How to break up and move on

What am I up against?

It’s hard to let go of a relationship after investing so much of yourself into it. Very often you still feel connected to them, and it can even feel a bit like they are still a part of you in some way. So seeing your ex with someone else can sometimes feel incredibly painful.

How do I deal with it?

If they ended it

If you’re still emotionally attached when the relationship ends, you may find it hard to feel a sense of closure. This can make it really difficult to form new, quality relationships (Wilson, 2008). Understanding why the relationship ended and why it didn’t work out can help you let go of lingering feelings.

In the first instance, try asking your ex why they ended it. Allow them to speak and resist the temptation to defend yourself. Keep it light and explain from the outset that all you want from the conversation is closure. Ex-partners may feel that you want to meet as part of a ploy to reignite the relationship, so set it squarely and maybe ask to meet in a public place like a coffee shop to make your intentions clear.

Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship

One way to let go of an emotional attachment to an ex-partner is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help with reducing the attachment to previous partners.

Timing is quite crucial here; moving on before you gain closure could mean that your emotions are out of kilter. Sometimes after a relationship, you need a little time to rediscover your own identity.  If you aren’t yet happy in yourself, you may struggle to form a new partnership. However, if the time is right for you, considering potential romantic opportunities might be what you need to move on. One Canadian study found that “focussing on specific new relationship options can decrease attachment to an ex-partner for anxiously attached individuals” (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009).

Take a break from online social networks

Before you can cope with the idea of your partner with someone else, you’re probably going to need a bit of time. If you can avoid seeing them in the meantime, then that’s going to serve you well. However, if your Facebook page and other social networks are going to keep shoving it in your face, then the temptation to scroll through your ex’s photos might prove too great. It may be worth blocking them for a while, or even taking a break from social networks for a few weeks. You can always reactivate your account once you feel ready.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/how-to-break-up-and-move-on/

Tony Robbins: Feeling Lost? How to Find Yourself Again ( Tony Robbins Passion )

6 REASONS YOU’RE VULNERABLE TO NOT SEEING RED FLAGS IN LOVE!

If you feel like you are wearing a kick me sign on your heart, if might be because you have 5 vulnerabilities – which get in your way of noticing red flags! Read on…

There was a time (a long, long time ago) that I used to be colorblind to red flags.

Even red banners!

Eventually I developed tools to spot a red flag a-waving – even when it showed up as merely a red hankee.

How?  I took time to explore the root of my “Red Flag Colorblindness,” and determined that a combo of 6 vulnerabilities were at fault.

If you’ve been blind to red flags, here are 6 potential reasons why!

1. You have a “blinding” desire for marriage.

You know how it’s not a good idea to text while you’re walking? After all, you’re not focused on what’s right smack in front of you – like that woman walking her poodle or that big steel pole.

Similarly, you can become blind to red flags when you’re experiencing a “blinding desire” for finding a relationship.

Maybe all your friends are getting married.

Maybe you feel pressure from your parents or coworkers.

Maybe you’ve just found out your ex is all happily coupled up – and you’re now unstoppably determined to cozy up to someone too.

 Unfortunately when you have your eyes focused on your “end game,” you can’t be on top of your dating game.

Basically, it’s hard to clearly see the person in front of you, when your eyes are obsessively focused on a wedding finish line.

2. You have an achilles heel.

You know the expression “achilles heel”?

It originates from the Greek mythological hero Achilles – and it’s in reference to a weakness someone has – which can become their ultimate downfall.

Unfortunately many of us have “achilles heels” when it comes to relationships.

They can show up as …

an “Achilles Uterus” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about wanting a baby and your biological clock is ticking)

an “Achilles Wallet” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about money)

an “Achilles Toosh” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your weight)

“Achilles Wrinkles” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your age)

Basically, if you’re feeling insecure about an aspect of yourself, this can create self-worth issues.

The lower your self worth, the lower the bar you’ll be setting for finding a partner.

As a result, slimy snaky partners can limbo under your low-bar and slip themselves into your heart!

3. Your “comfort zone” is a “dis-comfort zone.”

Meaning?

If you grew up in a home where love came with anxiety and pain, then you might feel most comfortable with love coming with anxiety and pain.

Basically, your limiting beliefs about love can wind up limiting your happiness.

BIG CLUE: If you find yourself constantly asking friends, “Is this normal?” then you might be suspect for having a “comfort zone” which double-duties as a “dis-comfort zone.”

4. You’re living by the concept: “In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.”

Back when I suffered from “Red Flag Colorblindness,” I was willing to settle for the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner”- and not hold out for a “two-eyed partner.”

NOTE: I don’t mean to be politically incorrect with this quirky metaphor of a one-eyed partner.

I’m simply trying to find a funny way to say that I was willing to settle for a partner who was deeply-deeply-flawed – because I’d become cynical about believing in the existence of a non-deeply-deeply-flawed partner.

I kept rationalizing a partner’s bad behavior – because I just thought the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner” was the best that was out there.

I’d tell myself things like, “Oh well, at least this guy’s got one eye. These days many guys don’t even have one eye! “

Again, apologies if you find this metaphor politically incorrect! I’m just saying that if you’re super cynical about love, then you can wind up accepting the behavior of deeply-deeply-flawed people – because you simply stopped believing that non-deeply-deeply-flawed people exist.

5. You’re too positive.

Too much positivity can get you into love trouble just as much as too much cynicism!

Surprised?

Here’s how!

If you’re a very positive person, then when you start to see red flags a-waving you might tell yourself very positive things like…

“I can change this quality in this person!”

“I can make the best of this challenging situation!”

“I can handle this red flag because I’m strong and I won’t let it get to me!”

6.  Terrible behavior is outside of your “mental framework.”

Basically, you’d never do something as crappy as the Red Flag Bearer is doing.

It’s thereby tough for you to process that someone is capable of doing something so crappy to you.

There’s a famous story that when Columbus first arrived to the new world, the natives could not see his ships, because the natives had never seen a boat before.

It took the natives a long time to process what they were seeing, because the concept of a “boat” was so foreign and surreal to them.

Similarly, there’s a chance you cannot see specific red flags because they’re completely outside of your “mental framework.”

In summary: Often people with good hearts just don’t see a bad heart coming.

https://www.notsalmon.com/2016/10/02/achilles-something/

Meet Yourself: A User's Guide to Building Self-Esteem: Niko Everett at TEDxYouth@BommerCanyon

Smash That Victim Mentality in 2 Steps

Cameron Diaz on cheating partners - The Graham Norton Show: Series 15 Episode 1 Preview - BBC One

Fidelity Series: The Sting of Emotional & Physical Cheating. By Alex Nunez

My Experience with Cheating

Awkward Texts

I stayed over at my long-term boyfriend Mark’s place to watch a movie with him. Suddenly, a text message appeared on his laptop screen while we were watching our film. “How’s your night going?”, said someone texting him from an unknown number. “It’s just a friend who works at the bar with me,” Mark tells me.

Mark had fallen asleep before the movie had ended. My curiosity had gotten the better of me, and I made my way onto that laptop and began checking his text conversations (yes Psych2Go readers, I’m aware this is a no-no). To my horror – though unfortunately not to my surprise – I found hookup text after hookup text after hookup text. Nude selfies of Mark that had never been sent to me littered the screen. “What are you into? Have any other pics?” “Hey, I have condoms.” “I’m here now.”

Heartbreak

I was infuriated. He was still asleep, should I punch him square in the face? Choke him to death? Leak his business onto social media? Before I had the chance to let my anger bubble completely to the surface, I found something else that broke my heart into pieces.

Mark’s friend Adam was, in fact, a co-worker. But he was no friend. He was a lover. I read romantic text after romantic text… “I had a great time with you tonight. I’ll remember that kiss forever.” My blind rage melted into piercing emotional pain. I left the evidence on Mark’s computer screen and I drove home without waking him up.

Physical Cheating

There’s no denying it, sexual – or physical – cheating is a hard pill to swallow for anyone. Breaking the commitment to a monogamous partner by having sex with someone else can change the social dynamic of your relationship – see THISarticle on the signs of cheating – for the worse. The worst of all? If you’re caught, it’s extremely difficult to regain your partner’s trust.

There are a number of reasons that could lead a partner to be sexually unfaithful. These may include:

• Sexual dissatisfaction in your relationship
  • Many people who are not satisfied by sex with their partner enter sexual affairs, hoping to gain better experiences.
• A desire to have more diverse sexual experiences
  • Some people wish to explore their sexuality outside of a monogamous relationship but wish to continue the one they’re already in. Others may have sexual preferences or fantasies they feel embarrassed to discuss with their partner and seek other people to help fulfill these wants.
• Seeking revenge for a partner’s wrongdoing or as a means to end the relationship
  • Rather than talk through their issues or end the relationship altogether, some people seek out new sexual partners to gain a response from their partners.

Each of these reasons stems from a lack of communication between partners in terms of what the cheater needs from the relationship. Some victims of cheating may not attractive enough for their partners. But it’s easier for many of us to put the entire fault on the cheater, who should have just been more upfront with us or perhaps could have even had a sexual addiction.

Either way, physical cheating is no easy thing to get over. But could getting over an emotional affair be worse?

Emotional Cheating

Who does it?

Emotional affairs occur when two people find and feed into a socio-romantic connection with each other. Those in emotional affairs commit date-type conduct that would only be appropriate between the perpetrator and their original partner. These things include:

• Making calls and texts to someone that you instinctively feel the need to hide
• Spending time alone with someone and never inviting your significant other to come along
• Confiding in another person to tell stories to and keep secrets with and not your partner
• Taking more time to and energy to focus on bonding with someone else and not your partner
• Giving romantic gestures like dinner dates and sentimental gifts to someone other than your partner

Why?

Yes, budding affairs can happen. A recent Washington Post article recounts the story of Jacklyn Collier, who had to take a step back from a relationship she was cultivating with a Facebook friend after realizing it was becoming a little less than appropriate. Sometimes, people have to realize there are sparks of an emotional affair at all before they decide they need to build some platonic boundaries.

There are, however, other intentions behind why people run off to find other lovers.

These include:

• Unhealthy attachment styles
  • While most of us have Secure attachment styles – meaning we are willing to give and receive intimacy and vulnerability – there are some people who have attachment styles that are not conducive to a healthy relationship.
  • Those with Anxious attachments love intimacy but worry constantly about abandonment. This paranoia can be exhausting, causing these people to drive their partners away.
  • Those with Avoidant attachments often show fear of true intimacy or commitment and may take great lengths to stop a relationship before it gets too serious.

The Cheated

Both forms of cheating can make anyone feel awful. They can make us feel worse when physical and emotional cheating happens together… and paired cheating is more common as a relationship ender than either form alone. But compared to physical cheating, why is emotional cheating such a dagger to the back?

• Emotional cheating involves romantic feelings
  • Unlike the one-and-done feeling of a hookup, emotional affairs can cause deep emotional pain because they often mean that your partner preferred the company and personality of someone else over you. It’s a painful thought to feel so inadequate as a significant other that the love of your life has gone off to find a better option.
• Your partner could blame you for their betrayal
  • Emotional cheating allows for your partner to use your faults as an excuse for their search for someone else. Perhaps they told you that your humor was too dry and they felt picked on by you, or maybe you were just too “clingy”. Maybe they’ve told you that you were holding them back from meeting their new, “true” love.
• It probably happened for longer than a sex affair
  • It’s possible for sexual affairs to be mistakes. Poorly thought out, irresponsible and selfish mistakes, but mistakes. Emotional affairs are more likely to play out for weeks, months or even years at a time. Once you’ve found out and put all the pieces together, you’ll be left wondering if your partner ever even loved you at all.
• It can take longer to get over an emotional cheater
  • Because of the purposeful nature of emotional cheating, you might feel inclined to never trust the word of any new potential dates for a while. The shock and post-trauma of an emotional betrayal can lead an individual to trust and intimacy issues.

They Cheated. So What Now?

Have no fear, dear reader. Love doesn’t have to die for you yet.

• Cry

  • Yes, feel bad! Feel sad! Feel angry! Give yourself time to process your emotions and mourn the loss of your relationship. Take a day to yourself and watch your favorite rom-coms and eat your comfort foods of choice.

• Spend time with loved ones

  • Find people you feel safe with and let them know what happened. As comforting as being on our own can feel, locking ourselves in our rooms for too long can actually promote loneliness and anxiety. Having a good support system will help uplift your mood, and serve as a reminder that there are people out there who don’t want to hurt you.

• Work on yourself

  • If your ex isn’t gonna love you right, someone needs to. Keep to your daily hygienic routines. Exercise. Do you not exercise? Start. Getting a daily dose of physical activity – it can be as low-impact as a 20-minute walk – and ensuring a cleanly appearance will help your body ward off a negative mood.

• Forgive

  • Yes, we all feel the instinct to take the low road and tweet some nasty words, or walk over to their new partner’s place and start a fight. Look, no one’s asking you to get back together with them. If you do, good for you. You’ll both have a long road to recovery ahead (but that’s for another article). But if you don’t, that’s okay too – give yourself closure by telling that person that though what they did was hurtful, you forgive them. You’ll feel like a better person than you would by cutting up all of their clothes.

• Question your own accountability

  • Not to victim blame, here. Cheating is no one’s fault but the cheater. No one made your ex run off and betray your trust instead of just approaching you with their needs and concerns. Nonetheless, it takes two to make a relationship work.
  • Ask yourself some important questions: Were you truly happy in that relationship to begin with? How was your communication in the relationship? Did you do what you could to ensure that your partner felt welcome to approach you with complaints or concerns? Or did you shut your partner down when they tried? We must keep these questions in the back of our heads in our next relationships to ensure that we are hearing our partners as much as we are being heard.

Yes, it’s extremely sucky feel the pain of cheating in a relationship. But it’s possible to move past an unhealthy relationship and learn from it, whether you’re the cheater or the cheated. Don’t give up!

https://psych2go.net/fidelity-series-the-sting-of-emotional-physical-cheating/