Fathers and Daughters: An Essential Bond After Divorce. By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

The relationship a daughter has with her father is one that has a profound impact on her life. The breakup of a family often changes the dynamic of the father-daughter relationship and it can be a challenge to stay connected. Research has shown that fathers play an important role in the lives of their daughters but that this relationship is the one that changes the most after divorce.

There’s no denying that a woman’s relationship with her father is one of the most crucial in her life. The quality of that connection – good, damaged, or otherwise – powerfully impacts dads and daughters in a multiple of ways.  A father’s effect on his daughter’s psychological well-being and identity is far-reaching. A daughter’s sense of self, for instance, is often connected to how her father views her. A girl stands a better chance of becoming a self-confident woman if she has a close bond with her father.

While divorce can be problematic for all children, it poses unique challenges for girls, in part due to a tendency they have to crave emotional closeness more than boys do. She may feel that if her family is broken, she is broken. Due to a delayed reaction to divorce or a “Sleeper Effect,” a girl might go undercover, and develop an increased sensitivity to loss that may go unnoticed.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce?  Dr. Linda Nielson, a nationally recognized expert on father-daughter relationships, posits that that while most daughters of divorce are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl may grow into adulthood with low self-esteem and trust issues.

Dr. Nielson found that girls tend to spend more time with their mothers (and less time with their dad) after their parents’ divorce. In her extensive research, Dr. Nielson found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of joint custody after the family splits.

My research for Daughters of Divorce spanned over three years and was comprised of 326 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriageconcluded that lack of access to both parents and high conflict between them contributed to low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes. Most of the young women that I interviewed expressed a strong desire to improve their communication with their fathers yet lacked the tools to be able to pull this off.

Certainly a strong father-daughter connection is a challenge when it comes to post-divorce relationships. In a recent episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass Bishop T.D. Jakes concludes “It’s not a lack of love that stops an estranged father from reconnecting with his child – it’s the fear of rejection.” Bishop Jakes recommends that every father needs to “court” his child and discover his or her world in order to reconnect.

In his recent book Always Dad, Paul Mandelstein, advises divorced dads to find ways to play a crucial role in their daughter’s life. He suggests that divorced parents call a truce with their ex-spouse – to put an end to active fighting and to collaborate. The father-daughter connection, even several years after a family dissolves, is heavily influenced by consistency in contact and the quality of the relationship.

Daughters who have a strong relationship with their father are more likely to be self-confident and mature – possessing a purpose in their lives. A daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how she should be treated by a man. But Dads often lose touch with their daughters after a family splits up and they don’t always know how to reconnect. I know firsthand about this loss because I experienced it with my own father and fortunately was able to heal the rupture in our relationship.

Why is the father-daughter bond so vulnerable to disruption after divorce?

• Girls tend to spend more time with their moms after divorce (and less time with their dads).
• During early adolescence, a girl tends to feel distant from her dad and she may resent her stepmom or his girlfriend. Meanwhile, she may tend to have an intense, complicated relationship with her mom (confidant, too close, lots of conflict and love).
• Mothers and stepmoms don’t always understand the importance of the father-daughter bond so they may not encourage it.
• Dads don’t always know how to connect with their daughters around activities that are mutually satisfying so they start spending less time together.
• If the father-daughter bond is severely damaged it can cause daughters to have trust and intimacy issues in adult relationships. It may push them to pick romantic partners who are all wrong for them because they set low standards.

The truth is that girls go through many changes during adolescence and at this pivotal time, they may become more distant from their dads. There is also more tension between mothers and daughters – even in intact families.  Divorce often intensifies issues between family members. The good news is that it’s not too late for fathers and daughters to connect.

10 Tips for fathers with daughters of all ages:

• Express loving feelings: Hugs, praise, and suggesting activities are ways to do this.
• Connect through notes: Texts, emails, or a postcard or letter if you are away.
• Idle chats: Ask her questions or exchange small talk while you are driving in the car,  helping her with homework, cooking, or a doing a project together (puzzle, decorate her room).
• Special dates: For younger daughters, a visit to the zoo or the park are possible ways to connect and relax together. Throw in a picnic or ice cream cone too! For teenage or young adult daughters: Take her to lunch, the gym, or a wonderful movie – ask her for ideas!
• Include her in vacation plans: Ask her where she wants to go (with limits).
• Find ways to help her to build self-esteem such as encouraging her to develop interests and recognizing her strengths. It’s okay for her to abandon these interests when she decides to check new ones out. Try to be accepting of her need for independence as she reaches adolescence. She still needs your approval but requires a little space to explore and grow.
• Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible – especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.
• Be sure not to bad-mouth her mother – even if she complains about her. For instance, mothers and daughters can experience more tension during adolescence and you can serve as a buffer. Keep in mind that her mother is still her model and so saying negative things about your ex-spouse will hurt your daughter and may spark a negative reaction.
• Attempt to help her repair any father-daughter wounds. If your relationship has been damaged and she doesn’t want to connect, you may want to seek professional help from a divorce coach or therapist.
• Be patient and persistent in showing your daughter you want to spend time with her. It’s never too late to develop a stronger father-daughter bond or to reconnect while you’re still alive! Don’t let your fear of rejection of the past prevent you from enjoying a positive bond with your daughter.

10 Tips for daughters of all ages:  

• Be honest about your relationship with your father and any wounds that exist.
• Let go of self-blame and forgive yourself (for whatever you told yourself) and your dad.
• Give up the dream of a perfect connection with your father.
• Look at ways you may have accepted relationships that were not healthy for you to fill the void your dad left (dating unavailable men or ones who are all wrong for you).
• Examine your relationship with your dad and attempt to reconnect if there have been any wounds. He may be able to help you be your best self.
• Be patient and have realistic expectations.  After all, it may take time to reconnect if your relationship is damaged or distant.
• Invest your time in something that interests your dad – such as attending a sporting or work event with him if you have the opportunity.
• Express your needs clearly and calmly. This could be verbally, a letter, or release (“I release you from not being more active in my life, even if I don’t know why or it hurts”). You may decide not to share your letter with your father, but this step can still be therapeutic.
• Accept that people usually do the best they can and attempt to be more understanding of your father and his situation.
• You may want to seek professional help to deal with your wound with your father if your relationship doesn’t seem to be improving.

If fathers can remain an integral part of their daughter’s life after divorce, a loving bond will help them get through rough patches in life. Dr. Peggy Drexler, author of Our Fathers, Ourselves writes, “Likewise, even the most troubled, overwrought , baggage-laden relationship is not without hope – if not of reconciliation, then at least of the daughter finding a new way of seeing her father that might help her to make sense of the forces that shaped him and his actions.” In most cases, It’s not too last to connect with your father or your daughter, even if you haven’t done so in some time.  

The information contained in this blog also applies to many father-daughter relationships when the parents are unwed. All daughters benefit from a close bond with their father. It is never too late to heal fractured relationships and for love and forgiveness. Fathers can be an integral part of their daughters lives even if they live apart or have had limited contact in the past.

https://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/11/fathers-and-daughters-an-essential-bond-after-divorce/

The Difficulties Of Life After An Amicable Divorce by Toby Hazlewood

I feel the need to start with a grateful acknowledgement for the circumstances and many blessings of my post-divorce life. For 12 or so years since parting from my first wife, mother of my two daughters I’ve had it pretty easy.

With a mutual commitment to giving our girls the best upbringing possible in spite of our relationship with each other falling apart, we’ve co-parented them equally for nearly 11 years. We’ve had some disagreements over that time; we are a divorced couple after all. Fundamentally though, we’re amicable, fair and respectful towards each other.

From the days when the wounds of parting were raw, through to both being happily remarried, we’ve been resolutely committed to giving our daughters a happy and loving childhood. We’ve weathered the phases of childhood and dealt with the hormonal outbursts of puberty. Through it all, we’ve done the best we could to raise them jointly, apart. We now have an arrangement known as bird-nesting where the girls remain in one home and their mum and I come and go as live-in parent of the week.

When I contrast this to the lives of other divorced and separated families, I realise I have it easy. I’ve observed the mothers who withhold custody from the father, driven by retribution and anger. I’ve witnessed the fathers whose apathy and disinterest in their kids is dwarfed only by their own self-serving pride. Most upsetting, I’ve seen the effects on kids who exist in-between two warring parents. They’re forced to grapple with the ludicrous behaviour of their supposed role-models, wearing bravely-stoic faces and appeasing their parents’ consciences by pretending it’s all okay.

It’s angering, baffling and saddening.

All that said, it feels self-indulgent to even contemplate the difficulties presented by living out my own amicable divorce but I’m going to share these anyway. We all face challenges, it’s just that mine are different from others’.

I spend most of my life apart from someone that I love – If it’s my week with the girls, I’m apart from my wife and step-kids. If I’m with my wife, I’m generally apart from my daughters. Wherever I am, I try and immerse myself fully in that role and place, but it’s hard to always be apart from a subset of those you love.

Maybe the separated life that I’ve lived for so long will better prepare me for when the kids leave home? I doubt it somehow. Even before I had a new relationship, when my weeks with the girls were punctuated by weeks on my own, I’d be yearning to see them again by the end of my free week. These days, the yearning to see them is compounded by impending absence from my wife.

PIXABAY.COM

It attracts criticism from those who don’t understand the setup – For as long as I can remember, there have been critics of our arrangement. When the girls were young (we first started co-parenting when the youngest was three) there were those who’d state that toddlers needed their mother more than their father. Throughout post-divorce life there have been those who say my ex and I are selfishly pursuing our own lives at the expense of stability and happiness of our kids. We have well-practiced responses to these and many other accusations but it matters little.

Like anything unusual, there will be those who are vocal in their criticism and strident in their opinion. I stand by my choices but like any parent I’m just doing my best and it undermines confidence when others freely express judgment when we’re just trying to make the best of our situation.

I still tackle many of the challenges of parenting alone, that a non-separated couple would face together – Our new partners are both active and supportive regarding the kids. In spite of this, my ex and I still have to handle many of the challenges of parenting alone, by virtue of our custody arrangement. For the majority of the girls’ lives, they’ve existed in a home with just one parent and their sibling, even since we each remarried. We’ve both called upon support with parental challenges at times, often from each other. Generally though, we’re each isolated as single parents dealing with the day-to-day whims of two teenage girls.

This is of course the reality for most separated families, but it’s one area of life that hasn’t eased significantly in spite of each of us remarrying. We each remain largely isolated when we’re parent of the week.

We’re heavily reliant on the goodwill and acceptance of our new partners – Part of my online dating profile when I was single explained the intricacies of my parenting life. It specified that this would need to be accepted as part of me and my life. My ex has similarly always been up front over the commitment she has to our kids. That this was stated up-front doesn’t make it easy for our new partners to accept spending upwards of 50% of their time away from us at the expense of the kids.

The close proximity of our lives in our current ‘bird-nesting’ arrangement has also placed a burden upon our new partners adapting to and accepting this unusually close relationship between me and my ex. It’s testament to them that they’re supportive and understanding.

Taken as a whole, I embrace the ‘challenges’ of my life over many of those faced by divorced parents. I feel lucky, but also proud to have created a child-centric means of raising my kids after divorce.

The feelings of gratitude are occasionally tempered by the hardships I face, particularly on a ‘changeover Monday’. When I’ve just kissed my wife goodbye for another week, as I head to the kids’ home to live in as parent of the week I often feel sad. I’m excited to see the kids of course, but the emotions accompanying the changeover never seem to ease, no matter which direction I’m moving.

I don’t expect they ever will.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-difficulties-of-life-after-an-amicable-divorce_uk_5afaa537e4b0b61057a3bc47?utm_hp_ref=uk-dating-and-relationships

8 Ways Dads Can Empower Their Daughters Post-Divorce

June 6, 2016 by Terry Gaspard 3 Comments

Share388

Tweet105

Share

Stumble

Pin4

SHARES497

‘Daughters of Divorce’ author Terry Gaspard reminds us how critical the father-daughter relationship is to a woman’s healthy emotional development.

___

Since I began interviewing women for my book “Daughters of Divorce,” I’ve been struck with how many fathers and daughters yearn for a closer bond. Like many authors, my own experience has been a driving force in my interest about researching and writing about this topic.

In fact, the absence of my father in my daily life after my parents divorced caused a breach of trust between us. Although I didn’t attribute it at the time to the absence of my father, I did experience an intrinsic mistrust of men, and oddly enough a strong craving for their attention and approval at the same time.

For instance, there’s evidence that daughters who feel connected to their fathers experience more satisfaction with their bodies and ultimately higher feelings of self-worth.

Over the last several years, many dads have written to me asking for suggestions on how to raise a daughter with high self-esteem after their divorce. Without hesitation I inform them that the father-daughter relationship—either missing or absent—is the most common theme that I blog about. What I often share with fathers is that fostering their daughter’s self-esteem post-divorce is a top priority because girls are so vulnerable to cultural influences. For instance, there’s evidence that daughters who feel connected to their fathers experience more satisfaction with their bodies and ultimately higher feelings of self-worth.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

For the most part, a good relationship with an intimate partner is strongly tied to a woman’s relationship with her dad. A father’s presence (or lack of presence) in his daughter’s life will affect how she will relate to all men who come after him and can impact her view of herself and psychological well-being.

♦◊♦

My research for “Daughters of Divorce” spanned over five years and comprised over 300 interviews of young women who reflected upon their parents’ divorce. The most common themes that emerged from these interviews were trust issues and a wound in the father-daughter relationship. My previous study published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage concluded that lack of access to both parents and an inability to deal with conflict in a constructive manner were associated with low self-esteem in young women raised in divorced homes.

Further, a recent large scale study cited in a Huffington Post article, “Teen Depression in Girls Linked to Absent Fathers in Early Childhood,” sheds new light on the importance of the father-daughter bond. Findings from the Children of the 90’s study at the University of Bristol, showed that girls whose fathers were absent during the first five years of life were more likely to develop depressive symptoms in adolescence than girls whose fathers left when they were aged five to ten years. These girls also demonstrated more depressive symptoms when compared to adolescent boys whose fathers left in both age groups. More research is needed on this key topic to explore reasons for these outcomes.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce? Dr. Linda Nielsen found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting after divorce.

Why is the father-daughter relationship so vulnerable to disruption after a parents’ divorce? In a divorced family, there are many ways a father-daughter bond may suffer. Based on her research, Dr. Linda Nielsen found that only 10 to 15 percent of fathers get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting after divorce. Neilson posits that while most daughters are well adjusted several years after their parents’ divorce, many have damaged relationships with their fathers. Unfortunately, if the wound is severe, a girl can grow into adulthood with low-self-esteem and trust issues.

What a girl needs is a loving, predictable father figure—whether married to her mother, single, or divorced. Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., a recognized expert on parenting, explains that one of the predictors of a father’s relationship with his children after divorce is the mother’s facilitation or obstruction of the relationship.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

In his book When Parents Hurt, Dr. Coleman writes, “Mothers who feel wronged in the marriage or divorce, who believe that mothers are more important than fathers, or who have psychological problems may directly or indirectly interfere with the father’s desire to have an ongoing relationship with his children.” Moms can do a lot to support their daughter’s close relationship with their dads by avoiding bad-mouthing them and encouraging regular, ongoing communication and in-person contact.

8 Ways Dads Can Foster Their Daughter’s High Self-Esteem:

1. Encourage her to be assertive—such as voicing her opinion even when it’s not popular to do so.
2. Create a safe atmosphere for her to express herself—be sure to listen and validate her feelings.
3. Direct your praise away from her body and appearance—and comment on her talents and strengths. Saying things such as “You are making such healthy choices” or “Good for you for going for a walk” with encourage her to be active and healthy.
4. Don’t bad mouth your ex as this promotes loyalty conflicts and may make it more difficult for her to heal from the losses associated with divorce. Don’t let your cynicism or anger get in the way of your daughter’s future. Don’t pass on your negative views of relationships on to her.
5. Protect her from cultural influences that encourage her to be overly competitivewith other girls or young women. Point out what she has to offer the world and help her shine.
6. Encouraging her to develop interests, practicing her talents, and recognizing her efforts and strengths will boost your daughter’s confidence in the years to come.
7. Spend time doing things she enjoys with her. Encourage her to find healthy outlets such as exercise, joining a club at her school, or participating in a community activity.
8. Encourage her to spend close to equal time with both parents. Be flexible about “Parenting Time”—especially as she reaches adolescence and may need more time for friends, school, jobs, and extracurricular activities.

Studies show that patterns of parenting after divorce that lessen conflict, encourage open communication, and promote shared parenting are beneficial for daughters into emerging adulthood. In my recent Huffington Post article, “The Forever Dad: Scattering the Myth of the Self-Centered Dad,” I write “Fostering alienation between a child and his or her dad is one of the cruelest and most selfish acts that a parent can do to his or her own child.”

Since many daughters perceive limited contact with their fathers as a personal rejection, this can lead to lowered self-esteem and trouble trusting romantic partners during adolescence and adulthood. Psychologist Kevin Leman posits that fathers are the key to their daughter’s future. A child development expert, he writes, “That evidence shows that a father’s relationship with his daughter is one of the key determinants in a woman’s ability to enjoy a successful life and marriage.”

Photo—Rolands Lakis/Flickr

Follow Terry on movingpastdivorce.com and order her book “Daughters of Divorce.” In it you’ll find chapter three: Longing for Dear Old Dad: Overcome Your Broken (or missing) Relationship with your Father.