How being heartbroken was the best thing to ever happen to me: Emma Gibbs at TEDxSouthBankWomen

Guided meditation for loneliness and positive change

Dating After Divorce: Being Too Needy Is a Relationship Killer

https://divorcedmoms.com/excessive-possessiveness-dont-take-it-into-your-postdivorce-dating-life/

A friend was relaying a story of his 29-year-old son’s dating life. His son was having a hard time meeting young ladies who weren’t needy or clingy. My friend suggested his son date women 3-5 years older. His thinking, older, more experienced women would be more self-assured and less clingy.

His son met a woman who is 32 and they begin to date. Within two weeks this older, more mature woman was texting him repeatedly during the day. Texting or calling on the weekend asking where he was and why they weren’t together.

Needless to say, the relationship ended within a month and from what I understand this young woman thought my friend’s son was being unreasonable when he expected her to not text and call him at work.

There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in a relationship, especially with someone you consider or wish to be your lover and partner. But vulnerability must be a two-way street. Relationships work when both partners can count on each other and the power dynamic is more or less equal. When one or the other is too needy or clingy, relationships don’t last long.

Being too needy is a relationship killer. What can you do to keep from killing relationships?

Be an Adult: Respect your partner the way you expect to be respected and treated. If he needs space sometimes, find the strength to give it to him.

Give Space: If you have an issue with a person who is not a great talker, then strike when the iron is cold. He may be open to a discussion when you are both less regressed and angry and the atmosphere is more relaxed. So, just because you feel the need to talk doesn’t mean you have to talk RIGHT NOW. Heavy conversation go better when both parties are open to engaging.

Get Therapy: If you are needy and in love, look closely at your family of origin which may have been a source of hurt that is being triggered now that you’ve entered the field of intimacy. He can’t fix your wound, only you can.

Watch Out for Depression and Anxiety: Depression and anxiety are more common than you may realize and can interfere with stable thinking. Both can injure your self-esteem and make you needy — and both can be treated; it can only help your relationship.

Your Partner May Be Part of the Problem: Most relationship issues are created by two people. Does he have narcissistic tendencies that make you feel second best? Or, perhaps, he’s simply not into you, and it is time to grieve this relationship. Facing hard facts is often better than feeling tortured day in and day out.

Abuse is not Acceptable: If your partner is physically, verbally or sexually abusive, you must get help and find safety. Your neediness may be part of a dependency that gives him terrible power over you. Under these circumstances, you will probably need outside help. Get it.

The Good News: Most neediness is small and annoying, not life-threatening. If you are in a terribly malignant relationship, get out. But, if your partner is more or less normal, neediness can be a burden that he simply can’t handle.

If you are willing to save your relationship, acknowledge that your excessive possessiveness is detrimental to the relationship. Seeking the appropriate professional help can help guide you onto the right track to save your relationship or marriage.

Do your personal work. Give space. And, love him for his needs as well as yours.

It may just work out.

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The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong | Amy Morin | TEDxOcala

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Finding Joy During Your Divorce is Easier than you Think! By Martha Bodyfelt

When we are experiencing loss and sadness in our life, everyday can feel like a struggle. Whether it is recovering from loss of a loved one, divorce, a lay-off, or anything else, we forget to take care of ourselves and find joy at the time when we need it most.

Learning how to reinvent ourselves, establish our independence again, and figure out what we want during this next chapter of our lives is a bit overwhelming. Oftentimes, we may forget to see all the wonderful things that await us.

So often, we get so bogged down with the stress, overwhelm, and emotional roller-coasters that we forget about all the things that we have going for us. But learning to find joy in your life, especially while navigating loss, is an incredible gift that you can give to yourself. And it can be easier than ever when you ask yourself the following.

What amazing things are in your life that you may have overlooked?

We have this unfair expectation that only huge milestones in our lives are worth celebrating. But what about the day-in/day-out struggles that we endure?

We don't give ourselves enough credit for the things we have accomplished. Every day that you take control of your life, every day that you learn a little more about managing money and re-entering the workforce, every day that you get a little bit stronger and take care of yourself and put yourself first and realize that you are worthy of getting your confidence back and reclaiming your life is something you should celebrate.

So, what things will you start to celebrate? I've listed a few of my own!

-I choose to celebrate that I am no longer in a relationship that was unhealthy for me.

-I will celebrate that I am a survivor. I got through this, and now I know I can get through anything.

If you are still having trouble with trying to identify things that bring you joy, don't worry! Finding joy in your life is the most important step to learning how to heal and move on. It is also the easiest but most critical component of taking care of yourself as you recover from loss. Another way to approaching finding joy can come from asking yourself the following.

What is yours that nobody can take?

Answering this question establishes the solid foundation for celebrating what is good in your life. These answers are simpler than you think. Some of my answers, especially during the hardest times of my divorce, included:

-Coming home to a clean house—everything just how I left it.
-The feeling that although I am no longer married, at least I am not in a toxic, unhealthy relationship anymore.

-Knowing that my dog would always greet me with a wagging tail and sloppy kiss.

Those simple things are ones we usually take for granted, but when you are mindful to the love and beauty that actually surrounds you, just waiting to be acknowledged, you will see dozens of things to be happy about that are right in front of you.

When the world still seems like a disaster, or when you are angry over something that happened today, or you saw something or heard something that triggered you into feeling resentful of grief-stricken, you must do this one thing.

Write down 5 things for which you are grateful

These things do not have to be extravagant. In fact, the simplest of things are usually the best, because they remind us that we are still alive and that we will be okay. Need some inspiration? Take a look at last night's entry into my own notebook.

-The new summer weather

-The smell of fabric softener on clean sheets

-Hot Epsom salt bath before bed

-My dog, who is always so playful and silly

-Homemade delicious olive oil cake after dinner

Do this exercise tonight.

I prefer doing this as I am getting ready for bed. After I finish the night rituals but still have a few minutes before I know that I am going to zonk out is when I write these things. It doesn't really matter when you do it exactly, but I find that doing it at the end of the day is the best way to get closure on any nonsense that has gotten in my space, as well as celebrating any good things that have come my way, too.

Make it as easy as possible for yourself.

I keep a medium-sized notebook with a pen on my nightstand, next to my alarm clock. That way, I will see it every night. It can be as simple of a notebook as you want—some people get super-fancy and call them Gratitude Journals. I just call it a lifeline to joy.

A simple habit can change your outlook.

This is not a just-one-and-done thing, however. You must make this a habit in order for it to work. Some studies show that it takes 21 days of practice to make something a habit, but you will start to notice the change in your outlook in in 3 days of writing down.

You may also see patterns of things for which are grateful—things that appear in your notebook regularly. It's not a coincidence. It's a sign that these are the things in your life that bring you joy, and these are the things you should celebrate. These are the things that, when you are angry or lonely, have the power to center you again and remind you that you have control of your life, that you are strong, and that regardless of where you have been, you will get your life and happiness back.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/finding-joy-during-your-divorce-is-easier-than-you-think

Introducing Uncoupled

In the last few years, we have been through relationship breakups of our own.  We became ‘Uncoupled’.  Even though we were the ones who ended our relationships, we discovered that this by no means makes it an easy experience. And harder for the one who was left, with the news often coming as a shock and no time to mentally prepare.

Although it took us both a very long time to make our decisions, and thus we were mentally ready to a degree, we sometimes felt isolated during the undecided and unsettling phase while we were still in the relationship and through the reality of the aftermath. Family and friends could only provide advice to a point; after all, they are not best placed to provide unbiased, objective advice. And let’s face it, if friends haven’t been through it, they don’t always get it (sorry friends!). In fact, I never told my family and most of my friends until several months after the split had happened as I feared the reactions could be too overwhelming. I wasn’t ready to face the inevitable uncomfortable questions and constant enquiries as to my wellbeing that would ensue.

Once the decision was made, and after having the inevitable ‘it’s over’ conversations, (with ex and then with children), the sense of relief was huge.  We were very lucky as we found each other during that time which helped us through the emotional fallout.  Ironically, it is what brought us together as friends. It is true that for every ending there’s a new beginning...

There was so much to think about, not least to try to make the home situation and arrangements as stable as possible for the kids.  Not to mention trying to start over again as a newly separated parent, with new routines, and spending time alone again for the first time in 20+ years during child free days.  Not wanting to remain single, I also knew the inevitable dating scene beckoned too. And dating?! OMG…

We both trawled the internet for help and ideas for newly separated women and found that we were more or less unsupported and alone. We had both used Relate Counselling before and during the split, but they are really there to help mend a failing relationship rather than guide you through the uncoupling of one. What we found was a plethora of dating sites, newspaper articles, legal firms dealing with divorce, single parent support sites, fashion for older women or help with the menopause! A few American sites were helpful but we wanted something UK based. Of course, there are lots of self-help books and chatting to a friend or co-worker on an ad hoc basis helps.

But as busy working mums, we needed a one stop shop where where we could connect with other women who had been through the pre, during and post-split dilemmas we were going through.  Somewhere to find advice, practical ideas, inspiration and sometimes simply offload. But predominantly we wanted to focus on the positives and moving on. We hear many comments such as ‘all men are the same’ or ‘all men are b*******’, however, as many of us are raising sons, is this really a healthy attitude?  This is not a good view of men to promote to our daughters either.  Let’s not forget that there are plenty of men who have been unfairly treated by women.

The estimated percentage of marriages ending in divorce, (according to the Office of National Statistics in the UK), is 42%. This doesn’t account for long-term cohabiting couples, (of which I was one), who separate.  It doesn’t seem right that such a significant section of society seems to be neglected. We deserve more! This is not just the end of a relationship, which is a huge life event in itself, it is also a significant and often difficult life transition for many of us. However, it is also a new world of opportunities and the beginning of an exciting chapter in your life. We want to embrace the largely forgotten group who have found themselves ‘Uncoupled’ whether they chose that new life or not.   

You are no longer alone; we have created UNCOUPLED just for YOU 😊