12 Expert Tips for Dating After a Divorce. BY DENISE SCHIPANI

Learn how to get back into the romance game after a major split.

 

Dating after divorce can be a minefield for the midlife woman. Perhaps even thornier than pondering what to wear on a date, where to go, who pays — not to mention how you even find people to date in this brave new world of Internet match-ups — is getting over your reluctance to take a stab at it. Why is it so hard?

"A divorced woman may feel very vulnerable at this stage, in part because she used to have a spouse to 'protect' her and now she has to go out into the world on her own," says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love. But it's also tough, she adds, because once you're on the dating scene you can feel like a teenager again, in that shaky, unconfident, not-sure-if-he'll-call sort of way.

So how can you make post-divorce dating — whether you're looking for a good time or a good (relationship-minded) man — less daunting? Read on for tips that will help you get back in Cupid's good graces.

1          FIGURE OUT IF YOU'RE READY.

Whether it's been one year or six since the divorce decree, you may never know with absolute clarity that you're ready for another relationship. Instead, "it's usually clear when you're not ready," says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist and author of Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce. That is, when the very idea turns you off. But once the idea of going on a date comes into your mind and you don't want to chase it out again, you're at least ready to start, she says. If it's truly awful, you can take a step back and wait some more.

2          FEEL THE FEAR — AND DO IT ANYWAY.

Contemplating the dating scene, many divorced women feel not just garden-variety nerves, but "actual terror," says Dr. Kirschner. Just remember that your fears are normal — after all, you're dealing with or have dealt with a major betrayal and upheaval — and that you don't have to jump all the way in. "Dip a toe in at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you're interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties."

3          AVOID NEGATIVE THINKING.

While it's not unheard of for a woman wounded by a painful divorce to make statements like "all men are jerks" or "all the good ones are taken," that's obviously not a good mindset to have going into dating, says Dr. Kirschner. "That kind of thinking can tank your mood — and cause you to limit your chances of getting out there and finding love." By forcing yourself to keep your negative thoughts in check, you'll soon be in the habit of thinking optimistically, which will in turn make you more ready to date again.

4          KNOW THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

A divorcée may also feel that there's something "wrong" with her since her marriage fell apart, says Dr. Kirschner. If that's the case, start training yourself now to recognize self-sabotaging thoughts, and when self-doubts start to pop up, "visualize a giant red stop sign, or a voice yelling, 'Stop!'" says Dr. Kirschner.

5          DETERMINE YOUR DATING INTENTION.

You've decided to start dating — isn't that your "intention" right there? Not completely, says Dr. Kirschner. "Sit down and craft a statement of what, exactly, you're after. Is it a partner in life? A short-term liaison that might lead to something? Just some fun for now? The idea is that you should consciously decide how you want to proceed," which will in turn inform how you go about meeting people.

6          RETHINK YOUR DEFINITION OF DATING.

 

Gadoua, who runs dating workshops for women, asks them to free-associate words that come to mind when they think of "dating." Not surprisingly, words like "awful" and "dreadful" come up. If you feel the same way, she offers this advice: "I suggest you try to reframe it as an adventure, or as an education," she says. "Dating can be a way to sharpen your social skills too." And, of course, a way to get out of the house and have some fun!

7          GET ONLINE.

Possibly, the last time you dated there wasn't even an Internet, much less Internet dating. But if you were thinking that searching for companionship online is strictly for losers or perverts, forget it — that's as outmoded as dial-up. "Online dating is not only mainstream, it's one of the best ways to widen your search, rather than just hoping that you'll meet someone in the coffee shop," says Dr. Kirschner. And these days, there's a site for everyone, from eHarmony and Match to niche sites like JDate. Check out our Guide to Online Dating to learn the basics including setting up a profile to taking a relationship offline.

8          DON'T DRAG OUT ONLINE CONTACT.

Once you "meet" someone online, Dr. Kirschner says it's easy to build up a fantasy of what he is like based on his profile and the emails you exchange. "My rule of thumb is to meet in person within two weeks of making online contact." Might as well find out as soon as you can if the chemistry is virtual — or real. Of course, when you do meet, take basic safety precautions. "Tell a friend where you'll be and when you expect to be home, and meet for coffee in a public place," suggests Dr. Kirschner.

9          REMEMBER THAT DATING IS A NUMBERS GAME.

"Four out of five men you go out with will disappear," says Dr. Kirschner bluntly. It's just the nature of the dating world. He may have seemed great, but loses interest, or is dating someone else, or has problems you will never know about. Don't take it personally, and instead try to remember that if you're meeting a lot of people, the number of bad apples will go up — but so will the odds that you'll meet a few good apples too.

10        DATE AROUND.

Dr. Kirschner recommends, to start by dating several guys at the same time. For a couple of reasons: First, you're not putting all your eggs — or hopes — into one basket. Second, you can compare what you like and don't like. Maybe one guy is very funny, but you enjoy another man's intellectual stimulation. "You can see what you might want in a relationship going forward," she says, even if it's not with any of these guys.

11        BUT BE HONEST.

While Dr. Kirschner fully supports seeing multiple people at one time when you first start dating, she does say there's one caveat: making sure everyone knows. "Just say, 'I'm enjoying dating you, but I want you to know that for now I'm also seeing others casually."

12        DON'T LET YOUR KIDS STOP YOU.

Hopefully it's obvious to you that if you have children at home, you shouldn't bring dates around unless it's somewhat serious. That said, don't let a fear of your children being upsetor disapproving stop you from getting out there if you feel ready to. "Too many women hide behind their kids as an excuse not to date," says Gadoua. Be up-front and respectful, but don't apologize for wanting to date. "Most children just want their parent to be happy, and may be less likely to object than you imagine," she says.

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/g2824/tips-for-dating-after-a-divorce/

How to Begin Again | Beverly Willett | TEDxSavannah

He Hurt You? 5 Simple Steps to Open Your Heart to Love Again... (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)

5 Great Reasons to Date a Divorced Man. By Marceline Joseph

What are the benefits of dating a divorced man? Other than the fact he has plenty of life experiences, read on to find out!

“I don’t see divorce as a failure. I see it as the end to a story. In a story, everything has an end and a beginning.” ~ Olga Kurylenko, French Actress

Yes, that’s what divorce can also be, a beginning; not at all necessary that it would only put an end to everything. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, ages and status, backgrounds and nationalities; so on and so forth. If we are to talk about the plight of divorced men and throw light on the perspective that highlights the aspect of coupling up with them, then a minimal answer to this otherwise debatable topic should be “hell yes!”

But no, that’s not how it would work out. You gotta have enough reasons to support such proclamations right?

Well, here’s all you may wish to read, know, learn, and be convinced about when it comes to dating a divorced man.

1. He is likely to be more family-friendly and compassionate

We tend to crave and value things that we either have a void for or have lost in our lives. For a divorced man, the most valuable thing he has lost in the past is a family, compassion, and togetherness.

It is likely that he would long for these elements and miss those days. Now that you are confused whether to date divorced a man who has got nothing more to lose in life, the answer is right there in front of you … “go ahead”.

2. Your man is beyond most of the “boyfriend” stereotypes

A divorced man has already been a boyfriend to someone, or at least a husband to a woman with whom things didn’t work well. That’s a different context though. But the point is mature, has seen his share of sunrises and sunsets and is, more than like, a ‘catch.’

A man who had been through calamities concerning his conjugal life and learned from his mistakes will bring to you a bundle of joy wrapped in his gesture, maturity and more responsible attitude – making your life an entire garden itself, filled with love in its truest sense.

3. He is likely to understand your needs better

Most of the time it’s not the materialistic gifts that invoke love and passion in us, but it’s the gift of compassion and care that we all crave for. However, we cannot force a partner to be this sensible all the time, could we? There’s no thrill in it. But you know what could be expected when dating a divorced man? A sensible attitude and responses made to fulfill the need for love and happiness.

The reason is simple; he has been through a roller coaster ride in his past. No book can educate men in understanding women unless it’s the woman herself. Now that he knows how to value a woman’s needs and distinguish them from the term “desire”, he’s going to keep you happy by understanding and responding to your needs which is much beyond a shopping or a movie date.

4. If he decides to marry for a second time, it’s likely to last for a lifetime

Marriage is no child’s play, and especially the second time around. A man who has failed to protect his first marriage is a man who would leave no stone unturned to ensure a conjugal life that lasts for a lifetime if he gets married again.

The reason is quite clear. If he has decided to get married for the second time it’s because he has learned from his past. He wouldn’t be taking the plunge again if he weren’t sure of himself and his ability to succeed a second time.

5. A divorced man is likely to debunk few myths, only to make you stronger

For example, he might just break a stereotype and dispel the most common myth of cupidity that says “love at first sight” or “yes, he is the one”. A divorced man willing to date is a real live example of how love cannot be confined or put into brackets. Isn’t it still better to have your myths broken and dispelled than your heart?

If you too are suffering heartbreak or have suffered it in the past, then being with a divorced man will help you explore things beyond first love and how this wonderful feeling can grow with each passing day – if you have the right partner by your side.

To wrap up: at the end of the day, it is you who will decide whether or not to date a divorced man. You will choose your kind of happiness. Life is like a storybook; just make sure that you are on the right page with someone who could help to build up the plot further. Good luck!

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Marceline Joseph is a psychiatrist and also an academic writer associated with Assignment Help Company. Not only a counselor and a writer, Marceline is also known to have a flair for composing short poems and stories for children.

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/reasons-to-date-a-divorced-man/#.WyJ6TAXQuwo.email

How to break up and move on

What am I up against?

It’s hard to let go of a relationship after investing so much of yourself into it. Very often you still feel connected to them, and it can even feel a bit like they are still a part of you in some way. So seeing your ex with someone else can sometimes feel incredibly painful.

How do I deal with it?

If they ended it

If you’re still emotionally attached when the relationship ends, you may find it hard to feel a sense of closure. This can make it really difficult to form new, quality relationships (Wilson, 2008). Understanding why the relationship ended and why it didn’t work out can help you let go of lingering feelings.

In the first instance, try asking your ex why they ended it. Allow them to speak and resist the temptation to defend yourself. Keep it light and explain from the outset that all you want from the conversation is closure. Ex-partners may feel that you want to meet as part of a ploy to reignite the relationship, so set it squarely and maybe ask to meet in a public place like a coffee shop to make your intentions clear.

Focus on the idea of a positive future relationship

One way to let go of an emotional attachment to an ex-partner is to focus on new relationship options. This doesn’t have to mean starting a new relationship – research suggests that just having a positive outlook on potential future relationships can help with reducing the attachment to previous partners.

Timing is quite crucial here; moving on before you gain closure could mean that your emotions are out of kilter. Sometimes after a relationship, you need a little time to rediscover your own identity.  If you aren’t yet happy in yourself, you may struggle to form a new partnership. However, if the time is right for you, considering potential romantic opportunities might be what you need to move on. One Canadian study found that “focussing on specific new relationship options can decrease attachment to an ex-partner for anxiously attached individuals” (Spielmann, MacDonald, & Wilson, 2009).

Take a break from online social networks

Before you can cope with the idea of your partner with someone else, you’re probably going to need a bit of time. If you can avoid seeing them in the meantime, then that’s going to serve you well. However, if your Facebook page and other social networks are going to keep shoving it in your face, then the temptation to scroll through your ex’s photos might prove too great. It may be worth blocking them for a while, or even taking a break from social networks for a few weeks. You can always reactivate your account once you feel ready.

https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/breakups/how-to-break-up-and-move-on/

Starting Over After Heartbreak

The Perks of Being Divorced. Explore the New You as One of the Perks of Being Divorced By Wendi Schuller

When in the throes of a difficult divorce, it is hard to imagine that life may get better. One is focusing on losses and not anticipating that there are some gains as well. The adage “every cloud has a silver lining” does ring true. Post-divorce, many of us discovered that there were more silver linings than storm clouds, and there are perks of being divorced.

One woman I interviewed, said that she is now “the CEO” of her house. She repainted, rearranged, and planted an extensive garden. Whatever she feels like doing (within her budget), she does it. When married, this woman had to run ideas by her autocratic spouse. Another person adopted a cat as soon as the divorce was finalized. Their former spouse had loathed felines. Men have echoed similar sentiments. They got back into sports, which was fun and resulted in a physically fit body.

Explore a New Career or Head out on Spontaneous Adventures Post-Divorce 

Post-divorce instead of focusing on loss, think of life as a change with new opportunities to reinvent yourself. A divorced friend said that she is “captain of her own ship.” For the first time, she feels that she is totally in charge of her life. Steer your course on unchartered waters – possibly by changing careers. Some of us have become writers and painters in our newly solo lives.

Instead of dwelling on the negatives, re-frame your thoughts to something more positive. I did not realize how drained I was during my marriage trying to please a hostile mother-in-law. The energy I exerted on her is put to better use post-divorce. My social life has expanded and I have time to volunteer. Think about relationships that consumed your time when married. Some of these individuals may be dropped and replaced with positive ones who are supportive.

Being in a troubled marriage can divert attention away from the children. As one of the perks of being divorced, I was able to get to know my sons on a deeper level in my more relaxed state. When trying to hold things together in my unhappy marriage, I only asked the boys superficial questions. Becoming closer to my sons before the empty nest occurred was the most important perk of my divorce.

Travel can be more spontaneous after a divorce when not having to match your time off from work with someone else. A few days ago, I met a divorced pal at a coffee shop. We talked about how one river cruise company was running a 2 for the price of 1 special with free airfare. Neither of us have been to Ukraine, and within a half hour we were all set to go on a river cruise around the Black Sea. This was a repeat from two years prior while sitting at that coffee shop, when we booked a river cruise through Germany. I do not have to check in with anyone else when making on the spot travel arrangements and grabbing bargain rates.

Perks of Being Divorced: Reconnect with Family

Yes, not having a double income is unsettling at times. My sons and I have attained wisdom after divorce and discovered that we do not need a lot of stuff or the latest technology. We prefer to buy minimally and savor experiences over material goods. Our priorities shifted. I have listened to so many stories from others about how divorce forced them to look into themselves and produce rewarding changes. Consider how your divorce can be a catalyst for making adjustments in your life and experience the perks of being divorced.

If you are struggling, consider putting in writing what you are grateful for post-divorce. Jot down how life is better, no matter if it is trivial. Being able to avoid cooking meals by picking up healthy take away has made it on some divorced people’s lists. Writing in a journal is therapeutic. One can look back and see how they have healed or made progress. If you see only negatives, that is what you will find. If you choose to look upon the bright side of life, that is what you will discover post-divorce.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/the-perks-of-being-divorced/

How to fix a broken heart | Guy Winch

Dating After Divorce: Being Too Needy Is a Relationship Killer

https://divorcedmoms.com/excessive-possessiveness-dont-take-it-into-your-postdivorce-dating-life/

A friend was relaying a story of his 29-year-old son’s dating life. His son was having a hard time meeting young ladies who weren’t needy or clingy. My friend suggested his son date women 3-5 years older. His thinking, older, more experienced women would be more self-assured and less clingy.

His son met a woman who is 32 and they begin to date. Within two weeks this older, more mature woman was texting him repeatedly during the day. Texting or calling on the weekend asking where he was and why they weren’t together.

Needless to say, the relationship ended within a month and from what I understand this young woman thought my friend’s son was being unreasonable when he expected her to not text and call him at work.

There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in a relationship, especially with someone you consider or wish to be your lover and partner. But vulnerability must be a two-way street. Relationships work when both partners can count on each other and the power dynamic is more or less equal. When one or the other is too needy or clingy, relationships don’t last long.

Being too needy is a relationship killer. What can you do to keep from killing relationships?

Be an Adult: Respect your partner the way you expect to be respected and treated. If he needs space sometimes, find the strength to give it to him.

Give Space: If you have an issue with a person who is not a great talker, then strike when the iron is cold. He may be open to a discussion when you are both less regressed and angry and the atmosphere is more relaxed. So, just because you feel the need to talk doesn’t mean you have to talk RIGHT NOW. Heavy conversation go better when both parties are open to engaging.

Get Therapy: If you are needy and in love, look closely at your family of origin which may have been a source of hurt that is being triggered now that you’ve entered the field of intimacy. He can’t fix your wound, only you can.

Watch Out for Depression and Anxiety: Depression and anxiety are more common than you may realize and can interfere with stable thinking. Both can injure your self-esteem and make you needy — and both can be treated; it can only help your relationship.

Your Partner May Be Part of the Problem: Most relationship issues are created by two people. Does he have narcissistic tendencies that make you feel second best? Or, perhaps, he’s simply not into you, and it is time to grieve this relationship. Facing hard facts is often better than feeling tortured day in and day out.

Abuse is not Acceptable: If your partner is physically, verbally or sexually abusive, you must get help and find safety. Your neediness may be part of a dependency that gives him terrible power over you. Under these circumstances, you will probably need outside help. Get it.

The Good News: Most neediness is small and annoying, not life-threatening. If you are in a terribly malignant relationship, get out. But, if your partner is more or less normal, neediness can be a burden that he simply can’t handle.

If you are willing to save your relationship, acknowledge that your excessive possessiveness is detrimental to the relationship. Seeking the appropriate professional help can help guide you onto the right track to save your relationship or marriage.

Do your personal work. Give space. And, love him for his needs as well as yours.

It may just work out.

Why I Admire Gwyneth’s 'Give It A Go' Attitude To Her Second Marriage by Rachel Taylor

After the “conscious uncoupling” (i.e. separating) announcement a few years ago, we are probably quick to cringe at Gwyneth Paltrow’s choice of words. So, when last week she said she was going to “give [marriage] a go” again, maybe we rolled our eyes a bit and thought the words told us everything we needed to know about typical celebrity flippant-ness towards the union.

But I don’t think anyone approaches marriage without a big, heavy dose of seriousness. Starting with the tens of thousands invested in the wedding itself and followed by the hardly unambitious goal of living happily ever after, it couldn’t be much more loaded.

So, if like me, you know what it feels like to embark on a second marriage, you might think that “give it a go” instills a bit of refreshing lightness into proceedings - and that, in my view, is heartily helpful for anyone starting again.

Why?

First of all, “give it a go” means having the courage to try – and fail - again

Gwyneth has spoken about overcoming feelings of failure resulting from her divorce. Any marriage - celebrity or not - that doesn’t work out feels like very public failure. Most of us don’t have to endure having our marriage breakdown discussed online, but we still feel that everyone (from the school gate acquaintances to your parents’ friends and distant relatives) is talking about it and speculating on what went wrong.

And that’s all just amplified when you do it a second time. I remember a twice-divorced friend ruefully telling me to be “sure” when I embarked on No. 2, because “people forgive you your first divorce, but the second is definitely you”. Unfortunately those words, and knowing that many would brand me a failure, only made me resist for far too long the difficult truth that I had to leave my second husband.

Second, “give it a go” is realistic

While we may be older and wiser, sadly the odds of “not-first” marriages lasting are against us, with an estimated 67% of second and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce.

There are lots of reasons why. For a start, children (usually from a first marriage) create glue and a shared bond. One of the saddest things about a divorce is that you no longer have someone to share your limitless (and often pretty boring to others) interest in your children. This unconditional love (and the inevitable time and attention involved) is a complicated rift to navigate with a new partner because it is so hard for them not to feel excluded.

Another thing is that while an early marriage sees us growing up and moulding together, when we are older compromise is less easy. Prue Leith, for example, has spoken about how she favours living separately (usually not financially an option but one that many of us can see the attraction of) from her second husband so that she can live the way she wants to and doesn’t have to put up with his “clobber”.

Third, “give it a go” acknowledges that we don’t know what life will throw at us

I hope Gwyneth’s second shot at marriage goes well but if it doesn’t, it may well be little to do with “her” or “him” and be simply because difficult stuff happens in life. Disability is one of the things that makes divorce more likely. Redundancy (not likely, I know, to hit Gwyneth) can also increase the odds of divorce. These things are out of our control but put massive pressure on a relationship through absolutely no fault of our own.

Despite all this, I take inspiration from of friend of mine’s mother who, now in her mid-80s, finally found lasting happiness in her fourth marriage with a man she met on the internet ten years ago. If she hadn’t kept “giving it a go”, she would be alone and lonely. Instead, to the joy of her children, she is happier than she has ever been.

I haven’t given up on love and hope one day to be married again and if I do, I’ll be going into it with Gwyneth’s realistic words ringing joyfully in my ears. And that, I think, will be giving it the best chance of success.https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/why-i-admire-gwyneths-give-it-a-go-attitude-to-her-second-marriage_uk_5a5c9e2be4b003efadb6afa6?utm_hp_ref=uk-marriage

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again BY LUCAS MCCORD

10 Ways To Get Over Your Divorce And Become Whole Again

JULY 05, 2018

BY LUCAS MCCORDhttps://divorcedmoms.com/10-ways-to-get-over-your-divorce-and-become-whole-again/

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If you don’t get over your divorce you carry the same issues from your marriage into any post-divorce relationships.

I spoke with a Coaching client last week who is working her way through her third divorce. We were on the phone for an hour and she spent forty-five minutes talking about problems she had experienced in her first marriage. Problems which happen to be the same problems she is experiencing in her third marriage. If you don’t get over your divorce, guess what, you’ll find yourself like this woman…carrying the same problems into every relationship you have post-divorce.

She will soon have three ex-husbands that she still ruminates over, blames for her inability to have a successful marriage and spends an excessive amount of time talking about with anyone who will listen.

Why is her head still stuck in her three failed marriages? Because she didn’t do the work she needed to do after her first divorce before jumping into her second and third marriage. She believes that love and marriage will solve her problems when all she is doing is taking those problems into each of her subsequent marriages.

My client didn’t get over her first divorce which only led to more divorces. To keep you from making the same mistake, I encourage you to do the work needed to get over your divorce before jumping back into another relationship and marriage.

Everyone who ends a marriage will grieve the emotional investment they had in that marriage. They will grieve the loss of plans, hopes, and dreams they had with their spouse and for their future. Some experience that grieving process before the divorce, some are left to deal with the grieving after the marriage is over.

Wherever one finds themselves in the grieving process, it’s important to move through it in order to move forward with life and become whole, emotionally, financially, mentally and spiritually.

How does one get over a divorce in a healthy manner? See below:

10 Ways to Get Over Your Divorce and Become Whole Again

1. Controlled Communication

It’s probably best to avoid communication with an ex, if possible. If you have children, that won’t be possible so, when communicating focus on keeping the communication emotionally safe. If you must discuss child-related issues, stick to talking only about child-related issues. If you didn’t want the divorce and are hoping for a reconciliation, it’s important for your own emotional wellbeing to keep any communication strictly business.

2. Let Go of Unhelpful Thinking Patterns

It’s normal after a divorce to wander off into “woulda coulda shoulda” type thinking. Thinking about whether the marriage could have been saved only keeps you stuck and unable to move forward with your life. Indulging in “what ifs” and thinking about how things could’ve been will not help you cope with the reality of your divorce. Thinking about things that could have happened but never will happen is a waste of time and emotional energy. That kind of thinking promotes longings for something you can’t have, regret over something that is over and done with and more emotional pain that you don’t need.

3. Behave Yourself!

Sometimes divorce can make us behave in ways we normally wouldn’t and that can get nasty, quite quickly. Don’t badmouth your ex, don’t call them over the phone and express your anger, don’t use the children to punish your ex, don’t play mind games with child support and visitation. Anger is a difficult emotion for anyone to deal with and unfortunately, it’s a common emotion experienced after a divorce.

Fight the urge to misbehave. Screaming and shouting rarely makes an ex want to have a civil relationship with you. Name calling and finger pointing will make you look immature and irrational. If you need to scream and shout, do it alone or in the company of a close friend who you can trust to keep it to themselves. And, if you can’t get a handle on your anger, get into therapy so it can be worked through.

Have some pride and hold yourself to standards that would never allow you to let anger get the best of you.

4. Stay Away from People Who Don’t Promote Healing and Moving On

Surround yourself with people who are positive and willing to call you out on thinking and behaviors that hold you back from getting over your divorce. Steer clear of negative people who enjoy stirring the pot and encouraging your negative feelings. It’s natural to want to vent to those who will cheer you on and support your point of view BUT even though they feel they are giving you what you need, they are actually keeping you from focusing your energy elsewhere and in a more positive manner.

Spend time with friends and family that offer support and positivity, warmth and comfort. Those who will help you feel good about yourself, where you are in life and guide you in a direction that promotes growth and not stagnation.

5. Talk About Something Other than Your Divorce

Vent if you feel the need but know when enough is enough. Constant talking and thinking about your divorce saturates your mind and before long there will be room for nothing but negative thinking in your head. That can lead to feelings of depression and being overly emotional.

When it comes to getting over a divorce, your head and what goes through your head is your greatest tool. If you drown your brain with constant negative thoughts about your divorce, you’ll find yourself going down for the third time and unable to recover and move on.

Give yourself a certain amount of time daily to talk and think about your divorce. The rest of the day distract yourself with positive thoughts and activities. It’s making room for the good stuff in your head that will encourage healing after a divorce.

6. Don’t Drink Away Your Grief

Alcohol numbs, it doesn’t heal. Drinking to numb the pain of a divorce can have serious effects on your mood, your behavior, and your overall wellbeing. Drinking is an easy way to avoid the pain you’re in but, it will only extend the grieving process and stall the moving on process.

7. Evict Thoughts of Your Ex from Your Head

You had a daily relationship with your ex. Even if you wanted the divorce it can take time to stop thinking about your ex. Wondering how they are and what they are doing will be normal thoughts that go through your head. If you didn’t want the divorce such thoughts may become obsessive for you. You’ve been forced to let go of a relationship you wanted to hold onto, it’s only natural that part of your grieving process will be focusing on your ex’s whereabouts, who they are with, how they are spending their time.

It’s important that you remain aware that an obsessive need to keep up with your ex will lead you into harmful and painful territory. Letting go of a relationship you’d rather be nurturing is one of the hardest things any of us is called upon to do. If you’re going to get over your loss and move forward in a positive manner with your life, you need to let go of the need to keep tabs on and constantly think about your ex.

8. Allow Yourself to Feel

Divorce brings with it difficult emotions. You will feel sadness, anger, confusion, fear, anxiety and many other negative emotions attached to divorce. It’s natural to want those emotions to go away and for you to do whatever you feel will soothe them.

It’s important to feel and work through these negative emotions. The biggest mistake you can make is to bury negative emotions or put a band-aid over them. Divorce puts us all in a vulnerable position emotionally. Don’t fear that vulnerability, embrace it and work through it by expressing your feelings in a healthy manner. Talk to a friend, family member or therapist about how you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, acknowledge them and in time they will fade.

9. Stay Away from Places That Were Special to You Two

To get over your divorce you want to avoid anything that will cause added pain. Visiting a restaurant that you two spent your first anniversary will bring up memories that can be painful. Seeing a movie at the same theater you two frequented may cause discomfort due to reminders of your ex. Consider places you two shared time together off limits until you can go there and it no longer hurts.

10. Focus on You!

Last but most important, focus on you, your immediate needs and your future. No one moves forward if their head and heart are stuck in the past. No one benefits personally if they don’t focus on their emotional and physical needs first.

Be sure you are eating and exercising properly. Daily, take the time to set goals for yourself. Goals that focus on what you want and need out of life going forward. Take the needed steps to meet those goals. Life doesn’t end with a divorce. In twenty years, you don’t want to look back and think to yourself, “I wasted years of my life when I didn’t accept and get over that divorce.”

Smile daily, work at personal growth and learning new relationship skills. Get rid of reminders of your ex in your home that evoke negative memories, treat yourself with patience and kindness. And, move forward rebuilding a life that promotes pride and contentment.

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash