Is 'Semi-Separating' The New Divorce? by Sara Davison

You may have read my comments in the Daily Telegraph on Monday about a new way of breaking up which has been growing steadily in popularity, albeit under the radar. It's been termed "semi-separating'.

This is when a marriage is coming to an end but the couple decide not to leave the marital home and remain living together under the same roof.

It may seem a strange concept but there are many different reasons for staying in the same home after a breakup, which include:

• Uncertainty as to whether breaking up is the right decision
• Financial reasons
• The couple have children and don't want to break up the family environment
• Lifestyle choice
• Fear of change and of the unknown future apart
• The home is part of the family business and cannot be sold without damaging consequences

Often there is a slow and natural drifting apart that takes place as the relationship comes to an end. There are three stages in the semi-separating process before the final decision to divorce is made.

Stage 1: The couple take separate bedrooms. This is easily explained to the children by saying that Dad snores or Mum has to get up early to for work. It gives the couple each their own personal space which can help to alleviate tensions.

Stage 2: The couple alternate weekend child care responsibility. This means that they will each spend time alone with the kids at weekends. One parent will often be out or stay away when it's their weekend off.

Stage 3: The couple will no longer eat together in the evenings and will live separate lives during the week too.

There are some advantages to semi-separating as it can be a helpful and informative process:

• It makes a divorce easier for the kids as they become used to spending time alone with each parent and having quality time alone with each of them.
• It helps the couple get used to single parenting and often boosts confidence in their own abilities as parents.
• It allows both adults to get used to the idea and avoids rushing into divorce and having regrets.

However, there are some cases where semi-separating would not be a healthy option. For example, if the relationship is so bad that the home environment is toxic to live in. I am a big believer that divorce does not have to damage kids but it does very much depend on the parents' behaviour. If children are subjected to arguments and lots of tension there is a good case for a clean quick break.

Also, on going disagreements between the couple can damage their own potential for a healthy friendship and co-parenting relationship further down the line. Semi-separating may not be a wise option if:

• You are in an abusive relationship
• The children are exposed to a toxic environment and arguments
• Your confidence and self esteem is being eroded daily

In these cases a total separation would be a healthier option and protect both yourself and the children from any further damage.

Every breakup is different and there is not one solution that will work for every couple. Take some time to think carefully about what is best for your situation and don't be afraid to ask for advice from an expert if you need it.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/is-semiseparating-the-new_b_15379652.html?utm_hp_ref=uk-breakups

Why These Legendary Actresses Opted Out of Marriage | The Oprah Winfrey Show | Oprah Winfrey Network

Blended Families After Divorce - The Challenges Of Fairness And Jealousy by Toby Hazlewood

Part of my speech at my second wedding was targeted at four kids amongst the guests; two of mine from my first marriage, and two of my wife’s from hers. I expressed our heartfelt gratitude to them for being so understanding, accommodating and flexible in sharing their parents with another adult, and for welcoming new step-siblings into their lives. Without their acceptance of the relationship, the marriage simply wouldn’t have gone ahead.

When my wife and I started dating we were very careful not to involve our kids in the situation too soon. Of course we were both aware that each other had kids who demanded significant amounts of our time and attention. The relationship was for the two of us first and foremost, and neither of us was searching for a step-parent for our kids. It made sense to take our time and see how it developed.

As things evolved and a long term future together seemed a possibility, thoughts of course turned to introducing each other to our kids. This still came over a year after we first met. Roll forward a few years and we’ve now been happily married for over three years, and the kids are now 18, 14, 13 and 10. My two are the eldest, and the 13-year-old is the only boy.

The structure of our blended family is complex, bordering on chaotic;I co-parent mine equally with their mum, whereas hers see their dad every other weekend. The different parenting arrangements mean our joint family time is limited to occasional weekends and the odd week during school holidays. As a blended family we’ve not had the wholesale melding of two families, two homes and two sets of rules. Nonetheless, there have been challenges along the way, and in a bid to help (or even just offer solace) to others in a similar situation, I wanted to share some of these now.

1) No matter the lengths you go to, jealousy will still rear its head. We’ve gone out of our way to act fairly and equitably towards each other’s kids but jealousy is still a factor, if only behind the scenes. I suspect that my youngest daughter feels supplanted as the ‘baby’ of the family with the arrival of two younger kids, which I guess is understandable. Then there’s the ‘stuff’. Materially, each gets the same treats, proportionate allowance, funding for school trips, hobbies and sports, but there are still complaints over perceived preferential treatment. Expenditure on birthday and Christmas gifts is carefully tracked to ensure equity and yet they all express feeling hard-done-by at times. Some battles just can’t be won. Perception prevails over reality.

2) Jealousy doesn’t just affect the kids. Both my wife and I came into our marriage knowing we were each devoted and committed to our kids first and foremost. In spite of this, I still feel pangs of jealousy when her kids compete for her attention over me. Frequent phone-calls from my eldest daughter also tend to cause a raised eyebrow from my wife when they threaten to interrupt our kid-free time. It’s hard as an adult to admit feeling jealous of a child, but it’s a struggle of blended family life.

3) Fairness in punishment and discipline is an art-form. The natural tendency is to be unduly harsh on our own kids and overly-biased in favour of the step-kids, thereby side-stepping the role of wicked step-father or mother. I still struggle with this after years as a blended family. I’ve been rightly called out on it by my own kids for favouring hers and being unduly hard on them. My wife has observed the same. I also feel my protective instincts rising when my wife chastises my kids. The challenge is akin to managing two kids who each accuse you of having a favourite. The only difference is there’s way more potential bitterness and recrimination at stake.

4) Combining two families with two sets of rules is HARD – Two sets of kids, two sets of rules and two different ways of life are hard to bring together seamlessly in a second-time marriage. I’m pedantic, a nit-picker and a stickler for tidiness and order, whereas my wife is more laissez-faire and happy to go with the flow. The two sets of standards reflect in the things we ask of our kids and the expectations we have of them. I find myself biting my lip when I want to exert influence over her kids and enforce my standards, whereas my kids envy hers for being given more freedom and leeway. While we’ve certainly moved towards a conjoined approach and a hybrid set of rules, it still causes issues from time to time when I’m deemed the uptight disciplinarian.

The challenges are of course completely offset by the benefits of the set-up. The middle-two kids share many interests (sports and online gaming, mainly) and being the closest in age tend to get along well. The eldest is a good role-model for all the others (when she can drop the façade of cool, demanded of an 18-year-old); the youngest child idolises her. Arguments and fall-outs among them are rare to almost non-existent. The biggest difficulties (such as they are) are those that occasionally get aired behind the scenes by the kids, and between me and my wife as we try manage the challenges of creating the happy blended family we aspire to.

Like many aspects of life in a second marriage, things aren’t always easy. As long as we maintain the pragmatism that life to now has equipped us with, along with a determination to live as a happy and loving family, then I’m sure that little can stand in our way.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/blended-families-after-divorce-the-challenges-of_uk_5b163332e4b0428ea75a058d?utm_hp_ref=uk-divorce

Introducing Uncoupled

In the last few years, we have been through relationship breakups of our own.  We became ‘Uncoupled’.  Even though we were the ones who ended our relationships, we discovered that this by no means makes it an easy experience. And harder for the one who was left, with the news often coming as a shock and no time to mentally prepare.

Although it took us both a very long time to make our decisions, and thus we were mentally ready to a degree, we sometimes felt isolated during the undecided and unsettling phase while we were still in the relationship and through the reality of the aftermath. Family and friends could only provide advice to a point; after all, they are not best placed to provide unbiased, objective advice. And let’s face it, if friends haven’t been through it, they don’t always get it (sorry friends!). In fact, I never told my family and most of my friends until several months after the split had happened as I feared the reactions could be too overwhelming. I wasn’t ready to face the inevitable uncomfortable questions and constant enquiries as to my wellbeing that would ensue.

Once the decision was made, and after having the inevitable ‘it’s over’ conversations, (with ex and then with children), the sense of relief was huge.  We were very lucky as we found each other during that time which helped us through the emotional fallout.  Ironically, it is what brought us together as friends. It is true that for every ending there’s a new beginning...

There was so much to think about, not least to try to make the home situation and arrangements as stable as possible for the kids.  Not to mention trying to start over again as a newly separated parent, with new routines, and spending time alone again for the first time in 20+ years during child free days.  Not wanting to remain single, I also knew the inevitable dating scene beckoned too. And dating?! OMG…

We both trawled the internet for help and ideas for newly separated women and found that we were more or less unsupported and alone. We had both used Relate Counselling before and during the split, but they are really there to help mend a failing relationship rather than guide you through the uncoupling of one. What we found was a plethora of dating sites, newspaper articles, legal firms dealing with divorce, single parent support sites, fashion for older women or help with the menopause! A few American sites were helpful but we wanted something UK based. Of course, there are lots of self-help books and chatting to a friend or co-worker on an ad hoc basis helps.

But as busy working mums, we needed a one stop shop where where we could connect with other women who had been through the pre, during and post-split dilemmas we were going through.  Somewhere to find advice, practical ideas, inspiration and sometimes simply offload. But predominantly we wanted to focus on the positives and moving on. We hear many comments such as ‘all men are the same’ or ‘all men are b*******’, however, as many of us are raising sons, is this really a healthy attitude?  This is not a good view of men to promote to our daughters either.  Let’s not forget that there are plenty of men who have been unfairly treated by women.

The estimated percentage of marriages ending in divorce, (according to the Office of National Statistics in the UK), is 42%. This doesn’t account for long-term cohabiting couples, (of which I was one), who separate.  It doesn’t seem right that such a significant section of society seems to be neglected. We deserve more! This is not just the end of a relationship, which is a huge life event in itself, it is also a significant and often difficult life transition for many of us. However, it is also a new world of opportunities and the beginning of an exciting chapter in your life. We want to embrace the largely forgotten group who have found themselves ‘Uncoupled’ whether they chose that new life or not.   

You are no longer alone; we have created UNCOUPLED just for YOU 😊