12 Expert Tips for Dating After a Divorce. BY DENISE SCHIPANI

Learn how to get back into the romance game after a major split.

 

Dating after divorce can be a minefield for the midlife woman. Perhaps even thornier than pondering what to wear on a date, where to go, who pays — not to mention how you even find people to date in this brave new world of Internet match-ups — is getting over your reluctance to take a stab at it. Why is it so hard?

"A divorced woman may feel very vulnerable at this stage, in part because she used to have a spouse to 'protect' her and now she has to go out into the world on her own," says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love. But it's also tough, she adds, because once you're on the dating scene you can feel like a teenager again, in that shaky, unconfident, not-sure-if-he'll-call sort of way.

So how can you make post-divorce dating — whether you're looking for a good time or a good (relationship-minded) man — less daunting? Read on for tips that will help you get back in Cupid's good graces.

1          FIGURE OUT IF YOU'RE READY.

Whether it's been one year or six since the divorce decree, you may never know with absolute clarity that you're ready for another relationship. Instead, "it's usually clear when you're not ready," says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist and author of Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce. That is, when the very idea turns you off. But once the idea of going on a date comes into your mind and you don't want to chase it out again, you're at least ready to start, she says. If it's truly awful, you can take a step back and wait some more.

2          FEEL THE FEAR — AND DO IT ANYWAY.

Contemplating the dating scene, many divorced women feel not just garden-variety nerves, but "actual terror," says Dr. Kirschner. Just remember that your fears are normal — after all, you're dealing with or have dealt with a major betrayal and upheaval — and that you don't have to jump all the way in. "Dip a toe in at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you're interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties."

3          AVOID NEGATIVE THINKING.

While it's not unheard of for a woman wounded by a painful divorce to make statements like "all men are jerks" or "all the good ones are taken," that's obviously not a good mindset to have going into dating, says Dr. Kirschner. "That kind of thinking can tank your mood — and cause you to limit your chances of getting out there and finding love." By forcing yourself to keep your negative thoughts in check, you'll soon be in the habit of thinking optimistically, which will in turn make you more ready to date again.

4          KNOW THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

A divorcée may also feel that there's something "wrong" with her since her marriage fell apart, says Dr. Kirschner. If that's the case, start training yourself now to recognize self-sabotaging thoughts, and when self-doubts start to pop up, "visualize a giant red stop sign, or a voice yelling, 'Stop!'" says Dr. Kirschner.

5          DETERMINE YOUR DATING INTENTION.

You've decided to start dating — isn't that your "intention" right there? Not completely, says Dr. Kirschner. "Sit down and craft a statement of what, exactly, you're after. Is it a partner in life? A short-term liaison that might lead to something? Just some fun for now? The idea is that you should consciously decide how you want to proceed," which will in turn inform how you go about meeting people.

6          RETHINK YOUR DEFINITION OF DATING.

 

Gadoua, who runs dating workshops for women, asks them to free-associate words that come to mind when they think of "dating." Not surprisingly, words like "awful" and "dreadful" come up. If you feel the same way, she offers this advice: "I suggest you try to reframe it as an adventure, or as an education," she says. "Dating can be a way to sharpen your social skills too." And, of course, a way to get out of the house and have some fun!

7          GET ONLINE.

Possibly, the last time you dated there wasn't even an Internet, much less Internet dating. But if you were thinking that searching for companionship online is strictly for losers or perverts, forget it — that's as outmoded as dial-up. "Online dating is not only mainstream, it's one of the best ways to widen your search, rather than just hoping that you'll meet someone in the coffee shop," says Dr. Kirschner. And these days, there's a site for everyone, from eHarmony and Match to niche sites like JDate. Check out our Guide to Online Dating to learn the basics including setting up a profile to taking a relationship offline.

8          DON'T DRAG OUT ONLINE CONTACT.

Once you "meet" someone online, Dr. Kirschner says it's easy to build up a fantasy of what he is like based on his profile and the emails you exchange. "My rule of thumb is to meet in person within two weeks of making online contact." Might as well find out as soon as you can if the chemistry is virtual — or real. Of course, when you do meet, take basic safety precautions. "Tell a friend where you'll be and when you expect to be home, and meet for coffee in a public place," suggests Dr. Kirschner.

9          REMEMBER THAT DATING IS A NUMBERS GAME.

"Four out of five men you go out with will disappear," says Dr. Kirschner bluntly. It's just the nature of the dating world. He may have seemed great, but loses interest, or is dating someone else, or has problems you will never know about. Don't take it personally, and instead try to remember that if you're meeting a lot of people, the number of bad apples will go up — but so will the odds that you'll meet a few good apples too.

10        DATE AROUND.

Dr. Kirschner recommends, to start by dating several guys at the same time. For a couple of reasons: First, you're not putting all your eggs — or hopes — into one basket. Second, you can compare what you like and don't like. Maybe one guy is very funny, but you enjoy another man's intellectual stimulation. "You can see what you might want in a relationship going forward," she says, even if it's not with any of these guys.

11        BUT BE HONEST.

While Dr. Kirschner fully supports seeing multiple people at one time when you first start dating, she does say there's one caveat: making sure everyone knows. "Just say, 'I'm enjoying dating you, but I want you to know that for now I'm also seeing others casually."

12        DON'T LET YOUR KIDS STOP YOU.

Hopefully it's obvious to you that if you have children at home, you shouldn't bring dates around unless it's somewhat serious. That said, don't let a fear of your children being upsetor disapproving stop you from getting out there if you feel ready to. "Too many women hide behind their kids as an excuse not to date," says Gadoua. Be up-front and respectful, but don't apologize for wanting to date. "Most children just want their parent to be happy, and may be less likely to object than you imagine," she says.

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/g2824/tips-for-dating-after-a-divorce/

The psychology of seduction | Raj Persaud | TEDxUniversityofBristol

Tony Robbins - how To Create a Strong intimate Relationship and Improve your Love Life

5 Great Reasons to Date a Divorced Man. By Marceline Joseph

What are the benefits of dating a divorced man? Other than the fact he has plenty of life experiences, read on to find out!

“I don’t see divorce as a failure. I see it as the end to a story. In a story, everything has an end and a beginning.” ~ Olga Kurylenko, French Actress

Yes, that’s what divorce can also be, a beginning; not at all necessary that it would only put an end to everything. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, ages and status, backgrounds and nationalities; so on and so forth. If we are to talk about the plight of divorced men and throw light on the perspective that highlights the aspect of coupling up with them, then a minimal answer to this otherwise debatable topic should be “hell yes!”

But no, that’s not how it would work out. You gotta have enough reasons to support such proclamations right?

Well, here’s all you may wish to read, know, learn, and be convinced about when it comes to dating a divorced man.

1. He is likely to be more family-friendly and compassionate

We tend to crave and value things that we either have a void for or have lost in our lives. For a divorced man, the most valuable thing he has lost in the past is a family, compassion, and togetherness.

It is likely that he would long for these elements and miss those days. Now that you are confused whether to date divorced a man who has got nothing more to lose in life, the answer is right there in front of you … “go ahead”.

2. Your man is beyond most of the “boyfriend” stereotypes

A divorced man has already been a boyfriend to someone, or at least a husband to a woman with whom things didn’t work well. That’s a different context though. But the point is mature, has seen his share of sunrises and sunsets and is, more than like, a ‘catch.’

A man who had been through calamities concerning his conjugal life and learned from his mistakes will bring to you a bundle of joy wrapped in his gesture, maturity and more responsible attitude – making your life an entire garden itself, filled with love in its truest sense.

3. He is likely to understand your needs better

Most of the time it’s not the materialistic gifts that invoke love and passion in us, but it’s the gift of compassion and care that we all crave for. However, we cannot force a partner to be this sensible all the time, could we? There’s no thrill in it. But you know what could be expected when dating a divorced man? A sensible attitude and responses made to fulfill the need for love and happiness.

The reason is simple; he has been through a roller coaster ride in his past. No book can educate men in understanding women unless it’s the woman herself. Now that he knows how to value a woman’s needs and distinguish them from the term “desire”, he’s going to keep you happy by understanding and responding to your needs which is much beyond a shopping or a movie date.

4. If he decides to marry for a second time, it’s likely to last for a lifetime

Marriage is no child’s play, and especially the second time around. A man who has failed to protect his first marriage is a man who would leave no stone unturned to ensure a conjugal life that lasts for a lifetime if he gets married again.

The reason is quite clear. If he has decided to get married for the second time it’s because he has learned from his past. He wouldn’t be taking the plunge again if he weren’t sure of himself and his ability to succeed a second time.

5. A divorced man is likely to debunk few myths, only to make you stronger

For example, he might just break a stereotype and dispel the most common myth of cupidity that says “love at first sight” or “yes, he is the one”. A divorced man willing to date is a real live example of how love cannot be confined or put into brackets. Isn’t it still better to have your myths broken and dispelled than your heart?

If you too are suffering heartbreak or have suffered it in the past, then being with a divorced man will help you explore things beyond first love and how this wonderful feeling can grow with each passing day – if you have the right partner by your side.

To wrap up: at the end of the day, it is you who will decide whether or not to date a divorced man. You will choose your kind of happiness. Life is like a storybook; just make sure that you are on the right page with someone who could help to build up the plot further. Good luck!

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Marceline Joseph is a psychiatrist and also an academic writer associated with Assignment Help Company. Not only a counselor and a writer, Marceline is also known to have a flair for composing short poems and stories for children.

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/reasons-to-date-a-divorced-man/#.WyJ6TAXQuwo.email

6 REASONS YOU’RE VULNERABLE TO NOT SEEING RED FLAGS IN LOVE!

If you feel like you are wearing a kick me sign on your heart, if might be because you have 5 vulnerabilities – which get in your way of noticing red flags! Read on…

There was a time (a long, long time ago) that I used to be colorblind to red flags.

Even red banners!

Eventually I developed tools to spot a red flag a-waving – even when it showed up as merely a red hankee.

How?  I took time to explore the root of my “Red Flag Colorblindness,” and determined that a combo of 6 vulnerabilities were at fault.

If you’ve been blind to red flags, here are 6 potential reasons why!

1. You have a “blinding” desire for marriage.

You know how it’s not a good idea to text while you’re walking? After all, you’re not focused on what’s right smack in front of you – like that woman walking her poodle or that big steel pole.

Similarly, you can become blind to red flags when you’re experiencing a “blinding desire” for finding a relationship.

Maybe all your friends are getting married.

Maybe you feel pressure from your parents or coworkers.

Maybe you’ve just found out your ex is all happily coupled up – and you’re now unstoppably determined to cozy up to someone too.

 Unfortunately when you have your eyes focused on your “end game,” you can’t be on top of your dating game.

Basically, it’s hard to clearly see the person in front of you, when your eyes are obsessively focused on a wedding finish line.

2. You have an achilles heel.

You know the expression “achilles heel”?

It originates from the Greek mythological hero Achilles – and it’s in reference to a weakness someone has – which can become their ultimate downfall.

Unfortunately many of us have “achilles heels” when it comes to relationships.

They can show up as …

an “Achilles Uterus” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about wanting a baby and your biological clock is ticking)

an “Achilles Wallet” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about money)

an “Achilles Toosh” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your weight)

“Achilles Wrinkles” (if you’re feeling vulnerable about your age)

Basically, if you’re feeling insecure about an aspect of yourself, this can create self-worth issues.

The lower your self worth, the lower the bar you’ll be setting for finding a partner.

As a result, slimy snaky partners can limbo under your low-bar and slip themselves into your heart!

3. Your “comfort zone” is a “dis-comfort zone.”

Meaning?

If you grew up in a home where love came with anxiety and pain, then you might feel most comfortable with love coming with anxiety and pain.

Basically, your limiting beliefs about love can wind up limiting your happiness.

BIG CLUE: If you find yourself constantly asking friends, “Is this normal?” then you might be suspect for having a “comfort zone” which double-duties as a “dis-comfort zone.”

4. You’re living by the concept: “In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.”

Back when I suffered from “Red Flag Colorblindness,” I was willing to settle for the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner”- and not hold out for a “two-eyed partner.”

NOTE: I don’t mean to be politically incorrect with this quirky metaphor of a one-eyed partner.

I’m simply trying to find a funny way to say that I was willing to settle for a partner who was deeply-deeply-flawed – because I’d become cynical about believing in the existence of a non-deeply-deeply-flawed partner.

I kept rationalizing a partner’s bad behavior – because I just thought the metaphorical equivalent of a “one-eyed partner” was the best that was out there.

I’d tell myself things like, “Oh well, at least this guy’s got one eye. These days many guys don’t even have one eye! “

Again, apologies if you find this metaphor politically incorrect! I’m just saying that if you’re super cynical about love, then you can wind up accepting the behavior of deeply-deeply-flawed people – because you simply stopped believing that non-deeply-deeply-flawed people exist.

5. You’re too positive.

Too much positivity can get you into love trouble just as much as too much cynicism!

Surprised?

Here’s how!

If you’re a very positive person, then when you start to see red flags a-waving you might tell yourself very positive things like…

“I can change this quality in this person!”

“I can make the best of this challenging situation!”

“I can handle this red flag because I’m strong and I won’t let it get to me!”

6.  Terrible behavior is outside of your “mental framework.”

Basically, you’d never do something as crappy as the Red Flag Bearer is doing.

It’s thereby tough for you to process that someone is capable of doing something so crappy to you.

There’s a famous story that when Columbus first arrived to the new world, the natives could not see his ships, because the natives had never seen a boat before.

It took the natives a long time to process what they were seeing, because the concept of a “boat” was so foreign and surreal to them.

Similarly, there’s a chance you cannot see specific red flags because they’re completely outside of your “mental framework.”

In summary: Often people with good hearts just don’t see a bad heart coming.

https://www.notsalmon.com/2016/10/02/achilles-something/

Starting Over After Heartbreak

Dating After Divorce: Being Too Needy Is a Relationship Killer

https://divorcedmoms.com/excessive-possessiveness-dont-take-it-into-your-postdivorce-dating-life/

A friend was relaying a story of his 29-year-old son’s dating life. His son was having a hard time meeting young ladies who weren’t needy or clingy. My friend suggested his son date women 3-5 years older. His thinking, older, more experienced women would be more self-assured and less clingy.

His son met a woman who is 32 and they begin to date. Within two weeks this older, more mature woman was texting him repeatedly during the day. Texting or calling on the weekend asking where he was and why they weren’t together.

Needless to say, the relationship ended within a month and from what I understand this young woman thought my friend’s son was being unreasonable when he expected her to not text and call him at work.

There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in a relationship, especially with someone you consider or wish to be your lover and partner. But vulnerability must be a two-way street. Relationships work when both partners can count on each other and the power dynamic is more or less equal. When one or the other is too needy or clingy, relationships don’t last long.

Being too needy is a relationship killer. What can you do to keep from killing relationships?

Be an Adult: Respect your partner the way you expect to be respected and treated. If he needs space sometimes, find the strength to give it to him.

Give Space: If you have an issue with a person who is not a great talker, then strike when the iron is cold. He may be open to a discussion when you are both less regressed and angry and the atmosphere is more relaxed. So, just because you feel the need to talk doesn’t mean you have to talk RIGHT NOW. Heavy conversation go better when both parties are open to engaging.

Get Therapy: If you are needy and in love, look closely at your family of origin which may have been a source of hurt that is being triggered now that you’ve entered the field of intimacy. He can’t fix your wound, only you can.

Watch Out for Depression and Anxiety: Depression and anxiety are more common than you may realize and can interfere with stable thinking. Both can injure your self-esteem and make you needy — and both can be treated; it can only help your relationship.

Your Partner May Be Part of the Problem: Most relationship issues are created by two people. Does he have narcissistic tendencies that make you feel second best? Or, perhaps, he’s simply not into you, and it is time to grieve this relationship. Facing hard facts is often better than feeling tortured day in and day out.

Abuse is not Acceptable: If your partner is physically, verbally or sexually abusive, you must get help and find safety. Your neediness may be part of a dependency that gives him terrible power over you. Under these circumstances, you will probably need outside help. Get it.

The Good News: Most neediness is small and annoying, not life-threatening. If you are in a terribly malignant relationship, get out. But, if your partner is more or less normal, neediness can be a burden that he simply can’t handle.

If you are willing to save your relationship, acknowledge that your excessive possessiveness is detrimental to the relationship. Seeking the appropriate professional help can help guide you onto the right track to save your relationship or marriage.

Do your personal work. Give space. And, love him for his needs as well as yours.

It may just work out.

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