12 Expert Tips for Dating After a Divorce. BY DENISE SCHIPANI

Learn how to get back into the romance game after a major split.

 

Dating after divorce can be a minefield for the midlife woman. Perhaps even thornier than pondering what to wear on a date, where to go, who pays — not to mention how you even find people to date in this brave new world of Internet match-ups — is getting over your reluctance to take a stab at it. Why is it so hard?

"A divorced woman may feel very vulnerable at this stage, in part because she used to have a spouse to 'protect' her and now she has to go out into the world on her own," says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love. But it's also tough, she adds, because once you're on the dating scene you can feel like a teenager again, in that shaky, unconfident, not-sure-if-he'll-call sort of way.

So how can you make post-divorce dating — whether you're looking for a good time or a good (relationship-minded) man — less daunting? Read on for tips that will help you get back in Cupid's good graces.

1          FIGURE OUT IF YOU'RE READY.

Whether it's been one year or six since the divorce decree, you may never know with absolute clarity that you're ready for another relationship. Instead, "it's usually clear when you're not ready," says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist and author of Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce. That is, when the very idea turns you off. But once the idea of going on a date comes into your mind and you don't want to chase it out again, you're at least ready to start, she says. If it's truly awful, you can take a step back and wait some more.

2          FEEL THE FEAR — AND DO IT ANYWAY.

Contemplating the dating scene, many divorced women feel not just garden-variety nerves, but "actual terror," says Dr. Kirschner. Just remember that your fears are normal — after all, you're dealing with or have dealt with a major betrayal and upheaval — and that you don't have to jump all the way in. "Dip a toe in at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you're interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties."

3          AVOID NEGATIVE THINKING.

While it's not unheard of for a woman wounded by a painful divorce to make statements like "all men are jerks" or "all the good ones are taken," that's obviously not a good mindset to have going into dating, says Dr. Kirschner. "That kind of thinking can tank your mood — and cause you to limit your chances of getting out there and finding love." By forcing yourself to keep your negative thoughts in check, you'll soon be in the habit of thinking optimistically, which will in turn make you more ready to date again.

4          KNOW THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

A divorcée may also feel that there's something "wrong" with her since her marriage fell apart, says Dr. Kirschner. If that's the case, start training yourself now to recognize self-sabotaging thoughts, and when self-doubts start to pop up, "visualize a giant red stop sign, or a voice yelling, 'Stop!'" says Dr. Kirschner.

5          DETERMINE YOUR DATING INTENTION.

You've decided to start dating — isn't that your "intention" right there? Not completely, says Dr. Kirschner. "Sit down and craft a statement of what, exactly, you're after. Is it a partner in life? A short-term liaison that might lead to something? Just some fun for now? The idea is that you should consciously decide how you want to proceed," which will in turn inform how you go about meeting people.

6          RETHINK YOUR DEFINITION OF DATING.

 

Gadoua, who runs dating workshops for women, asks them to free-associate words that come to mind when they think of "dating." Not surprisingly, words like "awful" and "dreadful" come up. If you feel the same way, she offers this advice: "I suggest you try to reframe it as an adventure, or as an education," she says. "Dating can be a way to sharpen your social skills too." And, of course, a way to get out of the house and have some fun!

7          GET ONLINE.

Possibly, the last time you dated there wasn't even an Internet, much less Internet dating. But if you were thinking that searching for companionship online is strictly for losers or perverts, forget it — that's as outmoded as dial-up. "Online dating is not only mainstream, it's one of the best ways to widen your search, rather than just hoping that you'll meet someone in the coffee shop," says Dr. Kirschner. And these days, there's a site for everyone, from eHarmony and Match to niche sites like JDate. Check out our Guide to Online Dating to learn the basics including setting up a profile to taking a relationship offline.

8          DON'T DRAG OUT ONLINE CONTACT.

Once you "meet" someone online, Dr. Kirschner says it's easy to build up a fantasy of what he is like based on his profile and the emails you exchange. "My rule of thumb is to meet in person within two weeks of making online contact." Might as well find out as soon as you can if the chemistry is virtual — or real. Of course, when you do meet, take basic safety precautions. "Tell a friend where you'll be and when you expect to be home, and meet for coffee in a public place," suggests Dr. Kirschner.

9          REMEMBER THAT DATING IS A NUMBERS GAME.

"Four out of five men you go out with will disappear," says Dr. Kirschner bluntly. It's just the nature of the dating world. He may have seemed great, but loses interest, or is dating someone else, or has problems you will never know about. Don't take it personally, and instead try to remember that if you're meeting a lot of people, the number of bad apples will go up — but so will the odds that you'll meet a few good apples too.

10        DATE AROUND.

Dr. Kirschner recommends, to start by dating several guys at the same time. For a couple of reasons: First, you're not putting all your eggs — or hopes — into one basket. Second, you can compare what you like and don't like. Maybe one guy is very funny, but you enjoy another man's intellectual stimulation. "You can see what you might want in a relationship going forward," she says, even if it's not with any of these guys.

11        BUT BE HONEST.

While Dr. Kirschner fully supports seeing multiple people at one time when you first start dating, she does say there's one caveat: making sure everyone knows. "Just say, 'I'm enjoying dating you, but I want you to know that for now I'm also seeing others casually."

12        DON'T LET YOUR KIDS STOP YOU.

Hopefully it's obvious to you that if you have children at home, you shouldn't bring dates around unless it's somewhat serious. That said, don't let a fear of your children being upsetor disapproving stop you from getting out there if you feel ready to. "Too many women hide behind their kids as an excuse not to date," says Gadoua. Be up-front and respectful, but don't apologize for wanting to date. "Most children just want their parent to be happy, and may be less likely to object than you imagine," she says.

https://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/g2824/tips-for-dating-after-a-divorce/

Happiness is all in your mind: Gen Kelsang Nyema at TEDxGreenville 2014

The Case For 'No Shame' Divorce. By Jessica Richards

Divorce is painful, but the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process.

How relationships work is always evolving. Marriage has changed a lot since the 1970s but unfortunately, divorce laws in England and Wales have not caught up. 

While no one expects their marriage to end in divorce, it happens to around 100,000 couples each year (according to ONS). All go through a legal process that causes shame and anxiety, during one of the most stressful events life can throw at them. Our old-fashioned divorce laws are failing us and they need a reform.

For the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of divorce law based on the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. A divorcing couple are treated as two separate parties even if the split is by mutual agreement. One is the petitioner (requesting the divorce) and one is the respondent (acknowledging the request).

The petitioner has to give a reason why the marriage is over. There is a choice of five reasons: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, separation (two years) or separation (five years). These reasons come with complex conditions. For example, desertion only applies if one party has left the other for two years in the last 2.5. Gov.uk is the best place to find the full details. 

Many people who go through divorce simply want to move on with their lives. But to get a divorce before two years of separation has passed, the petitioner must prove that the respondent is to blame. The only two reasons they can give in this case are adultery or unreasonable behaviour. They must provide evidence of what their spouse did and how they felt about it. In over half of divorce cases, unreasonable behaviour is the reason given.

Tini Owens recently lost a case to divorce her husband on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. To get to this point, she had to share details of her personal life and describe how the situation made her feel “unloved, isolated and alone.” The judge then concluded that her unhappiness was not an acceptable justification to end the marriage. She is being forced to stay married, sentenced to more misery. Her autonomy is being denied. 

We’ve all seen behaviour in other people’s relationships that is either awful or no big deal to us. But who are we to judge? How can anyone judge how another should feel about behaviour they haven’t experienced? Even an actual judge.  

During my own divorce, I felt lost and hopeless for a while. Navigating the legal process was a barrier to healing and getting my life back on track. Supplying private details of my marriage for an unknown person to judge caused yet more heartache. It felt shaming. There were many abandoned attempts before I finally worked up the courage to face the process without the aid of expensive lawyers. Then months of limbo as I waited for the resolution and the permission to move forward. The confirmation I had suffered enough.

Why should the joy and happiness in a marriage be up to us to share or keep private, whilst the difficult times and ways we hurt each other have to be on the record if we divorce? It doesn’t make sense that even though we decide a marriage was over, that isn’t enough. It is as if by failing at the sacred institute of marriage, our decision making can no longer be trusted. An out-dated patriarchal perspective that has no place in modern life.

In 2017 Professor Liz Trinder of the University of Exeter published a comprehensive study of divorce law. Results showed the impact of what she calls our “often painful, and sometimes destructive, legal ritual”. Reasons given for divorces were often inaccurate because people were scared of them being rejected. Forcing couples to attribute blame increased the level of bitterness in many breakups. This often affected children by making it more difficult for financial and access arrangements to be agreed post-divorce.

Trinder said: “In the twenty-first century, the state cannot, and should not, seek to decide whether someone’s marriage has broken down.” Her report provided essential recommendations for reform which are under review. 

In conclusion, divorce is painful. But the law shouldn’t make it harder. Let’s remove the shame and rethink the process. Allow for mutually agreed divorces without a minimum separation period. Treat people as adults who can choose to enter into divorce as they chose to enter into marriage. The no shame divorce is a 21st Century adult right.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-case-for-no-shame-divorce_uk_5b76a79de4b0ef9091f95ac1

How to Release Fear. Gabrielle Bernstein

Recovering From Divorce. By Jay Williams

Recovering from divorce? Here are 3 things you need to do.

Moving on from a divorce is never easy; the recovery process is always testing and time-consuming. Indeed, it can take months or, in some cases, even years before people start to feel anywhere near like they’re getting back to their best. Indeed, there’s no set time, no deadline, for recovery. It’s a gradual process punctuated by good days, bad days, days where you feel numb and days when you don’t want to get out of bed. Emotions of all kinds will come and go; your general mood will oscillate and more. In time, though, you will feel better.

Whilst you’re in the midst of recovering, however, these three things will make the process a lot easier:

1.       Learn to let things go

This will sound cliched but holding on to negative feelings – particularly those relating to your former spouse – is certain to halt the recovery process. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s a vital life skill and, trust me, once you’ve learnt how to let go, you’ll realise just how much it’s going to help you recover and move on.

There’s a famous quote, often attributed to Buddha (though this is widely disputed), that goes: “holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die” and it perfectly exemplifies why learning to let go is so important: if you don’t, you’ll be hurting no one but yourself.

2.       Be kind to yourself

We’ve all made mistakes and, sometimes, we need to spend a little bit of time thinking about them to ensure that a lesson’s learnt. All too often, though, we take this too far: chastising and beating ourselves up when, if we saw a friend or even acquaintance doing the same thing to themselves, we’d tell them that they were needlessly beating themselves up.

Yes, it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but the mistake’s already been made, and lessons have already been learned. Make a conscious effort to be kind to yourself: do things you enjoy, treat yourself to a few things you’ve always wanted and focus on your positive qualities.

3.       Embrace distraction  

It’s normal to want to hide away at home when we’re not feeling 100%. Staying away from social events and the like can seem sensible, often because we’re feeling underconfident and therefore don’t want to spend time with or even around others. Getting out and about is vital to your recovery, however, not just because it’ll help you regain your confidence, but will also result in you having less time to ruminate.

When we’re finding things difficult, time to think can be extremely detrimental. We tend to assume the worst and this can lead to feelings of hopelessness. By keeping ourselves busy, our minds are occupied making such harmful thoughts significantly less likely. What’s more, by investing time in our friends or at the gym, there are other obvious benefits too.

Author bio:

Jay Williams works for Quickie Divorce, and online business providing low-cost divorce solutions to people throughout the UK.

Owning Alone: conquering your fear of being solo: Teresa Rodriguez at TEDxWilmington

Is This True Love? by Randi Gunther Ph.D.

How do you really know when you’ve found your true love?

During my forty years as a couple’s therapist, many of my relationship-seeking patients have asked me this question when they meet someone special.  
  
In watching literally hundreds of relationships unfold, I believe that I can answer that question with relative accuracy. I understand what early feelings and behaviors most often predict when a new relationship will transform into long-lasting, true love. Of course, feelings of love can be more urgent in youth, and people tend to be more wary as life progresses, but new couples are new couples at every stage of life. No matter when or how they meet, some people do experience clearly magical connections very early on in a relationship that predict long-term commitment and devotion.

I’ve asked my long-lasting true-love couples what they remember when they met the person who became their long-lasting love. I believe that those early experiences are often the litmus test of whether a relationship has the potential to develop into true love. I’ve had the opportunity to observe new couples who definitely have had those experiences and many are still deeply in love after spending years together. They all shared nine similar experiences very early in their relationship that helped them know that they’d found their soul mates.  

1. Surprise
   As people navigate their way through dating experiences, they are likely to have pre-set expectations of the early moments. Though most hope that each new relationship might be “the one,” they internally don’t expect that to happen. As a result, they develop patterns of interaction that have worked relatively well in the past, and approach each new relationship ready to re-enact them.
   When a relationship has the potential for long-term devotion, my couples tell me that they felt that their early connection didn’t follow the usual pattern. Each responded differently than they expected and in ways that were immediately intriguing. They had a sense of surprise that felt off-kilter in a special kind of way. Things weren’t going in a predictable and comfortable direction, but the new path felt different in a positive way.
   “I saw her walk in the door and she looked interesting, but that had happened to me many times before and I didn’t trust my first responses to any new person anymore. I decided to get closer anyway, just to make the evening worthwhile. At first, she didn’t seem interested, but I persisted because something felt different in an odd sort of way. We started talking and, within a short time, this weird feeling started to come over me, like I was kind of out-of-body. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, because it was nothing I’d felt before. I kept wondering what this girl was doing that was making me feel different. It’s hard to put it into words, even after all this time, but I can tell you, I wasn’t the same. I couldn’t have told you that night, but, in looking back, I was already in love.”
2. Intrigue
   Everyone starts a new relationship with some kind of physical attraction. That’s natural. But intrigue is different. There’s a unique kind of interest in the way that potential partner moves, or the sound of his or her voice. People tell me that they just wanted the other person to keep talking, connecting, and staying, like they couldn’t get enough of the experience and didn’t know why. They felt their interest and desire to connect growing from the moment they started connecting.
   “I saw him first from the back. He was listening intently to another girl but not like someone who was just looking for sex. More like genuinely interested in who she was. His stance was, I don’t know, just kind. I loved the tilt of his head so I moved a little closer, hoping to get a better feel for what I was experiencing. When I could see and hear him better, something inside of me started to purr. Maybe someone else wouldn’t feel that way, but I just knew that I had to know who was inside that person. 
   I did something I’ve never done before. I noticed what he was drinking, and got him another like it at the bar. When he broke from the conversation with the other girl, I handed it to him. He started laughingand told me he’d absolutely never been approached that way before. I told him I’d never approached anyone that way before. Then I started laughing. The warmth between us was palpable, and I’d only known him for three minutes.”
3. Timelessness
   Most people are acutely aware and too reliant upon how they are controlled by time. What happened in the past, what is happening now, and what might happen in the future are often omni-present concerns in most people’s minds. Past mistakes and future concerns dominate most people’s search for an intimate partner and they know that correct timing is essential. They plan how to approach a potential partner, when to make a move, and how and when to navigate the next step. They know that too fast an approach can push a person away, but so can too much passivity. 
   My couples who found true love tell me that one of the first things they noticed when they met each other was that time and timing just didn’t come into play. They truly remember that time did stand still.
   “I’d usually moved pretty fast in the past. I didn’t want to waste time with a woman who wasn’t exciting to look at, or quickly held my attention. I guess you would have described me as urgent about not making any more mistakes and being able to get out of a relationship soon if it didn’t work out right away. I’ll never forget the afternoon I met Jeannie. She was having coffee with some friends at Starbucks. I just kept looking at her until she started laughing and asked me if I was on drugs. We started talking and my old patterns just didn’t kick in. My need to rapidly access the potential just disappeared. As dumb as that sounds, it felt as if time stood still, like I didn’t want what I was feeling to end. I think I would have waited forever for her to be in my life.”
4. Quickened
   The intense drive of sexual attraction is part of every new relationship but there are additional feelings when true, long-lasting love is a possibility. The sense of being alive is felt simultaneously and in every cell in the body. The heart feels as if it is opening, the mind is engaged, the senses are awakened, and a feeling of transcendence often emerges. 
   Couples who have stayed in love for a long time tell me that both of them felt as if something were transforming inside of them, a kind of awakening they had not often felt before, like they made an energy together neither had known in the same way before.   
   “It was a fix-up date so I really didn’t expect anything, except two of my good friends arranged it so I knew I wouldn’t be totally disappointed, whoever he turned out to be. I had no idea that what happened could have ever happened. He gave me a great hug when I first walked into the restaurant and then kind of pushed me back a little and laughed like someone who had just been given a present. At first I didn’t even know what or how to feel, but something came over me I’d never felt before, like being given a shot of adrenalin and a tranquilizer at the same time, totally calm but unbelievably alive. I knew that something special was happening but I had no idea how special it would turn out to be.”
5. Fear
   In the beginning of a new relationship, most people try hard to limit their investment. Though they don’t want to be hurt or disappointed, they don’t expect to win the lottery. “Nothing ventured; nothing lost, seems to be a good beginning. 
   Though those feelings of unsureness and anxiousness can make anyone a little apprehensive, most relationship-seekers continue searching despite them. They expect that fear of loss is supposed to accompany every new venture, but persist nevertheless.
   If a new relationship has the capability of long-lasting love, that apprehensive feeling has a distinctly different flavor. Many of my couples have described those early responses as something like being on the edge of a cliff and wondering if they could fly. They just could not give up the chance to hold on to what they were experiencing, no matter what happened. 
   “My friends had watched me for years, handling each relationship with the same confident air of a person who doesn’t get too close to anyone. I’d been burned in the past and I routinely handled my dates from a non-risk perspective. I had great times with a lot of women, but never seriously considered sticking around with anyone. Fearless and over-protective, I was totally comfortable in my style. Then Natalie showed up in my life. We worked together for a few weeks and she didn’t seem interested. As I got to know her, I had this strange feeling. I was getting very, very interested in this person, and I was, like, scared. Not scared of winning, more scared of losing, like I wouldn’t be able to bear it if she went away. Every day made the fear stronger and the desire even more so. When she told me she wanted to know me better, I felt like crying.”
6. Certainty
   Many new lovers feel overwhelmed and obsessed with each other. Those feelings are typical of a beginning romance when two people are newly physically attracted. They can’t get enough of each other and spend long hours building and satisfying those feelings. If the sexual relationship is compatible in terms of frequency and depth, most would feel very certain that things were off to a good start.
   The feelings of certainty in a potentially long-term relationship are different from the very beginning of more typical relationships. Though they include mutual attraction, there is much more. My long-term couples tell me that they felt almost immediately grounded, quiet, and serious, totally convicted that they would end up together. It was as if fate had intervened, telling them that their unbelievable connection was real and they could trust its promise.
   “I’d dated a lot of men, some great, some not so. I really wasn’t looking to get long-term serious but not rejecting the idea if it happened someday. My first reaction to Ned was very physical. He was beautiful to look at and moved in a way that excited me. We dated a few times before we went to bed and the physical connection was good. But something happened after he fell asleep. I was looking at him and my heart wouldn’t settle down. I started wondering what it would be like to never leave him. I told myself, ‘seriously, after a month? What’s wrong with you?’ It didn’t matter. He woke up and looked at me: ‘You’re special, you know.’ That was it.”
7. Authenticity
   Most people present themselves in new relationships as the best package they think the other partner might want. They regularly withhold anything about themselves that might challenge the potential of the relationship’s getting better. They understandably reason that they’ll know more as they feel more secure. 
   In relationships that harbor the potential of true love, people almost immediately feel the desire to confess and share everything about themselves, whether negative or positive. They just don’t want to hold anything back. They feel immediately courageous, wanting to know and be known, no matter what the outcome.
   “I’d been around the block a few times, and I knew how to posture pretty well in new relationships so that the woman would want to keep dating if I liked her. I had it down and it worked pretty well every time. I usually was the one to get tired of the relationship, and didn’t mind the occasional times I got dropped before I was ready. I’d improve the act and get out there again. Then this crazy, emotional girl showed up in my life. She was incredibly present and marvelously quirky. We talked twelve straight hours the first night we were together. I found myself telling her every important thing that had ever happened to me, including stupid stuff. She laughed everywhere she was supposed to and cried when I did. I felt the weight of my old patterns lift off of me, and I never wanted to go back to being that hidden guy again.”
8. Synergy
   Compatibility is a must in every good relationship, but synergy is something more. It’s great to dance easily with another, but creating new dances as you go is a whole other world. Many people are a good teamand complete each other’s dreams and desires. But couples who are synergistic do more than add to each other’s lives. Together, they are more than the sum of their individual parts. They become, in each other’s presence, more than either of them could have ever become alone or with anyone else.
   “I’d accomplished a lot in my life. I felt good about the package I had to offer, and had pretty high expectations of any guy I was going to partner with. Most of them just didn’t measure up, even though I knew we could probably compensate where the other wasn’t as strong. But I never felt it was a good enough match to commit and I was totally fine being single. Enter Jason. Old camera; brand new picture. All of a sudden I found myself excited about my own potential in ways I’d never experienced before. We not only clicked, we expanded. I felt unabated discovery. We just got more and more interesting to ourselves, and to each other. It’s never changed.”
9. Home
   Many people have told me, as they navigated the dating world, how much they feel like a transient, a traveler in a foreign world, without knowing where they’re going or when they’ll find out. The smorgasbord of possible partners and the myriad of disappointments can be overwhelming to anyone. Most relationship-seeking people are far from the comforts of their origins and feel the understandable ache to know if they will ever find a person who loves them in the same way. So many of my couples who have found their true loves have talked to me about how they felt when they first met when they felt their search was over.
   “I knew that our first few dates felt different, but I didn’t quite know how to deal with what was going on in my mind, and my heart. The more time I spent with her, the more I started to feel this incredible feeling of peace. My troubles seemed suddenly lighter and my dreams seemed more and more possible. It was like finding parts of me that I’d lost. Somehow, with her in my life, I could build something that I couldn’t have seen or known before. I still couldn’t put it into words until my best friend did it for me. ‘Hey, Brad. You sound like you’re home.’ He was right.”

Many new couples start out believing they are having some of these experiences, only to find out that they somehow didn’t keep happening. Those are understandable disappointments. But every partnership has a better chance when the people within them feel early on that they are real and won’t go away. Long-lasting love doesn’t give in to the typical challenges that end most relationships. It grows stronger when it is threatened. The partners who feel the thoughts and emotions shared above at the beginning of their relationships know that those experiences are sacred and rare. They guard them with everything they have, unwilling to lose what they have finally found. Ruptures are opportunities to do things better, sorrows are openings for sharing sadness, and honoring each other’s core selves is never lost.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201601/is-true-love