Friday, August 3, 2018
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Dating After Divorce: Being Too Needy Is a Relationship Killer
https://divorcedmoms.com/excessive-possessiveness-dont-take-it-into-your-postdivorce-dating-life/
A friend was relaying a story of his 29-year-old son’s dating life. His son was having a hard time meeting young ladies who weren’t needy or clingy. My friend suggested his son date women 3-5 years older. His thinking, older, more experienced women would be more self-assured and less clingy.
His son met a woman who is 32 and they begin to date. Within two weeks this older, more mature woman was texting him repeatedly during the day. Texting or calling on the weekend asking where he was and why they weren’t together.
Needless to say, the relationship ended within a month and from what I understand this young woman thought my friend’s son was being unreasonable when he expected her to not text and call him at work.
There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable in a relationship, especially with someone you consider or wish to be your lover and partner. But vulnerability must be a two-way street. Relationships work when both partners can count on each other and the power dynamic is more or less equal. When one or the other is too needy or clingy, relationships don’t last long.
Being too needy is a relationship killer. What can you do to keep from killing relationships?
Be an Adult: Respect your partner the way you expect to be respected and treated. If he needs space sometimes, find the strength to give it to him.
Give Space: If you have an issue with a person who is not a great talker, then strike when the iron is cold. He may be open to a discussion when you are both less regressed and angry and the atmosphere is more relaxed. So, just because you feel the need to talk doesn’t mean you have to talk RIGHT NOW. Heavy conversation go better when both parties are open to engaging.
Get Therapy: If you are needy and in love, look closely at your family of origin which may have been a source of hurt that is being triggered now that you’ve entered the field of intimacy. He can’t fix your wound, only you can.
Watch Out for Depression and Anxiety: Depression and anxiety are more common than you may realize and can interfere with stable thinking. Both can injure your self-esteem and make you needy — and both can be treated; it can only help your relationship.
Your Partner May Be Part of the Problem: Most relationship issues are created by two people. Does he have narcissistic tendencies that make you feel second best? Or, perhaps, he’s simply not into you, and it is time to grieve this relationship. Facing hard facts is often better than feeling tortured day in and day out.
Abuse is not Acceptable: If your partner is physically, verbally or sexually abusive, you must get help and find safety. Your neediness may be part of a dependency that gives him terrible power over you. Under these circumstances, you will probably need outside help. Get it.
The Good News: Most neediness is small and annoying, not life-threatening. If you are in a terribly malignant relationship, get out. But, if your partner is more or less normal, neediness can be a burden that he simply can’t handle.
If you are willing to save your relationship, acknowledge that your excessive possessiveness is detrimental to the relationship. Seeking the appropriate professional help can help guide you onto the right track to save your relationship or marriage.
Do your personal work. Give space. And, love him for his needs as well as yours.
It may just work out.
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
Retired and getting divorced? These are the extra pitfalls you need to know about
The
number of people divorcing in retirement has risen in recent years, but this
group needs to be aware of a litany of financial pitfalls as they divide a
lifetime’s worth of assets.
Figures from the Office for National Statistics show that
between 2005 and 2015, the most recent full year for which data is available,
the number of women over the age of 65 getting divorced rose by almost 20pc,
from 4,654 to 5,554. The number of men of retirement age getting divorced
increased from 8,059 to 8,697, an 8pc rise, over the same period.
The ONS put the rise down to older people being “more connected,
economically and socially, than they were before”. Internet dating and people
continuing to work beyond the age of 65, and so being able to support
themselves, are thought to be the other reasons for the increase.
But those who divorce in retirement today will have more
entwined finances than those who divorce at a younger age – partly because they
have spent more time together, but also because of generational differences
that typically saw more non-working women in households previously.
Large pension pots, state pension entitlements, splitting large
properties and inheritance tax bills are just some of the pitfalls to look out
for, on top of the usual financial wrangling of divorce.
Split the pension pot?
“Generally, older people will have more money in their pension
pots,” said Mary Waring of Wealth for Women, a financial advice firm that
specialises in divorce cases. She said the issue was complicated by the fact
that many couples reaching the age of 65 today will consist of a husband who
worked, and probably has a valuable final salary pension, and a wife who did
not work.
Pension assets can be split in three ways: the whole fund can be
handed to one person, with the other spouse getting something of equivalent
value from among the couple’s other assets; it can be “earmarked”, meaning that
when money starts to be taken from the pension it is split between the spouses;
or the pot can be split, known as “pension sharing”.
Jon Greer, head of retirement policy at Old Mutual Wealth, said
there were disadvantages with “earmarking” that had made it less popular in
recent years.
“For example, the pension
scheme member gets to decide when to start drawing retirement benefits and the
ex-spouse has no control over when this occurs. If the member dies the
ex-spouse may receive nothing or receive less than they expected,” he said.
Ms Waring said it was often better to split the pension pot,
rather than one party getting the entire pension and another receiving cash
savings or the house.
“If the husband has a
large pot it may really be in his interest to do a pension share, as it may be
such a large pot that it will take him over the lifetime allowance,” she
said.
The “lifetime allowance” is £1m and any pension over this amount
will be subject to a tax charge. However, if a pension pot of £1.5m, say, is
split equally between the two spouses, the tax liability disappears.
Ms Waring said an overlooked area in these agreements was the
cost of sharing the pension and any financial advice needed to invest the
pension after it is transferred to the wife, which should always be included in
any settlement.
Final salary pensions normally continue to be paid to a
surviving spouse, but this benefit is lost on divorce. Anna Sofat of Addidi
Wealth, an advisory firm, said she had had clients who were separated but chose
not to divorce so that the wife received these benefits on the husband’s
death.
“Another issue is the
state pension, which is often not looked at in divorce,” said Ms Waring.
Individuals must have 35 years of National Insurance credits to be entitled to
the full state pension of around £8,000 a year. For every year they are below
this they lose one 35th of their entitlement.
“If the wife is a
non-earner, and stopped work at a reasonably early age, the chances are she
will not have 35 years of NI credits,” said Ms Waring.
“I say to all women to
get a pension forecast before divorce, and if they have not got the full state
pension but they have got to pay for some years of backlog, that will be paid
for of the divorce pot rather than her money, as the chances are it was a joint
decision for her to be a stay-at-home wife.”
However, Ms Waring said the major financial impact of divorcing
at this age was that both spouses had fewer years left in which to work in
order to make up any shortfall in their income.
“Even if both people are
working the chances of building up very much over the rest of their working
life will not be that high,” she said. “When there is less money in the pot,
getting divorced at a later stage is really tricky, as they do not have much
money to split.
“I suspect there are lots
of people staying married because there is just not enough money to divorce,
given the need to buy a property, let alone provide an income.”
One house becomes two
Another aspect of late divorces is that at the age of 65
mortgage borrowing is difficult, meaning that the proceeds of selling the main
home will need to fund the purchase of two separate homes, often
outright.
“You may be lucky and
have a nice London home that means you can buy two homes outside the capital,”
Ms Sofat said. “Or there may be no way you can do that. How are you going to
work out needing two homes and two incomes when pretty much all your life you have
planned for one?
“Even if you can get a
mortgage it will probably be on a shorter term with much higher repayments,”
she added.
Will I pay more IHT?
Divorced couples will receive the same inheritance tax-free
allowances as if they were married. They will get a £325,000 allowance, with
anything over this sum subject to 40pc tax. However, they lose the ability to
transfer assets between them tax free, which could subject more of the estate
to inheritance tax.
The new “residence nil-rate band”, which is currently £100,000
and will rise to £175,000 per person by 2020, protects housing wealth from
inheritance tax if the main home is left to a direct descendant.
Wealthy divorcing couples can actually benefit from the new
residence nil-rate band, as the tax-free allowance reduces for any estates
valued at more than £2m.
Couples with an estate worth more than £2m who divorce and split
their assets will be able to make full use of the allowance.
Rewrite your will
Rewriting your will is essential after any divorce, but is
particularly key for older divorcees, who have lower life expectancy, said
Rachael Griffin, a financial planner at Old Mutual Wealth.
In particular, divorcees need to look at any life insurance
policies they may have taken out years ago, and often forgotten about, and to
change any beneficiaries on “death in service” payouts or pensions.
“Look for life policies
that were taken out a number of years ago or pensions where you have nominated
your previous spouse as the beneficiary. It is not just the obvious stuff to
look at, but also revisit all historic information – you are going to be more
entwined than someone who has been married for five or 10 years,” she said.
Ultimately, Ms Sofat said older divorcees should be more
pragmatic in their approach: “They have lived a few years longer, so hopefully
can sit down and work out a sensible outcome without it costing an arm and a
leg by dragging it through the lawyers.”
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Telling your children you are getting divorced
Telling your children you are getting divorced is one of the hardest aspects of separating. If you need some help to face this conversation, the following tips will get you on the right track.
Tell them what’s happening when something is changing
You might make the decision to separate long before you part and live in different houses. For young children, it’s best to wait and tell them you’re separating when the change is imminent. Older children might sense that something is wrong and ask questions. Only tell them you’re divorcing when you are sure you have reached that point. If you are there, and they ask, be honest. Show them you can handle the difficult conversation and listen to their concerns. Be sensitive to their timetable – try not to start difficult conversations directly before exams, birthdays or times when one of you will be away.
Do it together
If possible, do it with your ex-partner, and know in advance what you are both going to say. It’s often easiest to break the news at the weekend, ensuring that both of you are available for any questions your children might have. Present the news as a decision you both accept. The future co-parenting relationship will rely on a united front, so start as you mean to go on. Deal with any unresolved personal feelings in counselling, and not in front of the children. If you start talking about who’s decision it is, one of you will look weak, and the other will look like the decision maker. This is not a good long-term strategy for co-parenting.
The difference between sad and bad
It’s important that you frame the conversation in the right way. Don’t try and make it overly positive or present it as a great idea. Whatever relief you may be going through, your children are likely to see it differently at first. It’s OK to say that you are sad and it’s OK to cry (provided you stay in control). Blaming yourself and self-recrimination are not helpful. Try to help them accept that the end of marriage is a sad thing, not a bad thing. Divorce is a change and not the end of world. Go with their emotions; don’t try and change them. Feelings of sadness are expected, and its normal to feel sad after hearing this news.
Tell the truth
The truth doesn’t mean sharing everything. The ins and outs of your relationship wouldn’t normally be a topic of conversation so they shouldn’t suddenly become one just because you are separating. The truth is, you are getting divorced. One of you may have wanted it first but you have both come to agree that it’s the best way forward for your family. Don’t pretend you are trialling living apart or give children false hope of a reconciliation. Be honest if you don’t know the answers to their questions. Don’t promise unrealistic things just because you’re finding this a tough conversation.
Keep it short and simple
Stick to the facts and focus on the future. The children must process the news and this will take some time. You may need to repeat the conversation several times – particularly for small children. Try to preempt any questions you think they will ask – especially ‘Why?’ Have a short answer you both stick to and repeat it every time the why question is asked. Be very clear with children of all ages that this is not their fault. Nothing they have done or could have done would have changed anything – repeat this several times.
Tell all your children at the same time
This will ensure that everyone hears the same thing and no one feels excluded. They may take comfort from each other. It’s fine to follow up with individual conversations with each child. This will help you answer specific concerns and help you give more age-appropriate reassurances.
Being emotional is OK
A lot of parents feel they need to ‘be the rock’ in this situation. It’s OK to be emotional when you tell your children – after all, it is sad news. If you are upset in front of the children this will indicate to them that it’s OK for them to be sad, that this release is natural and necessary. Being angry or bad-mouthing your ex-partner is harmful. If you feel like you might react like this, seek advice so you can prepare properly and avoid any harm.
Prepare yourself for a reaction
Your children may have a big reaction to the news or no reaction at all. Address how they are feeling and stay calm. They have heard what you’ve said and are trying to process it in their own way. Most reactions, however upsetting, are perfectly normal. If things don’t get better over time, this may indicate your child has got stuck in an emotional cycle of behaviour. Seek help if you’re worried – speak to a child counsellor or your GP.
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