need out of life going forward. Take the needed steps to meet those goals. Life doesn’t end with a divorce. In twenty years, you don’t want to look back and think to yourself, “I wasted years of my life when I didn’t accept and get over that divorce.”

Smile daily, work at personal growth and learning new relationship skills. Get rid of reminders of your ex in your home that evoke negative memories, treat yourself with patience and kindness. And, move forward rebuilding a life that promotes pride and contentment.

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash