12 Expert Tips for Dating After a Divorce. BY DENISE SCHIPANI

Learn how to get back into the romance game after a major split.

 

Dating after divorce can be a minefield for the midlife woman. Perhaps even thornier than pondering what to wear on a date, where to go, who pays — not to mention how you even find people to date in this brave new world of Internet match-ups — is getting over your reluctance to take a stab at it. Why is it so hard?

"A divorced woman may feel very vulnerable at this stage, in part because she used to have a spouse to 'protect' her and now she has to go out into the world on her own," says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love. But it's also tough, she adds, because once you're on the dating scene you can feel like a teenager again, in that shaky, unconfident, not-sure-if-he'll-call sort of way.

So how can you make post-divorce dating — whether you're looking for a good time or a good (relationship-minded) man — less daunting? Read on for tips that will help you get back in Cupid's good graces.

1          FIGURE OUT IF YOU'RE READY.

Whether it's been one year or six since the divorce decree, you may never know with absolute clarity that you're ready for another relationship. Instead, "it's usually clear when you're not ready," says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist and author of Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce. That is, when the very idea turns you off. But once the idea of going on a date comes into your mind and you don't want to chase it out again, you're at least ready to start, she says. If it's truly awful, you can take a step back and wait some more.

2          FEEL THE FEAR — AND DO IT ANYWAY.

Contemplating the dating scene, many divorced women feel not just garden-variety nerves, but "actual terror," says Dr. Kirschner. Just remember that your fears are normal — after all, you're dealing with or have dealt with a major betrayal and upheaval — and that you don't have to jump all the way in. "Dip a toe in at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you're interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties."

3          AVOID NEGATIVE THINKING.

While it's not unheard of for a woman wounded by a painful divorce to make statements like "all men are jerks" or "all the good ones are taken," that's obviously not a good mindset to have going into dating, says Dr. Kirschner. "That kind of thinking can tank your mood — and cause you to limit your chances of getting out there and finding love." By forcing yourself to keep your negative thoughts in check, you'll soon be in the habit of thinking optimistically, which will in turn make you more ready to date again.

4          KNOW THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

A divorcée may also feel that there's something "wrong" with her since her marriage fell apart, says Dr. Kirschner. If that's the case, start training yourself now to recognize self-sabotaging thoughts, and when self-doubts start to pop up, "visualize a giant red stop sign, or a voice yelling, 'Stop!'" says Dr. Kirschner.

5          DETERMINE YOUR DATING INTENTION.

You've decided to start dating — isn't that your "intention" right there? Not completely, says Dr. Kirschner. "Sit down and craft a statement of what, exactly, you're after. Is it a partner in life? A short-term liaison that might lead to something? Just some fun for now? The idea is that you should consciously decide how you want to proceed," which will in turn inform how you go about meeting people.

6          RETHINK YOUR DEFINITION OF DATING.

 

Gadoua, who runs dating workshops for women, asks them to free-associate words that come to mind when they think of "dating." Not surprisingly, words like "awful" and "dreadful" come up. If you feel the same way, she offers this advice: "I suggest you try to reframe it as an adventure, or as an education," she says. "Dating can be a way to sharpen your social skills too." And, of course, a way to get out of the house and have some fun!

7          GET ONLINE.

Possibly, the last time you dated there wasn't even an Internet, much less Internet dating. But if you were thinking that searching for companionship online is strictly for losers or perverts, forget it — that's as outmoded as dial-up. "Online dating is not only mainstream, it's one of the best ways to widen your search, rather than just hoping that you'll meet someone in the coffee shop," says Dr. Kirschner. And these days, there's a site for everyone, from eHarmony and Match to niche sites like JDate. Check out our Guide to Online Dating to learn the basics including setting up a profile to taking a relationship offline.

8          DON'T DRAG OUT ONLINE CONTACT.

Once you "meet" someone online, Dr. Kirschner says it's easy to build up a fantasy of what he is like based on his profile and the emails you exchange. "My rule of thumb is to meet in person within two weeks of making online contact." Might as well find out as soon as you can if the chemistry is virtual — or real. Of course, when you do meet, take basic safety precautions. "Tell a friend where you'll be and when you expect to be home, and meet for coffee in a public place," suggests Dr. Kirschner.

9          REMEMBER THAT DATING IS A NUMBERS GAME.

"Four out of five men you go out with will disappear," says Dr. Kirschner bluntly. It's just the nature of the dating world. He may have seemed great, but loses interest, or is dating someone else, or has problems you will never know about. Don't take it personally, and instead try to remember that if you're meeting a lot of people, the number of bad apples will go up — but so will the odds that you'll meet a few good apples too.

10        DATE AROUND.

Dr. Kirschner recommends, to start by dating several guys at the same time. For a couple of reasons: First, you're not putting all your eggs — or hopes — into one basket. Second, you can compare what you like and don't like. Maybe one guy is very funny, but you enjoy another man's intellectual stimulation. "You can see what you might want in a relationship going forward," she says, even if it's not with any of these guys.

11        BUT BE HONEST.

While Dr. Kirschner fully supports seeing multiple people at one time when you first start dating, she does say there's one caveat: making sure everyone knows. "Just say, 'I'm enjoying dating you, but I want you to know that for now I'm also seeing others casually."

12        DON'T LET YOUR KIDS STOP YOU.

Hopefully it's obvious to you that if you have children at home, you shouldn't bring dates around unless it's somewhat serious. That said, don't let a fear of your children being upsetor disapproving stop you from getting out there if you feel ready to. "Too many women hide behind their kids as an excuse not to date," says Gadoua. Be up-front and respectful, but don't apologize for wanting to date. "Most children just want their parent to be happy, and may be less likely to object than you imagine," she says.

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/g2824/tips-for-dating-after-a-divorce/

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Telling your children you are getting divorced

Telling your children you are getting divorced is one of the hardest aspects of separating. If you need some help to face this conversation, the following tips will get you on the right track.

Tell them what’s happening when something is changing

You might make the decision to separate long before you part and live in different houses. For young children, it’s best to wait and tell them you’re separating when the change is imminent. Older children might sense that something is wrong and ask questions. Only tell them you’re divorcing when you are sure you have reached that point. If you are there, and they ask, be honest. Show them you can handle the difficult conversation and listen to their concerns. Be sensitive to their timetable – try not to start difficult conversations directly before exams, birthdays or times when one of you will be away.

Do it together

If possible, do it with your ex-partner, and know in advance what you are both going to say. It’s often easiest to break the news at the weekend, ensuring that both of you are available for any questions your children might have. Present the news as a decision you both accept. The future co-parenting relationship will rely on a united front, so start as you mean to go on. Deal with any unresolved personal feelings in counselling, and not in front of the children. If you start talking about who’s decision it is, one of you will look weak, and the other will look like the decision maker. This is not a good long-term strategy for co-parenting.

The difference between sad and bad

It’s important that you frame the conversation in the right way. Don’t try and make it overly positive or present it as a great idea. Whatever relief you may be going through, your children are likely to see it differently at first. It’s OK to say that you are sad and it’s OK to cry (provided you stay in control). Blaming yourself and self-recrimination are not helpful. Try to help them accept that the end of marriage is a sad thing, not a bad thing. Divorce is a change and not the end of world. Go with their emotions; don’t try and change them. Feelings of sadness are expected, and its normal to feel sad after hearing this news.

Tell the truth

The truth doesn’t mean sharing everything. The ins and outs of your relationship wouldn’t normally be a topic of conversation so they shouldn’t suddenly become one just because you are separating. The truth is, you are getting divorced. One of you may have wanted it first but you have both come to agree that it’s the best way forward for your family. Don’t pretend you are trialling living apart or give children false hope of a reconciliation. Be honest if you don’t know the answers to their questions. Don’t promise unrealistic things just because you’re finding this a tough conversation.

Keep it short and simple

Stick to the facts and focus on the future. The children must process the news and this will take some time. You may need to repeat the conversation several times – particularly for small children. Try to preempt any questions you think they will ask – especially ‘Why?’ Have a short answer you both stick to and repeat it every time the why question is asked. Be very clear with children of all ages that this is not their fault. Nothing they have done or could have done would have changed anything – repeat this several times.

Tell all your children at the same time

This will ensure that everyone hears the same thing and no one feels excluded.  They may take comfort from each other. It’s fine to follow up with individual conversations with each child. This will help you answer specific concerns and help you give more age-appropriate reassurances.

Being emotional is OK

A lot of parents feel they need to ‘be the rock’ in this situation. It’s OK to be emotional when you tell your children – after all, it is sad news. If you are upset in front of the children this will indicate to them that it’s OK for them to be sad, that this release is natural and necessary. Being angry or bad-mouthing your ex-partner is harmful. If you feel like you might react like this, seek advice so you can prepare properly and avoid any harm.

Prepare yourself for a reaction

Your children may have a big reaction to the news or no reaction at all. Address how they are feeling and stay calm. They have heard what you’ve said and are trying to process it in their own way. Most reactions, however upsetting, are perfectly normal. If things don’t get better over time, this may indicate your child has got stuck in an emotional cycle of behaviour. Seek help if you’re worried – speak to a child counsellor or your GP.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/parenting-apart/telling-your-children-you-are-getting-divorced/?platform=hootsuite

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